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4bars 02-14-2008 03:16 PM

leave cheating husband?
I never thought I'd be in this position. I've been married 22 years. My husband had an affair 6 years ago. We went though therapy and I thought since he saw how much it hurt me, he would never do it again.

A few years ago he started a new job. He would work late and sometimes go out again and get home late. I believed him. After a while I got suspicious since too many late nights and I started checking his cell phone. I saw he had a few female friends he spoke to and texted on a regular basis. I went though emails too and in general the exchanges sounded friendly but did refer to time spent together (dinner, concerts) and there were the I miss you's and enjoy your company. Nothing sexual. BUt then I found one email from a woman I was really suspicious of since she called frequently and there were long calls and she wrote cryptic texts. In the email she was pouring her heart out that she wanted to spend more time with him since "they were lovers who loved each other" and they had a glorious month of "discovery and laughter together" and she gave him a piece of her heart.

I did not tell him I know any of this yet. I plan to talk to a lawyer first.

Please consider we get along, laugh, have common interests, active sex life and adore our teenage children. But I cannot trust him again and do not want to spend my life with my head in the sand.

I welcome and suggestions and opinions.

happymom28 02-14-2008 03:41 PM

Re: leave cheating husband?
Well, you can't trust him, and rightfully so. You deserve to be happy and be with a man who can keep his wedding vows. I'm glad to see that you don't want to spend the rest of your life ignoring what is right in front of your face.

If I were you, I would print up the emails, call logs, anything pertaining to the/these other woman/women and bring them to a lawyer. He or she will know what to do with them.

I'm sorry that this happened to you again. It's so hard to build back trust after an affair in the first place. Shame on him for doing this to you after you rebuilt your marriage.

rosequartz 02-15-2008 07:53 AM

Re: leave cheating husband?
do what you should have done 6 years ago.......get rid of him.......

leeleelanilou 02-15-2008 11:14 AM

Re: leave cheating husband?
Gather as many financial documents as you can find & take them to your lawyer. It's best to get a detailed summary of all you & your husband's assets before he knows your plans to divorce.

4bars 02-15-2008 01:30 PM

Re: leave cheating husband?
Thank you for your replies. He gave me a guilt gift for Valentines day. It was a heart necklace with diamonds. He never gives me anything like that for Valentines Day and I usually pick out my own jewelry, then he buys it.

I just want reassurance that I'm not reading too much into things.

dma11663 02-15-2008 01:35 PM

Re: leave cheating husband?
reading too much into things? You read the truth...the truth is that they are lovers.......which means he is cheating.

Get out and go running. Get what you have coming to you. He did it 2X that you know of...and will always do this. He should grow up or get the hell out.

Guilt gift, I would tell him to take and put it where the sun doesn't shine honey.

You deserve better than this............

4bars 02-15-2008 01:39 PM

Re: leave cheating husband?
I'm not going to confront him until I talk to lawyer next week.

jen52983 02-15-2008 01:43 PM

Re: leave cheating husband?
talk to the lawyer and have him start writing up the divorce papers. Nothing else in a relationship really matters if you can't trust the person.

happymom28 02-15-2008 01:46 PM

Re: leave cheating husband?
Believe me 4bars, you are not reading too much into things. What you read was the truth and something your eyes obviously were not meant to see. You would be foolish to ignore it, especially given your relationship history with him.

I think it is very wise of you not to confront him. All he would do is destroy or try to hide the evidence in a different manner. Let him think you are completely ignorant of the situation until you know your rights from your lawyer. Also, leeleelanilou's idea of financial records is a very good one too. Once he knows what you are planning to divorce him he will try to keep things from you.

Let us know how things go with your lawyer.

UnluckyInLove 02-20-2008 10:51 AM

Re: leave cheating husband?
Hi there. It's a sad situation when you've been with someone this long. You've forgiven one affair. Do you want to forgive another? I'm in a similiar situation. I don't know if my guy has had any affairs, but we've been together for 18 years, broke up for 2 1/2 in between.

Anyway, I may know how you feel just a little. When you've been with someone so long, it's difficult to give it up for any reason. And you're probably thinking, one or two affairs, we can get throught that, right?

It seems to me, you were finding many messages from women, not just one. Going to dinner and concerts? Those are dates. Is he dating other women or just one?

I would say, if you can handle it, and you still want him, try and work it out. But...don't tell him you know about the other women.

Here's one suggestion....the next time you and your hubby "do it", hopefully it's within the next day or so, put a hidden phone by the bed within ear shot, but hide it so he can't see it. Before hubby comes in the room, call the other women, tell her you have something you want her to hear. Then procede to make love to your husband! And...sinse you've been married so long, you should know what you can say to have him tell YOU EXACTLY how much he loves you. And be as loud, descriptive and graphic as possible! Ha! Ha!

AFTER you do this, then decide if, and how you need to work it out. You have to do what is best for YOU. Do some deep soul searching. What can you be happy with? If you decide you can still be happy with your hubby, I'd stay with him, but say nothing about the affair. Instead, get some new clothes, work out at the gym, and have your hair done. (this is what I've done) You'll feel better, and make your hubby eat his heart out for you.

Or second choice, if you don't want him, find someone else FIRST behind his back, don't ever tell him you know about what he's done, ever, or about your new guy, and leave him. It will tear you apart to leave while he gets with the women he's currently dating and you're left alone. (or he may not be dating her after you've done what I suggested above, he, he!)

It's time to do some alfensive work for yourself, last time you played defense. Don't you think it's time to think of you, I know I do.

rosequartz 02-20-2008 11:04 AM

Re: leave cheating husband?
wow - I don't agree with that advice.....I think dialing the phone and making love to your husband while calling this other woman is beyond ridiculous.......
who are you making a fool out of with that? think about it.

also you don't need to find anyone else. I get so tired of some women thinking that's the answer to all your problems......find a man.

you don't need a need to find some inner peace and you're not going to find that by playing games......

be done with him......plain and simple.....

UnluckyInLove 02-20-2008 11:20 AM

Re: leave cheating husband?
I've been with the same guy for 18 years, and I've been around a long time, neither suggestion is ridiculous.

It's almost impossible to just "get over" someone from that long, you'll need someone else, believe me. But make it someone good. You need to be prepared. Going it alone is the same as jumping off a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean, before it has completely sunk, without blowing up a life raft first.

That's IF, you decide leaving is best for you.

Second, dialing the phone and letting the other women listen, will make you feel better than ever. I've never done it, but I've always said that's what I would do, and believe me, I would! You won't "just get over" him dating the other women if you do leave, not after 22 years. It's impossible, so do yourself a favor.

If you stay, you should still do it to get rid of her. And then fix yourself up. But staying or leaving is NOT my advice to give. That has to be your decision, and don't let other's on this board tell you my advice is silly. Someone screwing your husband of 22 years could NEVER be silly. And you will never look silly in front of trash like that, besides your husband will look silly with you.

I grew up with a load of guys, and have almost a twin brother (he's eleven months older than me). I've been through a long term break up. You'll need things to get you through staying, or leaving. People aren't made of iron.

4bars 02-20-2008 11:41 AM

Re: leave cheating husband?
Thanks for your replies.

Yes he seems to have "secret" relationships with at least 4 women and I only have proof that one is or was romantic. He always deletes these 4 names from his cell log and always deletes text messages but they appear on his cell phone bill. So I know he is covering his tracks.

I read email today from a woman thanking him for dinner at restaurant and for the "vcard". This cannot be ignored or tolerated.

I think I actually subconsciously felt detached for a while since I was feeling neglected, even though we were together all weekends. So I've been separating emotionally for a few years.

I did ask him some questions about the other women (one's I KNEW the answers to) and he lied and denied. Now he doesn't know what to think and is trying to act like the perfect husband.

I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday and am bringing our financials and a folder of email, cell and text records. I am at the point where I am looking forward to a new life...but hope my kids will be ok with it.

jen52983 02-20-2008 12:37 PM

Re: leave cheating husband?
It may be hard on the kids at first.. but eventually they will understand that you did the only thing you do, what was best for yourself and for them.

Some people avoid divorce and "stay together for the kids." As a young adults who's parents divorced when I was very young, I can honestly say that sometimes divorce is the healthiest choice for everyone. Children are much more aware then adults give them credit for. They will pick up on tension and any other negative emotion between you and your husband.

He may or may not be a good father, but he is certainly not a good husband.

If this was the first time something like this happened, and he came clean on his own or after being confronted.. then I would suggest counseling and doing all you can to work it out. BUT, since it's not the first time, and since it's multiple women, and since he's denying it, I believe that it will never end. I think leaving him is the best and only choice you have.

Good luck with everything.

4bars 02-20-2008 01:50 PM

Re: leave cheating husband?
There was I time when I would have said yes you can recover from an affair but it always leaves a doubt. So like Rose says be done and move on don't waste your can't get that back. I'm glad though that I got to a point where the kids are older so there won't be visitation and all that. I can just enjoy myself and have an extra room for when the kids visit.

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