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  • newly married= newly miserable?

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    Old 06-18-2008, 11:03 PM   #1
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    newly married= newly miserable?

    I've been with the same man off and of for a little over 7 years. We are newly married and we are miserable. We didn't have a big wedding of any sorts, and I waited so long and so excitedly to be married to him.

    We had some problems along the way throughout our relationship and sought counseling. We even went for premarital counseling. My husband (yuck, it makes me sick even refer to him that way) has known from the first day he meet me how i feel about certain things, in particular, pornography. Please, spare me any dissertations on porn. I don't need to know what's normal, good, bad, healthy, etc. I've done the research and I know it's something that has NO place in my life. And he has known this from day one. And that it especially has no place in my married life.

    Well, despite this fact, and his love for all things kinky, he has felt the need to pursue religious girls all his life, myself included. He acted as if his feelings were the same as mine on the issue, and refused to allow it to have a place in his life.

    Or so he said. Like so many others, he has chornically lied about it and given the usual excuses (I've done this all my life, everybody does it, it's not a real person, it could be so much worse, blah blah EXCUSES). And I've been the ever willing, patient partner (offering other ways to excite him, believe me).

    I caught him recently and he continued to lie about it. Even though the evidence was staring him in the face. He acted appalled that I wouldn't believe him---even though the evidence was right there.

    Needless to say, after many long hours and into the wee hours of the morning, he FINALLY admitted that he had been lying ALL THIS TIME, about that and other things.

    I am disgusted with him. We have been through so much in our relationship, and I was so happy---now I realize all along I've been loving a man that he clearly isn't. And a man, I don't think, he's committed to straightening up and being.

    We've been fighting horribly and now talk of divorce. We've both already researched it/ I could get over the porn if he was truly willing to get help with that and was HONEST and OPEN with me.

    It's that fact that he has LIED LIED LIED about that (and other things) for so many years that it just seems unlikely he would ever change, you know? If past behavior is an indicator of future behavior...I mean, it's been 7 years of lies. Why would he change overnight? It has caused me grave, vast insecurities and understandbly so---the pain is so deep I don't see forgiving and forgetting and being able to be close to this person as a viable option. As I said, I am a religious girl, but I find myself conflicted---I could forgive him---but forget? Ok, I could even forget. But does that mean I should stay with someone obviously so different from me and disastrous to myself esteem? I really don't want to be a spy the rest of my life checking his tracks---that's the only way I've ever caught him. He's never been forthcoming.

    So what to do? I am already detaching for him. I am so sad but resolute that I only cry in spells. I mostly cry for myself, not for the failed relationship. I cry because I think of the dreams I had, the things I so very longed to share with him for so many years. I cry because my dreams died. As for the relationship, I realize my husband and our "bond" has never been what I thought it was. I know to look forward, not back, but it is so difficult to know what to do next sometimes. To complicate things, we just purchased our first home and close next week! He is already asking me "where are you going live for the year before we can finalize our divorce?"

    Unfortunately, I am still a student with one critical year of health clinic affiliations remaining. Supporting myself seems unlikely unless I drop out of school.

    NONETHELESS, I would much rather starve than stay with a man who kills my soul.

    I know marriage is supposed to be hard, and that married couples fight, and supposedly that first year is quite difficult---but isn't this just a bit too much?
    Please help.
    Thank you so much.

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    Old 06-18-2008, 11:56 PM   #2
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    Re: newly married= newly miserable?

    I am so sorry for your sound as if you are in mourning.

    First things first, why are you closing on the house? This will create a bigger mess. And second, why is he asking where YOU will live? You are married and you are buying the house together right? He is making the assumption that you will move out? I would check out the laws there if you do, infact, close.

    As far as the porn...I feel very strongly against it. I think it is playing with fire. Where is the line between fun and downright unhealthy? Are you saying he has been lying for all of the 7 years? Are you sure? Did he admit to that? You are in a raw pain right now and I suggest counseling. How long have you been married?

    Old 06-19-2008, 12:19 AM   #3
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    Re: newly married= newly miserable?

    How bout this...stay with him until your schooling is done and over with...he owes you that much. Just move into another part of the house and tell him you need time to think...then while you are finishing up your schooling make a plan for your future....a future that doesn't include him. No he can't change after all these years of lying and I have never heard of any successful treatment to stop this either man up or you don't. I am sorry but I think you are smart enough to know he can't change and no you can't forgive and will never forget and you have every right to never trust him again...I sure wouldn't. I am so sorry for your what you have discovered and shame on him for doing this to you.

    Old 06-19-2008, 03:52 AM   #4
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    Re: newly married= newly miserable?

    Please do not ever let anyone steel your soul. I know only too well how this can be done and I will NEVER let that happen again.. Good Luck..
    Just remember, never let anyone treat you disrespectful---

    Old 06-19-2008, 05:58 AM   #5
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    Re: newly married= newly miserable?

    Regardless of the porn, he has lied to you for 7 YEARS. He has made himself out to be a man to you that he clearly wasn't. Isn't that considered fraud in some way when it comes to marriage? Isn't that a reason for an anulment? I would look into that if I were you.

    About the house, can't you back out since you haven't closed yet? Unless, of course, it is only in his name and you will in no way be attached to it. You should research into that as well.

    I think you are very wise to realize that he is not going to change. He lied to you repeatedly about many things (so you say) and I'm sorry, but that is just unforgivable in my book. You deserve better and you obviously know that.

    Do you have family you can stay with until school is done? There have got to be options for you. I too would rather starve than be with a man who had so little respect for me that he would lie to me and pretend to be someone he is not. However, it took me several years of my first marriage for me to leave.

    There are men out there who share your values. Don't settle for anything less in the furture.

    Last edited by happymom28; 06-19-2008 at 05:58 AM.

    Old 06-21-2008, 02:00 AM   #6
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    Re: newly married= newly miserable?

    Okay, so I am going to come at this situation from another angle...and I'm sure some here will disagree but here goes. I do not condone lying in anyway. In fact I'm so big on honesty in a relationship, something I have learned in the past years. I feel that if people are dishonest with one another in a relationship then its not a real relationship. Its a fake relationship which I'm sure you agree with where I am coming from completely. Now heres the tricky part. I have found that sometimes when our expectations are too high on someone else; we end up with a liar. Not because we deserve to be lied to or because that person does not love us, but many people when they feel they don't measure up to their partner will lie because they don't want to loose that person. It is right? Absolutely not. Is it instinctive for some when they feel threatened? Yes. When we meet people, and they like you, they want to impress you. The more "rules" or expectations placed on this person the more they feel inclined to be perfect. Even if being "perfect" means making mistakes but feeling they have to hide them in order to not rock the boat because they fear loosing you rather than feeling comfortable to come to you. My point is, the more you make your partner feel comfortable coming to you and being able to "talk to you" like a best friend the more likely you will get honesty from them. If they feel that its always going to be a fight they will keep more from you in order to keep peace in the relationship. Thats just my thoughts on the whole lying thing. In future relationships if you can apply what I'm getting at; you may get different results. When you come across more accepting people will feel more comfortable to be themselves. Just a thought. Its the best way to get to see the "real" person and if its not what you like or want then bail. Do not try and change them. People only change for themselves. Just a thought.

    As to the porn issue. You are entitled to your own opinion. It is afterall your happiness and relationship. He had an issue with it before; lied and said he had changed and obviously has not. Your in love and married to a man that likes porn. Clearly thats not going to change. So you either accept it or its the deal breaker. It seems you have already chose that its the deal breaker so like the other not close on the house!!!! Its not a done deal yet and you can break away easier now then after the closing. Divorce is messy enough. Don't close on the house to make it even more of a mess. Theres always another house to buy; when you buy it by yourself or with a stable partnership. At this point, the marriage needs to be worked out or ended. Buying a house right now only adds fuel to the fire.

    I feel your pain in your post and I hate that you are feeling so horrible. Is there anyone at the church you can talk with to support you right now? In the future I hope you can find a man that holds the same morals and values as you do and I commend you for trying so hard (7 years, including counseling) to make this work. Sometimes the person we love is just not the person we are supposed to be with; especially if the differences that you have are deal breakers. I'm not sure what else he lied to you about? Some people are just liars. Some people lie when they feel they can't be themselves around you in fear of judgement....either way lying drives me crazy but like what I mentioned above when I started to be more accepting I started to get more honesty. And using the "acceptance" at the friend stage helped me decide whether or not I would accept this person at the relationship stage. Just a good way to get people's true colors before your heart is too involved and the relationship progresses. Hope this makes sense. I have insomnia and am rambling...I hope this helps some.

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