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Issues with me going back to work

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Old 06-10-2008, 12:56 PM   #1
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Issues with me going back to work

I have been a stay-at home mom for close to a year and just had my second child 3 months ago. Maybe I should feel guilty about this...but I want to go back to work. My husband does not approve of it all all, but he is so confusing.

We don't share a bank account, so if I need ANYTHING, I have to ask him. I'm sure anyone with children (or even without children!) can imagine how old that can get. He doesn't even give me an allowance or anything, so it's really annoying. He gives me $270/mo. for groceries (to feed 4 people, are you kidding me?!) and pays my car payment, but anything beond that it's like pulling teeth to get from him. I asked him to fill up my gas tank the other day ago and it turned into an argument. I told him that I always make sure his lunch is made & his underwear are clean, can you please just make sure I have gas in my car? I don't ask for much...I've cut down quite a bit. It's not like I'm asking for money to get my nails & hair done...just for some basic house needs and he makes a big deal out of it even though he can totally afford it! He has a great job.

So we were talking the other day ago and I told him share a bank acct. with me or I'm getting a job, I'm tired of this. So he said fine then, get a job. I guess he wasn't serious, because yesterday I had a job interview and he flipped out on me! He said he doesn't want me working and was trying to make me feel guilty and like a bad mom because I want to go to work. Please understand, I love my children with all my heart and they always come first and no amount of money could compare to them, but when I have no money it's kind of a big deal. I have school debt still, and he told me he's not helping me pay it b/c it's "not his problem." Well I understand that, I'm the one that went to school, but he's the one who wants me to stay home and raise our kids.

So at my job interview yesterday (it was a working interview) I was there for a little over 2 hrs. and I asked them if I could call my husband really quick to go get the kids from my grandma's b/c I knew our son was out of formula. He was on his way home from work and I knew he could get to them sooner than me, so I called him. Well he flipped out on me over the phone, in front of the girls at the office. I about died of embarassment. I KNOW they could hear him through the phone. He started cussing at me and asking me all these questions. Everything was going so well up until I called him. It shouldn't have been a big deal. It's could've been a real quick "yeah, honey, I'll go get the kids." and save the yelling for later. He knew I had an interview, I told him that earlier. Well, if I don't get the job I'll know why. I've never been so embarrassed before. I called him afterward, I was in tears and told him how much he embarrased me and he laughed about it. I told him he didn't care nd he said, "you're right, I don't." The job would only be 4 days a week and the kids would go to my grandma's (well our daughter would go to preschool daycare a couple days a week to give grandma a break).

It's all just so frustrating to me. I support his needs/wants and he obviously doesn't care about my needs & wants. If it doesn't convenience him or it's not what he wants, then he just doesn't care and acts disrespectful towards me and I'm tired of it. I'm sorry this was so long, but this has just been building up and it's driving me crazy.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

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Old 06-10-2008, 01:01 PM   #2
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Re: Issues with me going back to work

along with the job, if I were you, I'd be getting an attorney and a divorce.
your husband is trying to control you......I hope you know that.

Old 06-10-2008, 01:26 PM   #3
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WorriednNervous HB User
Re: Issues with me going back to work

I don't like to speak ill of other;s husband's but this guy sounds like a real jerk. Only advice I have is 1) get a job if he can not give you a few to support yourself, then get a job 2) tell him he needs to be more supportive and caring about your needs or you are out of there.

Good luck with the job I do hope you get the job. After 5 years of being a SAHM I am in the same boat of getting. Difference is my husband is supportive of me going back to work.

Old 06-10-2008, 02:02 PM   #4
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JulJul22 HB User
Re: Issues with me going back to work

I’m so sorry that you are going through his Brook85. Please do understand that your husband is being very immature in regards to you wanting to get a job. I was s stay at home mom (only for a little while as my DD’s father was a POS) but you do tend to get depressed as you feel as you are not welcome in society anymore. (Well, that’s kind of how I felt) I wanted my independence; freedom and money back as I am a control freak and do not do well with men dehumanizing me. (Been there, never again doing that!)

What really concerns me is the attitude that he had when you told him about the interview. It’s sounds as if he has no respect for you nor does he appreciate the things you do for him and the children. I feel as though there is a lot more that you are not telling….
Time does not heal. It simply provides distraction.

Old 06-10-2008, 03:29 PM   #5
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Re: Issues with me going back to work

May I ask you a few questions?

You say you want to go back to work. That means, you were working before you met him, right? When you decided to get married, did you make any kind of agreement, such as he would be the sole provider and you would stay at home looking after the kids? Or not anything was scheduled in terms of roles and functions in the family?

Do you want to get back to work also because you have a work project or an ideal, because you want to apply what you have learned at school, etc, or only because you want to have your own money?

If you go back to work, what kind of compensation or reward are you giving your grandma for taking care of the kids? I presume it's you rather than him who will be rewarding her, if anything.

Anyway, I don't think you should allow emotions (anger, despair, sadness) to carry you away. Try to stay calm and focused. Let him know about the unfolding of your plans in advance, even if he doesn't respond, ignores you or swears at you. I hope he will come to his best senses as soon as possible.

Old 06-10-2008, 03:39 PM   #6
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Re: Issues with me going back to work

Not the kind of father I would want for my son.. and neither should you..

Real men don't go crazy on their wives when asked to do a favor for their child..

laughing at you when he made you cry? .... far from any type of love. FAR!

Immature, control freak, heartless...... that's all i'm reading about him..

maybe your used to his controlling ways.. but when is enough, enough?

I'd be packing my bags while on the phone with a lawyer -when he's at work- and staying somewhere he would never find you.. because I can almost 100% guarantee he'd manipulate you into going back to him.. and he'd use money as a ploy to get you back.. and that he's going to take the kids away.. don't let him manipulate you..

I wish you luck

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 06-10-2008 at 03:41 PM.

Old 06-11-2008, 03:27 AM   #7
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Re: Issues with me going back to work

Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
along with the job, if I were you, I'd be getting an attorney and a divorce.
your husband is trying to control you......I hope you know that.
I really have to agree hon!

I'm a SAHM too. My husband and I don't share a bank account either. HOWEVER, I get the respect I deserve and you clearly don't. If I/the girls/the house needs something I take the ATM card or the credit card. I let him know exactly what I spent so he can do the numbers. I always have gas in my car. Do you see the picture?

My husband also wants me home with the kids and there are days I go crazy too. But my husband is my PARTNER in all of this. I'm sorry, but you deserve better. What he did was inexcusable and I don't think you will EVER get him to see that he was wrong.

Old 06-11-2008, 05:56 AM   #8
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Re: Issues with me going back to work

My best friend has a similar relationship with her husband and it makes me nuts. She tells me she is horrible with money and if she has the ATM card, she spends a boatload of money which usually causes them to bounce checks (not saying you are that way!) so that's why he's the way that he is - ok, I can understand that to a point, but she too will not have any gas in her car and I always wonder how he can be ok with that when she is out driving the kids around?!?! Like happymom, I stay at home as well now and it's not easy and it's a huge financial adjustment when you are "relying" on one income, especially after be use to being independent and having your own cash. The difference is, your husband shouldn't be making you feel like you have to answer to him financially - to me, that's just wrong. I don't want to make you feel worse about a bad situation, but your husband needs to get a grip. You are suppose to be a team and it doesn't appear that you are right now. He can trust you to raise the children, but he doesn't trust you with the bank account? Doesn't make sense to me - and it shouldn't make sense to him either.

I think you definitely need to talk to him about this situation - and if he isn't willing to listen, then definitely take a job...and if he isn't willing to help you out with the kids once you do have the job...then that's a whole other decision will you have to make at that time regarding your marriage. Don't let your children think this is an ok way to live.

Good luck!

Last edited by luckydarlin; 06-11-2008 at 06:01 AM.

Old 06-11-2008, 05:18 PM   #9
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jo5086 HB User
Re: Issues with me going back to work

my cousins parents are exactly like this. the dad is so controlling with money and did not allow her to get a job until the youngest turned 25, and when she did get a part-time job, he wouldn't speak to her for weeks.

{removed} once the kids were old enough, he beat them (he eventually stopped), although he never hit her. she had to get money from her sister for the kids' school supplies, for food, for tampons, everything. the kids called their aunt whenever they needed clothes, etc.

she became an alcoholic, obese, depressed with life. now shes somewhat on the mend, but she lived under that control for 30 years.

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 06-13-2008 at 01:24 PM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

Old 06-12-2008, 06:20 AM   #10
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KeltoKel HB User
Re: Issues with me going back to work

Wow, in a nutshell, he has all the control in this relationship. You get no money for yourself, and you are not allowed to earn any of your own. He has all the control over the bank account? I am sorry, but if you were to divorce, you get half of his bank account - because it is your money too!

He does sound awful Brooke. I know you posted a little while ago with him not helping you around the house and him even getting mad when you would take time for a shower.

I don't know what else to say, but that you should not put up with him. I don't blame you for wanting to work. Goodness, you have family to watch the girls - that is the perfect situation. Think about WHY he doesn't want you to work. Control, control, control.

Keep us posted.

Old 06-13-2008, 06:07 AM   #11
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Issues with me going back to work

Hi Brooke. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.

Old 06-13-2008, 10:54 AM   #12
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Re: Issues with me going back to work

Brooke, I read your old posts and I'm surprised that you are still with this guy.He was abusive when you were dating, awful during and after your first pregnancy, you got the guts to leave, and then you go back and have another baby with him? Why are you with this guy??? He is THAT bad!

Take it from someone who's been there: you are in a world of hurt as long as you stay with the guy. He's not going to change and your kids will have the privelege of being exposed to this type of behavior as well. You should have left him years ago.

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