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  • Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

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    Old 06-16-2008, 01:02 AM   #1
    Giant_Squid
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    Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    I want to say maybe a month ago my girlfriend (19) wanted to break up with me (21) after 6 months because I asked her to go down on me after she said no a couple other times (over the course of a few weeks). {removed} Well, she ended up forgiving me, and to be honest since then things have been getting better and better every day. Right now I would say were at a high point in our relationship since we met.

    We started to actually communicate with each other, with a little coaxing by her sister. We got all our problems out on the table and straightened them all out...or so I thought.

    This could get very long, so I'll try to shorten it as much as possible.

    She goes to a different school than me which ran about a month longer than mine did, while she was in school she didn't have a whole lot of time for me because of studying and stuff. And lives with her parents, which still kinda keep a short leash on her for someone her age. But I suppose they have a right to since she does live at home. Now my problem lies in the amount of time I get to spend with her, and another woman.

    One of our problems that we talked out was the amount of time we get to spend together, its not very much. When I do see her I never get to spend the entire day with her. Literally every date i've been on with her has either went like "go to eat, go home" or "go see a movie, then go home". Partly because of her parents and partly because of her school work she's never spent the whole day with me. I told her I want to spend more than a couple hours at a time with her, but all she ever seems to say is "well see" or "maybe" or "I don't think my parents would let me do that". Sometimes I just wish she would lie to her parents (I'm not asking her to) or something just so I can spend more than 2 hours with her. And now that schools out for both of us, nothing seems to be changing. Tomorrow I'm going to see her from 12-3 before I have to leave for work. I'd like to take her downtown, but all she wants to do is see a movie because she feels like she'd be lying to her parents if she did.

    Now this second problem crosses with the first. A girl we both worked with comes down every summer to stay at home while schools out. Me and her became friends, but my girlfriend doesn't like her because someone told her that this other girl was just after me in order to spite my girlfriend. I have no idea how true this is, and as far as I can tell its false. I haven't sensed that this other girl is after me. Since my girlfriend can't do things with me at the spur of the moment and never for more than a few hours at a time, I do end up wanting to hang out with this other girl as a friend only. I don't have very many friends where I live. Literally theres my girlfriend, and another guy I work with. Those are my only two friends, but both of them live about a half hour drive away, so when I have free time I can't exactly just get up and go all the way out there to see them. This other girl lives right down the street. I'm getting really lonely sometimes, and I feel like I should be able to hang out with this girl just as a friend. I feel like its unfair to me that I have to sit at home because my girlfriend can't do anything when I have free time.

    I really don't know what to do. I can't sit at home and wait for my girlfriend all the time. I feel like I should be able to make a new friend especially if they live so close. But my girlfriend doesn't like the idea of me hanging out with this other girl even though she hangs out with her guy friends all the time (which i'm completely comfortable with. I trust her). She told me she was going to let me make my own decision about it even though she wouldn't be comfortable if I were to see this other girl, and she does feel bad that I can't openly make a new friend. I don't know what to do, I'm tired of sitting in the house all day when my girlfriend can't do anything.

    I'm sorry if this seemed like I didn't quite explain everything clearly about whats going on. Its really late here and I'm tired, but I needed to write this to get it off my chest.

    Last edited by Moderator BAC; 06-16-2008 at 09:27 AM. Reason: Do not mention other forums on this board. Thank you!

     
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    Old 06-16-2008, 04:17 AM   #2
    daylight568
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    Won't her parents let you visit her over at her house?Can't you visit her at her house and maybe just spend time sitting on the porch or playing some yard games or playing cards or going for a walk or something?If her parents won't even let you come over to visit I'd say forget it.

     
    Old 06-16-2008, 05:00 AM   #3
    Willapp
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    I don't really have any advice for you spending more time with your girlfriend, it's like you said, if her parents are quite strict and she isn't prepared to stand up to them then whilst she's living there it's probably something you just have to get used to.

    Whether you spend time with this other girl is a judgment call and I guess depends on how mad you think your gf would be, versus whether you want her to have this sort of control over you.

    Personally I always strive for equality in a relationship, so what's good for her should be good for you, and if she spends time with other guys then I'd be very tempted to make an issue of her having a problem with you being with another girl. That said, is it worth risking your relationship for? It seems like she must be a bit insecure and doesn't trust you too much which is a bit concerning.

     
    Old 06-16-2008, 05:36 AM   #4
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    I see nothing wrong with you seeing this other girl, as long as you are always upfront about it. Your gf is not being completely fair to you if she has your trust, but will not give you hers. I would be a bit worried about the lack of time she is prepared to give, she sounds a bit remote. As another poster said, can you spend time at her house? Perhaps she is still feeling her way in this relationship after the previous issue, and is a little wary still.

     
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    Old 06-16-2008, 06:32 AM   #5
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    Maybe her parents just need to get to know you better so eventually they will let her spend more time with you? How much have you actually tried to spend time over at her house to allow that to happen? That's what my brother had to do with his gf. Her parents were really strict also, but the more time he spent over there, the better they got to know him, and they finally just let their daughter go hang out with him a lot more often.

    I think you need to work with her on spending more time at her house. Because until she moves out, she's stuck there with her parents' rules. And since there's not much you can do about that, then it's up to you to make them realize they have nothing to worry about when she spends time with you.

     
    Old 06-16-2008, 09:40 AM   #6
    Giant_Squid
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dsheldon
    Won't her parents let you visit her over at her house?Can't you visit her at her house and maybe just spend time sitting on the porch or playing some yard games or playing cards or going for a walk or something?If her parents won't even let you come over to visit I'd say forget it.
    Last night I actually asked if I could meet her parents on Thursday, but they both have to work until late. Every other day of the week either me or my gf work. But I do want to meet them.
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan
    Maybe her parents just need to get to know you better so eventually they will let her spend more time with you? How much have you actually tried to spend time over at her house to allow that to happen?
    Thats what I was thinking, and thats kinda what she's mentioned as well. It just seems there isn't much of a chance since everyone seems to be working at all sorts of hours.
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Willapp
    Personally I always strive for equality in a relationship, so what's good for her should be good for you, and if she spends time with other guys then I'd be very tempted to make an issue of her having a problem with you being with another girl.
    Its funny, she only has a problem with this one girl though. She's told me she has no problem with me hanging out with any girl except this one. However, this one girl is the only girl other than my gf that i've become friends with. Yeah I know other girls, but none of them are really much of a friend to me. But I do get along really well with this other girl my gf doesn't like. I'm almost tempted to call this other girl up and see if she wants to do something the next time my gf can't see me.

     
    Old 06-16-2008, 09:44 AM   #7
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    In my opinion, you SHOULD go out with the other girl......
    also for what it's worth, I don't think your behavior required an apology. You were just communicating with your girlfriend, what you would like. If you weren't forcing her or co-ercing her, you have nothing to apologize for.

     
    Old 06-16-2008, 10:17 PM   #8
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    In my opinion, you SHOULD go out with the other girl......
    also for what it's worth, I don't think your behavior required an apology. You were just communicating with your girlfriend, what you would like. If you weren't forcing her or co-ercing her, you have nothing to apologize for.
    Say I do hang out with this girl, and my gf flips out even though she's realized she was being unfair. Is that just going to tell me that maybe she isn't for me? I guess you guys can't really answer that last part. But my gf really doesn't make me happy...a lot, so I don't want to hurt her. I'm just afraid that if I say that I'm going to hang out with this girl again, she's going to get ****** and not talk to me or want to break up.

     
    Old 06-17-2008, 12:14 AM   #9
    t0ri111
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    You said your girlfriend really doesn't make you happy...

    Then why are you with her? Or did you say that mistakenly?

     
    Old 06-17-2008, 06:09 AM   #10
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    Giant_Squid, you just said your girlfriend "doesn't make me happy...a lot". Don't you see how that speaks volumes?

    You are allowed to be friends with whomever you want, male or female. Who is your girlfriend to say you can't be friends with a certain female when she has male friends? Talk about a double standard! And don't give me the "it's just this one girl" bs. It starts out as one and then another and then another. I'm sorry, but she can't have it both ways.

    If you are not happy then I don't see the point of continuing, especially when she is trying to control who you are friends with. I mean, it's your decision, but I think it's foolish on your part to stay with her. Your suppose to be a partner not a doormat.

     
    Old 06-17-2008, 11:45 AM   #11
    Giant_Squid
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    Whoops, that "doesn't make me happy" was a typo. It was suppose to say "she DOES make me happy..."

     
    Old 06-17-2008, 12:08 PM   #12
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    I think it's better to tell your girlfriend that you are going to hang out with the other one, rather than do it on the sly.

    She has male friends, why can't you have a female friend?

     
    Old 06-17-2008, 12:36 PM   #13
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    I think it's better to tell your girlfriend that you are going to hang out with the other one, rather than do it on the sly.

    She has male friends, why can't you have a female friend?
    Yes, I agree. I should have said in my other post to be honest and upfront with what you are doing. She may not like what you are doing but at least you are being honest. It would look far worse to be caught in a lie, wouldn't it?

    Talk to your girlfriend again and bring up that this is a double standard. If she threatens to break up with you or whatever then that is wrong. There are not two sets of rules for each of you to follow. It just doesn't work that way. I would say invite your girlfriend along to hang out with you and her, but she barely gets time out as it is. You never know though. Maybe she just needs to see for herself that you are "just friends" to get a grip on things.

     
    Old 06-19-2008, 11:38 AM   #14
    Giant_Squid
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    Would you say it would be an overreaction if she were to want to break up with me if I do hang out with this girl.

    I mean I realize I don't need her permission, but I'm also not going to lie to her and do plan on telling her before hand that I plan to see this girl on such n' such a date.

    I don't remember if I made this clear earlier, but my gf knew this girl way before I ever did. She didn't like this other girl way before she even knew me. Before she didn't really have much of a good reason to not like this girl, but I guess recently she's found a good reason. According to my gf sister, this other girl is only wanting to hang out with me in order to "hook up" with me just to get at my gf. I kinda doubt the truth to this since I haven't detected anything from this other girl that says thats her intentions. But now my gf is saying things like "While I won't be comfortable or happy with it, I'm not telling you, you can't hang out with her" or "How would you like it if I were to hang out with some guy you knew was just trying to get in my pants" or "I'm just going to have to let you choose on your own, let you decide if its worth it or not" (as if shes going to break up with me if I do see the other girl)

     
    Old 06-19-2008, 01:18 PM   #15
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    Re: Quite a perplexing and frustrating situation I've found myself in.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Giant_Squid View Post
    Would you say it would be an overreaction if she were to want to break up with me if I do hang out with this girl.

    I mean I realize I don't need her permission, but I'm also not going to lie to her and do plan on telling her before hand that I plan to see this girl on such n' such a date.

    I don't remember if I made this clear earlier, but my gf knew this girl way before I ever did. She didn't like this other girl way before she even knew me. Before she didn't really have much of a good reason to not like this girl, but I guess recently she's found a good reason. According to my gf sister, this other girl is only wanting to hang out with me in order to "hook up" with me just to get at my gf. I kinda doubt the truth to this since I haven't detected anything from this other girl that says thats her intentions. But now my gf is saying things like "While I won't be comfortable or happy with it, I'm not telling you, you can't hang out with her" or "How would you like it if I were to hang out with some guy you knew was just trying to get in my pants" or "I'm just going to have to let you choose on your own, let you decide if its worth it or not" (as if shes going to break up with me if I do see the other girl)

    at first I thought it may be an over-reaction, but if the girls intentions are really to hook up with you either because she likes you, OR to be mean to your girlfriend, then i'd have to say that I agree with your girlfriend, and if you value your relationship, you won't play with fire. IF the girl had honorable intentions and just wanted to be your friend, that would be different, but I don't know if that's the case. If you really like your girlfriend, err on the side of caution and don't get together with this girl.

     
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