It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • leave cheating husband?

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 03-07-2008, 07:42 PM   #31
    Stillsearching
    Member
    (female)
     
    Stillsearching's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2006
    Posts: 61
    Stillsearching HB User
    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Dear 4Bars,

    I didn't read all of the responses, but I'd like to chime in.

    After being married briefly and been divorced for so long... I wouldn't accept anything less than everything in a marriage if I were to remarry.

    I've been divorced now for almost 19 years and one thing I've learned from my brief marriage and other people's marriage is that I want fidelity in my marriage.

    The thought of someone else is having sex with the man who promised to "honor and cherish me" is not doing what he'd promised. And besides, what if he gives you any disease? That's what I'd be thinking.

    What is your breaking point?
    What would it take for you to walk away?
    Why aren't you angry?
    Those are the questions I'd be asking myself, not whether should I leave him or not for cheating on me.

    In my humble and honest opinion, and with all due respect, I think a good therapist would be a good investment not for your marriage, but for you.

    I hope you find the strength and the self-respect to leave your husband.
    And I hope things turn out positive for you from here on out.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 03-08-2008, 06:44 AM   #32
    4bars
    Member
    (female)
     
    4bars's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2008
    Location: USA
    Posts: 70
    4bars HB User
    Re: leave cheating husband?

    To reply to some of your comments, I can't just pop in on my husband because he works 25 miles (45 min) from my house and I am not familiar with the places he goes. Once he gave one of the vague "I might go out tonight" comments on a Friday and I said "maybe I'll join you, call me tonight." I just know that made him uncomfortable all day.

    I am seeing a therapist.

    I don't want to tell friends because I really don't know anyone I can trust not to blab.

    My breaking point would be actual confession or real hard proof. Right now I feel I only have evidence. I am not angry because there is still doubt (this is very hard to admit) and I went through this before so the initial shock and loss of innocence has already been dealt with.

    While I appreciate what others say, I realize you don't know my whole financial, family and friend situation.

     
    Old 03-08-2008, 05:47 PM   #33
    UnluckyInLove
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    UnluckyInLove's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2008
    Location: US
    Posts: 27
    UnluckyInLove HB User
    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 4bars View Post
    To reply to some of your comments, I can't just pop in on my husband because he works 25 miles (45 min) from my house and I am not familiar with the places he goes. Once he gave one of the vague "I might go out tonight" comments on a Friday and I said "maybe I'll join you, call me tonight." I just know that made him uncomfortable all day.

    I am seeing a therapist.

    I don't want to tell friends because I really don't know anyone I can trust not to blab.

    My breaking point would be actual confession or real hard proof. Right now I feel I only have evidence. I am not angry because there is still doubt (this is very hard to admit) and I went through this before so the initial shock and loss of innocence has already been dealt with.

    While I appreciate what others say, I realize you don't know my whole financial, family and friend situation.

    That would make things difficult. It's almost getting into a long distance relationship.


    I know that therapists really try and help you see what YOU need and they won't tell you what to do, it's not professional, and it is very difficult to lean on friends and family. They don't know what to tell you, and it get's embarassing.

    My father constantly told me, before he passed away 4 years ago, that I was the only who could decide what makes me happy. And he saw a VA therapist regularly because he fought in Vietnam. And I know he was repeating to me what his therapist told him.

    However, it gets difficult to make yourself happy, when someone you've spent your entire life with, is treating you in this manner.

    Maybe you should see if he'll go to therapy with you, so that the two of you could compromise. You do need to be a bigger part of his life, and long distance is not good. Have you thought about moving to where he works or asking him to find a position where you live? The long distance factor sheds a whole new light on your situation. These are things you could discuss in therapy together.

    If he's unwilling to compromise, or see a therapist, you'll have to decide if you can be happy with that, or you'd be happier on your own. It has to be your decision, but always I'd recommend trying to fix things first, instead of running. Sometimes when people run, they wish they would have tried harder. If you try, at least you'll know you gave it all you could, if you do decide to leave.

    Again, all of my advice above is just a suggestion, and you should evaluate and only do what's best for your situation.

    Last edited by UnluckyInLove; 03-08-2008 at 05:51 PM.

     
    Old 03-10-2008, 05:52 AM   #34
    4bars
    Member
    (female)
     
    4bars's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2008
    Location: USA
    Posts: 70
    4bars HB User
    Re: leave cheating husband?

    You're right. He works and goes out in an area where I can't pop in and keep an eye on him. He goes out away from work in near by city-it dawned on me so he does not run into people he knows? and the city has better restaurants and entertainment options. He job is political so he can't just relocate. I don't want to move yet because I have daughter in HS.

    With holidays coming up and health issues in the family, I am keeping notes and believe me! this will be confronted when things calm down.

     
    Old 03-10-2008, 05:58 AM   #35
    happymom28
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    happymom28's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Location: New Hampshire
    Posts: 4,195
    happymom28 HB User
    Re: leave cheating husband?

    My ex use to go hang out back in his hometown (about an hour away from where we were living) a lot when we were married. I didn't really think much of it since most of his friends lived there still. However, that was his way of ensuring I didin't find out about what he was doing. It took me over 2 years to get the proof I was looking for, which he still denied as being actual proof.

     
    Old 03-10-2008, 02:37 PM   #36
    4bars
    Member
    (female)
     
    4bars's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2008
    Location: USA
    Posts: 70
    4bars HB User
    Re: leave cheating husband?

    Happymom, what was you actual proof?
    I am also taking to heart that you said it took you a full year to actually decide to divorce. It really is hard.

    Congratulations on your move.

     
    Old 03-10-2008, 04:28 PM   #37
    happymom28
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    happymom28's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Location: New Hampshire
    Posts: 4,195
    happymom28 HB User
    Re: leave cheating husband?

    He screwed up actually. One night he came home and thought I was sleeping when he came in the bedroom. I saw him reach into his pocket and pull out a piece of paper. I watched him put that paper into his underwear drawer. When I got up in the morning he was still out cold. I went very quietly into the drawer and pulled out a piece of paper with a girls name and phone number. I then took his cell phone and called the number. It turns out he was with her and her friend last night. She was told that we were no longer together. His excuse: She was an ex that just couldn't get over him. He took the number so she wouldn't be insulted.

    After that I came home early to find him coming out of the aparment downstairs. The neighbor later told me (out of guilt because she cheated on her boyfriend who was in jail!) that they had been sleeping together for months. His excuse: She was always hot for him and making excuses to have him come fix things (keep in mind he couldn't fix anything, I always did it) and he kept turning down her advances.

    The final straw, however, was when one of his friends who was an usher in our wedding called me and told me not only about those two I knew, but a number of other one night stands and other short term flings he had. He said he just couldn't sit by while I was home raising his daughter and being treated that way. Needless to say they are no longer friends but I am very grateful that he came to me like that. He did the same for his other friend's wife (he was the best man in our wedding) but she chose to believe her husband which is pretty sad because the night I met him he was dating her but was out with another woman. His excuse: His friend was jealous of him and was hoping to get in my pants. Btw, he never once tried to make a move on me and I haven't spoken to him since that phone call.

    Yes, it did take me over a year to do it. I had a young daughter and I was very affraid of being a single mother. One day I just couldn't take it anymore (between the cheating and the abuse) and I had him removed. There are so many regrets I have when it comes to him, but everything that happened made me the person I am today.

     
    Old 03-11-2008, 06:33 PM   #38
    UnluckyInLove
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    UnluckyInLove's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2008
    Location: US
    Posts: 27
    UnluckyInLove HB User
    Re: leave cheating husband?

    4bars, if you really want proof you can get it if you can afford a PI. I've never hired one, but my mom did when she thought my dad was cheating.

    Make sure if you hire one, that first of all, you really want to know, and second, that you let the PI know you are only going to hire them for a set amount of time, 3 full days, a week full time, or however long you think you need to get proof. And make sure you let them know that's it, that's all you're paying for, and you want time, date, stamped films periodically during the days he's supposed to follow your hubby.

    My mom was strung along by a PI. The guy couldn't find anything on my dad, so he kept telling her he needed more time and more money. If they don't find anything, he's not cheating, don't fall for that one.

    Last edited by UnluckyInLove; 03-11-2008 at 07:22 PM.

     
    Old 03-11-2008, 06:53 PM   #39
    UnluckyInLove
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    UnluckyInLove's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2008
    Location: US
    Posts: 27
    UnluckyInLove HB User
    Re: leave cheating husband?

    I wanted to add also, one of the reasons I'm constantly giving the "claim your man" from the other woman advice, is because marriage isn't easy. There are tramps out there who will constantly make advances at married men, it's life.

    I think it's important to differientiate between a philanderer and a guy who goes astray once or twice in the course of a marriage. And I say this because my grandmother who was a stong women, she was a school teacher for most of her life, thought my grandfather was messing with a women, (before they were elderly of course), and she made him move an hour away to a neighboring town. She kept her husband, and he was one of the best husbands I have ever wittnessed in my life. She eliminated the problem because she thought her marriage was worth it.

    However, if my grandfather had been constantly cheating with everything with 2 legs, that would be a different story.
    Again, these are just suggestions.

    Last edited by UnluckyInLove; 03-11-2008 at 07:00 PM.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Why is it so easy to leave? justmel30 Relationship Health 37 03-24-2010 05:40 AM
    Cheating hearts: the shoe is on the other foot!`(sorry this long) Aquanotice82 Relationship Health 2 01-18-2008 11:54 AM
    what is cheating considered? kelly5231 Relationship Health 35 10-17-2007 03:00 PM
    cheating yes no maybe? suzyshop1 Relationship Health 76 04-11-2007 03:59 PM
    Getting Revenge on Cheating Husbands Other farceur66 Relationship Health 32 12-02-2005 12:18 PM
    What are the signs of a cheating spouse? limille Relationship Health 67 05-07-2004 01:19 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:43 PM.





    © 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!