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having a do you know when you are ready?

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Old 05-15-2008, 06:17 PM   #1
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having a do you know when you are ready?

I'm 25 years old, married for 3 years. we are both out of college, own a home, and the wife just got a job offer.

With all of that out of the way, the next step really is to start a family. How do you know when is the right time to have a baby? I'm in this dellima right now, and I just dont know if I am ready yet. If you ask me if I like kids, I will say yes. If you ask me if I want to have kids sometimes, I would also say yes.

If you ask me what am I scared of, I would say I dont know. If you ask me why am i waiting or what I am waiting for, I would say I dont know either.

so basically, right now, I'm delaying having a baby, but I dont know what I'm delaying for. I just dont feel like "I want to have a baby."

one of my co-workers said that most guys are never ready to have a baby until it finally comes. Is this true for most guys? should I just 'do it?'

I really dont know how long to wait. I dont want to wait too long because I dont want to be too old when they graduate.

Anyone, guys(or girls) felt the same way? how do you know that it is time to have a child?

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Old 05-15-2008, 06:25 PM   #2
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Mary83 HB UserMary83 HB UserMary83 HB UserMary83 HB UserMary83 HB UserMary83 HB User
Re: having a do you know when you are ready?

I'm 25 as well, but not married. I can tell you right now that if I were married, I don't think I would be ready to have kids yet. And, I'm a nanny, so I obviously love kids. But, kids are a lot of work (I know just as well as any parent!), and you are still very young. 25 is still an age where you are kind of selfish and want time for yourself, I know I do! I say if you're not ready for kids yet and don't feel that "yearning" to have kids, maybe wait a while. Is there pressure from your wife to have kids already? If not, then wait a year or two (or more) until you feel you're really ready.

And, I think it is true that some men are never REALLY ready to have kids until it happens. I assume a lot of that comes from the lack of "maternal instinct". Women are typically ready way before men and usually by the time they are pregnant because they are the ones carrying the baby and feel that instant connection and bond with the baby before it's even born. Some men don't feel that for obvious reasons.

And btw- I don't think it's ever a good idea to do something just because it's "the next step". I understand where you're coming from with that, but that's really no reason to do something, especially if that's your ONLY reason...

Last edited by Mary83; 05-15-2008 at 06:27 PM. Reason: Added the last note

Old 05-16-2008, 12:30 AM   #3
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Re: having a do you know when you are ready?

How does your wife feel? Is she ready and putting pressure on you? I think that having a baby needs to start out with both spouses/SO's being on the same page. While I do tend to agree that men in general are usually more skittish about starting a family, sometimes women are just as nervous. They find it a little harder to admit they are not ready, because of society's pressures.

My advice would be to sit down with your wife and discuss what each of you feels about the idea. You really have to start there, no matter what your final decision. Kids are hard work. They absolutely change your life. But they are so worth it.

At 25, you still have time. I had mine in my early twenties and hubby and I are now getting ready to have our lives back to ourselves. We're not quite 50, so we still have a lot of living to do. (God willing) But that is what worked for us. Everyone is different, so it's really hard to advise someone to either have or not have children. It is a very personal choice, that needs to be discussed and agreed upon by a man and a woman.

Good luck, and sit down soon with your wife and get the conversation started. Communication is the basis for all good marriages.

Old 05-16-2008, 05:45 AM   #4
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Re: having a do you know when you are ready?

I think the most important thing about the "baby debate" is whether or not you and your wife are on the same page. It's true that some people are never truly ready to have children until it just happens, but that doesn't mean that you should just do it because it's the "next step".

Talk to your wife about your feelings and see where she stands. You have time to wait if you want to spend some time as a couple first. I had mine at 23 and 28 and I am now 30. I feel I was much more "prepared" when I was 28, but I don't know if that was because of age, experience, or a better partner.

Remember, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks but you and your wife.

Old 05-16-2008, 06:11 AM   #5
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Re: having a do you know when you are ready?

I think you also need to consider, are there things that you and your wife have wanted to do as a couple, that you haven't had the opportunity to yet? To me, before you have kids, you might want to satisfy those things that you may not have time for with a baby. Have you always wanted to go on a particular vacation, buy a hot tub, take up golfing, things like that. Those things will probably go on the back burner when you have a baby, and could likely stay there until your kids are grown. Are there things you still want to do beforehand? How does your wife feel about just starting a new job, and having a baby? Are you the type who works long hours and wants to be able to put in 12-hour days at work for awhile longer, something that is surely not going to be best for your family?

Old 05-16-2008, 02:45 PM   #6
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Re: having a do you know when you are ready?

thanks for all the replies.

we have been discussing and my wife is definitely ready to have a baby. she has made it fairly clear that she wants to start trying as soon as possible.

I'm the one thats still debating with myself.

Old 05-16-2008, 04:56 PM   #7
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Re: having a do you know when you are ready?

I don't think anyone should have a child until they are ready to be 100% unselfish. A child changes everything and you will never completely understand what that means until you have one...

Last edited by Chase2000; 05-16-2008 at 04:57 PM.

Old 05-19-2008, 10:12 AM   #8
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Re: having a do you know when you are ready?

I haven't read any replies...

You cannot be a parent, until you are prepared to be 100% UNSELFISH...I'm not yelling that...LOL...however, you need to know that from the first day forever come SECOND. The children come first, always.

I am a parent of 2, one is not my husbands, however he has raised her as his own. She will be 18 in less than a year, and our son will be 9 in a few months.

We waited to have our son, not knowing if we wanted a second child, however after his fathers unexpected death, we decided it was something we did want to do.

We've been together 16 years and married 13, it works for us...we have the house, cars, etc....but you need to also know that LIFE DOES NOT STOP either.

We are young, we're 34. My DH's dream was a motorcycle (harley of course). We bought a used one 2 years ago, last year a brand new one.

I'm GLAD we had our kids relatively young...I hear so many people who say "when we're ready" whether that is financially, etc....with us though our kids will be all grown up and we'll still be in our 40's with the rest of our lives ahead of us, to do what we want to do :-) AND...a bonus will be the ability to someday enjoy our grandchildren, at a younger age!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is it's about BALANCE. We've taken vacations without the kids (most recently 2 weeks ago to the Bahamas with friends for a week). We still go out to dinner together...time alone is almost none, but we make the best of it when we have it....and truly enjoy being parents, going to sports, taking them places, showing them our world, hiking, you name it...

Good luck to what ever it is you choose to do!

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