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ladyjustice 06-05-2008 12:26 AM

Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
Hi everyone, I have been dating a great guy for the past few weeks. I met him a few months ago and really got to know him before we decided to date exclusively. I am 29 and he is 32. We get along really well and he has been great to me. I've met almost all his friends and I've met his parents, who seem to really like me. Anyways, we have discussed our previous relationships with each other in the past, but I tried not to ask too many questions before because I didn't want to be too nosy and because I didn't want to be weirded out by anything he told me.

He is a pretty open individual so the things I've learned about his past girlfriends are usually volunteered information from him. In total he told me he's had about 10 or 11 girlfriends and has been intimate with about 13 women, so basically those other women were not "serious" relationships. (more of the casual hook-up, you could say) Anyways, when he first told me this number, I was kinda shocked because my number kinda pales in comparison to his - I have been with less than half that.

Anyways, I learned yesterday some new details of prior girlfriends and also about some of the more "friends with benefits" women in his past. Some of the stuff did kinda get me insecure and I asked him what he would do if those women from his past (aka the booty call ones) were to call him up now. He told me he would tell them he has a girlfriend now and is committed to me. He tells me that that's all in the past and that he's with me now, and that he's "waited 32 years to find someone like me."

He reassures me that I don't have anything to worry about and that he has never cheated on any of his girlfriends before. I have been in some past relationships where trust was an issue because the guys would lie to me and do some pretty terrible things to me. From those past negative experiences, I guess I've built up a wall where I'm afraid to really let my guard down for fear of getting hurt. I don't want to be insecure like that in this new relationship because I want this one to last. I want to trust my new boyfriend and for the most part, he seems pretty upstanding.

I guess my question to you all is what can I do to get over my insecurities about trust and allow myself to really just enjoy this relationship without worrying about the people from his past? Also, I found myself asking him a whole bunch of questions about this one particular casual female that he would hook up with in the past. I want to be able to stop myself from asking him all these questions. I want to know about his past....but at the same time I don't want to know either. Help!

Seraph 06-05-2008 04:36 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
Just look at it this way - he has got all that stuff out of his system and, like he says, he is ready to commit to one special person. He knows what he wants and you are it. It can be a positive thing. At any rate, don't get all bent out of shape about his exes - the number is meaningless in this case. Some partnerships have broken up over trust issues with ONE ex-partner; yours is probably safer than many of those. Sera

Kszan 06-05-2008 05:00 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
At his age, I would really hope he got it all out of his system. And there's really nothing you can do except take his word for it. If he has never done anything to make you not trust him, then you have to just cut it out for the sake of the relationship and chill. Because just like the guy who posted on here about his gf and her past, you're doing the same thing where you're judging him for his past. And since all of that happened before you started going out, it's not your place to judge him for it. You have to find a way to accept that he has a past with some people, just as everyone does, and just deal with it.

It doesn't really matter what happened to you in your past relationships. Those were different relationships with different people. This is a totally new relationship with a totally new person. You can't make him suffer for the sins of those in your past, that's not fair to him. If he has never given you any reason not to trust you, then just stop this thought process because it will get you absolutely nowhere except possibly alienating him and causing the breakup of the relationship. The only time you should be worrying about all of this is if he starts showing signs of being unfaithful. It doesn't sound like that has happened and in fact he has been trying to reassure you. So just chill out and be happy that you may have potentially found a guy who isn't going to lie and cheat on you like those losers you dated in the past. Believe it or not, not all guys lie and cheat! This guy you're with now might actually be the first guy in your life who will be honest with you. And you may end up being the one who screws things up if you don't chill and just trust him when he tells you that he's done with all of those people from his past.

jo5086 06-05-2008 05:16 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
i think your worries are unfounded. like the pp said, you can't judge someone on their past - but also, i don't know if i think 13 is necessarily a high number for someone in their thirties. for the record, i have had at least 3 friends, who, by 22 had slept with over 30 partners, but they can totally commit when in a serious relationship; whereas my number is significantly lower (and i am in my mid 20's), but i've never been to keen on the idea of commitment.

happymom28 06-05-2008 05:45 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
I think you need to stop all discussion about past relationships. You don't want or need to know all the details. I suggest you stop now before you get in too deep to let it go.

He is with you now and said he is committed to you. Do you have trust in what he says to you? That is what is important. If you trust him and your relationship you don't need to worry about anything else. We all have a past. It's what makes us who we are today.

Focus on the here and now and how he is with you. Don't pass judgement for anything he did before. Close Pandora's Box now. His reasons for what he did in the past doesn't matter. Put the shoe on the other foot. Would you want to be under his microscope and being judged? The only thing you will acheive by doing this is drive him away. Leave the past where it belongs and focus on your relationship.

AnnD 06-05-2008 07:03 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
There is nothing wrong with keeping your guard up. I think I would wonder why he had to sleep with so many women and why he felt the need to volunteer that information to you. With most men you can't drag it out of them and he is telling all? hummmm? not sure I would trust him either. Get to know him a whole lot better. Your gut instinct is telling you something...that is why you keep asking about one particular booty call?...listen carefully. good luck.

JulJul22 06-05-2008 07:45 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
Most people do not cheat in a happy relationship because there is just too much to loose. I would not bring up the past unless it is still in the present. Is this ex ‘booty call’ still in the picture? He sounds as if he’s being very honest with you although, I think you guys might be moving too fast. Most people are guilty of this as you become high from the ‘falling in love’ period. (I included) As far as trust, I feel as though if you fully trust your SO and are happy, they feel more inclined to do the right thing because trust is almost non existent in relationships now a day.

In the beginning, your questions are kind of cute as you make him feel important and wanted. After a couple of months it will be controlling and unattractive. Take the time to get to know him a little better. Also, if this ‘booty call’ was anything of any significance, don’t you think that they would have moved forward into a committed relationship by now?

I am in a pretty new relationship and I have found it difficult to trust AFTER I found out that he was still talking to his ex and she was stopping by while I was at work. (We recently moved in together and they still have some financial ties and she needed to drop off $) Although I know how bad that looks, I actually trust him and I do not believe he would go back to her although I laid down the law from the get go. And just to make sure…..I take care of man! He’s too tired to stray!! Lol:D

Best of luck!

Redneon82 06-05-2008 08:14 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
13 is not that high a number. I'm dating someone who has over 30 past partners. It sounds like a lot, but since it's in the past and he's been tested for disease (and so have I) it's not an issue for us.

Sounds like you have a great guy there if he's sincere. I don't think he made it "official" with the booty call because he didn't want to! She wasn't the one for him, relationship-wise. And he seems to want that commitment with you.

I have a teenage son and I've advised him to "get it out of his system" while he's young, so he'll know what he wants and will be ready to settle down later without feeling like he "missed out" on anything. As long as protection is used and he's not emotionally manipulating anyone, I think it's healthy to date around while you're young.

jennie250 06-05-2008 12:43 PM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
You really need to drop this. Insecurity is really a turn off. You shouldn't have asked about the past in the first place, it really doesn't matter. For the record, I have been wtih way more men than this guy, I have had boyfriends, bed buddies, a few one night stands...and I can assure you, I am committed and faithful to my husband. One has nothing to do with the other. My husband trusts me with my guy friends, on girls weekends away, on nights out at the bar,anywhere really, why would he not trust me? if you become clingy and insecure you are going to drive this guy crazy. My husband had a " booty call" person right before we got together, they carried on for quite a while, 7 months or so. They still chat here and there, I could care less about it, it's over and in the past. They were freinds before the booty call arrangement started, and are friends now. We all have trust issues, I have been cheated on in the past, most of us have, but that shouldn't affect your present relationship unless you think he is cheating on you. My husband and I both have been cheated on and treated badly in the past, but we aren't clinging or needy with each other, we know those relationships aren't our relationship.
Stop asking him so many questions about the past. If I were this guy I would be getting really annoyed with the constant questions.

ladyluck27 06-05-2008 03:47 PM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
Unfortunately once the Pandora's Box has been opened, it can never be closed.

Do not ask about things that you may not recieve well (# boyfriend's past partners).

The important thing is, "Is he disease free?" and, "Do you want to move forward with him?"

13 is not high for a male, trust me you do not want to hear the number of women most men have slept with. In any case, it is very sad that you would judge...

I am sure there are things in your past that you would not like others to find out about (every human has something)...and if they did find out I'm sure it would dismay you to find your current disposition being judged on your past behavior.


elatedgiraffe 06-05-2008 10:42 PM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
I agree with the majority of posters here. There is no reason to discuss his past or keep bringing it up. This is the present. Speaking even from a female; I have had my fun; my share of lovers, some crazy college days and booty calls "friends with benefits" but I am the most faithful when in a relationship. I would hate if someone judged me on my past cause it is certainly not who I am in a relationship and they would be completely wrong in doubting my love or loyalty for them. Honestly I am so much more capable of having a good relationship with someone now that I have had my crazy times but also know how to appreciate when something good is right in front of me. Hes 32. Hes experienced. I think thats actually a good thing because hes had his taste of women and fun but is willing to commit to you. That tells me he knows what he wants more than a young inexperienced guy would. Don't take these past women as a threat; that it as a compliment. Also trust is not something you get from the other person. Trust is all about yourself. Its about knowing that you will be okay and can handle if he hurts you or ends up lying like the other guys. When you feel more confident in yourself and know your actual strength to handle heartbreak then you trust people easier. Strange concept. I am working on trust issues myself but find this approach and way of thinking makes sense and works. So; let it go..with all your power inside. You don't want to ruin the present with the past. Thats silly. Just keep a cautious eye out and if anything or any of these girls pops back up in the present then you have reason to address it with him. Otherwise; enjoy this part of the relationship. Its what living life is all about.

elatedgiraffe 06-05-2008 11:14 PM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
"Love is secure. Love is emotionally strong enough to respect another person’s space and to trust that what’s meant to happen will happen".

I found this doing some web surfing and it really hit home for me. Maybe it will help you as well. It was under the topic of "smothering".

mori1604 10-29-2008 10:07 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
lady justice,
I'm also constantly thinking about husband's past. I even lose sleep over this. I think what's going to help you is to tell yourself that he chose you over other women and that makes you feel important and loved, doesn't it? Think about his good traits and the good things he's done to you. Think about your good memories together. Seldom I wonder if I never married a guy like my husband, I would be missing a lot of good things!! So I'm just thankful that he is with me now, and not anyone else. Have you ever thought what might happen if you lost him? I think that will make you love him even more.

Gioparis 10-29-2008 11:39 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
I agree with all the posters...

I used to obssess over my husband's past...esp since he's 11 years older(hes in his mid 30s, I in my my mid 20s) we met when I was 19!!! he was 30! He was the first and only man I was intimate with..but he lived in a party town and knew tons of women...It used to bother me and when we first started dating I would even lie and tell him that I have more "Experience" but thats not the case...I felt so insecure....a few months after we got married, we were at his friends house for a party, they were all his friends from the past, men and women and they were all talking about the parting says and how amazing it was...girls would come up and hug him (and not say hi to me), and mind you, all these girls are physically less attractive than i am but it didnt matter...when we first got married we attended a wedding of a friend of his and went to a party in a club before it, and all of his friends seemed like the partying type , crazy, did this and done that kind of people......I wasnt at all, i was a kid but really didnt like the whole scene...I remember i used to tell him I did when we were dating so he doesnt think im boring...but im more of a talk over wine kind of person....

and when you hear your bf or husband remenece on the past with such joy (how amazing all the momeries were) knowing that you were still a kid when he was partying day and night bothered me soo much that I was convinced he was cheating (I've always had trust issues, I guess its the whole parents divorce, men always leave concept) ...because he had such an amazing and different passt...i was convinced that he would cheat on me because im not like that and he would get bored when he thinks about what hes missing out on.

I got so crazy that I actually would grab his cell as soon as im up and call every number on there to make sure they are who the names says they are, and a few times women answered on his male friends phone and i thought to myself, HAH! caught him...i didnt occur to me they could be their gfs,wives, etc..... DONT LET IT GET TOO FAR...INSECURITY IS DAMAGING...I realized that he was completely innocent when i saw his reaction to something stupid i did...i hate myself for almost loosing the only man I love over NOTHING......I reacted based on INSECURITIES...Which I obviously had from the beginning..its very intimidating to be with someone 11 years older, other than being more experinced relationship wise but also 11 times more mature...but ive been working on my issues ever since (its been almost 4 years) its not easy but its a must...The past IS the past...think about each day not about the past and what might imply in the FUTURE.

PLEASE DON'T OBSSESS ABOUT HIS PAST...It WILL DAMAGE YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHP....If your man wants to do something...hes going to do it , you cant stop dont worry about something you CANT CONTROL....

mori1604 10-29-2008 11:46 AM

Re: Learning the intimate details of bf's past relationships
I'm also in my mid 20's and never been physical with anyone else other than my husband, on the other hand, he has, but with just one person. Thanks so much for expanding my horizon about insecurity. I would never imagine getting divorced, or losing him, over something that happened in the past! I'm still not fully recovered with racing thoughts, but just to distract myself by looking at postings truly help!

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