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  • paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

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    Old 03-31-2008, 01:47 AM   #1
    pettle88
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    Unhappy paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

    ive been with my boyfriend for about a year now and i can't seem to shake off how i feel when a naked or half naked women comes on tv or if i see someone who is showing a lot of cleavage/short short short skirt on or something. ive talked to him about it, telling him it makes me hate myself everytime cause i feel he wants a woman like that and i don't look like that and of course he always reassures me that im wrong and he loves me and wants only me but the thing is everytime something like this happens we argue because i can't seem to believe it. its getting worse and worse, its not that i think he'd ever cheat on me.. just the thought of him liking someone more than me or maybe wanting that and not me makes me just feel miserable. i feel as though it is killing our relationship and soon if i dont do anything about it there will be no relationship. i want to not feel this way, i've tried pushing it in the back of my head and ive tried not even talking to him about it, ive tried talking about it everytime it happens but talking turns into arguing since it seems to happen every day now. its gotten to the point where if something comes on tv with a naked woman i'll say did you see that? and he'll lie and say no, he even admitted to lying so i don't get upset because he doesn't want to argue. this is also causing trust problems with us. i just want this to all go away so we can move on in our relationship, i know it sounds immature or something but i just can't seem to shake it off... i think its because in past relationships ive been put on diets and told all my flaws that im not good enough etc. which i know isnt a good excuse and the past should be left in the past, but i guess its stuck with me since everytime something like that is on tv i react in not even wanting him touching me in fear hes comparing me to another woman... if anyone has any advice i'd really appreciate it... i feel like im going crazy with this paranoia/jealousy/insecurity issue and i need to solve it... or else im going to lose the one person who means the most to me in this world. thank you

     
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    Old 03-31-2008, 03:40 AM   #2
    Mileena42
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    Re: paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

    Wow! I suggest you get some counsleing and quickly. Everything I was thinking of telling you.........you told yourself: If you don't get a handle on this it will ruin the relationship.

    You know, I think body image is a strange thing and all in our heads. I do not believe that men compare us to other women, they don't have too......we do that to ourselves. One thing you need to remember about those women on tv, they aren't the girl next door. Not many of us measure up to what some movie star looks like. The fact that your bf is with you says that you measure up to what he is looking for, you didn't mention that he put you down or tried to change you in any way. It isn't him that doesnt like the way you are....its you!

    I would almost bet that you are a beautiful woman physically. My sister in law, when she first married my brother did this thing about the tv. She was a blonde bombshell who lots of women would have loved looking like, but she had an image of herself that didn't add up. She left my brother once and took their newborn baby girl because he watched a movie that had a nude woman in it.

    I wish I could tell you how she overcame this, all I know is she is still with him and they have 16 and 12 year old daughters and are expecting another baby this September.

    I wish you and your bf all the luck in the world, and maybe someone else can tell you something that might help you more. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Other women have faced this issue and worked through it.

    Mileena

     
    Old 03-31-2008, 05:46 AM   #3
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    Re: paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

    Well, this is clearly your issue and your right, it will kill your relationship over time.

    I also suggest that you try some counselling. You need to find out why you feel this way and how to get past it. You have to love yourself and be confident enough in yourself not to let another woman, naked or not, make you feel badly. Your boyfriend can't do this for you.

    Put the shoe on the other foot. Wouldn't you start to feel insecure about your relationship and feel like your boyfriend didn't trust you if he was like this every time a hot guy without a shirt came on the tv or walked by? It gets old really quickly.

    I really feel for you and other women who feel this way. It's sad that a woman can't feel good about herself because of television and the media pushing these size 2 big breasted half naked women everywhere. It's like if you don't fit the mold you are not good enough. You have to learn to love yourself the way you are not feel threatened by an image of another woman. Most of the time they do not look like that. We can all look like a supermodel with the right makeup and a little airbrushing! But that's not reality.

    Your boyfriend is with you for a reason. Don't forget that!

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 10:40 AM   #4
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    Re: paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

    I'm not sure how old you are. But I know when I was younger I would get bothered at times by this. However, it's a way of life. It's everywhere. Women are exploited every single day. Yes, a lot of these women pose for pictures and put themselves out their for public consumption. I wish it would end..but I'm afraid women will always be more naked in movies and magazines then men. That's because men are visual creatures. But you have to remember..those are just images. You're the real thing and men get attached emotionally to the real thing. Men will always look at naked women. They will always fantasize about having sex with other women. That will never end. So, you just have to learn to let some of it go and know a man would rather be with you...have feelings for you than some image he sees on a movie screen or magazine. Men walk down the street and notice beautiful women. It's sad to say but it's just the way it is. If you can accpet that and know that your man loves YOU and not some image. You'll feel better. But yes, he will lust after images from time to time. They all do.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 10:43 AM   #5
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    Re: paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

    I think the key is to educate young women enough so they WON'T pose for pornographic pictures. That's where it has to start. A lot of these yong women don't have enough self esteem to say NO..and they only find their value at being sex objects. As long as they allow themselves to be treated that way..we will have pornography..endless. And it's so easy to access today. Not like before. That is a shame.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 10:45 AM   #6
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    Re: paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

    I can relate to you a lot, expect when I first started going out with my boyfriend he was the one who was making comments about the women and I was the one who never noticed them and now it's the other way around. Mind you...they were not only women on tv...
    Now when I go out, even when he's not around I compare myself to other women or I think "I bet he'd like her".

    I def. think that it has to do with something that has happened earlier on in your life, maybe another boyfriend or something. Also it has to do alot with how you see yourself, I know that I wasn't insecure before but now I am because I have gained about 40 or 50 pounds within the last 3 yrs .
    The insecurity, and the jealousy you have towards other girls when you see them is a reflection of self esteem and body issues you have. I think maybe you need to take a better look at yourself and see what it is that you dislike. Try to work on your self esteem more and do things that will make you feel better about yourself.
    I do think though, that your situation is better than mine, he isn't the one comparing you but you are. You have to remember that and try not to compare yourself. If he didn't want you he wouldn't be with you.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 10:56 AM   #7
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    Re: paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

    And also this issue really has nothing to do with him and I feel like arguing with him isn't necessary. I also find that whenever you dwell on an issue with someone, although you think you might be solving one you might be creating one instead. Maybe you're pushing him away by questioning him and it might have the opposite effect, he might actually start comparing you to someone else. Like for instance I had a friend who was always questioning her husband on whether or not he cheated and eventually he actually started to cheat due to the fact that she mistrusted him.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 05:27 PM   #8
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    Re: paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

    I'm sure you already know this but insecurity isn't attractive. Believe me I've been there with the insecurity. I was so paranoid about my boyfriends thinking I was fat...and in retrospect I wish I hadn't been. Men will look but it doesn't necessarily mean the images stay with them, or they want these images. He wants YOU. He's chosen to be with YOU. You need to accept that and realise that there are obviously lots of attractive features about you, which are the reason he's with you. But paranoia isn't one of them. Stop talking about it. Stop asking. Because he won't leave you because you don't look (or don't THINK you look) as good as women on TV, he'll leave you because he's tired of the insecurity. Even the title of your post ... self loathing. That's so strong. You need to get some counselling.

    Don't let those horrible boyfriends of your past, who ruined your self confidence by putting you on diets (how dare they!!! I had a boyfriend like that once, he used to ring me up and ask me if I'd done my aerobics. Now I'd like to kill him!) ruin the good relationship you've got now. STOP ASKING. Instead, say something funny to him, kiss him, distract him with charm, not insecurity.

     
    Old 04-06-2008, 04:11 PM   #9
    Ellecram
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    Re: paranoia/self loathing over naked/half naked women?

    I actually had something of this nature bring a very close relationship to a bitter end. But I did not know strongly I felt about it until I was in a relationship. I am hoping I get a chance to work on it if I ever have a relationship again.
    You might need to attack this on a number of fronts - maybe therapy and talking it over with a close friend - just try not to bring it up to him too often or it will start it turn sour. But don't let it fester either. Try to achieve a balance!

    Good luck.

     
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