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    Old 04-08-2008, 10:40 AM   #1
    sandy0224
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    So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    We live together and have for over 3 years now. We have a house, 3 dogs, 5 cats (one dying) and my kids. I have 3, one is in college, the other two are 15 and 13 and spend 3 nights a week with their Dad. Sounds like a nice setup if you don't mind the petting zoo!

    Anyway, I have a lot of physical problems and when we met I was this sexy, 115 lb waif who worked a great job in healthcare, made my own way, etc. Now I'm sick and on SSDI and home all day, some days in pain so bad I don't get off the couch. Other days I fight the pain and clean, etc, and I pay for it later with MORE pain.

    With that background said, he sometimes treats me like garbage. It's words, mostly. Like last night, I was actually cleaning out old VHS tapes and old music cassettes. I asked him if he listened to a particular cassette and he said no...so I asked if I could throw it out. He said no, so I asked why not? Seemed logical if he doesn't listen to it!! He yelled at me, "BECAUSE I SAID SO"....I sit here every day waiting to see what kind of mood he's going to come home in. Most days he's fine, but I never really know if he's going to be snappy.

    The other day he called, asked what was for dinner, and like a child he told me he didn't like THAT! I yelled at him and told him what I thought and told him he could make himself a grilled cheese if he didn't eat what I cooked! He hung up on me. That set the tone for the day. I made what I was planning on making and he ate it, with GUSTO and told me he actually liked it. I was internally pleased and thinking what a JERK he was.

    Like I said, I never know how he is going to come home and I despise him for making me wonder, all day long what is in store for us when he gets here. Is he going to scream at the dogs or lovingly pet them, is he going to snap at us or is he going to be sweet? Is he going straight to his x box and ignore the rest of us or is he going to be an {removed} and put a strain on all of us?

    Sometimes I feel so guilty because I live in chronic pain...but I DIDN'T plan on becoming sick...I didn't do this on purpose, and I can't help it! So it seems like if this is part of the reason he's 'ill' several days a week then he needs to get a grip because *I* didn't do it. I do all I can until my body gives out.

    I know this is a long vent, but I am tired of living like this. I live on SSDI and even if I left I have nowhere to go. There are days that I feel that we just aren't wanted here, period....like he'd just like us to pick up and move. What would I do, go live with the ex? LOL!! The kids would be ok, they could stay at the ex's and are old enough they could care for themselves, me, I could stay in a homeless shelter.

    I just don't know what to do. I HATE being so dependent on a man. I was NEVER this way before. I got a degree, I got a great job, loved what I did and who I was, then sickness hit me and I became dependent on a man that is Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!

    I don't know how to deal with this. I've talked to him and he always apologizes and things are good for a month or so, he comes home kind and sweet, calls me 3 or 4 times a day to check on me (or check UP on me, see if I'm sleeping or cleaning!).

    With this ramble can anyone offer advice?
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    I'm on SSDI with 3 kids, a great man, and several dogs and cats. I have a myriad of pain causing medical problems.

    Last edited by Moderator BAC; 04-09-2008 at 06:16 AM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

     
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    Old 04-08-2008, 03:03 PM   #2
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    I just don't know what to do. I HATE being so dependent on a man. I was NEVER this way before. I got a degree, I got a great job, loved what I did and who I was, then sickness hit me and I became dependent on a man that is Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!

    I don't know how to deal with this. I've talked to him and he always apologizes and things are good for a month or so, he comes home kind and sweet, calls me 3 or 4 times a day to check on me (or check UP on me, see if I'm sleeping or cleaning!).

    With this ramble can anyone offer advice?[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry you're experiencing physical problems a the moment. You'd expect your loving spouse to be hepful at a time like this. I too was married to Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.................for 11 long years!! I understand how the snippy remarks wear you out, then the guilt, then, well - I lost the person I once was. Depression took over. How/why I made excuses for him for so long I'll never know. Always hopeful, I guess.

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 05:14 PM   #3
    sandy0224
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    He just did it again. There is almost nothing else that we fight about except the way he speaks to me. All I was doing was trying to drain the hot grease from a broiler pain and he yelled at me that I was doing it wrong. I screamed back for him to do it. Then he tells me if he doesnt talk to me this way I just don't get what he's saying. Well, screw what he's saying! I'm so sick of this. I do not deserve to be treated like a 12 year old. I'm a grown woman who has been cooking a LONG time (I'm 44) and I'm FAR from stupid.

    I just don't know what to do about this. Luckily my children are at their Dads tonight. He just ruined what I had hoped would be a nice, quiet night....all over the way I handled a broiler pan. If it's not that it's something else I don't do right.

    I'm so sick of this....he's left me in tears again.
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    Old 04-08-2008, 05:17 PM   #4
    sandy0224
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by isitme View Post
    I just don't know what to do. I HATE being so dependent on a man. I was NEVER this way before. I got a degree, I got a great job, loved what I did and who I was, then sickness hit me and I became dependent on a man that is Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!

    I don't know how to deal with this. I've talked to him and he always apologizes and things are good for a month or so, he comes home kind and sweet, calls me 3 or 4 times a day to check on me (or check UP on me, see if I'm sleeping or cleaning!).

    With this ramble can anyone offer advice?
    I'm sorry you're experiencing physical problems a the moment. You'd expect your loving spouse to be hepful at a time like this. I too was married to Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.................for 11 long years!! I understand how the snippy remarks wear you out, then the guilt, then, well - I lost the person I once was. Depression took over. How/why I made excuses for him for so long I'll never know. Always hopeful, I guess. [/QUOTE]



    I have chronic illnesses that do not go away...and I have to live on pain medications to get through the day. I wonder sometimes if that bugs him, that I'm home on SSDI. I have lost the person I once was as well. He acts like I'm just plain stupid sometimes and it really hurts. I just don't know what to do about it. I tell him how it hurts me, and he justifies it by telling me that I was doing something wrong or how I could have done something better, etc. He says he has to speak like that or I don't get it....I'm not some mousy woman that hides and only speaks when spoken to, but I am just stuck here. I don't know how to get through to him that I WILL NOT allow him to talk to me like that or treat me like that anymore. It doesn't do a thing to tell him, he just does it again another day.

    __________________
    I'm on SSDI with 3 kids, a great man, and several dogs and cats. I have a myriad of pain causing medical problems.

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 07:11 PM   #5
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    have you considered the possibility that he may be bi-polar?
    he sounds like my ex-husband who was unmedicated bi-polar

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 09:03 PM   #6
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    Hey Sandy: Was he like this before you got hit with chronic pain? I was just wondering, because you haven't said specifically. I can relate, as you know, to going from a career and a life, and then suddenly be sick, unable to work and on SSDI. I am fortunate, though, that my husband is the opposite of your fiance.

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know I already have enough of my own guilt. I can't imagine how bad it must feel to have the man who is supposed to love you, be this way. I know a lot of men have a huge aversion to therapy, but have you considered couples counseling? If so, how did he react?

    I guess it all comes down to what you really want out of life and your potential marriage. If the two of you are not on the same page, and you are really miserable, maybe it's time to start thinking about what your options are. I know being on SSDI doesn't give you much, but is there family who could help out, if the 2 of you split?

    I know, for me, the idea of spending my life with someone who has no idea how much I deal with everyday (the pain) would make me really reconsider the marriage. As we both know, we need all of the support we can get, especially at home. I don't envy you this decision. I just think you should give yourself permission to be happy and if that means having to get some help from other sources so that you can move on with your life in a way that is best for you, then you owe it to yourself to say "enough!"

    Take care and stay true to yourself. I come to this board every so often and you know I'll be here or on the other board to support you. God Bless, cmpgirl

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 09:53 PM   #7
    sandy0224
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    have you considered the possibility that he may be bi-polar?
    he sounds like my ex-husband who was unmedicated bi-polar

    Well, I spose he could be. Rapid cycler maybe? I mean there are days he brings me roses out of the blue, he would be so sweet, and it was always like he was making up for being such a jerk, then out of the blue again he will just snap at me over nothing. I don't know what sets it off, but sometimes I can hear it in his voice before it happens, like that little hint of irritation he's trying to hide.

    I don't know, but I'm up at 1 oclock am pondering this...I think I'll sleep on the couch because I really don't want to be near him at all tonight. At least it's comfy and the dogs don't snore!
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    Old 04-08-2008, 10:02 PM   #8
    sandy0224
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cmpgirl View Post
    Hey Sandy: Was he like this before you got hit with chronic pain? I was just wondering, because you haven't said specifically. I can relate, as you know, to going from a career and a life, and then suddenly be sick, unable to work and on SSDI. I am fortunate, though, that my husband is the opposite of your fiance.

    He's been right beside me through all the painful testing I've had done, several tests I've had under general anesthesia for my bladder, been to my pain mgmt appts with me, gone to my GP appts with me. He gets it, at least most of the time. Some days I do feel like when he calls and asks how I feel it really means, "are you on the couch?". He's never, ever said anything related to my illnesses, or my pain med usage. In fact he defends it to people who question it.

    It really just seems to be the way he is. He was like this before too, but he really does cycle, for lack of a better word. I would like to go to counseling. I went before we moved in together because of this very same thing.

    I guess the question in my head is this. The guy is 90% or so good to me, it's that 10% that really ruins ME, and invalidates ME and makes me feel like he thinks I am really incapable of the simplist tasks without his TELLING me the proper way to do it.

    I talked to him more tonight and he kept playing the martyr..."I just won't say ANYTHING anymore", stuff like that. I lost it then and told him he simply HAD to stop talking to me like that.

    I don't have family nearby, they're 4 hours away, my kids schools are here, their father is here. Their life is here and I can't be away from my kids. I have to have a part in raising them, they are truly my life, so it seems as if I want a roof over my head I have to deal with his occasional outbursts.

    I HATE BEING DEPENDENT ON A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't go to college and get a degree and great job to do this!
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    Old 04-09-2008, 07:04 AM   #9
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    All the other bs aside, is the 90% of the good worth the 10% of bad?

    I know you are not in the financial position you once were, but is financial comfort really worth living like this?

    I think you should seek some counselling. I wouldn't count on him going with you, at least right away. But I do believe you could use someone to talk to and help you to sort our your feelings.

     
    Old 04-09-2008, 07:11 AM   #10
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sandy0224 View Post
    same thing.

    I guess the question in my head is this. The guy is 90% or so good to me, it's that 10% that really ruins ME, and invalidates ME and makes me feel like he thinks I am really incapable of the simplist tasks without his TELLING me the proper way to do it.

    I talked to him more tonight and he kept playing the martyr..."I just won't say ANYTHING anymore", stuff like that. I lost it then and told him he simply HAD to stop talking to me like that.
    why are you settling? you've got an education and a great job. you don't NEED to put up with this nonsense.....are you afraid you can't get another man? If you marry him it will only get worse. you deserve a man who doesn't ruin you and invalidate you. have some self-respect......he doesn't have any respect for you.

     
    Old 04-09-2008, 10:25 AM   #11
    sandy0224
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    It's not that I can't get another man. I'm amazingly confident in who I am when I'm not being degraded or snapped at. What the problem is is that I may never be able to physically work again. The only money that comes in for me is about 1000.00 SSDI dollars. I have to have insurance because I have so many medical bills. I'm sick. I'm in pain, and I don't have the stamina some days to go to the grocery store. How in the world could I work the job I loved and did well at? I guess if push came to shove I could get a job sitting at a desk and be miserable, but even then I don't know if I could do it physically unless this workplace has a couch for me to go lay on several times a day.

    I'm not making excuses, just stating the way it is. I'm totally dependent on him and he knows it. I've threatened to leave before and just go find a battered woman's shelter or something, but that's not a long term answer.

    No doctor has ever given me hope to cure my bladder disease (Interstitial Cystitis) and it's PAINFUL to the point that I don't function. I also have fibro, thyroid issues, Crohn's disease and other stuff that causes pain.

    This is why I'm stuck. Before these diseases hit me I was working 3 12 hour night shifts in healthcare (can't say what I did I don't think) and was self supportive and got child support payments. I still get those but they aren't enough to live on.

    It may sound like an excuse, but I want my children near me. He rarely does this when they're here, thank God because if he did I would have left by now. I won't have my children seeing the way he talks to me. Once, a few weeks ago he blurted out something snotty and my 13 year old boy told him he sure could have spoken a little nicer to his mother! THATS WHAT I DON'T WANT....

    So, what DO I do? I know, go see a therapist, as I DO need someone to talk to or I wouldn't be venting on here. Otherwise I just feel stuck and it's that feeling of helplessness that really hurts me.

    Thanks for all the support.

    Sandy
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    Old 04-09-2008, 10:30 AM   #12
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    it's painfully obvious that you're settling.....
    you're settling because of your health issues......
    I wouldn't want to live my life like that, but if you don't mind, I guess it's ok.
    What answers are you looking for? You're obviously not happy because you posted that you're tired of the snippy remarks etc......but in the same breath you're saying that it's ok, you're going to tolerate it.
    what do YOU want?
    don't you think you deserve better?

     
    Old 04-09-2008, 10:34 AM   #13
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    When you put it that way I understand how you see it. I don't WANT to settle and it's NOT ok that he does this....but I don't know a way out financially and a way that I can live with my children. THIS is what throws me off. I guess I AM settling if it means I have my children. If I leave, by myself, to go stay at a shelter short or long term that means I dont live with my kids. What do I DO financially? Nobody has THAT answer for me. It's easy to sit there and tell me I'm settling and I spose in a way I am, but tell me HOW to get out of it. Thats where I'm stuck.

    My health issues are not an excuse, they rule my life. I don't want it that way but I have to be honest. I'm SICK and do not have the stamina, energy, etc that I used to have.

    So what DO I do? I would love NOT to settle if I knew how to get out of it.
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    Old 04-09-2008, 10:36 AM   #14
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    sandy do you have any family or friends that could give you a place to stay short term?

     
    Old 04-09-2008, 10:43 AM   #15
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    Re: So tired of snippy remarks from fiance! Please help!

    I agree with Rose, don't you have any family or close friend with whom you could stay? I think your first step needs to be to get out of this living situation. Who knows, maybe the stress of what he's putting you through is making your pain problem worse? Stress can exacerbate that stuff, you know? And if you got yourself into a healthier living situation, you might start to feel better, overall. Maybe not to the level you were at before you got sick, but at least better enough to where you may be able to handle at least a part time job or something.

    But honestly, until you get into a less stressful living situation, your problems will only get worse. So i think your first step needs to be to seek out a friend or family member to take you in for the time being. I don't think you should consider a shelter as your only choice. You must have someone else you can go to?

     
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