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  • Trust Issues from previous relationship affecting my marriage.

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    Old 05-26-2008, 08:45 PM   #1
    worrier23
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    Trust Issues from previous relationship affecting my marriage.

    Hello everyone!

    I've never really wanted to admit to this, but I guess I can't help it anymore..I have serious trust issues that I don't even understand myself.

    I guess it would be important to explain what may be causing my current problems. I dated this guy before who was so bad for me but I never wanted to let go at the time. He never called when he said he would, he always flirted with other girls in front of me, always hung out with other girls without me, always had tons of girls calling him when I was with him and, finally, cheated on me.
    I always just let it go and didn't say anything until the cheating happened. After that I knew it was time to get out of the relationship and ended it. We remained friends for a while after and even had feelings for each other long after breaking up, but still the same patterns remained..with all the other girls. After like a year, I cut him out of my life completely after realizing that I had NO feelings for him.

    Now I am in the best relationship that I could ever ask for- and have been married to this man for a little under a year and it's been great, for the most part. The only problem with our marriage is MY trust issues. My husband has NEVER given me any reason to ever not trust him, but still I can't fully.
    Our relationship isn't totally normal since he is in the military and is currently on deployment. Before he left we were always together and did most everything together. Basically the only time we were apart was when I was at school (college) and he was at work.
    He left for deployment in April and will be gone eight. I never really knew that I had these issues until they pulled into a port and I realized that he would be doing new things without me. It really bothered me! And I didn't know why. I just kept thinking that he would go out to like some club and meet all of these girls. I'm guessing that comes from thinking he'll just do the same thing that my ex did.

    Whenever I think long and hard about it, I know he would never cheat on me. He is the most caring and loving person I have ever met! But whenever he goes into the ports, I just have the same fears all over again. I know it really hurts him that I can't trust him fully. If I could fully trust him then I wouldn't have to worry so much initially.
    All he ever really does in the ports is goes out and gets a little drunk with his friends and then calls me. I just don't know what it is that makes me think these things!

    I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist or someone to help me get over this. I know that people always say that trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and of course I would never imagine being without him! I know that I can trust him because after I think a long time it gets me calmed down about everything- but I just hitting that panic button always at first. Maybe I have a panic disorder or something.

    Can anyone relate or help me decide whether to get professional help? I've always hated the idea of going to a shrink..But I would do anything to get rid of this feeling and the pain it causes my husband. I'm supposed to see him in less than two weeks in one of the ports and I'm just hoping that this helps reassure me about everything, which I know it will, but I just feel like I shouldn't have to be reassured- I should be able to know that I can always trust him.

    Sorry to vent so much! Any help would be greatly appreciated!

     
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    Old 05-27-2008, 12:12 AM   #2
    elatedgiraffe
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    Re: Trust Issues from previous relationship affecting my marriage.

    Trust, yes thats a tough one for me as well. I have always had trust issues and then an unfaithful boyfriend didn't help. I also think I have seperation anxiety issues due to guys leaving me and not coming back...point is, I have read that trust has nothing to do with the other person. For instance; its not weather you trust him its weather you trust yourself to be able to handle to worst case scenario. I am working on this as well as rebuilding trust is a huge issue in my current relationship. I know how the mind gets racing and also wonder if therapy may help. I see therapy for trust issues is also worth a shot. You love this man, you want to work on these issues and you need to build up your self confidence and assurance so you can fully understand that trust is about you, not him. I think you should give it a shot. It can't hurt and it may very well improve your marriage, stop your racing/panic thoughts and put you at ease. Good luck.

     
    Old 05-29-2008, 04:37 PM   #3
    luckydarlin
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    Re: Trust Issues from previous relationship affecting my marriage.

    It's really difficult to forget everything that you went through with the previous guy - the problem is, once you're with someone who is not trustworthy, you gain this learned behavior of becoming suspicious of their every move. Once you ditch that guy, you unfortunately have all that lousy learned behavior and your confidence is shot as well - very difficult to forget all that or change all that...but you definitely can.

    I dated a guy years ago and learned all the "suspicious" behavior too - I then met my husband...he began dating me and my crazy suspicions. He would hang out with his friends on certain nights and I would be convinced he was with another woman because that's what happened with the other guy - he couldn't tell me enough that he wasn't doing anything wrong, but it's funny that when you're use to thinking that way, you can make even the most innocent scenario seem suspicious - like you mention about your husband at ports. I didn't go to therapy, and I'm sorry, I don't have advice as to whether or not you should - but I just wanted to tell you that you can change the behavior you've learned. The previous poster was 100% right - it's a confidence issue, and once you get your confidence back, you'll be ok. Once I realized that I was with a great guy who was not going to hurt me, I turned a corner and lost every ounce of baggage I had from before and learned how nice it is to trust someone.

    I wish you the best of luck as you get there - remember that your husband is not the guy that hurt you and you don't want to make him crazy by being insecure. Be confident in the knowledge that you both have a great thing and neither of you would ever want to lose it. ...but be patient, it takes a little time.

    Good luck to you!

     
    Old 05-30-2008, 05:07 AM   #4
    pendulum
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    Re: Trust Issues from previous relationship affecting my marriage.

    You may want to go to therapy, but I am not sure... I think you could do a few things yourself first and see if it works rather than spend your money (and time) on therapy that might take a long time to work, if it ever will.

    I am not really against therapy, but I am afraid it can easily become a rather too intellectual process and make you dependent on the therapist. Anyway, it is up to you.

    In any case, with or without therapy, it's important for you to realize that we all have trust or confidence issues: you are not alone here. To a large extent, life is unpredictable, people are unpredictable, so it is no wonder we become insecure about them. Maybe even your husband has trust issues himself, but because he is a man, he won't easily admit (to?) them. See, it could be said that you have a point over him, because you can admit (to?) your "weakness", whereas he doesn't. Well, what do I know?

    Secondly, allow these thoughts to come and go through your mind, but remember that they are simply ... thoughts. Whenever they become obsessive, find something to do. In this case, it's much better to do something physical rather than mental, and concentrate on your work and try to do it as best as you can. I particularly enjoy washing up. And I have become very good at it - as good as a man can be at it.

    If there isn't anything you can, then go for a walk. Look at the shops, at the people passing by (what do they look like? how well are they dressed? do they look happy or tired?). There are so many things in the world around you for you to look at, and you may even be surprised to see details that you had never noticed before. Close your eyes. Now try to describe the room you are sitting in right now. The colour of the walls, the position of the window and the door, the furniture, how messy or how neat the room is, etc... Can you?

    These are simple exercises that might help you to detach yourself from those toxic and harmful thoughts. They will keep coming, however, and you will first accept them and then direct your attention to something else.

    Tell yourself that such thoughts are not the whole picture of your life. There is a lot more to it besides them. Why should you suffer so much from these thoughts? Why worry about things that may not have happened yet and may never happen indeed and if they happen, you are not responsible for them, are you? So, don't suffer in anticipation.

    Whenever you are depressed with these thoughts, just stand up, stretch yourself and do something or simply watch the incredible variety of life all around you. After all, this is what really matters: the present moment and all its hidden jewels.

     
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    Old 05-30-2008, 06:10 AM   #5
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    Re: Trust Issues from previous relationship affecting my marriage.

    The truest thing in this thread is that the trust issue you have has nothing to do with you husband, and everything to do with you. You are projecting your issues on to him, when you need to work on them yourself. You have a good opportunity to do this while he is away and you are in touch with those feelings. A counsellor would be a good idea, to start you in the right direction. I tend to think that these issues of abandonment and lack of trust probably go back much further than your last BF or they wouldn't plague you as much. You know that he is a different type of person, yet the same feelings are coming up. Look into that, you may already know when you FIRST felt like this, and why. Sera

     
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