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    Old 03-04-2008, 10:09 PM   #1
    DoubleMint
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    Unhappy Boyfriend vs. Other Guy. Thoughts. (Sorry this is long)

    I love my boyfriend and want to be with him, but there are sparks I still feel for another guy. The relationship with this other guy almost broke apart the relationship between me and my BF. I'm still with my bf but I can' t get the though of this guy out of me head...I feel like i should contact him again but I dont' think it's right and I don't know where that will lead. Read on if you're interested. I"m sorry it's so long. I just needed to rant I guess.....
    ---------------
    I have a boyfriend, Max. We've now been together for a little over a year and half. For one year of our relationship I have been goign to college about one hour away from where he lives. It's been hard but we see each other on the weekends, and for the most part our relationship has progressed very well despite the distance. This with him have been great. He's always been a very loving, caring and attentive boyfriend. He's always done the nicest things for me and has always been very emotional and very understanding towards my fears and my needs concerning our relationship. Max is my first real, serious boyfriend and I never once thought I would need any other man in my life besides him. That is, until a little over a month ago...

    I met this guy named Sam in one of my classes at college. I instantly felt attracted to him from the first day I met him. And every time I would go to that class I would get butterflies thinking about seeing him and talking with him. I noticed that he always acted somewhat awkward around me and would stare at me from across the room. Anyway, I think I started to develop some innocent feelings for him. You know, like a crush or something. But I didn't think he'd actually recipricate those feelings. Well, anyway, on Valentines day right before class he comes over me and pulls out a rose from his backpack. I was shocked. We talked and then class started. He invited me to go hang out with him after class that evening, but knowing I had a boyfriend I initially said no. However, during class I entertained the idea in my mind and thought about how cool it would be to hang out with him and just see what he's all about. After all, It was so bold of him to do that for me, someone he barley knows. So, I did decide to hang out with him.

    We went out for Sushi and I told him I had a boyfriend. He told me he already knew based on some photos he saw of me and Max on my site. During our dinner Max called several times, but I didn't pick up the phone at first. He'd be furious if he knew i was out with another guy on Vday (or in general). After dinner, I went over to Sam's house to pick up my stuff which i Had dropped off before dinner. While in his room getting my things Sam gets physical. He puts his hands on my hips and stuff, then I turn around and he sortra holds me and tries to lean in for a kiss. I tell Sam I can't ( I have a boyfriend! I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend!) and that He should walk me to the bus. Sam does, reluctantly. I go home the next day to go spend Vday weekend with Max. But When I return to school on Monday night I find myself thinking about Sam and getting really excited to see him. We make plans to go get coffee that night, and again I lie to my BF about what I'm doing. I tell him I'm going to the gym and I feel terrible for lying. Anyway, coffee with Sam turns into more than that. We go back to his house to "hang out" and "Listen to music". Well of course we get back there and he starts being physical almost immedietly. He tries to kiss me and this time i kiss back. He puts on some music and we clumsily dance around his room until we "accidentally" fall on his bed. We kiss once or twice more, no real heavy stuff and I tell him " we just need to chill". So he slows down and we end up just talking and cuddeling for the next 3 hours or so. Well, during this time Max calls a lot and when I get home I have to lie to him to say that I went to the gym but missed all his calls cuz I left my phone in my gym bag...he had suspicions that I wasn't at the gym but at this time he had no proof.

    Well, to make a long story short, Max, My BF finds out about all that has been going on with Sam a week later when some crazy stuff happened with my phone and while Max was on the other line (on call waiting) my phone call with Sam cut out and he heard part of my conversatin with him. The following days with Max were really rough and upsetting. He took me back home to see him and He almost broke up with me after finding out I "cheated" on him. BHe could barely stand to look at me or touch me. It was horrible. But he decided to give me a second chance, after all I FREAKED OUT at the idea of loosing him. What's wierd is he even chose to call Sam personally and tell him that I"M with him and that Sam shoudl back off, etc. that was strange...Anyway, I"m so happy that Max decided not to break up with me and give me a second chance. It scares me so much to be without him cuz he's such a good person and he's such a huge part of me life. He's ALL i've ever known and I love him but I'm somewhat scared and overwhelmed of the idea of just being with Max for the rest of me life. I mean, that would probably happen if we kept on dating and eventually got married. We are still together now and in spite of everything that happend things are alright with us. Of course, the subject of what happened between Sam and me is still something Max and I think about and talk about. Max doesnt trust me very much anymore and now calls and texts a lot more during the day to check up on what I'm doing and where I am. I love him a lot...like I said he's all I've ever known and I totally imagine a future with this guy.

    But...ever since all of this happened with Sam I can't seem to get him off my mind....He's called several times since the weekend Max found out about my brief relationship with him. But none of the times have i picked up my phoen or returned his calls. I told Max that I wouldn't, that I would cut out all contact with him. And thus far, I have kept that up but I feel so bad for Sam, and every time I look at him I want to talk to him or hug him or something. Ugh, I should not be feeling like this if I truely love and want to be iwth my boyfriend, should i? In class things are awkward because we look at each other but don't talk...I think he hates me now whereas before I feel like he liked me. I can't stand that for some reason. Even though I love Max and I want to be with him, he why can't I get the thought of Sam out of me head?? What should I do?

    I'm only 20 years old and like I said, Max is my first serious boyfriend and I always thought that he would be it for me, that I wouldn't need anyone else. But now I'm questioning it? I have thougth about being with Sam but he doesn't seem like the girlfriend type. He comes off as the kind of college guy that likes to just hook up and be causaul. Though he did say he really liked me and wanted to give the "long term thing a try". Should I trust him on that? Ugh. I haven't even talked to Sam in almost 3 weeks because of Jake finding out. I don't have his phone number anymore and have recently changed mine so he doesn't call me. Should I send him a message at least to let him know how I feel? Or would that be too wierd? What should I do...is this all crazy??

    Sorry for this beign so long.

    Last edited by moderator2; 03-05-2008 at 06:06 PM. Reason: posted commercial website - disallowed inappropriate word - please read the rules and use appropriate language

     
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    Old 03-05-2008, 04:07 AM   #2
    In The Wind
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    Re: Boyfriend vs. Other Guy. Thoughts. (Sorry this is HELLA long)

    In my opinion DoubleMint, from reading your post I got from it that you haven't "sewn your wild oats" enough at this point. The fact that you took your relationship with "Sam" to the level that you did suggests to me that your need to experience different relationships and men is stronger than your loyalty to "Max".
    I feel bad for Max, because he is an innocent, and as exciting and fun as "Sam" seems he can't be THAT great of a guy because he clearly chose to pursue you even after you told him that you had a boyfriend. (Though I know that it takes 2 to tango)
    I have the feeling that "Sam" won't be the last crush that you have during your college years. My advice would be to leave the relationship with Sam right where it is and focus on regaining the trust of Max, the man who has EARNED your love over the past year and a half. And if another crush should manifest itself later on, or you find yourself "trapped" in your relationship and you just want to be free and have fun in college(and there is nothing wrong with that!) you should be honest with Max and let him go. If it was meant to be with Max and you split with no hard feelings you guys might find each other again However, If you decide to end the relationship with Max do it because it's what YOU need or want and not for some other guy.(you owe that much to Max and yourself. At this point you don't owe Sam anything) One thing I've learned in life is that the grass isn't always greener I hope that helps a little

     
    Old 03-05-2008, 04:44 AM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriend vs. Other Guy. Thoughts. (Sorry this is HELLA long)

    My thinking is that as long as you continue to ask yourself "am I missing out on something by staying with Max", you will never be happy with Max. I know that you are very young but finding a good man to spend the rest of your life with is a gift that not a whole lot of us get a chance to experience, so take this gift and embrase it! Don't fight it! Well that's what I say. You aren't really missing out on anything by not being with a bunch of different guys(except a lot of heartache) because in the end you already have what we all are search for, you just got lucky and found it early! Nothing is more heart warming(to me) than to see these stories about these couples that have been married 70+ years, have been their one and only love and are still holding hand and kissing and very much in love! To find that is a true blessing!
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    Old 03-05-2008, 07:03 AM   #4
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    Re: Boyfriend vs. Other Guy. Thoughts. (Sorry this is HELLA long)

    I don't understand how you feel sorry for sam and not for max. sam proved to you that he is disrespectful to your current relationship, he doesn't know if he wants a serious relationship - to me these are both red flags that he is looking for FUN from you and nothing more. you are considering leaving max but only if you have some guarantee that sam might want something?! Poor Max! do you really think you are that important to sam that his world will be crushed if you don't try to contact him or go out with him? (maybe then he will learn what respect in a relationship is). sounds to me like he is looking for good times and YOU are taking his intentions more seriously. you changed your number, you don't talk to him anymore...i think sam got the clue...so what is the real reason you want to contact for? I'm sure its not to console him b/c you ar enot in his life anymore.

    sorry for being harsh here, but i think what you are doing to max is pretty terrible.

     
    Old 03-05-2008, 10:42 AM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriend vs. Other Guy. Thoughts. (Sorry this is HELLA long)

    Hey there. In all honesty, I don't think Sam has very much respect for you. He made a move on you knowing full well that you had a boyfriend, and kept making moves on you. Now to be fair, you played right along and led him on. It was kind of like a game between the two of you. It sounds like he wanted to see if he could steal you away from your boyfriend, for the sport of it. Do you really think he could have much respect for you since you kept saying "No, I can't fool around with you, I have a boyfriend" and then you go ahead and fool around with him anyway?

    I'm not trying to rag on you, because life is confusing, relationships are confusing, and it is hard sometimes to know exactly what we want. And I have been in the exact same position as you. I don't think you should send Sam any kind of message or contact him unless you first break up with your boyfriend. If you want to take things further with Sam (realizing, of course, that in all likelihood it will probably just be a fling) then break up with your boyfriend and then you can be single and ready to mingle.

    But if you decide to stay with your boyfriend, then going to Sam and pouring out your feelings will just make you look even more pathetic (sorry to be harsh). I do think you are waaaaay too young to be settling down, especially since you're getting crushes on other people. Nothing wrong with that, but if you want to be free to develop connections with others than you should be single before you do that.
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    Old 03-05-2008, 11:44 AM   #6
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    Re: Boyfriend vs. Other Guy. Thoughts. (Sorry this is HELLA long)

    Before you even said it, I thought to myself that Sam didn't sound like "the girlfriend type." Any guy that physically pursues a girl that he knows has a boyfriend is a creep and just trying to get whatever he can out of you. Oh ok, so he gave you a rose on Valentines Day...ooooh, one point for being sweet. But he made a move on you the same night.. knowing you were in a relationship! Sleazy! Obviously he has no respect for your boyfriend, or for you even.. clearly he thinks you're the type of girl who would cheat on her boyfriend. Too bad you proved him right.

    I think your "feelings" for Sam are only there b/c it's new and exciting. You've been with the same guy for over a year, and now you're suddenly out of your comfort zone, meeting new people and the idea of other "options" out there has popped into your head... which is completely normal. I think everyone in a relationship finds themselves wondering at least once, "is this the person for me, what if there is someone better out there?" I think this happens for most couples who suddenly are in a long distance relationship.

    You should not contact Sam. Whatever your feelings are for your boyfriend, whether you decide to stay with him or not, you should not contact Sam. He'd be a rebound guy and it wouldn't last. He's screw with you for a little bit, then you'd want something more committed and he wouldn't.. and you end up hurt. Sam is a dead end that results in unnecessary pain. Forget about him.

    Now.. you need ask yourself if you want to make it work with Max. You say you can see a future with him. Well is a future that came from love.. or convenience? Do you want to be in a relationship while you are in school.. or do you want to have the freedom to have fun without worry about consequences?

    If you want to stay with Max then prepare yourself for a rough road. You cheated on him, lied to him and destroyed a lot of trust. You already said that he's calling you more often. I don't blame him. But you could end up resenting the short leash he will put you on. If you love him and want to correct your wrong doings then prepare yourself to do whatever you can to prove your devotion.

     
    Old 03-05-2008, 04:32 PM   #7
    DoubleMint
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    Re: Boyfriend vs. Other Guy. Thoughts. (Sorry this is HELLA long)

    Thanks for everyone's input.

    Even before I read all your posts, I stopped and thought about this all and decided not to contact Sam again. Everyoen has said it, and I know it also very well that Sam is not a girlfriend type guy and he is sleezy for doing all this knowing tha I have a boyfriend and I'm terrible for going along with it all. Nothing good could come out of me having anything to do with him.

    Now, as far as the situation with me and Max (my BF), he says he still loves me and he wants to trust me again and wants everything with our relationship to be normal once again but he feels "lost" and "confused" and says it's going to take a long time and a lot of effort on my part to show him that I'm serious about our relationship. Well, what can I do? So far we've just hung out one weekend and talked on the phone and our converations and the time we spend together is completley fun, relaxed and nomral-seeming, though you know the whole cheating inciddent is still in the back of our minds. What can I do to show him I'm serious? I mean, I've changed my phone number and have not said one word to Sam since this all happened, and ever since Max found out i've been honest with hima bout the whole things...about how I felt, why I think I did it, what i want to do, etc...what more? Is it really just going to take a A LONG TIME of us just being together for us to be normal again and for me to show him I'm serious?

    This weekend I want to make an appointment for us to go to spa and get massages together. Just so we can both relax and do something nice. Does doing something like this look like i'm sucking up, or what? I just want to do something nice for him.

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 06:12 AM   #8
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    Re: Boyfriend vs. Other Guy. Thoughts. (Sorry this is long)

    Hi doublemint,

    I'm glad you decided not to contact "Sam" again. I too agree that he is definately NOT the girlfriend type. Any guy who goes after a girl knowing that she is with someone else is almost always only looking for one thing. He actually said he wanted "to give the longterm thing a try"? Sounds like a good line to get you where he wants you.

    As far as "Max" is concerned, well, the only thing you can do is continue to be honest from this point on in your relationship. Yes, you made a mistake and with time things can go back to "normal". In order for that to happen you just have to be the honest and trustworthy girlfriend Max deserves. There are no guarentees he will ever get over it, but at least if you put in the effort you should it will make it a lot easier for him.

    But here's the thing I'm having trouble with. You keep saying Max is the only relationship you know and you feel like you may be missing out on things. As long as you have these feelings the "grass will always be greener", you know what mean? I've been in your shoes and learned the hard way that it isn't always the case. If you truly love Max then talk to him about your fears. There's a chance he could feel the same way. You never know. If you are unsure of Max then let him go. It will be hard, but it's unfair to keep him because he is all you know and you are affraid of the unknown. Only you know that answer for sure and I'm not trying to judge you at all. I'm just trying to give you a few things to think about.

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 06:55 AM   #9
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    Re: Boyfriend vs. Other Guy. Thoughts. (Sorry this is long)

    You're doing the right thing, and I think you're also doing all that you can do to with Max. Regaining trust is unfortunately just one of those things that will take time. You can spend all your free time together and on the phone, but the moment you're not together he may be wondering if you're really where you said you were. Your actions will be in the back of his mind for a longer time than it will be in yours. As the one who made the mistake, I think being patient with Max will be your biggest challenge. Just always be open and honest with him.. that's about all you can do.

    Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

     
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