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dodedoo 06-07-2008 03:28 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
I really appreciate everyone's posts.

Here is the deal. He was seeing other people when we started dating. And he told me this. But he says that right now he isn't seeing anyone else, nor does he want to. And I guess he wants the same from me, but he doesn't want to commit right now.

And the whole like..leaving his suit in my apartment thing. I didn't see it as such a bad thing. He works in the city and lives outside of it right now. So sometimes we decide to hang out when he cant go home an hour and a half to his place. So we both kind of decided that he would leave it at my place.

dodedoo 06-07-2008 03:38 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
You are nothing more than "Miss Right Now". I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you are making excuses for him and you are the one that stands to get hurt. [/QUOTE]

why do you say that? is it because he won't commit after 2 1/2 months or a combination of everything?

tycarrington 06-08-2008 04:18 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
Hi dodedoo, I'll offer a different perspective from my own experience. My bf and I started out sort of like that. We were very casual and I was still dating (well just going on dates) other people at the beginning cos I didn't really care. When we started seeing each other more often, I started having more feelings for him so I had this "talk" with him, probably around 2 months into seeing him (seriously, what's wrong with most guys? Why are they so afraid of talking about their emotions? anyways...) and found out that he didn't want to commit and want to date other people. I told him that I was dating other people (and you can see that he was surprised but he tried to hide it) and he said he wasn't seeing anyone since he started seeing me. Anyways I told him I would like a relationship and I told him to go think about it cos I really started to like him. He started becoming more attentive but I didn't really have another "talk" with him probably till a couple more months later (I just find it quite hard to bring that kind of conversation up especially if the other party doesn't want to talk and to be honest I wasn't sure what I really wanted either) and he still said he didn't want to be in a relationship but we made a promise to each other that we wouldn't see/hook up with anyone else. We've now been with each other for 1 and a half years and somewhere along the line we became official (like he started introducing me as his girlfriend). Sometimes when we have big arguments, he would bring up the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship, and he felt that he got dragged in. But afterwards, he would apologise for what he said. But it does annoy me to think that I forced someone to be in a relationship with me but I just look on the bright side and see that if he didn't want it, he would've left and that we do have a lot of fun with each other.

Dodedoo, I think you need to look at your guy and see where he is coming from (though I really do agree with other posters that it is extremely unfair for him to want to see other people and that you can't). Does he not want to commit because he is confused/scared or is it because he wants to be with other people? And if he wants to be with other people, does he like you enough to give that up to be with you? I think the most important thing is that you two are happy when you're with each other. If a commitment is important to you (like it is to me), then you can try to push it, it might take a few more months but he might finally come around. If it doesn't work, then you need to see if you'll be able to live with the way it is.

happymom28 06-08-2008 05:10 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
[QUOTE=dodedoo;3599684]why do you say that? is it because he won't commit after 2 1/2 months or a combination of everything?[/QUOTE]

The combination of everything. The biggest thing being that he thought you were trying to "trick" him into a relationship. You are not manipulating him. He is totally manipulating you and making you think you are to blame for wanting more. Don't fool yourself into thinking he isn't dating others or looking into it. Why is he going to come out and tell you point blank when he knows how you feel about him?

I've been in your shoes. I listened to his excuses, I made excuses of my own for him. Guess who ended up hurt? ME!!! I'm still friends with him (after a few years of no contact), but I see his fiance and have to wonder, what did she have that I didn't? I mean, I'm over him. But it took me a long time to get to a place where I was okay with not being good enough for him. Does that make sense?

Larrylou'smom 06-08-2008 10:08 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
Yeah, it all depends on what you want and what you're looking for. It could be my standards are way too high, but I couldn't stand to be with someone who told me he felt I was tricking him or manipulating or pushing him into a relationship. I want so much more than that. I want a man who would happily jump into a relationship with me with both feet and acknowledge it was his idea.

I don't know, dating is so much harder and trickier today than it ever was before I think. But I think the basic rule applies. Figure out what YOU want out of a relationship, figure out if you're getting it from him, and if so, then accept his terms and know that it was your choice to do so and if he leaves and you get hurt, well, at least you were the one who made the decision. He can't hurt you unless you let him. But if you decide he's not giving you what you want and need, then the best thing is to move on to someone who will rather than try to cajole, nag, talk, reason or otherwise push this guy into becoming who you want him to be.

happyinmyshoes 08-10-2008 11:10 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.

I’m in the exact same situation. It’s been 5 months… from day dot we’ve been exclusive – there’s been no one else. If it was upto me, yes we’d be together – NOW. But it takes two to tango and he’s simply not ready to commit.

We say “I’m yours and you’re mine”, he stays at mine often and we’re completely into eachother. But for whatever reason in side the boy’s head – he’s not ready to commit. Their his own reasons, not mine. But I’m enjoying it while it lasts and making the most out of the times we share together. And please don’t get me wrong… I’m not a push over, he’s not secretly seeing anyone behind my back. He’s just not ready to label what we are and at the end of the day to call someone your boyfriend or girlfriend is only a label. Why should it matter to the world what you are when you know when you’re with that person you are their’s? We’re great friends with each other’s friends. We host dinner parties and our families both know eachother… in everyone’s eyes we are together. But to us it’s just not ‘official’.

Even if we were together; just because you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend doesn’t mean they’re more likely to not cheat because that doesn’t matter. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.

We’re now looking for a place together. He’s asked me to move in with him! And when I questioned him on this, whether it only because it was convenient for him he brought up that I should know what’s in his heart and he wouldn’t have asked me unless he truly meant it.

So hang in there. Just because he’s not ready to commit doesn’t mean he’s not willing to give it a go.

Trust me, at first this was a massive issue I had. And some days I still do find it an issue. For someone to not want to commit to you hits a pang inside and makes you feel rejected. As I said, I’ve got good days and I’ve got back – but at the end I’ve still got him. He is amazing! And today, it doesn’t bother me that we’re not together (because I know there’s others like yourself experiencing the same thing!).

Enjoy yourself with him. If it’s not meant to be, things will dissolve.
Be patient. Good things come to those that wait.

I’m one of those people that think and think and think. And this situation I’ve been in the past 5 months has put my thinking cap in overdrive! I’ve used tarot cards (my friends here at work) to help me through some of my mental blocks about him and us; just to give me some sort of guidance for that day. And often enough a couple days later I find myself asking the cards the same question! But it does help. Another thing, I bet you’re a Capricorn…

Good Luck and stay hopeful.

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