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  • Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

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    Old 02-26-2008, 09:27 AM   #1
    Jpaige
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    Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    Okay, I am so confused. I really want to make things work with my boyfriend. I have tried talking to him until I am blue in the face. He just sits there telling me he doesn't know what's wrong. I asked him what would make him happy. He says he doesn't know. I asked him what the problem was. He said he doesn't know. He says he knows there is something ewrong but he just doesn't know. After much investigation I now know that he is not cheating but he does do his fair share of flirting. No touching but flirting. This too drives me crazy but it's a lot easier to handle than having an image in my mind of him with his ex naked. I can deal with this.
    I guess my problem is that I am not sure anymore why I want to make this work so much. I do love him but I don't think he loves me. I feel resentment a lot of the times because I feel like I put in so much more than he does. Our sex life is horrible. It is purely physical, no emotion. He's always moody, always tired, always something. And I feel like I have fallen into such a rut that I can't get up. I know that something needs to change but I have no clue what to do. I have come to the point that I just don't know how to be without him. It's like I'm stuck. It is really easy to just say okay then leave or move on or whatever but....it's not that easy to do it. I need some sanity. I feel like I am losing my mind. What is wrong with me. How did I become this person?

     
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    Old 02-26-2008, 09:30 AM   #2
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    you're in a relationship with an empty shell.....the more I think about it I wouldn't doubt if he is narrrcississstic. He is flirting to get his narcississsstic supply. You should do some research on it. He has no concious, no emotions, he's just like dead inside. he doesn't love you, why are you pushing so hard for this?

     
    Old 02-26-2008, 10:16 AM   #3
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    I truly don't know. I think I am a wonderful person with a great big heart. I know I am a good catch. But for some reason it's like I feel this strange compulsion to stick with this one. I can't quite put my finger on why I am such a glutton for punishment. My head says ..............What are you crazy?? Leave this fool alone. My heart sayys..........He's a good guy that needs some love...... be the one to stick with him and not give up on him. Who knows but I know he has some wonderful qualities. He hasn't always been this way. He used to be fun loving and happy and such a positive force in my life. Now he just seems like this blob of nothing. I want to love him and I want to see the light in his eye again but at what cost I guess. I just feel like I have invested so much and dug myself such a hole that it is just hard to break the ties that bind??? I suppose that is why I am on here trying to get some in put and help.

     
    Old 02-26-2008, 10:42 AM   #4
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    Don’t let this turn into an obsession. Its human nature sometimes to want what you can’t have and sometimes it takes over you. I was dating a guy for the past 5 months that was not emotionally available and that just made me want to try harder. I am an emotional person, an optimistic, that believes in fait too much. I used to believe ‘soul mates’ really exist when all reality, you BOTH have to put forth an effort or it’s just not going to work. No relationship is going to work unless you both make that effort to merge, purge your lives and that’s comes with difficulties.

    You need to take a step back and see the difference in love, lust and obsession. It sounds as if his guards are up and not taking them down anytime soon. It will get better in tim
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    Old 02-26-2008, 10:51 AM   #5
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    Gosh I don't think there is anything left to say that someone hasn't told you...49 people gave you on your last post so there really isn't much more is there?. You are talking to the wrong crowd when you say leaving him isn't that easy...so many gals here with years of marriage and a few kids have left their spouses so leaving a lover isn't any different at least you don't have to deal with lawyers and crying kids. Yes you fell but if you can't get up it is because you don't want to. Once a cheater always a cheater?...yes in your case it would be true. good luck to you...there isn't anything I can add to what some very nice people have told you but you seem not to hear what they are saying anyway.

     
    Old 02-26-2008, 01:58 PM   #6
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    "I know that something needs to change but I have no clue what to do. I have come to the point that I just don't know how to be without him. It's like I'm stuck. It is really easy to just say okay then leave or move on or whatever but....it's not that easy to do it. I need some sanity. I feel like I am losing my mind. What is wrong with me. How did I become this person?"

    What needs to change is his status in your life. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to leave him.

    You're depending on him to make you happy and to give you selfworth. That's how you became "this person." You can't get these things by relying on someone to give them to you.. you have to get them yourself.

    I think you'll get your sanity back when you're no longer with him. He doesn't value you, or care enough about you or the relationship to even attempt any sort of effort.

    Take the chance and make the move.

    Last edited by jen52983; 02-26-2008 at 01:58 PM.

     
    Old 02-26-2008, 02:07 PM   #7
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AnnD View Post
    Gosh I don't think there is anything left to say that someone hasn't told you...49 people gave you on your last post so there really isn't much more is there?. You are talking to the wrong crowd when you say leaving him isn't that easy...so many gals here with years of marriage and a few kids have left their spouses so leaving a lover isn't any different at least you don't have to deal with lawyers and crying kids. Yes you fell but if you can't get up it is because you don't want to. Once a cheater always a cheater?...yes in your case it would be true. good luck to you...there isn't anything I can add to what some very nice people have told you but you seem not to hear what they are saying anyway.
    I've heard what people have said I guess I am asking for those women who did find the courage to leave and did move on. How they did it? I am sorry for wasting anyone's time I was just hoping someone would steer me in the right direction. I'm sorry.

     
    Old 02-26-2008, 04:35 PM   #8
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    I survived it, along with millions of others. You just have to realize and understand that life is too short. We can die tomorrow. Life has no guarantees, that's for sure.

    I left my ex after years of abuse. I finally realized I didn't love him anymore. How on EARTH is it possible to love someone who treats you like crap? What's there to love, seriously? To me personally, the type of person who puts up with abuse of any sort for a substantial amount of time, is someone who enjoys abuse. That's just how it is. Do you let friends treat you like that? No? So why your partner?

    Life will get easier. You should feel a sense of relief after leaving your boyfriend. No more worrying about him and how he's feeling. It's none of your concern now and you could let him sit in his own grief. That's what you should be feeling if you leave him. Life can now move on without the stress of someone who doesn't even love themselves.

    Now it's time to love yourself. It's time now don't you think? Putting someone before yourself like you have been, that has no regard for you is just disappointment waiting to happen over and over.

    Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 02-26-2008 at 04:36 PM.

     
    Old 02-26-2008, 05:43 PM   #9
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jpaige View Post
    I've heard what people have said I guess I am asking for those women who did find the courage to leave and did move on. How they did it? I am sorry for wasting anyone's time I was just hoping someone would steer me in the right direction. I'm sorry.
    Jpaige, I've had to do that several times. I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not. It's one of the hardest things you have to do in life. Even if the guy is a total tool like your boyfriend. It doesn't make it any easier.

    Right now, you're spending your days in a constant state of not knowing what's going on with him. You're totally unsure and feeling crappy because of it. That's a horrible feeling, and I've felt it SO often in my previous relationships, so I know what that feels like. My message to you is that if you dump this shmoe, trust me, it will feel like a huge burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Because you will never again have to sit there and worry and wonder and try to figure out what he's thinking. He will no longer be an issue.

    I know fear of the unknown about being on your own again is a scary prospect. But you just have to trust me when I tell you that once that feeling is no longer there, you're going to feel so, so much better. I know what I'm talking about, I've been where you're at. You just have to listen to what I'm saying, because it does get a lot easier, and you'll just feel happier in general not having that constant nagging uncertainty hanging over your head.

     
    Old 02-27-2008, 07:51 AM   #10
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    I know fear of the unknown about being on your own again is a scary prospect. But you just have to trust me when I tell you that once that feeling is no longer there, you're going to feel so, so much better. I know what I'm talking about, I've been where you're at. You just have to listen to what I'm saying, because it does get a lot easier, and you'll just feel happier in general not having that constant nagging uncertainty hanging over your head.
    Okay so I sat down and had a long conversation with him, I kinda cornered him, and demanded that he listen to me. I told him that I was done and that I simply couldn't live like this anymore. I told him that I was no longer happy and that I wanted out before I lost all respect for him and myself. I told him that I felt that I had tried my best to work through things and it just wasn't meant to be. So then I get this big long guilt trip about how I have no patience, and I give up too easy, and what about for better and for worse, and so on and so on. He said "so your mind is made up huh? You're giving up. You're a quitter. How can you tell me you love me and then just give up when we've had a few rough months?" Oh gosh, I'm so annoyed at this point that I just start crying. Then he says "see you do care, just like me and you don't really want to leave". So now what? He says he's sorry and he'll try to do better. Even the guilt trip I got was more than I've gotten out of him in about 3 months. He said" how are we supposed to work on our relationship if you just up and leave?" So now I am even more confused. Do I believe him or do I run like hell??
    I guess I also feel angry too in a sense. Because why am I the one who has to leave and start over? I have put all my heart and soul and money and effort and etc ..... into the house we live in. Why does he get to have it all? If he doesn't really love me and want to work on things why would he beg me to stay. Wouldn't he just say fine leave?
    What the heck is going on and why do I feel like I have lost my mind?

     
    Old 02-27-2008, 07:59 AM   #11
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    he's manipulating you and you're falling for it......

    you should be getting angry right about now for allowing this!
    put your foot down and keep it down.....you started out so good, and you got all mushy as soon as he opened his mouth.....you're gonna have to do better.....

     
    Old 02-27-2008, 08:06 AM   #12
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    I know Rose............I was so proud of myself for standing up for myself finally and then he just started with all the i'm sorry's and Ilove you's and it's just a rough patch we are going through. Is it possible that he may be right or I am I just a fool in love? I mean I guess I want to believe that not all men are spinless jerks who just want to love us use us abuse us then leave us. Soe of the things he said made sense. But I guess they would if he is just feeding me BS. Do I suggest counseling and if he's for real then he'd be willing to go right?

     
    Old 02-27-2008, 08:18 AM   #13
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    how about counselling for YOU to find out why you're willing to settle for so much less than you deserve?

    you can suggest it to him, and he may even try a session or two just to pacify you......but I don't know what it will solve......I don't know that counselling will teach him to respect you.

     
    Old 02-27-2008, 08:32 AM   #14
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    Please don't think that just because he pulls the guilt trip out on you that that means he's stills in love with you. Don't get me wrong, i'm sure he thinks he loves you. But this isn't the way love is supposed to be. He's manipulating you like Rose said, big time. And your falling into it. If I were you and I decided to finally put my foot down, I would let him know how I feel, and what i'm going to do, but I WOULD NOT allow him to say anything after I was done talking. It's called walking away. All he is going to do is try to manipulate the situation and make you feel like your just giving up on him. I'm sorry, but how the hell are you supposed to work on the relationship without his communication? he says you're giving up by leaving, but yet he won't communicate with you even while living there. All he is doing is manipulating and you so want for him to beg you to stay that you'll get mushy with anything he says. STOP IT! Stop believing everything he says.. because after putting your foot down, then listening to his guilt trip, he thinks he has you right where he wants you.. and now it's up to you if this is the vicious cycle you want to keep going through.

    Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 02-27-2008 at 08:32 AM.

     
    Old 02-27-2008, 10:00 AM   #15
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    Re: Help....I've fallen and I can't get up

    So basiccally he's full of it and his eyes should be brown not blue?
    Got it. Stay Strong . I just get so frustrated with myself for wanting something that I know is bad for me. I guess I just keep thinking like I've said before that the man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere. And it's hard to walk away from him when everytime you look at your babies all you think of is him. LOVE STINKS !!!

     
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