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Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!


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Old 04-01-2008, 02:14 PM   #16
Mileena42
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

My two cents worth on this from beginning: I don't want to sound judgmental either. This is my opinion. For starters you said the reason you told about the affair was because it was weighing heavy on you. I hate to see people hurt other people to help their own consious. It's sad. I think you told your husband, because you wanted him to know how far you might go if you couldn't force a change in him.

I notice some of you ladies who responded think the husband should compromise and change his work to day shift. I also noticed that most of you don't live down south. It can become VERY hot and humid here, and I totally buy his story that he couldn't take the heat of the day, esp since even she stated he was overweight. I also find it hard to believe that his job is a 7 day a week job.....is he never home at night? Most people at least get 2 days off? Can you enjoy the nights with him on those times?

With all due respect to you and the ladies replies you have gotten....I think this poor man has gotten a bum deal. His wife tells him that she has had an affair and then on top of that goes and tells the whole church, so now everyone knows. Then, she is laying the blame for that on his doorstep because he works nights and she doesn't want to sleep alone. I don't want to sound harsh, and forgive me if I missed something......but if a guy came in here with these excuses for sleeping with another woman...you ladies wouldn't uphold that.

True, I don't know all the story, only what you have given us....but I think you are expecting something from this poor man when he is the victim. I am sorry, but that is how I see it.

Mileena

 
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Old 04-01-2008, 02:31 PM   #17
happymom28
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
I notice some of you ladies who responded think the husband should compromise and change his work to day shift. I also noticed that most of you don't live down south. It can become VERY hot and humid here, and I totally buy his story that he couldn't take the heat of the day, esp since even she stated he was overweight. I also find it hard to believe that his job is a 7 day a week job.....is he never home at night? Most people at least get 2 days off? Can you enjoy the nights with him on those times?

With all due respect to you and the ladies replies you have gotten....I think this poor man has gotten a bum deal. His wife tells him that she has had an affair and then on top of that goes and tells the whole church, so now everyone knows. Then, she is laying the blame for that on his doorstep because he works nights and she doesn't want to sleep alone. I don't want to sound harsh, and forgive me if I missed something......but if a guy came in here with these excuses for sleeping with another woman...you ladies wouldn't uphold that.

True, I don't know all the story, only what you have given us....but I think you are expecting something from this poor man when he is the victim. I am sorry, but that is how I see it.
You do make some good points Mileena. I am not from the south so I don't know how the heat and humidity is there. The reason why I think he should be willing to try to compromise is because he did use to work that shift. He changed it 2 years into their marriage and dismissed her feelings about it.

And yes, I do also think the husband got a bum deal. My exhusband cheated on me and I totally feel for him. I'm just not going to be judgemental because the last time I did that I got banned.

I guess the point I'm making is that things led up to her cheating. Does that make it right, no, not in the least. But it happened and he knows about it and he wants to make things work. So I feel that if he wants to make things work then he should be willing to try to compromise on the things she had issues with before she even strayed.

Honestly, I find many marriages don't work after infidelity unless both parties do a lot of soul searching and compromising. I don't see that happening in this situation. That's why I think this marriage really can't be saved.

 
Old 04-01-2008, 03:02 PM   #18
Mileena42
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

I hope I didn't over-step. I didn't intend to be critical. It's just that I couldn't really offer sound advice when I was also seeing his side of things, which means maybe I shouldn't have responded at all.....BUT like I said I only know what is written, and of course real life situations can't be told in one thread. I don't know what this lady might have to live with on a day to day basis, and truthfully in the bible belt a lot of people take marriage problems before the church. I suppose thats our way of getting counselling.

I only wanted to point out what seemed oblvious to me concerning the heat here, that some of you might not have understood. Getting in and out of a truck on a 98 degree day with 100% humidity could be rough on the most healthy individuals.

I also wanted to point out, and maybe I was too harsh in that people shouldn't lay blame on the spouse when there is an affair. I think a person makes thats choice because thats what they want to do.....true the person giving them attention is an incentive, esp if you feel you are lacking that at home.

I do wish you the best in working on your marriage, I just think its unrealistic to expect him to do all the changing. Is there a half way point that might make you both happy?

Mileena

 
Old 04-01-2008, 03:34 PM   #19
BrownSuga35
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Mileena..thanks for your reply. Yes I do can sympathy with my husband having to work in the heat if he went back to days. That is one of the reasons why he changed to night shift and that is why I relunctantly accepted the night shift 6 years ago...but him working nights is now taking it's toll on his family. I never said that he workd 7 nights. He works 5 nights each week and the 2 nights he is off (Sat & Sun) he is downstairs either playing videos or on the computer because he is so use to being up during the night. So he barely sleeps with me on his nights off. So now this should help u see where I am coming from. I'm married, but feel quite single.

Oh and it wasn't my idea to tell the men in my church..it was my husbands idea. Our religion tells us that we have to confess our sins and he figured they should know so that they can help us save our marriage. And to just let you know the WHOLE church doesn't know about the affair, just the pastors. So please stop thinking that my husband is the one getting the bum deal here...Yes I cheated and that was so unfair to him and Yes I confessed to the affair which I think was pretty darn brave of me. You are suppose to confess your sins and he had every right to know despite it hurting him. I didn't tell him only to get it off my chest, but because it was the RIGHT thing to do. Marriage is not about keeping secrets..it was bad enough I hid the affair for 4 1/2 months..so I didn't feel right hiding it from him any longer. I know I did the right thing by telling him.

Last edited by BrownSuga35; 04-01-2008 at 03:39 PM.

 
Old 04-01-2008, 04:05 PM   #20
WorriednNervous
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
My two cents worth on this from beginning: I don't want to sound judgmental either. This is my opinion. For starters you said the reason you told about the affair was because it was weighing heavy on you. I hate to see people hurt other people to help their own consious. It's sad. I think you told your husband, because you wanted him to know how far you might go if you couldn't force a change in him.

I notice some of you ladies who responded think the husband should compromise and change his work to day shift. I also noticed that most of you don't live down south. It can become VERY hot and humid here, and I totally buy his story that he couldn't take the heat of the day, esp since even she stated he was overweight. I also find it hard to believe that his job is a 7 day a week job.....is he never home at night? Most people at least get 2 days off? Can you enjoy the nights with him on those times?

With all due respect to you and the ladies replies you have gotten....I think this poor man has gotten a bum deal. His wife tells him that she has had an affair and then on top of that goes and tells the whole church, so now everyone knows. Then, she is laying the blame for that on his doorstep because he works nights and she doesn't want to sleep alone. I don't want to sound harsh, and forgive me if I missed something......but if a guy came in here with these excuses for sleeping with another woman...you ladies wouldn't uphold that.

True, I don't know all the story, only what you have given us....but I think you are expecting something from this poor man when he is the victim. I am sorry, but that is how I see it.

Mileena
I have to say I agree with this post. I understand what its like to have a husband that works nights my husband also works nights and has for 3 currently. Yeah not the funniest thing but sometimes its just what life throws at ya. And IMO I see that reasoning as a lame excuse for cheating. I am of the train of thought that if I ever had the thought of cheating you leave the marriage cheating is just not acceptable.

Quote:
My husband also has gained 60lbs over the past few years and his gut is horrendous. I have told him all of this time and time again, but he has done nothing about it yet he wants to stay with me because I am a good woman and wife and he knows that and yes he loves me dearly, but not enough to change his job shift or to lose weight, etc
Ya know these things also happen in life. My husband has gained weight also but I love him no less and I have not pushed him to do something he is not ready himself to do. When you love someone its suppose to be unconditional no matter if they gained weight, went bald or whatever. Either you love them how they are or you don't.

Quote:
him not being the greatest father..I mean anytime he forgot the name of our son's school saids a lot. Anytime he forget our daughters DOB saids a lot.
Some people have bad memories. After 9 years my husband still asks me when my birthday is, what the name of the boys school is, sometimes their birthday, heck I confuse my sons birth dates. I certainly can't fault someone for not remembering these things.

Overall it comes down to 2 questions maybe 3.
1. Are you willing to stick this out and make changes (as well as your husband to make this work?
2. Are you willing to walk out and start your life fresh?
3. Are all the things you listed a deal breaker for this relationship?

 
Old 04-01-2008, 08:39 PM   #21
oregon_guy
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

I have to agree with mileena and worriedandnervous. I have been in your husbands shoes (actually still am) and I understand the hurt, confusion, and mixed up feelings that he is most likely going through. If I was him I would want to know what your true feelings for me are. He is torn between his love for you and the pain that makes him want to end it. Every one is right, if he does ever trust you again it will be a long time. When my wife cheated on me it robbed me and our relationship of something that I don't think I will ever get back. Something in our relationship definitely died. You might be doing him a favor if you tell him how you feel. It may be what he needs to end the marriage. If I thought my wife felt that way I'd file for divorce tommorrow.

I work nights too, though I work a 4 on, 4 off schedule. I would find it extremely difficult to flip to a day schedule when you only have 2 days off. One would have to be up 24 hours then sleep 8 (or whatever) then up another 24 hours. Ouch!) As it is, I stay up 24+ hours on my first day off (up at 4pm till 10 or 11pm the next day)and stay up 24+ hours on my first Night shift on (up at 7am that day go to sleep at 9am the next day) in order to spend time with my family. In my case graveyard was not my choice though, but there is something to be said about having a stable job in today's economy.
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Old 04-02-2008, 12:06 AM   #22
shorti
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

so you are saying that your husband gets paid an extra 30% by working night shifts? well im not sure how the conditions are where you are living at the moment but australia is currently going through inflation at the moment. petrol prices have hit the roof. we have had something like 11 interest rate rises in a row, rent has gone up 12% throughout the whole country and people are forced to sell their homes because they cant make the monthly payments. do you work at all? maybe you can go and get a part time job to take the pressure off him. then he can cut back his hours to spend time with the kids. yes money doesnt bring happiness but you need it to survive espeicially when everything is going up and up and up. my boyfriend sometimes works 12 hour shifts. he works monday to friday in an office job but his job is very demanding. he is in a senior management position. sometimes he has to do extra on the weekends. we are wanting to move in together so i work on all my days off from uni just to save up. we cant move in together simply because we cant afford it. he is also from europe and i would go there anyday to be with him if he had to for work and i cant speak his language. i support him in what he does and love it when he achieves his goals. it really makes me happy. my friend got married to her childhood sweertheart. they have 2 kids together and he is in the army and every few years he gets posted elsewhere in the country. so she has to move the family around but she does it because she loves her husband and supports him in what he does. as far as im concerned there is no excuse for cheating and if the cost of living is anything like australia's at the moment then i understand the difficulty people are going through just to put food on the table.

Last edited by shorti; 04-02-2008 at 12:08 AM.

 
Old 04-02-2008, 03:36 AM   #23
shorti
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownSuga35 View Post

And yes my husband should accommodate me by changing his job shift if it is destroying the marriage that he wants so badly to save. That is what marriage is about. I have made many sacrifaces for him. I moved 1100 miles away from my family and friends to be with him. He can at least do something worthwhile to save his marriage.
also i thought i might add that marriage isnt a payback system where i did that for you, so you do this for me. sorry but it doesnt work that way. if you cant accept his weight, working hours and stuff like that, simple, move on.
marriage is not about him changing his job shift for you like you said. marriage is also about understanding and u dont seem to understand him at all. if he wants to work nights so he can bring that extra 30% pay home for his family, so be it. least he will be able to spend more on the kids, maybe go on holidays. marriage is certainly not about cheating.

 
Old 04-08-2008, 09:59 AM   #24
dma11663
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

Wow! That is harsh!

Everyone has their reasons for doing what they do...but you should have left w/o having someone to go to. If your lover didn't end it would you have? Were you in your heart planning to leave your husband and be with your lover? Do you love your husband? If not...you need to let him go and have a life w/o you. You deserve happiness too.....and he deserves to be happy as well. Your kids will survive as long as the both of you do this the right way.

Good luck!

 
Old 04-08-2008, 10:42 AM   #25
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

{removed- Read and follow our rules and "sticky" posts.}

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 04-09-2008 at 06:08 AM. Reason: Do not be judgemental in your posts. MOVE ON if you can't be supportive! Read & follow our rules. Thank you!

 
Old 01-19-2009, 08:28 AM   #26
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Re: Confessed to Cheating on Husband..Now Confused!

My husband has been talking to this girl at work secreterly, everytime i find about her and him talking through email or myspace, he claims they are just friends, but he always apologizes to me and says he won't talk to her anymore, as tho they were more then friends, he still hasn't confessed anything, I had a gut feeling it was more then friendship, she was also married, and when i confronted her about her and my husband she said the same thing, that they were just friends, and that she loves her husband so much, she wouldn't do that to him. Well come to find out she was going through a seperation with her husband the same time my husband wanted to seperated. Well this has been going on for almost a year, and i still haven't left my husband thinking that he will not talk to her anymore. Then last week i found out he was texting her, I was fed up, and moved out. I was so angry that i cheated on him, and now that we are seperated I admitted to him that I cheated on him, and now he is trying to say that he never cheated on me with her, but i'm confused because everytime i found out about her, he will apologized as though they did do something. What should I do now?? I feel really bad, because i want to believe him, but at the same time, my heart tells me that he's lying.. Need some advise...

 
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