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Self-inflicted Pain (long, ridiculous, dithering, just plain sad)

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Old 04-26-2008, 12:13 PM   #1
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Self-inflicted Pain (long, ridiculous, dithering, just plain sad)

So the reason why I had the trust issues (ref: Relearning Trust thread) is because my ex-BF that I dated for two years dumped me rather unceremoniously after meeting someone on a dating site (short version). Even after he and I were exclusive he remained on a dating site albeit his status was looking for “friends only”. I had a hard time with the fact that he was on the site and, yeah, it ended up as I feared.

I’m currently dating someone who was also on the same site and who I had actually met there (I didn’t meet ex-BF there, I only joined about 3 months after our break-up). This person that I’m seeing now contacted me on the site – he is significantly younger than I am but very smart, funny and had a lot of the same interests as I had (which prompted him to contact me in the first place). Because I realized that this guy had a lot of women friends on the Internet, I have been very uncomfortable, fearing that he would do the same thing (the fear only after we had been dating for 4-5 months). We have almost been exclusive in the fact that we see each other a lot and he really didn’t have down time to date anyone else. Last weekend, I saw a post card from a girl that was flirty (just laying around his apartment) and I kind of freaked out. It just flooded back the memories of ex-BF. I didn’t talk to him about it until the next morning right before he was to leave for work. He decided that he would not go to work that day because, he said, of time constraints (he was running late). [I should note that just this week, after me being upset, he deleted his profile from the dating site. He doesn’t know that I know he is on another site and he has remained there.]

This current guy has a history of short-term employment (six months being the longest he has been employed anywhere). He had a rather cushy job that let him pretty much surf the Internet all day long and, for some reason, he ‘called in’ to this job often. There were maybe a total of 4 days since January that I asked for him to take time off (and he “put in” for those days – didn’t call in sick). But as I mentioned, he chronically called into his office (sick, car troubles, dental problems, etc.). The day after he stayed home with me because of my “freak out” he became aware that he was going to be “fired” or “forced to resign”.

Because this person has a history of manipulating me (yeah, I know, why am I with him? see end of “Stuck in the Middle” post), I was sure that at some point he would accuse me causing his job loss. And, yesterday, during an uncomfortable conversation on IM regarding me feeling neglected, he did in fact say so:

[15:13] HIM: you're the one who's been freaking out at me
[15:13] HIM: to the extent that I didn't go to work and ended up getting fired
[15:13] HIM: I mean, come on
[15:14] me: you had been missing a lot of work
[15:14] me: you can’t say that the one time is the time that did it
[15:14] HIM: Its not like I had been missing work to see you or anything
[15:15] me: ?
[15:15] HIM: ?
[15:15] me: you had all those sick days
[15:15] me: that wasn't to see me
[15:15] HIM: ok [my name]
[15:16] HIM: you had no part in it
[15:16] HIM: you're absolutely right
[15:16] me:
[15:16] me: I'm not trying to be right
[15:16] me: and me freaking out was because of the way I had been feeling neglected
[15:16] me: it just all compounded on the same day
[15:17] HIM: all I'm saying is that if you hadn't freaked out at me last week I would be sitting in my office right now
[15:17] HIM: and I haven't been neglecting you
[15:17] HIM: I see you like every other day

I know that it’s not my fault that he got fired, it just so happened that the day he decided to call in yet again was a day that I was over, had an uncomfortable conversation with him and he decided to stay home (even after we “kissed and made up” and I told him he *should* go to work).

He has said, too, that he is now about to be living out of his car, electric cut off, gas turned off, etc. because of this firing. He has learned that he will likely get unemployment but still is using his anxiety to guilt me.

I am in such a bad place right now in my life emotionally and yet I am still clinging to him. My sister doesn’t like him because she said he is too clingy to me. I have these weird emotions surrounding my relationship with him that has been either HOT or COLD. Lately, cold. The HOT periods are so much fun and wonderful that I keep clutching to those memories and wanting desperately to feel that kind of happiness. I know, I know, I know I should not be with this person. I feel like an addict though.

I know I’m not responsible for his firing, his “poor” status or any other things (since I have been paying for pretty much *everything* since we’ve been going out…he has bought me dinner once and I think a drink and a bucket of margarita mix…I have bought him dinners galore, taken him to shows, bought him groceries, paid for his electric bill when it got caught off last month, bought him gifts…). It’s a ridiculous scenario and I have so much anxiety I feel like my chest is going to explode. I feel close to tears every minute of the day. I let myself be used and manipulated all for those fleeting moments of happiness (and I know that it is because I am not over my ex).

I’m not sure why I’m writing this…I guess because I just feel like I’m at my wit’s end. I have a therapy appointment on Tuesday and I don’t think an hour will suffice. I wish there was some kind of electro-shop therapy to zap some sense into me. The problem is, I know intellectually that all of this is bad. But I am having a hard time reconciling my intellectual side and emotional side. I’m terrified of the void that my life will have when this guy is out of my life.

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Old 04-26-2008, 01:55 PM   #2
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Re: Self-inflicted Pain (long, ridiculous, dithering, just plain sad)

What would you tell a friend or a stranger who just wrote that?

He's no good for you and you know it. I personally don't think you were ready for a relationship to begin with due to your previous one. I think you need some time alone to realize what you want in a "partner".

He's clearly not a partner. I can already tell you he trying to get a way to move in with you, and you do NOT want him to do that!!! That's why he is blaming you for all his troubles. He's a big boy and needs to act like it.

I know you are clinging to him because you are affraid to be alone. But honestly, as lonely as it can get sometimes it will be the BEST thing you can do for yourself. You need to learn how to be happy alone. Nobody else is responsible for your happiness.

I'm glad you are going to an appointment Tuesday. Talk about this and your need to "help" or "save" everyone else (yes, I've read your other threads). You need to be alone for a while until you get past your issues.

Good luck!

Old 04-26-2008, 09:34 PM   #3
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Re: Self-inflicted Pain (long, ridiculous, dithering, just plain sad)

Ladies, be aware of any man who does not have a job or who cannot keep a job for any extended amount of time. Your MAYDAY radar should prompt you to run the other way and not give it an ounce of emotional connection.

Sounds like you are already at that point. In understand where you are coming from because we do tend to focus on the positive emotions that this person evokes in us and we tend to discard the negative.

Do you want that sense of belonging so much that you are ignoring the obvious? I have been there. It took me a long time to train my mind to see things the way it truely is and not how my mind wants it to be.

How did I do that? I stopped fantasizing about the day he would come around and how he would realize how devastating it would be to lose me and change his ways. I had to look at things the way they are now instead of how they could be because "could be" is all in our imagination.

I wish you well.

Old 04-26-2008, 11:38 PM   #4
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Re: Self-inflicted Pain (long, ridiculous, dithering, just plain sad)

I have a brother who is just like you. He focuses on only the "positive" moments in his relationships and pushes the rest to the back burner. Every one of his relationships, from his ex-wife to every girlfriend he has had since, is an emotional train wreck. And he is always going to "fix" them.

You can not "fix" someone else. You only have control over your life. Nobody else's. If you keep latching on to the same type of guy, over and over again, you will never be happy. It's time to take a relationship break. Keep seeing your therapist and take care of yourself. My brother was dating 2 weeks after he was out of the marital home. He wasn't even legally separated yet. (His wife was the one who asked for the divorce) She treated him horribly, robbed him blind, by hiding money over a 20 year period, was cheating on him for the last 5 years of the marriage and I could go on and on. And she blamed everything on him. And he sat there and accepted the blame!!

Stand up for yourself. You sound like an intelligent woman. You need to get your own house in order, so to speak, before you get involved with anyone else. If you don't, you will just keep choosing the same losers over and over.

I wish you the best. I hope you take the advice that everyone has given you.

Old 04-27-2008, 08:55 AM   #5
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Re: Self-inflicted Pain (long, ridiculous, dithering, just plain sad)

You have to ask yourself why you are terrified of losing someone so manipulative, immature and so unwilling to take responsibility for himself. That's your real problem.

You can plainly see this guy is bad news, will always be a loser and will always blame you for his losses as long as you're with him and that's no life. What's wrong with your self image, your self esteem, and how you feel about the life you've been able to build that you are willing to take that from anyone. Until you can get answers to these questions and readjust your thinking, you will be stuck in this terrible pattern of picking men that will treat you poorly and trying to talk them into being someone they are not. Do you feel that the really good men are out of your league? So you go for the neurotic basket cases and then try to fix them up? Therapy is a good idea. It can help you get at the root of these issues so you can stop making such poor choices when it comes to men.

Old 04-27-2008, 09:05 AM   #6
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Re: Self-inflicted Pain (long, ridiculous, dithering, just plain sad)

The other posters have said it so well that I really can't add anything else, I just want to say that I agree 100%. Get rid of this guy. You never should have gotten with him in the first place, you weren't and still aren't ready for another relationship. Like they said, take care of yourself and forget about him or any other man until you get yourself together emotionally. You don't need him, you need to learn to love yourself. Good luck and take care.

Old 04-28-2008, 07:35 AM   #7
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Re: Self-inflicted Pain (long, ridiculous, dithering, just plain sad)

cut him loose.....make this the first action of breaking your co-dependent pattern. Be independent.....get rid of the dead wood.....

Old 04-28-2008, 08:15 AM   #8
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Re: Self-inflicted Pain (long, ridiculous, dithering, just plain sad)

Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
.....get rid of the dead wood.....
I am picturing you saying those words as Anne Robinson from the BBC's "The Weakest Link" and I would never want to cross her.

I had an entire weekend free from him as a starting step. He did call me on several occasions and yesterday was trying to guilt me into coming over. I'm trying to be cool and cordial as I step-back because I fear that he may be one of those types of people who will overly-dramatize and try and escalate the situation (I should mention that he likes to start fights which has always been annoying since I do not invite or like conflict -- I stay cool as he whines and cries at me).

On Saturday, I had a friend take me on a 3-hour motorcycle ride and out to dinner. He's not a romantic interest but is actually trying to help me find a more suitable person to date. He could sense that I was on edge and needed an outlet for the evening. I think I may just make it after all but this is very tough for me. Thanks to everyone for "listening" and understanding that the reconciling of head versus heart is the biggest difficulty for me.

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