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  • When husband is more married to child than wife.........

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    Old 03-24-2008, 09:22 AM   #1
    maggie08
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    When husband is more married to child than wife.........

    I had always thought that marriage/relationships were two-way streets, give and take, compromises from each party, etc.,etc,. All that good stuff.
    And I feel the same rules should apply to those entering the marriage with a child(ren). Please note that I have 2 older children myself (no longer living at home) and they are very important to me. I am not anti-children per say. But, where do you draw the line when your husband, who makes it very clear
    that it is his child and it will be his decision alone on "anything" that concerns
    this child. There are no compromises on anything. That includes discipline,
    any kind of structure, etc. The child is 8 years old and is at our home every other weekend. You would think well it's just every other weekend so what's the problem? Let me tell you, it's been 6 years of conflict.
    There are no set rules for the child. Bedtimes, cleaning of bedroom (it's a pig-pen) any of the things I feel a child should do. I guess my husband feels like since it's only every other weekend those things shouldn't apply. It should be all fun and games. I can easily see the child getting more spoiled as it is.
    I had on occasion expressed "my" opinion on all of this. I feel an 8 year old is quite old enough to be taught responsibility by keeping his room clean, etc.
    But my opinions go no where. And they are not received by my husband very well either. It has always been this way. He says he wants me to play a part
    in their relationship but I also know the part I would play would have to be very "conditional" at best. Knowing that if I say any thing negative or condeming it will not be received well. Just gets shrugged aside. Everything that concerns HIS child has to be praising and good. I think that's BS, so
    normally I don't say anything.
    I have many times over the years hated and dreaded the weekends that the child was at our home. Never knowing what altercation would happen. I have very strong feelings of resentment about it all. Although I realize it is not the child himself that causes all the grief for me, it is his dad. I use the word "husband" lightly cause he doesn't act like one. He is also this devoted to the other family members. He is the wonderful son, father, brother, etc. just not into the part of being husband.
    I honestly feel like him and peoople like him with kid(s) should not enter into
    marriage when they are uncapable or unwilling to treat their spouses with respect and as an equal. When your whole world is the child and your not willing to put any effort into the "marriage" itself, then why bother?
    I had always thought a man should feel like his wife is important. As important as the mom, dad, brothers, and even child. I have so much resentment. I look forward to the day when I am out of this mess and would be scared to death to ever again get involved with someone with kid(s)!
    Maybe if he had of appreciated and treated ME with some respect along the line, a whole lot of this could have been avoided. My words of wisdom: Just because you have a child it doesn't give you a free-pass to treat your spouse like crap. There will be consequences to pay at some point in time!
    I appreciate the opportunity to get this off my chest. maggie08

     
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    Old 03-24-2008, 09:30 AM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: When husband is more married to child than wife.........

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by maggie08 View Post
    There will be consequences to pay at some point in time!
    I appreciate the opportunity to get this off my chest. maggie08

    what are the consequences to him? are you leaving him?

     
    Old 03-24-2008, 10:12 AM   #3
    happymom28
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    Re: When husband is more married to child than wife.........

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by maggie08 View Post
    I honestly feel like him and peoople like him with kid(s) should not enter into marriage when they are uncapable or unwilling to treat their spouses with respect and as an equal. When your whole world is the child and your not willing to put any effort into the "marriage" itself, then why bother?
    I completely understand what you are saying here maggie08. It is not a crime to want to be the best mother/father you know how to be to your child. But it is wrong to get into a relationship (let along a marriage) with someone if you can not or will not consider their opinions as well. I mean, yes, disipline is usually left up to the biological parent, but as a step parent you deserve to have some say in your own home.

    I too was a single parent when I met my husband. We talked a lot in the beginning about our view on relationships, marriage, parenthood, etc., because I had my daughter to worry about. It wasn't just me dating a guy and seeing where it went. I had to look out for my daughter here as well. If we weren't on the same page when it came to some core things I never would have considered any sort of relationship with him, let alone marrying him.

    I don't blame you for being resentful. You can't even discuss your feelings about it, and that's not good. He's not even trying to hear you out let alone attempt to even meet you somewhere in the middle. I for one wouldn't be able to be married to someone who disregarded my feelings in such a manner and I certainly wouldn't be married to someone if I were going to dismiss their feelings the way your husband dismisses yours. Perhaps it's time to seek some marriage counselling to see if you can get past this? If he's unwilling to even try to fight for you then I don't see any point of you putting up the effort on your end.

     
    Old 03-24-2008, 11:23 AM   #4
    Kszan
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    Re: When husband is more married to child than wife.........

    I'm not trying to be mean, but these problems must have been there before you ever got married, so why did you get married in the first place? This doesn't sound like the kind of problem that just mysteriously appeared after you got married.

    At the end of the day, if you're unwilling to make concessions for any kids that might be in the relationship, you probably shouldn't have gotten involved with a guy who has a kid already. That's a really major issue that a lot of people tend to overlook, and they get involved with these people and married, all the while thinking somehow the kid won't be an issue. But the kid is the entire issue, and it's something that people really need to keep in mind before they get involved.

    So, my question to you is, you knew how he was with his kid before you ever got married, so why did you get married anyway, knowing this was going to be an issue? I mean, did you think it was going to change somehow after you got married? Nine times out of 10 (or higher), things that are a problem before the marriage end up still being a problem after the marriage, and sometimes those are the issues that cause the marriage to break up eventually, anyway. I mean, honestly the divorce rate would be so much lower if people would just realize that problems only get worse after they get married, and they become magnified and problematic until it's breaking point for everyone involved.

     
    Old 03-24-2008, 11:47 AM   #5
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    Re: When husband is more married to child than wife.........

    I am sorry you feel this way but your husband has made his decision and perhaps you could change you ways of resentment to one of encouragement. I'm not sure what he does to disrespect you but he feels that his way of interacting with his daughter is his way and it is the only way he knows how to be. She will be out of his life in a few short years or at least she will go off to college or work or married or whatever. But he is doing what he feels is the best thing. Maybe you could step back and try a different approach and see if your relationship improves. You got to raise your children your way and now it is your husbands turn. If she is only with him on a few weekends why does he have to have strict rules it is already hard enough to be a parent on a part time basis so let him spoil her and remember she should come first before you so why not join in the fun. And if she is to respect you then you must respect her dad and not begrudge him for being who he is. Just love him. Let go of that anger and enjoy his parenting style. It would be different if she were living with you full time but she isn't so let it go. I do agree with you in the fact that he shouldn't of gotten married but you saw the writing on the wall when you did marry him. I personally don't think parents of young children should get into relationships until their children are grown.

     
    Old 03-24-2008, 12:24 PM   #6
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    Re: When husband is more married to child than wife.........

    I was also a single parent raising my son. When my current husband and I became involved, my son was around 7, and No he wasnt allowed to discipline him in any way shape or form. This was my child, and my job. The only fault I can really find with your husband, is that something as simple as a clean room......could be compromised on.....Why dont all 3 of you give the room a good cleaning, and then make it a new house rule that before the child leaves after the weekend visit that it has to be back the way it was. I dont know why this would be a problem, and if it is maybe he isnt willing to budge at all where his child is concerned.
    In that case, learn to live with it, or go.
    Mileena

     
    Old 03-24-2008, 07:26 PM   #7
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    Re: When husband is more married to child than wife.........

    Maggie,
    In my opinion your right, your this child's parent (step mom), you became this when you married this childs Daddy, and with it comes some very hard decisions and of course responsabilitys, your hubby should stand with you on any decisions you make to discipline the child and make the child mind , clean his room eat,ect,,ect, and do the things you tell him to do and your husband should stany by you, even tho this is his child from previous marrige, your his wife and you should come first in my opinion as long as you have the good intentions for this child.
    I don't think your being jelous or ridiculous, your just wanting to be a loving wife and caring a mom with a little respect from the oppsites.
    My advise to you,= talk with your hubby or see a counsler all three of you or seek a divorce, if this makes you uncomfortable and un-happy then get out of the marriage.
    you certainly deserve to be treated with respect and diginity.
    your hubby needs a wake up call so give it to him.

    Last edited by chevyman; 03-24-2008 at 07:29 PM. Reason: spelling!

     
    Old 03-25-2008, 09:00 AM   #8
    maggie08
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    Re: When husband is more married to child than wife.........

    We did see a counselor a time or two. It obviously didn't help. There's no talking to someone when they are not open to it. He has clearly stated that when it comes to his son or the sons mother that he will do things "his" way regardless of what I think or say. We've even been separated before for a month or so. Like the fool I am I came back because I once again believed the lies of his wanting to make the marriage work. I had to quit my job last Sept. because of a disability and I wont be able to work again until I can have a much needed knee-replacement. To enable me to be on my feet for longer periods of time. I'm sure even then I wont be making as much money as I use too and it worries me a lot. I feel (am) stuck where I'm at for the time being.
    I look back at the period of time after we were married when my two kids were still living home. My husband had no reservations about voicing his dislikes for certain things my kids were doing. And it did kind of hurt my feelings but he was right in what he was saying and I did address the problems with my kids. I could have chosen to have the "attitude" , like he does me when it's his son, but I felt like it was my responsibity to treat him with respect, as it was his home also. I could have made things worse by taking that disrespectful route but I didn't. If he was right, he was right.
    I am not a mean person and believe me I know what a touchy situation it is
    talk about step-kid(s). Kids will be kids regardless.
    But regardless of whether it is a step-child or a biological child, there must be a bond between the spouses also, a willingness (out of respect for each other) to communicate about what is and isn't acceptable in the household, concerning the kid(s).
    A step-parent (like me) should and has the right to play a role with importance and meaning. I should not be dismissed just because I express my opinions and concerns. Even when they might be disapproving.
    I tend to think that when priority is given to the marriage (Husband/Wife) and that relationship is healthy and good then it will have the trickle-down effect, making the other things good.
    And yes, the writing was on the wall as far as this marriage goes from day one. I know I was a fool to think anything would change. Thanks for all the responses. maggie08

     
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