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  • Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

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    Old 04-03-2008, 02:13 PM   #1
    26ninja
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    Red face Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    Hi. I am very new to this and it is my first post. I'm not quite sure where to start. I have been married for over 7 years and have been with my husband for over 12 years. I would say our relationship has been a very up and down one. When it's good, it's brilliant! However, when it's bad, it goes to breaking point! My husband has never held down a job for longer than 5 years. That one was his best ever achievment in his THEN career. He was flying...to the point where his gambling went out of control too. Eventually too far and it all came crashing down when he just quit!!! No one could understand why! He just said i can do better than this and thought he could own this big corporation and be on the board...Could not make heads or tails of it. Anyway, he found another job, but it did'nt pay as much...he soon left there. Since then he has left another 4 jobs and because his cv is so chequered, he has almost become unemployable in the field of work he was in. We have 3 young children and at times it has been hell. When he goes into one (as i call it) He is capable of anything. He becomes verbually abusive when i try to talk to him to ask what is wrong and eventually it get's to a point where we do not talk and he becomes withdrawn and completely shuts me out. I have noticed a reoccuring pattern. When he thinks he becomes invicible and ecstacily happy for no reason he makes me and the children feel ontop of the world, can't ask for a better husband or a dad. However, when he starts to become down and withdrawn because something makes him realise where he is in his life...no job...no future...regrets, he becomes angry and verbally abusive to me. He gets short tempered with the children and seems he can't be around any one of us and then says everything is my fault and pushes our arguements to a point where i can take no more and ask him to leave...Guess what he does leave! Then of course, regrets kick in and like a fool i take him back. He is a very all or nothing person with extreme highs and lows in mood and makes really poor decions towards his own future, let alone ours. These decions that he makes are done on impulse and there is also feelings of worthlessness. I, of course am the reason why he is like this!!!!! Can anyone shed some light as to could it be bipolar?

     
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    Old 04-04-2008, 05:47 AM   #2
    happymom28
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    Re: Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    My brother is bipolar and he goes through very extreme highs and lows, much like you have described.

    I think the only way you are going to break this cycle is to let him go. He needs to realize that he has a problem and needs help. You can't keep going on this emotional roller coaster with him and it's so unfair to have the children on as unwilling participants. You need to make a stable life for your kids. Your husband is a grown man. You can't be responsible for him, only he can do it. Your responsibility lies with you and the children.

    Maybe splitting and not taking him back will open his eyes. Maybe it won't. But the one thing that is clear is that nobody should have to live the way you and your children are. They see everything that is going on and it's not healthy. Please know that you are not responsible for his behavior. It is always easier to blame someone else then to take responsibility for your own disgusting behavior. You and your children deserve better, and only you can make that happen.

     
    Old 04-04-2008, 07:05 AM   #3
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    Re: Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    I started reading your post and didn't even have to read it all.....I skimmed the rest of it. I'd bet money that he's bi-polar, he sounds like my ex-husband. If he's not willing to get help for it, and take medication your relationship doesn't stand a chance.
    Sorry, but that's why he does what he does........he's bi-polar.......
    nothing you can do will change his behavior......you can't be a better wife, etc.....it doesn't matter......he's bi-polar and he will continue to do this.

     
    Old 04-04-2008, 01:05 PM   #4
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    Re: Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    I would say that he is bipolar. But I want to let you know, even if he does go on meds, they will only lower the extremes of the highs and lows, not take them away altogether. I am on meds for bipolar II with anxiety and my meds keep me stable for longer than I ever was without them, but I have still had major depressive episodes with suicidal thoughts. If the disorder affects him to the point where he cannot handle a steady job he can look into receiving disabilty benefits. I truly hope he gets help. One of the only things that keeps me hanging on when I am low is knowing my husband and children need me. If for no other reason than that he needs to try to get better, for his family.

     
    Old 04-04-2008, 03:55 PM   #5
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    Re: Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    Yes, he seems to have problems with his emotions.

    You live in the UK, so I strongly recommend you go and talk to your family GP about this. Voice your concern. See what the GP says and what he/she suggests you do.

    Also, I strongly recommend counselling for yourself, and couple counselling for you and your husband. Again, you can ask your GP for help on this.

    I strongly recommend you do this. I think it will really help.

     
    Old 04-04-2008, 07:12 PM   #6
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    Re: Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    wow...I have never seen a better description of someone who is Bi-Polar.
    He needs help and he needs it soon. For the good of your children, you have to contact your GP and get your husband help. If he won't take it, you need to leave because this WILL NOT GO AWAY ON ITS OWN.

     
    Old 04-05-2008, 02:02 AM   #7
    26ninja
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    Re: Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    Thank you for your reponse. I think i know where my next steps lie. I am doing well this week as i have not had any contact with him YET!!! Firstly, i need to look after myself and my children and create a happy environment for them and me. Then as i become stronger, i have to go and have a chat with the doctor. My main concern is that our doctors are not very good as appointments have to be kept to 5 Mins and they are all pretty much write a prescription for everything. That's if you are able to get hold of a doctor and not get a nurse.

     
    Old 04-05-2008, 07:18 AM   #8
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    Re: Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    I know the problem with the state of the NHS all too well.
    But you are entitled to an appointment with a doctor to discuss your concerns. Call your surgery and book an appointment. If you're not happy with the consultation, then go to another doctor. It is as simple as that.

    It may help to write down a few points, or reminder notes, to take with you to help you voice your concern to the doctor.

     
    Old 04-05-2008, 08:11 AM   #9
    gorgee
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    Re: Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    26ninja, I read your first post, and it all sounds so familiar. Why do you feel like you are the reason he is like this? I have been through the up and downs of a marriage, that was verbally abusive, gambling was involved, tons of debt, and it was extremely good, or very, very bad. I also know what it feels like to be ignored, and it is very frustrating, and I could go on and on.

    It all, above, has made me literally sick. I have chronic pain, and migrianes. I have bad tmj from grinding in my sleep, and clenching during the day from the stress and anxiety. I also now have fibromyalgia and myofascial pain syndrome. All this came on since last September. I have always had migraines, and mild tmj for stress, but in September it all blew up, and I was in a ton of pain. My marriage was going so fast downhill, and my health went down to. My husband did not know how to help me, and he kept golfing, going to the casino, and hanging out with this buddies. I had to hire a babysitter to help me and wear the boys out, so they would go to bed earlier, and I could rest. I never knew what our checking account would look like when I got up due to gambling, and I grew to be scared to look at it online.

    Thank the dear lord, my marriage is now better than ever, and I am praying that it stays. My husband has changed for the better, and there are still some highs and lows, but not like the roller coaster it was. My husband has recommited to the lord, and is now a born again christian. He stopped swearing, drinking and gambling. One thing that happened was that he read through here and a journal I had hidden in the laundry area. He read word for word what was happening to our family, and what he had put us all through. He woke me up at 2 am and apologized, said it would get better, that it would never happen again, and asked if he could burn the pages of the journal.

    I was this close to going to the attorney, and had called them to say start the paperwork. My marriage was at rock bottom, and all my fears were coming true. We had 2 small boys, ages 2 and 4, I have not worked in 5 years, I know divorce was not right with the lord but my marriage was hurting me, and now I was chronically sick with pain and exhaustion. It was so bad and I was willing to battle (as it would be) it all. I am sure I can not even work now due to my illnesses. I am 31, and I can not stand on my feet longer than an hour. How was I going to support myself, and manage things? I also truely in my heart with all I have, I loved my husband. I was heart broken.

    I guess what I am saying is are you at rock bottom? We had to hit it to see it, and start over. Do you want to do start over, one way or the other? I feel for you, and I hope it gets better for you. I hope your husband sees what he is doing to you and the children.

    I have not read the other posts, but I just read your first one and I wanted to respond, because I know what you are going through. You have to decide at what point do you say to yourself I am done, I cannot do this anymore.

    Do you have help? I hope you have support from family and friends. I love coming here and you can get some of the best support. You need to take care of yourself, if you don't you will not be able to take care of your children.

    Good luck, and keep posting. It really helps to get it all out.

    Kass

     
    Old 04-05-2008, 09:00 AM   #10
    26ninja
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    Re: Desperate to know the reason why my husband keeps leaving

    Does your husband have bipolar?

     
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