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  • BF won't stay over or barely come over!

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    Old 04-06-2008, 11:09 AM   #1
    bubblybrit
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    BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    Hi, I am at at a loss.. I have a bf who I have been seeing for 8 months.. I am 34 he is 37. I have kids, 2 that I have joint custody of so go with their dad 1 week and then with me for 1 week and then I have 2 teenagers but they never seem to be home. So for having 4 kids, my house is fairly quiet.

    My issue is, I always stay over at my bf's (when the little ones are with their dad, and the older ones are staying at a friends) but he has only stayed over here 1 night out of 8 months!!! He rarely comes over, but is totally in to me cause he calls and emails all the time.

    We have discussed moving in together( him move in here) he has a small apt and I have a large 5 bdrm house. Last night I cooked a really great meal and had him and some friends over that live in the same building as him. The friends were going to take a cab home as I thought he was going to stay over... but he didn't again, he said he had things to do around his place... well they left at 11pm!! what the hell do you start doing at that time.

    So I think tomyself, maybe he is scared of comitement, who knows.. I am so confused with this whole situation that I am ready to throw in the towel. I love him to bits and I know he loves me and we have a great time together but he makes no effort!!!

     
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    Old 04-06-2008, 11:27 AM   #2
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    Oh goodness don't throw in the towel just yet, especially if all other aspects of the relationship are on beam. Good men are HARD to find!! Believe me!!!

    Why don't you just ask him? "I've noticed that you never stay over at my place. Do you have a problem with my place or staying over? I feel that maybe your not staying over at my place is your way of holding yourself apart, maybe keeping from commiting fully, etc." It could be somethign as simple as he's just used to his own place and his routine and has no idea at all how his keeping to his own place is making you feel. He's not a mind reader and can't know how you really feel unless you tell him. Good luck.

     
    Old 04-06-2008, 11:32 AM   #3
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    Does he get along with your kids well and invest time into them? Maybe he's not as hesitant about commitment as he is about trying to be a new father to four children. You also say you have discussed moving in together: has it been a mutual discussion from both sides or was it more you nagging him about it? How does he react when you discuss moving into your house?

    I think you just need to sit down and have one, long discussion to deal with all of these issues at hand. If he doesn't want to commit to you and your family then there is no need for you to waste your time in this relationship. Better to find out at 8 months that he is hesitant and dragging his feet than to waste anymore time.

    He probably feels like you guys have more privacy and alone time at his apartment than at your house, even though you say the kids are rarely there. Having "things to do around the house" at 11 pm is kind of a lame excuse to not stay over, I must admit. Talk to him and ask him why he feels uncomfortable staying around your house.

     
    Old 04-06-2008, 11:57 AM   #4
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    It could be as simple as him not feeling right about "sleeping over" your house given that your children live there. Maybe he feels it's disrespectful or something. Or, like CyberNick said, it could be the lack of privacy you are able to share in your home. Who knows?

    We could speculate all day, but the only way you will know for sure is to just come out and ask him. I'm sure there is a logical explanation. Besides, if you are going to live together then you better be able to discuss these things, right?

    I remember when I started dating after my divorce that one guy in particular was VERY uncomfortable coming into my home. I mean, I never went out with him unless my daugher was with her father or grandmother so it's not like she was home. He just didn't feel right about being there because of my daughter, and I respected him for his honesty.

     
    Old 04-06-2008, 12:03 PM   #5
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    Have you not asked him already? You've been dating for 8 months?

    If you haven't ask him, then ask! I'm surprised this hasn't been brought up before.

     
    Old 04-06-2008, 12:19 PM   #6
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cadburyschick View Post
    Have you not asked him already? You've been dating for 8 months?

    If you haven't ask him, then ask! I'm surprised this hasn't been brought up before.

    Thanks for all the responses I will answer the questions here.. I have asked previously and he had said that he doesn't know why. We have a good communication but I think he has been burned before and is worried he will get to serious and then get burnt again. The discussion about moving in has been mutual, as he wants to get out of his place and make a few changes in his life. I just get so frustrated that I always have to make the effort to seehim. He asks me to do things, but it always revolves around his area of town. So I talked with him this morning and he said he just crashed when he got home last night... I thought he had things to do??? Then he acts like nothing is wrong.

    As for getting along with my kids, he is really great with them I don't involve him to much with them as I am taking the transition slowly and when/if we decide to have him move in, then I will set out a timeline so the kids can get used to having him around. My thoughts are, if you wanna move in and talk about it... don't you think you need to spend some time over here?? If you don't then why bother moving in?

    I do love him.. but can see this going back and forth for ever and I want to spend more time in my own home... and build it up.

     
    Old 04-06-2008, 12:27 PM   #7
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    I can understand your frustration!

    Thing is, like the other night, it was late and he could have easily just stayed around and left in the morning. It isn't a big deal, is it? I don't know. May be it is to him.

    You talk about him moving in. But if he can't stay the night, do you expect he will suddenly move in one day?

    I'm confused on this. Sorry, I don't feel like I am being very helpful.

    I would say, talk to him again. I know you have already spoken about this, but bring it up again.
    Tell him how it makes you feel. Voice your concerns.

    May be other posters will be able to offer more constructive advice?

    Last edited by cadburyschick; 04-06-2008 at 12:27 PM.

     
    Old 04-06-2008, 11:04 PM   #8
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    It sounds as if everything else in your relationship is just peachy so I don't think you should give up just yet! I think you need to be honest with this guy and tell him that you don't understand why he won't stay over your place. Be like, dude, why do you leave so early when the night is young and we can have some fun? He can't be uncomfortable at your place if you guys are talking about him moving in. He must have reasons and you need to find out! I know I looove sleeping in my own bed, but he has you and that should be enough to want to stay over. I don't get it...
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    Old 04-07-2008, 05:53 AM   #9
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bubblybrit View Post
    My thoughts are, if you wanna move in and talk about it... don't you think you need to spend some time over here?? If you don't then why bother moving in?
    This is what you should be focusing on. If he seriously wants to move in then there needs to be some real effort made by him to be there. I would find a nice way of saying this to him and see if you can get the conversation to go in a good direction.

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 08:03 AM   #10
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    he's not that invested in the relationship......he only participates when it's convenient for him

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 09:00 AM   #11
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    what do you do when you stay over at his place? Do you go back home early in the a.m.? What about the rest of the day?????

    How far away does he live from you? Also.......has this been a straight through 8 mos. relationship? He involve you with his family? Mom, sister's brothers, kids of his own? All his friends know you? These are important questions? How often do you see him? Do you work together?

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 06:36 PM   #12
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    Don't throw in the towel. Guys usually just like to be in their home...maybe if you just bring it up to him, he'll come over to your house more often. He probably doesn't even think it's an issue. Talk to him first before you come to ANY conclusions.

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 08:10 AM   #13
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    I don't think it is that he likes to be at his home? I think he just wants to do what he wants to do when he is ready to do it. That iss how most men are and us women are afraid to open our mouths for fear of losing them.

    I think you should be upfront and if he doesn't like it or doesn't want to be around....cut him loose.

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 05:40 PM   #14
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    Re: BF won't stay over or barely come over!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dma11663 View Post
    I don't think it is that he likes to be at his home? I think he just wants to do what he wants to do when he is ready to do it. That iss how most men are and us women are afraid to open our mouths for fear of losing them.

    I think you should be upfront and if he doesn't like it or doesn't want to be around....cut him loose.
    I agree with this post. Good post!

    I can't stress enough how much you need to express your feelings to him before jumping to any conclusions about his feelings.

     
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