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    Old 02-20-2008, 01:56 PM   #16
    rosequartz
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    4bars - I'm so proud of you for doing what you know needs to be done. I'm sure your kids will respect you and understand, don't worry about that. Hang in there girl, you will get through this and you will retain your self-respect in the process. You can't put a price tag on that.

     
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    Old 02-20-2008, 02:40 PM   #17
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Man this guy is something else ain't he? Got 4 women going at once! Sheeesh! No one should have to put up with this! This behavior is unacceptable! Leave him!
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    Old 02-26-2008, 05:47 PM   #18
    4bars
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Update...went to lawyer yesterday. Feel better that I can file just because I'm not happy with his behavior, I don't have to actually prove there was/is an affair. I filled out the forms to file and feel scared. I know I can't live the rest of my life with someone I cannot trust but breaking up everything is so hard too.

    encouragement please!!!!

     
    Old 02-26-2008, 06:34 PM   #19
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    I am sorry to hear you are going through this. You deserve a whole lot better.

    I have said many times that sometimes it is easier to be without someone in your life (free of them) then to have them in your life and only causing you pain. Your husband is only causing you pain and it is best to get out now before he causes even more pain - if that is possible?

    The fact that he hasn't really tried to hide any of this from you (erasing emails or text messages) tells me he was only waiting to be caught.

    Your kids are the most important part of your marriage and focus on them. They are your world and as long as you have them, you will be fine. You are doing the right thing.

    I wish you the best.

     
    Old 02-26-2008, 09:14 PM   #20
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    i hope you're trying to get the house and the assets too. he doesnt deserve any of it. when the courts award you the house, you can change the locks.

     
    Old 02-27-2008, 01:26 PM   #21
    4bars
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by KeltoKel View Post

    The fact that he hasn't really tried to hide any of this from you (erasing emails or text messages) tells me he was only waiting to be caught.
    He was hiding it. He changed password on his computer (but I found it written on a sheet of paper) and the emails were in the deleted folder. He also erased all texts. I only rarely read one because he keeps his phone in the car and locked with a code I don't know. I was able to read his bill online. That is how I know he frequently exchanges calls and texts with these women. I did try to confront him that I know he is lying but the said the other women are nothing, don't affect our relationship but I know he is stretching the truth because why is he keeping it a secret then and covering his tracks.

    Of the one who wrote they were lovers, he said they went to dinner once 6 months ago as colleagues and she took it the wrong way and he set her straight and hasn't talked to her in months. I know that is not true from his phone log. (I did not tell him I read the email or he'll change password again and I won't find out anymore stuff)

    It is a waste of time confronting because he only double talks and lies to protect his A$$.

     
    Old 02-27-2008, 01:31 PM   #22
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 4bars View Post
    He was hiding it. He changed password on his computer (but I found it written on a sheet of paper) and the emails were in the deleted folder.
    I'm sorry, I had to laugh at this one.....if this is the way he hides things, he's not the brightest bulb.......you're better off without him.

     
    Old 02-28-2008, 07:45 AM   #23
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Hi,

    I've just read all the replies. I am glad you went to a lawyer. Does your husband know you are filing for divorce? If so, what is he saying/doing?

    Men...sometimes...............4 at once and denying all this. My goodness. At some point you really need to let him know. Tell him to STOP! Tell him enough lies, enough deceit, etc. get out.

    good luck keep us posted.

     
    Old 02-28-2008, 01:52 PM   #24
    4bars
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    I don't know that he is intimate with these 4 women but I know he has gone to dinner or drinks with all of them and he never told me. Some of them he sees infrequently but has known for years. He deletes them from his cell phone call list so the few times I do see his phone (probably planted) there are no calls to any of them but I've seen them all on the phone bill during to period I saw on the phone. Another funny thing is I saw 3 of them in his old phone. Now he has a new phone and the old phone is lying around. He deleted those women from the contact list in the old phone that is lying around and I know they used to be there. I've been monitoring his phone for about 2 1/2 years.

    I just can't help but think if these were innocent/professional relationships, he wouldn't be hiding it.

    So at best he is a lier and worst a cheater.

    Due to other things going on now, I don't plan to tell him I spoke to a lawyer yet. I still want to think about what I want on my own sweet time. I also have a daughter who is a Jr in high school and I don't want to upset her while she is making college decisions and has senior year ahead. I know there is never a good time for divorce but I think the earliest I can bring it up will be this summer. For appearances, I can offer him an opportunity to go to therapy.

     
    Old 03-01-2008, 06:22 PM   #25
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    4bars, I don't know if this will help you or not, but here is something I learned in "Psychology of Adjustment" in college, and I never forgot it.

    "People make change when the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same".

    I hope this helps.

    Also, ONLY YOU can decide what's best for you, and what will make you happy. Look at advice given from others, and decide what's best for yourself, and your situation, with my post as well.

    There are lots of ways to find out exactly what your husband is doing, if you want to know for sure, with PI's or GPS. However, be prepared for what you may find, and how you will deal with it when you do. Even if you find he cheated once again, you'll still need to decide if it's best for YOU to stay or go.

    There's always the possibility he's deleting these things because it's nothing, and he's afraid you'll think something because of last time. It's always possible the message you found was from the same woman from years ago when he cheated and she's trying to contact him. Sometimes desperate women can be stalkers even years later. And going out with a married man would fall under desperate.

    However, I would let him know you can't live with him leaving his phone in the car and keeping it locked. That means he has something to hide. Try having a rule, you switch cell phones one day every week, what's the big deal if he has nothing to hide, right? And make it a different unknown day everytime. You use his, he uses yours. You also shouldn't let him have a password, or locked computer or email. And....no working late, period. If he needs to work late, he'll need to get another job, or whenever he works late let him know you'll ALWAYS be bringing his dinner to him, at a random time! These are just a few suggestions, if you want to work it out. But if you want to know what he's doing for sure, you'll need to find out first, before you implement any new rules.

    Good luck.

    Last edited by UnluckyInLove; 03-01-2008 at 06:34 PM.

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 12:04 AM   #26
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    "Sometimes desperate women can be stalkers even years later. And going out with a married man would fall under desperate. "

    This is true. If he is leading on other women they can possibly come after you and your family, he is putting your family in danger by cheating. It happened to me.

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 02:35 PM   #27
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Once I started letting him know that I did not trust him and believe him, he started getting psychosomatic pains all over. He thought he had some mystery disease and went to all kinds of doctors and had all kinds of tests. I told him it was the stress of living with lies. Finally when all the tests ruled out diseases, his neurologist gave him anti anxiety meds and guess what?! he is much better. I didn't want to bring it up while he was going through all that. Another interesting thing is he was acting very needy, spooning hard every night and wanting sex a lot more often...even Saturday afternoon!

    I did manage to ask about the woman who said they were lovers last July. He said he went out to dinner with her as a colleague and she took it the wrong way, he set her straight and hasn't spoken to her in months. I know this is exaggeration since no woman would write that kind of stuff unless it was encouraged--not one dinner and according to the cell phone bill they talk frequently and sometimes 45 min to an hour.

    Another thing, since he wasn't feeling well, he has been coming home earlier and the few times he was late he calls and gives full explanation of what he is doing. Tonight though (now that he is feeling better?) he said he is working late and will probably eat out. I said there is a lot of food here.

    That is all for now. Just taking notes and keeping radar up.

    Thanks for asking..and I was thinking about what you said about the pain of leaving vs. the pain of staying.

    Last edited by 4bars; 03-06-2008 at 03:19 PM. Reason: add about late nights

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 10:33 PM   #28
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Just a quick update, after working late, he went to a sports bar. I let him know I did not think that was nice since he went to a game with guys from work last night. I said you were out 2 nights in a row! He said he'll come home early tomorrow. (just side skirting issue). On one hand he is an adult and can go out but somehow I feel uncomfortable when he is vague "I might eat out" and telling me latter he went to sports bar. I'd feel more comfortable if he just said "I won't be home for dinner, I'm going to sports bar."

     
    Old 03-07-2008, 04:48 PM   #29
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    When he says he's eating out, do you tell him you'll get dressed up and meet him then?

    I guess you have to let them have some freedom, so I'm not sure what to say at this point.

    If you have suspicions you could always check on him at the bar. Go in dressed up, give him a big kiss and chat with his buddies a while then leave and let him have a little alone time.

    That would be my suggestion. Make yourself part of his scene, and make it a point to do it regularly.

    Again, make sure my suggestions are something you think would be good for your situation though, before taking my advice!

     
    Old 03-07-2008, 05:22 PM   #30
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    Re: leave cheating husband?

    You need to:

    (1) See your lawyer
    (2) See a counselor and discuss your history
    (3) Seek the advice of your closest friends, preferably those who have excellent knowledge of your husband and your family...and TRUST their input.

    With all due respect to those who participate on this board, I'd take what you read here with a big grain of salt. These people don't know you, your family, or your husband.....Regardless of their position. It's YOUR life and that of YOUR CHILDREN at stake....Lean on # 2 & 3 above and then make your decision. I certainly wouldn't make any type of LIFE DECISION based on someone behind a computer who you don't know and they only know what they read here.

    Best of luck to you and hope everything works out.

    Ex

     
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