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-   -   won't commit but upset about other guys. (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/607602-wont-commit-but-upset-about-other-guys.html)

dodedoo 06-05-2008 06:42 PM

won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
Sooo here is the deal.

I have posted before about the guy I am dating right now. We have been dating for 2 1/2 months. He has said in the past that he isn't able to commit to me fully at this time because he is super focused on his career because he just switched jobs, and I think he also helps out his mom financially so he is focused on that. He is a lawyer so he has a busy schedule.

So ANYWAY. Last night he was over my apartment and I had my e-mail open while we were sitting next to each other and he saw an e-mail that led him to believe I am actively trying to date other guys. And it upset him. The thing was, it had nothing to do with that at all. And I am honestly not really dating anyone else right now. But he told me that if he knew if I was actively seeking guys to date that he would be done with us.. But he didn't say anything about us committing. Although, just yesterday he kind of moved some stuff into my apartment. He left a suit here and some other clothes for when he stays over and can't go home first since right now we are a little bit long distance.

What is the deal!??

By the way, he told me that he is not hooking up or trying to get with other girls. And that I am the only lady in his life.

Redneon82 06-05-2008 08:44 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
Is this the guy who you found out was dating other women while dating you too? Or do I have the wrong person?

Talk to him. Find out if he wants to be exclusive with you. If he does, and you want the same thing, then problem solved. You can't try to guess by how he reacts to you talking to other men, or that he left some stuff at your place. The only way to know FOR SURE is to ask.

Seraph 06-05-2008 08:51 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I think that it is time for him to say one way or the other whether you are an item or not. None of this HE doesn't commit but expects YOU to be committed. He can't really have both. At this point your relationship is very new and I can see his point about committing AND this must apply to you too, otherwise it is you waiting patiently while he lives an uncommitted lifestyle with you as backup girl. Sera

dodedoo 06-05-2008 09:17 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
[QUOTE=Redneon82;3597676]Is this the guy who you found out was dating other women while dating you too? Or do I have the wrong person?

Talk to him. Find out if he wants to be exclusive with you. If he does, and you want the same thing, then problem solved. You can't try to guess by how he reacts to you talking to other men, or that he left some stuff at your place. The only way to know FOR SURE is to ask.[/QUOTE]

Yes it is the same guy.

We recently had a discussion about the commitment situation and I know he isn't ready yet. He is an old fashioned guy and likes to take things slow. His really good guy friend told me this, and that he likes to put on a front sometimes, whatever that means.

So I know he still doesn't want a commitment right now. This leaves mee where?

elatedgiraffe 06-05-2008 10:28 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
When he got upset about your email was when it was a perfect time for you to have a serious discussion. I would advise you mention the email ordeal again that you are confused as to why he reacted the way he did. I would ask him why does he feel that its okay not to give you a commitment but for him to EXPECT that you give him one? From your post you mention that he is not seeing anyone else and you are this only girl yet hes too busy with his career and family to make a commitment....Its important that you state your needs as well. If you want a commited relationship you can either wait it out and see if he changes his mind or you can date and keep your options open. I have spent way too much time in relationships that never went anywhere when I could have been dating more to find the guy that was ready and willing for commitment. The way I see it; if he refuses to give you commitment then you should refuse to commit to him. Commitment goes both ways.

happymom28 06-06-2008 05:08 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
You need to have a serious talk with him and get it all on the table dodedoo. You need to tell him that if he can't give you a committment then you are free to date just as he is <PERIOD>. If he doesn't like that then he is free to stop seeing you because he obviously isn't as great of a guy as you think he is.

Do not for one minute think that you should not see other people because he says so. There are not two sets of rules for you guys to follow. He can't have it both ways and he is an egotistical, hypocritical jerk if that's what he expects you (and the other women he's dating) to do.

Honestly, the whole "leaving the suit" thing made me think of a dog marking his territory. He might as well have peed around your apartment! :rolleyes:

EDIT: I just wanted to make sure one thing is clear. It doesn't matter whether or not you intend to date other guys while dating him. The point is that if HE isn't going to commit to you then you are free to date whomever you please he can't say ANYTHING.

Larrylou'smom 06-06-2008 06:08 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
This man does sound very controlling. Didn't he get very upset with you, and almost break up with you because you found text or phone messages from another woman that sounded like he was dating someone else? I guess I'm confused, wasn't he kind of seeing other women, and got mad at you for making a big deal out of it, now he's saying he isn't into seeing anyone else, but still won't say you're officially "seeing each other?" No wonder you're confused.

BUT...I'd say, to answer your question what do you do? Well, what do you WANT to do? Do you feel two months is enough time to see if a relationship is good enough to focus on and pursue? If you do, and he doesn't, then I would be hesitant to let this man waste your time. The bottom line here is, do you WANT to be exclusive with someone who still won't promise even to make a good faith effort to pursue the relationship with you exclusively to see where it goes, or is this guy so great that you feel it's worth investing a few more months in to see if he will "come around?" Personally, I'd be really put off by this guy. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Lawyer or not, great guy in every other respect or not, if he's not more into you than that after almsot 3 months, he's no great catch. I'm not saying marriage, I'm not even sayin "I love you" kind of thing, but at least, "yeah, you're my girlfriend and I'm your boyfriend and we'll make a go of this and see what happens." I dont' think that's too much to ask after three months.

dodedoo 06-06-2008 08:37 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
this is why i post on here. you guys give soooo much insight. i mean i was obviously having a problem with the situation but you all definitely help me clear up why. he is totally trying to assure himself that i am not with any other guys while still being noncommittal. so lame.

AnnD 06-06-2008 09:41 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I'm guessing you are his exclusive booty call...without a commitment from him. Gosh he has it made...a place to hang his clothes and you are ok with him not committing. What more would a guy want...and he can even demand you not have or seek other male friendships. Why are you letting him move in piece by piece...he seems like such a jerk and you are letting him.

dodedoo 06-06-2008 10:52 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
Alright well I am definitely going to bring it up to him the next time we are alone. I am going to let him know how I feel about him not wanting me to see other guys while he won't even commit to me. A few weeks ago I told him that I wanted to stop hanging out as much because I know that I am liking him more and I didn't want to get hurt. And he totally thought that I was trying to trick him into a committment. And it was cleared up that that was not my intention. But I feel like he is just going to think I am trying to "force" him into a relationship again. Ugggh.

Larrylou'smom 06-07-2008 12:16 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
[QUOTE=dodedoo;3599019]Alright well I am definitely going to bring it up to him the next time we are alone. I am going to let him know how I feel about him not wanting me to see other guys while he won't even commit to me. A few weeks ago I told him that I wanted to stop hanging out as much because I know that I am liking him more and I didn't want to get hurt. And he totally thought that I was trying to trick him into a committment. And it was cleared up that that was not my intention. But I feel like he is just going to think I am trying to "force" him into a relationship again. Ugggh.[/QUOTE]

Well, hear me out, but I can kind of understand why men think that women try to manipulate them into relationships when women just want to "talk." But if you really look at it from his perspective, what really is there to bring up or talk about? He's made his position clear. He doesn't want to call you his girlfriend, he says he's not seeing other women, but we sort of have evidence to the contrary, and he doesn't want you to see other men, but still doesn't want you as a girlfriend. That's his position. Nothing really to talk about. He's made it clear. You either take it or leave it. Personally, I think I'd leave it. Like I said, three months isn't soon enough for "I love you's" and all that stuff, but it certainly is soon enough to know if you want someone to be your girlfriend or not. Sheesh. I don't think there's anything to talk about. You just have a decision to make.

happymom28 06-07-2008 05:13 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I have to agree that there really isn't anything to talk about dodedoo.

He made his position very clear. Look at the facts. He is not ready to commit to you or anyone else. He is actively dating other women. He feels like you are trying to "trick" him into a commitment. :rolleyes: He doesn't want to date you if you are dating other men. :rolleyes: He is moving stuff into your apartment to mark his territory. Honestly, what is there to discuss?

He knows how you feel and he doesn't want to hear it. When you talk about your feelings he thinks you are manipulating him. I'm sorry, but even when he is ready for a committment it won't be with you or any other woman he is dating right now. None of you are "Miss Right" for him. You are nothing more than "Miss Right Now". I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you are making excuses for him and you are the one that stands to get hurt. Playing by his "relationship rules" isn't going to get you the guy. He is playing with your heart and that's just WRONG!

It is his right not to commit to anyone. But it is also your right to be with a man who respects you and your feelings. This guy is not it!

matter of time 06-07-2008 05:52 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
That leaving the suit at your place thing really bothers me unless he was [I]officially [/I]your boyfriend. What if you dated someone else and he saw the suit! As happymom said, he is marking territory that is not his.

Kszan 06-07-2008 06:42 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I have a guy friend like this, dodedoo. We have been friends for a while, we tried the fwb thing and I broke the rules cause I started hinting at perhaps a relationship. He got all skittish about it and said he didn't want a relationship right now. Then I found out that I wasn't the only fwb that he had, and I got mad so I cut that off. But when I started talking about all of these other guys, he got very jealous. In fact I asked him to set me up with a friend of his, and he agreed at first but then all the sudden changed his mind less than a day later! I was like, what's the deal? And he told me flat out that he was jealous and didn't want to think about that other guy being with me because he feels like he's the only one allowed to be with me. Ok, so I said Hello Mr. Major Hypocrite because he's with all of these other women but I'm not allowed to be with anyone else? Umm... hello?

Anyway, long story short, he told me that it's not unusual for guys to feel like they want to be the only "dog in the yard". Meaning that he doesn't want there to be any competition, because although he doesn't want to be your bf, he still wants you to be his exclusively. He said something about it being a territorial thing. And guys are just weird anyway, they have this weird notion that we're more like their property and that they own us or whatever. It's a stupid thing but it's just something that guys do sometimes. I can't explain it very well, but my whole point to you is that I can see that your situation is so much like mine, and I gave up trying to have a relationship with him. If you want to know how I handled it, I backed way, way off and stopped calling, stopped emailing and everything else. And guess what? After about 2 weeks, he all the sudden started calling me and emailing me like every day wondering what was going on and saying, "I haven't heard from you in a little while?" We're still just friends he and I, but I have truly backed off as much as possible cause I don't want to put myself on the line again and get hurt.

That's the key, here, dodedoo. Make yourself as unavailable as possible to this guy because in my experience, that's when they always come crawling back and telling you they miss you and blah blah blah. But then if they don't contact you, then you know that they don't really care as much about you as you thought they did and maybe it's time to write them off. Cause it's not worth it being the only person doing the effort in the relationship.

Redneon82 06-07-2008 02:26 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I used to see a guy who did the same thing. He saw whomever he wanted (and slept around like a dog in heat) but didn't want me to see anyone else. Well, I got fed up and stopped seeing him. He then sent me an e-mail telling me that he felt I was his "princess in a box" who he could "take out and play with when I want to". After that gem, he had the nerve to type "I love you"!. Give me a break...I kicked that loser to the curb so fast his head spun.

This guy is playing a game. He wants you available to him when HE wants you but he wants to make sure you are ALWAYS available, hence the "no other guys" rule. This is not good enough for you! You can do much better. There's a guy out there who will think you are so amazing that he won't want or need anyone else, and will respect you enough to commit to you. Find him!

dodedoo 06-07-2008 03:28 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
I really appreciate everyone's posts.

Here is the deal. He was seeing other people when we started dating. And he told me this. But he says that right now he isn't seeing anyone else, nor does he want to. And I guess he wants the same from me, but he doesn't want to commit right now.

And the whole like..leaving his suit in my apartment thing. I didn't see it as such a bad thing. He works in the city and lives outside of it right now. So sometimes we decide to hang out when he cant go home an hour and a half to his place. So we both kind of decided that he would leave it at my place.

dodedoo 06-07-2008 03:38 PM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
[QUOTE=happymom28;3599152]
You are nothing more than "Miss Right Now". I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you are making excuses for him and you are the one that stands to get hurt. [/QUOTE]

why do you say that? is it because he won't commit after 2 1/2 months or a combination of everything?

tycarrington 06-08-2008 04:18 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
Hi dodedoo, I'll offer a different perspective from my own experience. My bf and I started out sort of like that. We were very casual and I was still dating (well just going on dates) other people at the beginning cos I didn't really care. When we started seeing each other more often, I started having more feelings for him so I had this "talk" with him, probably around 2 months into seeing him (seriously, what's wrong with most guys? Why are they so afraid of talking about their emotions? anyways...) and found out that he didn't want to commit and want to date other people. I told him that I was dating other people (and you can see that he was surprised but he tried to hide it) and he said he wasn't seeing anyone since he started seeing me. Anyways I told him I would like a relationship and I told him to go think about it cos I really started to like him. He started becoming more attentive but I didn't really have another "talk" with him probably till a couple more months later (I just find it quite hard to bring that kind of conversation up especially if the other party doesn't want to talk and to be honest I wasn't sure what I really wanted either) and he still said he didn't want to be in a relationship but we made a promise to each other that we wouldn't see/hook up with anyone else. We've now been with each other for 1 and a half years and somewhere along the line we became official (like he started introducing me as his girlfriend). Sometimes when we have big arguments, he would bring up the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship, and he felt that he got dragged in. But afterwards, he would apologise for what he said. But it does annoy me to think that I forced someone to be in a relationship with me but I just look on the bright side and see that if he didn't want it, he would've left and that we do have a lot of fun with each other.

Dodedoo, I think you need to look at your guy and see where he is coming from (though I really do agree with other posters that it is extremely unfair for him to want to see other people and that you can't). Does he not want to commit because he is confused/scared or is it because he wants to be with other people? And if he wants to be with other people, does he like you enough to give that up to be with you? I think the most important thing is that you two are happy when you're with each other. If a commitment is important to you (like it is to me), then you can try to push it, it might take a few more months but he might finally come around. If it doesn't work, then you need to see if you'll be able to live with the way it is.

happymom28 06-08-2008 05:10 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
[QUOTE=dodedoo;3599684]why do you say that? is it because he won't commit after 2 1/2 months or a combination of everything?[/QUOTE]

The combination of everything. The biggest thing being that he thought you were trying to "trick" him into a relationship. You are not manipulating him. He is totally manipulating you and making you think you are to blame for wanting more. Don't fool yourself into thinking he isn't dating others or looking into it. Why is he going to come out and tell you point blank when he knows how you feel about him?

I've been in your shoes. I listened to his excuses, I made excuses of my own for him. Guess who ended up hurt? ME!!! I'm still friends with him (after a few years of no contact), but I see his fiance and have to wonder, what did she have that I didn't? I mean, I'm over him. But it took me a long time to get to a place where I was okay with not being good enough for him. Does that make sense?

Larrylou'smom 06-08-2008 10:08 AM

Re: won't commit but upset about other guys.
 
Yeah, it all depends on what you want and what you're looking for. It could be my standards are way too high, but I couldn't stand to be with someone who told me he felt I was tricking him or manipulating or pushing him into a relationship. I want so much more than that. I want a man who would happily jump into a relationship with me with both feet and acknowledge it was his idea.

I don't know, dating is so much harder and trickier today than it ever was before I think. But I think the basic rule applies. Figure out what YOU want out of a relationship, figure out if you're getting it from him, and if so, then accept his terms and know that it was your choice to do so and if he leaves and you get hurt, well, at least you were the one who made the decision. He can't hurt you unless you let him. But if you decide he's not giving you what you want and need, then the best thing is to move on to someone who will rather than try to cajole, nag, talk, reason or otherwise push this guy into becoming who you want him to be.


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