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    Old 03-12-2008, 09:18 AM   #1
    Jarlena
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    When love crashes and burns

    One month ago this week, I walked into a bar and was introduced to a man who changed my life. We didnt talk much that night, but he sang and when he did, his voice lit up the room as well as my heart. By the end of the evening, a slow song came on and several couples went up to dance. I saw him dancing with someone else and I felt a strange pang that he should have been holding me instead of the girl that was in his arms. I dont know why I would have thought so. I mean I wasnt even thinking about him the whole night, he was just sort of there in the background. But somehow he had already made an inpression on my heart. Though I cant say it was love at first sight, I can say that I have never in all my life walked into a room and been so affected by anyone as he affected me.


    After the dance, I was about to leave with my friends and as I was saying goodbye I instinctively asked for his phone number, which he gladly gave to me. In less than a week I called and he sounded incredibly happy to hear from me. We made plans to meet at his house exactly a week to the day we first met (on Valentine's day ironically). We met in early afternoon because I was not working and he worked nights. We talked and laughed and sang, and something happened. I dont know what it was. But we both felt it so strongly. Though we didnt talk about our feelings, they were there. Much more than a spark, it was an explosive connection I have never felt before in my entire life. Not like that. We said our goodbyes and planned to meet again at the bar later that night. That night, Valentines night, everything changed.

    I was with some friends and so was he, but we talked alot more and it was clearer to everyone around us, that the way we were looking at each other was different....intense.... I noticed that when he sat close to me or accidentally touched my hand, every atom in my body tingled. I felt euphoric...captivated, fascinated, completely in awe of him. I didnt understand what was happening. For starters he is older than me, and not my type at all. But there was something in his eyes. I was lost in them. And his smile. It was like we met before....if you believe in that kind of thing. Then being Valentines day, they played a beautifully romantic song and he asked me to dance, since we missed our chance last week. When we did, it was like a scene out of a fairytale. I still remember the way it felt to be in his arms, the way he smelled, look in his eyes. How I wanted so much to kiss him...how I wanted to press him closer to me....but we remained cordial and said a friendly goodbye when it was time to leave.

    I remember going to bed feeling like I was starstruck and he was all I could think about the next day. We made plans to get together that Friday. We went back to his house and lit candles and sat in the candle glow listening to soft music just staring at eachother for hours. Before I left he asked if he could kiss me. I was so scared. I hadnt been with a man since the love of my life broke my heart into a million pieces last summer and I swore off love forever. But there was just something about this man. I wanted it even more than he did.

    So we kissed and I swear I never experienced a kiss like that before. Fireworks are an understatement. I saw nuclear explosions. It was just a kiss, it didnt go further than that but I felt my soul almost leave my body. No one in my 35 years has ever given me such a feeling. We spent the next almost 3 weeks lost completely in each other. I told him I didnt want a relationship....Its still too soon for me and Im trying to get my life together. But everywhere we go its hard not to think we are in love. Its the effect we have on each other, the way we cant stop looking at each other. It was nothing short of magical. He told me he felt the same way. In 2 weeks after our first kiss he told me he is in love with me. He does everything possible to show it and express it. He sends me flowers and cards with words in them I waited my whole life to hear. He is tender, sweet, considerate, genuine, loving, adoring, wants to please me in every way. I've never met a man more giving or who had such an effect on my body as he did. Sex was an outerbody experience. It surpassed the physical for both of us. We just sit in astonishment aftwerwards looking at eachother like how could this feel so good? How can feelings like this even exist? It was perfect, heavensent, sweeter and more beautiful than anything I ever knew before. And I've had alot of relationships....never oh never felt like this.....

    Yet all the while I didnt feel madly desperately in love with him, as I did with my last boyfriend. It was just a new feeling, incredibly strong and wonderfully euphoric. Not phyisically based on lust, but very tender and emotional. Like I wanted to hold him and take care of him and love him, but not that wild crazy cant get enough of you love....more mature and based on real emotions than physical pleasure. Even though the physical pleasure was off the charts! It's so hard to explain really.


    Anyway, I have been lost in this magical place with him for the better part of 4 blissful weeks....where a touch of his hand made my soul feel complete. Thinking it could never and would never change. When all of a sudden it stopped....at least for me. As fiercely and beautifully as it happened, I woke up Monday morning, after one of our ususally enchanted and 2 hour long goodbyes on Sunday night, and I just didnt feel it anymore. We saw eachother yesterday and planned our ususal quiet dinner and evening alone. But when we went out and I stood next to him, I looked at him as almost for the first time and I didnt recognize the man I had been loving for the past month. He seemed different to me. I felt suddenly empty, deflated, depressed, horrified. He went to touch me and not only wasnt it euphoric, and wildly passionate, but it was uncomfortable and almost painful because it felt so different. Im not sure if its my body getting over the flu which I had or just being out of work for so long which has finally hit me and emotionally effected me, or....if my feelings for him just crashed and burned the way most of my other relationships have done. But in all my past relationships, there was always something left after the passion stopped, and even then, it never ever went from feeling THIS AMAZING, to almost nothing at all. Is this normal? Is it me? Was it all a lie I told myself? He made me so incredibly happy,and at the same time I knew somehow that it wasnt going to last...but why would it come to this crashing painful hault? He didnt do or say anything wrong or mean or hurtful to throw me out of the love we had been in. So I dont understand. He has still been his incredibly loving sweet wonderful self. We were just sitting a week ago in a restaurant unable to stop holding hands across the table and staring into each others eyes, and then suddenly.....poof! Gone!...

    Last night he sensed it...how could he not? I pulled away from him...i dont know why. It just changed and I hated myself, hated my life, hated always being in this same place never really knowing lasting happiness or contentment with anyone. It hurt so much. I just wanted to run away from him, from myself. But I cant. Im a grown up and I need to deal with all of this. I dont want to hurt him or change things if this is just a temporary glitch. But thats just it, I dont know. I feel so confused and sad from being so happy....God, happier than I think Ive ever been.

    So why did this happen? Why does it feel like my emotions and my body lied to me in making me feel so euphorically happy and connected to someone only for it to just dissolve this way? It doesnt make any sense. I never felt a connection to someone so strong as this. It just cant be a lie. He is still very much in love and very happy with us being together, even planning a life together. He called me and told me that I am the most important thing in his life. So what the hell happened to me? Can any woman relate to this?

    If anyone can share their thoughts, I would be so grateful. I just feel so confused, so painfully alone, and lost.

    Thank you...

    Jarlena

     
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    Old 03-12-2008, 09:22 AM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: When love crashes and burns

    Do you know the song by B.B. King, "the thrill is gone" ?
    you were in love/lust with the feeling, not with him......

     
    Old 03-12-2008, 10:38 AM   #3
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    Re: When love crashes and burns

    It's impossible for any relationship to sustain that kind of intensity forever, in fact a month is pretty good. But how does he feel, friend-wise, if you know what I mean? What kind of books has he read lately? What's his favorite movie, his favorite kind of movie, his favorite music groups, sports teams, does he hike, bike, love or hate the theatre, what are his hobbies, his favorite way to spend a rainy afternoon, his political or religious affiliations, life philosophies, world view, opinions on child rearing, etc.? Is he on the same page with you on any of this? And how does he treat you, speak to you, is he respectful, is he a man of his word, does he do what he says he will when he says he will? In short, is he a good friend? What do you really KNOW about him, and do you LIKE what you know? That's what's most important. If you like him, and are on the same page with him on more things than not, then I say hang in there and give it a little more time. Don't freak out right away just because all that fireworks and staring into each others' eyes stuff has faded. That stuff fades anyway. I'm not saying lead him on, but give yourself a chance to find out who he is, and if you even LIKE him. If you do, give it a good go before you decide it's over. But take your time. I mean, talking about planning a life together, being in love, etc. after only a month?? Be cautious of that as well. Take your time, take it slow and see if you can build something real.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-12-2008 at 11:19 AM.

     
    Old 03-12-2008, 11:21 AM   #4
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    Re: When love crashes and burns

    There is this really good book that compares love to a mental illness. Basically it's like a drug. We experience a high, and then eventually the high wears off. It's a biological thing. We need to feel that kind of intense passion and connection so that we are driven to sleep with that person, therefore propagating the species. After we've accomplished that (not necessarily creating a child) the intensity of the feelings start to fade because we've already accomplished what our biology wants us to. It's just science at work.

    If someone is going to be a long-term partner, there has to be more of a foundation than just the transient feelings of lust and white hot passion. You need to find someone who has the same values and goals, someone you get on well with, someone you have a real friendship with.

    It sounds like the both of you are die-hard romantics. It's exciting when you find someone and feel like you have a great, inexplicable connection with them. But that is often the trouble when the initial connection is inexplicable - eventually you come down from the high and you find yourself looking at the other person and being confused, wondering if you really know them.

    I felt exactly that way about a man who I had known for a couple of years. Completely head over heels...the euphoria and magic of it all was unbelievable. We carried on an affair for something like two years. But then when we finally got to a point where we confessed we were both in love with each other, I balked, realizing that while it was a great fantasy, we were way too different. And there were all of these things about him that bothered me. He wasn't my type, personality wise. And it's kind of jarring because I see him now and I feel nothing at all...and I have to struggle to remember how it was when he was the center of my universe. I can't. Weird.

    But that's how it is. Don't let it get you down. In reality, strong, enduring relationships are more about friendship and complimenting each other and having a partner to do things with.
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    Old 03-12-2008, 01:16 PM   #5
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    Re: When love crashes and burns

    In my experience, love/lust/romance are all things that require work, after the initial "can't take my eyes off of you" phase is over. That part, the beginning so to speak, always fades to some extent.What follows after is really a matter of choice.* You have to choose to move forward or end it.* I've been with my husband for 25+ years, and I've fallen in love with him all over again, many times. The reality of a long term relationship is that it ALWAYS takes work.* By both people.* Things happen in life, kids, misunderstandings, fatigue, jobs, other people sticking their noses into your relationship, etc.* The question is.....can you make it through all those things, with this man?* Do you want that with ANY man?Some people are not ever going to be "the long haul" type.* And that's fine. I guess you just have to figure out which type you are.* If you look way down deep and are completely honest with yourself, you should be able to find that answer.I guess what I'm saying is that if you are looking to have the same intensity that you had with him for the first month, last for the rest of your relationship, I don't believe that is possible for any of us.
    Maybe you are the kind of person who will go through life having intense short term relationships and live a happy life doing so. That's perfectly OK as long as you are honest with the other person, right from the beginning. It definitely wouldn't be fair, otherwise.
    I hope this was helpful and I wish you the best, whatever you choose. cmpgirl

     
    Old 03-12-2008, 01:49 PM   #6
    Jarlena
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    Re: When love crashes and burns

    Thank you ALL so much for your wonderful and thoughtful replies

    Yes I do know the "I cant take my eyes off you" phase does not last forever and then you have to deal with the real work of being in a relationship....the strange thing is after losing the man that I loved (for 20 years might I add!) I really thought I could never experience that kind of fairytale feeling with another person after him, but I was wrong and it surprised the hell out of me.

    With all my other flash in the pan relationships it was hot and heavy in the beginning but not so with this man. It was so much more of an emotional connection ...a tender beautiful thing. Like the way it felt just to be near him, hold his hand or hear him sing (something we both love to do). It astounded me that I could almost be happy again...almost be in love...it felt so wonderful.

    And yes...we did seem to have much in common....

    Larrylou's mom said:

    "What kind of books has he read lately? What's his favorite movie, his favorite kind of movie, his favorite music groups, sports teams, does he hike, bike, love or hate the theatre, what are his hobbies, his favorite way to spend a rainy afternoon, his political or religious affiliations, life philosophies, world view, opinions on child rearing, etc.? Is he on the same page with you on any of this? And how does he treat you, speak to you, is he respectful, is he a man of his word, does he do what he says he will when he says he will? In short, is he a good friend? What do you really KNOW about him, and do you LIKE what you know? "

    Yes yes!!! I loved the person I was getting to know....like I said, it wasnt about lust, but more about all the little things he slowly revealed about himself made me feel more and more that there was something unique between us....our likes, dreams, desires, the way we approach life and love and lots of other little things that have propelled this whole thing from the start. We both love to sing and I met him in a karaoke bar, he was a friend of a friend, and the moment we sang to each other that was it....

    That being said, I have been very honest with him about my feelings, but there came that moment when we truly both felt so "in love" there is no other way to describe it. He said it first and while I was hesitant because I knew I didnt want to get ahead of myself that soon....I mean love takes years to really know if its real or not, but it just felt so right to say....I said I love you too.....then suddenly over the last few days, when things started to fade a bit for me...we were together and I dont know what happened to me. I just felt deflated, or like my bubble of happiness suddenly burst in mid air and I dont know why.

    I am not the kind of woman who goes relationship hopping to feel the initial high and moves on after it ends. Oh god, Im the kind of girl who stays on long after the love fades, because I always had a problem letting go. But Im different now, I felt ready for a real relationship and that is what I was hoping this could be, so I dont know why I am suddenly feeling this way.

    I have yearned for a long term love affair that grows deeper and more real as time goes by. I have been through so many failed attempts and then lost who I truly believed to be my soulmate last summer. We had known eachother 20 years...from high school and after all that time I believed he was still the "One"...I loved him, but he never loved me...not really. When it finally ended last July, I told myself I was going to be one of those old ladies who dies alone with no one but her cat to even notice. I became quite the happy single girl, not needing love, affection, attention from men, or even sex, nothing...I blocked it all out and spent time getting to know and love myself. Then....just when I thought I was doing OK, this man walks into my life so unexpectedly and it hasnt been the same since. My emotions and hormones and everything else inside me has been all over the map. I just dont know what it is Im feeling anymore. Its not a rebound thing...I was not rebounding as I dealt with my broken relationship a long time ago. I certainly wasnt looking for a nw one....didnt need it or want it, but BANG....it happened. We just looked at one another from across a crowded room and there is was....for the both of us. We couldnt both be dreaming.

    The thing is, he is so much older than me...I am very pretty and look much younger than my 35 years.....and he, well, to me I see whats beautiful about him, but he's not what you would call an attractive man. And as much as I still feel this desire to get to know him, and still do love being physically close to him.....I'm just scared Im only fooling myself, that because of our age difference and with time I might want something different, or not at all. And as soon as I lost that high in love feeling about him, it all started to hit me. I am not sure what to do.

    I suppose just take things one day at a time....I thank you all so much for your responses and your kind replies....sometimes we just need to reach out to others so we know that we are not alone. It has been a crazy time for me the past few months....so many ups and downs. I dont have any regrets...just not sure anymore what is real, or how to move forward.

    Thank you again....for sharing and listening.....

    Jarlena

     
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