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-   -   won't commit but upset about other guys. (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/607602-wont-commit-but-upset-about-other-guys.html)

dodedoo 06-05-2008 06:42 PM

won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
Sooo here is the deal.

I have posted before about the guy I am dating right now. We have been dating for 2 1/2 months. He has said in the past that he isn't able to commit to me fully at this time because he is super focused on his career because he just switched jobs, and I think he also helps out his mom financially so he is focused on that. He is a lawyer so he has a busy schedule.

So ANYWAY. Last night he was over my apartment and I had my e-mail open while we were sitting next to each other and he saw an e-mail that led him to believe I am actively trying to date other guys. And it upset him. The thing was, it had nothing to do with that at all. And I am honestly not really dating anyone else right now. But he told me that if he knew if I was actively seeking guys to date that he would be done with us.. But he didn't say anything about us committing. Although, just yesterday he kind of moved some stuff into my apartment. He left a suit here and some other clothes for when he stays over and can't go home first since right now we are a little bit long distance.

What is the deal!??

By the way, he told me that he is not hooking up or trying to get with other girls. And that I am the only lady in his life.

Redneon82 06-05-2008 08:44 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
Is this the guy who you found out was dating other women while dating you too? Or do I have the wrong person?

Talk to him. Find out if he wants to be exclusive with you. If he does, and you want the same thing, then problem solved. You can't try to guess by how he reacts to you talking to other men, or that he left some stuff at your place. The only way to know FOR SURE is to ask.

Seraph 06-05-2008 08:51 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I think that it is time for him to say one way or the other whether you are an item or not. None of this HE doesn't commit but expects YOU to be committed. He can't really have both. At this point your relationship is very new and I can see his point about committing AND this must apply to you too, otherwise it is you waiting patiently while he lives an uncommitted lifestyle with you as backup girl. Sera

dodedoo 06-05-2008 09:17 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
[QUOTE=Redneon82;3597676]Is this the guy who you found out was dating other women while dating you too? Or do I have the wrong person?

Talk to him. Find out if he wants to be exclusive with you. If he does, and you want the same thing, then problem solved. You can't try to guess by how he reacts to you talking to other men, or that he left some stuff at your place. The only way to know FOR SURE is to ask.[/QUOTE]

Yes it is the same guy.

We recently had a discussion about the commitment situation and I know he isn't ready yet. He is an old fashioned guy and likes to take things slow. His really good guy friend told me this, and that he likes to put on a front sometimes, whatever that means.

So I know he still doesn't want a commitment right now. This leaves mee where?

elatedgiraffe 06-05-2008 10:28 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
When he got upset about your email was when it was a perfect time for you to have a serious discussion. I would advise you mention the email ordeal again that you are confused as to why he reacted the way he did. I would ask him why does he feel that its okay not to give you a commitment but for him to EXPECT that you give him one? From your post you mention that he is not seeing anyone else and you are this only girl yet hes too busy with his career and family to make a commitment....Its important that you state your needs as well. If you want a commited relationship you can either wait it out and see if he changes his mind or you can date and keep your options open. I have spent way too much time in relationships that never went anywhere when I could have been dating more to find the guy that was ready and willing for commitment. The way I see it; if he refuses to give you commitment then you should refuse to commit to him. Commitment goes both ways.

happymom28 06-06-2008 05:08 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
You need to have a serious talk with him and get it all on the table dodedoo. You need to tell him that if he can't give you a committment then you are free to date just as he is <PERIOD>. If he doesn't like that then he is free to stop seeing you because he obviously isn't as great of a guy as you think he is.

Do not for one minute think that you should not see other people because he says so. There are not two sets of rules for you guys to follow. He can't have it both ways and he is an egotistical, hypocritical jerk if that's what he expects you (and the other women he's dating) to do.

Honestly, the whole "leaving the suit" thing made me think of a dog marking his territory. He might as well have peed around your apartment! :rolleyes:

EDIT: I just wanted to make sure one thing is clear. It doesn't matter whether or not you intend to date other guys while dating him. The point is that if HE isn't going to commit to you then you are free to date whomever you please he can't say ANYTHING.

Larrylou'smom 06-06-2008 06:08 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
This man does sound very controlling. Didn't he get very upset with you, and almost break up with you because you found text or phone messages from another woman that sounded like he was dating someone else? I guess I'm confused, wasn't he kind of seeing other women, and got mad at you for making a big deal out of it, now he's saying he isn't into seeing anyone else, but still won't say you're officially "seeing each other?" No wonder you're confused.

BUT...I'd say, to answer your question what do you do? Well, what do you WANT to do? Do you feel two months is enough time to see if a relationship is good enough to focus on and pursue? If you do, and he doesn't, then I would be hesitant to let this man waste your time. The bottom line here is, do you WANT to be exclusive with someone who still won't promise even to make a good faith effort to pursue the relationship with you exclusively to see where it goes, or is this guy so great that you feel it's worth investing a few more months in to see if he will "come around?" Personally, I'd be really put off by this guy. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Lawyer or not, great guy in every other respect or not, if he's not more into you than that after almsot 3 months, he's no great catch. I'm not saying marriage, I'm not even sayin "I love you" kind of thing, but at least, "yeah, you're my girlfriend and I'm your boyfriend and we'll make a go of this and see what happens." I dont' think that's too much to ask after three months.

dodedoo 06-06-2008 08:37 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
this is why i post on here. you guys give soooo much insight. i mean i was obviously having a problem with the situation but you all definitely help me clear up why. he is totally trying to assure himself that i am not with any other guys while still being noncommittal. so lame.

AnnD 06-06-2008 09:41 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I'm guessing you are his exclusive booty call...without a commitment from him. Gosh he has it made...a place to hang his clothes and you are ok with him not committing. What more would a guy want...and he can even demand you not have or seek other male friendships. Why are you letting him move in piece by piece...he seems like such a jerk and you are letting him.

dodedoo 06-06-2008 10:52 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
Alright well I am definitely going to bring it up to him the next time we are alone. I am going to let him know how I feel about him not wanting me to see other guys while he won't even commit to me. A few weeks ago I told him that I wanted to stop hanging out as much because I know that I am liking him more and I didn't want to get hurt. And he totally thought that I was trying to trick him into a committment. And it was cleared up that that was not my intention. But I feel like he is just going to think I am trying to "force" him into a relationship again. Ugggh.

Larrylou'smom 06-07-2008 12:16 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
[QUOTE=dodedoo;3599019]Alright well I am definitely going to bring it up to him the next time we are alone. I am going to let him know how I feel about him not wanting me to see other guys while he won't even commit to me. A few weeks ago I told him that I wanted to stop hanging out as much because I know that I am liking him more and I didn't want to get hurt. And he totally thought that I was trying to trick him into a committment. And it was cleared up that that was not my intention. But I feel like he is just going to think I am trying to "force" him into a relationship again. Ugggh.[/QUOTE]

Well, hear me out, but I can kind of understand why men think that women try to manipulate them into relationships when women just want to "talk." But if you really look at it from his perspective, what really is there to bring up or talk about? He's made his position clear. He doesn't want to call you his girlfriend, he says he's not seeing other women, but we sort of have evidence to the contrary, and he doesn't want you to see other men, but still doesn't want you as a girlfriend. That's his position. Nothing really to talk about. He's made it clear. You either take it or leave it. Personally, I think I'd leave it. Like I said, three months isn't soon enough for "I love you's" and all that stuff, but it certainly is soon enough to know if you want someone to be your girlfriend or not. Sheesh. I don't think there's anything to talk about. You just have a decision to make.

happymom28 06-07-2008 05:13 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I have to agree that there really isn't anything to talk about dodedoo.

He made his position very clear. Look at the facts. He is not ready to commit to you or anyone else. He is actively dating other women. He feels like you are trying to "trick" him into a commitment. :rolleyes: He doesn't want to date you if you are dating other men. :rolleyes: He is moving stuff into your apartment to mark his territory. Honestly, what is there to discuss?

He knows how you feel and he doesn't want to hear it. When you talk about your feelings he thinks you are manipulating him. I'm sorry, but even when he is ready for a committment it won't be with you or any other woman he is dating right now. None of you are "Miss Right" for him. You are nothing more than "Miss Right Now". I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you are making excuses for him and you are the one that stands to get hurt. Playing by his "relationship rules" isn't going to get you the guy. He is playing with your heart and that's just WRONG!

It is his right not to commit to anyone. But it is also your right to be with a man who respects you and your feelings. This guy is not it!

matter of time 06-07-2008 05:52 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
That leaving the suit at your place thing really bothers me unless he was [I]officially [/I]your boyfriend. What if you dated someone else and he saw the suit! As happymom said, he is marking territory that is not his.

Kszan 06-07-2008 06:42 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I have a guy friend like this, dodedoo. We have been friends for a while, we tried the fwb thing and I broke the rules cause I started hinting at perhaps a relationship. He got all skittish about it and said he didn't want a relationship right now. Then I found out that I wasn't the only fwb that he had, and I got mad so I cut that off. But when I started talking about all of these other guys, he got very jealous. In fact I asked him to set me up with a friend of his, and he agreed at first but then all the sudden changed his mind less than a day later! I was like, what's the deal? And he told me flat out that he was jealous and didn't want to think about that other guy being with me because he feels like he's the only one allowed to be with me. Ok, so I said Hello Mr. Major Hypocrite because he's with all of these other women but I'm not allowed to be with anyone else? Umm... hello?

Anyway, long story short, he told me that it's not unusual for guys to feel like they want to be the only "dog in the yard". Meaning that he doesn't want there to be any competition, because although he doesn't want to be your bf, he still wants you to be his exclusively. He said something about it being a territorial thing. And guys are just weird anyway, they have this weird notion that we're more like their property and that they own us or whatever. It's a stupid thing but it's just something that guys do sometimes. I can't explain it very well, but my whole point to you is that I can see that your situation is so much like mine, and I gave up trying to have a relationship with him. If you want to know how I handled it, I backed way, way off and stopped calling, stopped emailing and everything else. And guess what? After about 2 weeks, he all the sudden started calling me and emailing me like every day wondering what was going on and saying, "I haven't heard from you in a little while?" We're still just friends he and I, but I have truly backed off as much as possible cause I don't want to put myself on the line again and get hurt.

That's the key, here, dodedoo. Make yourself as unavailable as possible to this guy because in my experience, that's when they always come crawling back and telling you they miss you and blah blah blah. But then if they don't contact you, then you know that they don't really care as much about you as you thought they did and maybe it's time to write them off. Cause it's not worth it being the only person doing the effort in the relationship.

Redneon82 06-07-2008 02:26 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I used to see a guy who did the same thing. He saw whomever he wanted (and slept around like a dog in heat) but didn't want me to see anyone else. Well, I got fed up and stopped seeing him. He then sent me an e-mail telling me that he felt I was his "princess in a box" who he could "take out and play with when I want to". After that gem, he had the nerve to type "I love you"!. Give me a break...I kicked that loser to the curb so fast his head spun.

This guy is playing a game. He wants you available to him when HE wants you but he wants to make sure you are ALWAYS available, hence the "no other guys" rule. This is not good enough for you! You can do much better. There's a guy out there who will think you are so amazing that he won't want or need anyone else, and will respect you enough to commit to you. Find him!


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