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    Old 07-06-2008, 01:01 AM   #1
    blueskies7
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    Question Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    I have been in a relationship with a really great guy for the past few months. Before we became committed to each other, we were having a casual conversation about our past number of sexual partners. He told me his number, (14), and I told him mine (5). Anyways, he told me he's had about "11 or 12" girlfriends and "maybe 2 or 3" of those women were casual hookups with people he was not actually 'dating' -- they were just hook-up people. However, I also know of some women he's casually dated whom he did not consider 'girlfriends' -- they were just women he 'dated' and happened to have been intimate with. He said he's dated a lot of women but many of them he was never intimate with. He also has told me that most of the people he's been sexually intimate with have been actual 'girlfriends' whom he was in a committed relationship with.

    Well, based on the information that I know about his sexual past, it seems like there are more than 14 women he's been intimate with. Trust me, I do know it is silly of me to be so obsessed with his past, but I can't seem to get over it. When I ask him about it, he says he is pretty confident that 14 is an accurate number.

    But it just doesn't seem to add up to me. If he's had what he says are "11 or 12 girlfriends" and then "2 or 3 casual hookups," and then some women who he has dated and been intimate with but not considered girlfriends, then it would seem like he's been with more. But when I press him, he says he's sure he's only been with 14 women. Since almost all the women in his past really did some terrible things to him (such as cheating, lying, stealing, verbally abusing him), I'm wondering if he's casually guessing the number of girlfriends and hook-ups he's had because he does not want to remember details about those women, or is he lying to me about the actual number of women he's been with?

    He has been pretty honest and open with me about everything thus far in our relationship so I don't think he is intentionally trying to lie to me. I know I need to get over this because it's unhealthy to dwell on his past. I don't know why I am so hung up on the actual number. I really would appreciate any advice you could give me. Thanks so much....

    Last edited by blueskies7; 07-06-2008 at 01:07 AM.

     
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    Old 07-06-2008, 02:15 AM   #2
    shamayashea
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    Some partners are just conscious with great deals of numbers. Men are not that very specific with numbers. Be happy that you love your partner consider, accept and understand that circumstances of miscalculated mathematics is possible.

     
    Old 07-06-2008, 03:42 AM   #3
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    Yes, he could be lying, but as the other poster said, he could be simply miscalculating. What does it really matter? Perhaps the "problem" is that you are afraid of being added into his "collection" of girlfriends, of becoming just another number. Well, then there isn't much you can do here: this is out of your control. Anyway, if you busy yourself with the present rather than the past, if you are honest with him and don't do the things the others did to him, the odds are that you are going to have a healthy relationship. Whether it will last or not, only time will tell (I know this is a cliché). Stop asking those questions about past girlfriends. You will come across as nsecure and clingy, you will exhaust him, and in this case you can quickly become just another number.

     
    Old 07-06-2008, 05:28 AM   #4
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    He's probably just assuming it's about 14 but if he put it on paper he'd probably be shocked. I doubt he means anything deceptive by his guess work. At least he didn't say "I can't count that high!" HAHAHA!
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    Old 07-06-2008, 09:14 AM   #5
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    It's really not any of your business, so you need to stop pressing him about it. He did those things before he met you, and therefore it's irrelevant to the present situation. The more you press him about it, the more annoyed he will become (and rightfully so), and he might even break up with you if you don't stop. This has been posted on here before, but usually it's the guy freaking out over how many guys the gf has been with. It really has nothing to do with you at all, so you have no right to judge him and make him feel ashamed of it. You need to either accept that he has a past (as everyone does) or move on and let him find a gf who won't be so judgemental about it.

     
    Old 07-06-2008, 09:42 AM   #6
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    It really has nothing to do with you at all, so you have no right to judge him and make him feel ashamed of it. You need to either accept that he has a past (as everyone does) or move on and let him find a gf who won't be so judgemental about it.

    Thanks for everyone's replies so far. I am really not trying to be judgmental. I'm not trying to make him feel ashamed at all. It's just my own curiousity. I guess I can be too detail oriented sometimes because I like it when things "make sense" and when numbers add up. Maybe that's why I have had a hard time processing what he's told me. I know that he has a past, as everyone does. Honestly, I am just trying to make sense of the numbers. If he had said he's been with 20 people, then I would have been fine with it if I had some information that supported that figure. Even though he seems so sure of the 14 number, I just wonder if he's miscalculating just based on his casual estimation of previous gfs and bed friends.

     
    Old 07-06-2008, 09:47 AM   #7
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    Stop trying to split hairs!
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    Old 07-06-2008, 10:46 AM   #8
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    Why does it matter so if it was 14 or 20. If by your calculations it was closer to 20 go with that number and move. Splitting hairs is just gonna upset the man and no telling whether he will stick around if he is alwys asked those questions.

    Either accept he has a past (either the number he stated or more) and move on in your relatonship. Or get stuck on this one little thing and possibly ruin this relationship.

     
    Old 07-06-2008, 08:48 PM   #9
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    I wouldn't start a fight over something that really isn't your business. it is and it isn't. Get tested (both of you) and put sex on hold until you are both clean. And then always use protection. Then you don't have to worry about past partners..as long as you are tested after the proper waiting period..and you always use protection!! (of couse it's not fool proof--but it's the only way if you're going to have sex)
    Sounds like you are obsessing. And just because he had 13 girlfriends doesn't mean they all had sex. It's his past. I dont' find a reason to hide that stuff--but some are uncomfortable with it. I personally feel I would also want to know how many someone has had sex with..but others feel it's private. I wouldn't push. If he's honest to you in all other areas why doubt this? just protect yourself always! with anyone!

     
    Old 07-07-2008, 05:38 AM   #10
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    You need to keep your curiousity at bay because it really is none of your business. I'm convinced that in his mind this is a fairly accurate number because he doesn't want to sit there and try to calculate it for you because it's his past and he doesn't want to think about it. I don't know my "magic number" off the top of my head, but if I were to venture a guess I would say 10. But I'm not going to sit here and add on my fingers every guy I've ever been with. Does that make sense?

    No offense, but this is YOUR problem. You need to stop questioning him and trying to add it all up. You are running the risk of ruining a relationship that you really enjoy. I know if I were with someone who were obessed with my past it would get very old very quickly.

     
    Old 07-07-2008, 08:17 AM   #11
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    Thank you to everyone who has offered advice. I know that this is my problem. I don't want to ruin a very good thing that I have with my boyfriend. Since I want to focus on the present and future I know I can't dwell on the past. I'm going to stop asking him because I don't want to start any unncessary arguments. Does anyone else want to share their thoughts? I appreciate any advice since I am too embarrassed to talk about this with any of my friends.

    Last edited by blueskies7; 07-07-2008 at 08:20 AM.

     
    Old 07-07-2008, 09:19 AM   #12
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    I agree with everyone else who has posted - move on from this before you cause problems where there shouldn't be any. Is there anything saying that he has slept with every girlfriend he has had? ...or that the "hook ups" were actual sex rather than a whole lot of everything else? I wouldn't count someone unless I had actual sex with them. Also, if you're upset because the numbers don't add up, won't you then be upset if he then, to pacify you, goes over each and every woman he's ever slept with? Personally, I'd be irritated if my significant other kept prodding the subject - it's in the past and it's not as if he told you that you were the first - then I could see this being an issue.

    Good luck - I hope you find a way to get past this and enjoy the good thing you have...there will be lots of other bigger things in the future to focus your energy on, don't make this one of them.

     
    Old 07-07-2008, 10:01 AM   #13
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    I think that like the other posters have already said is that its in the past. All the people he has been with (and you have been with also) doesnt really matter...whether it was 1 or 100. Its what the 2 of you have now and your FUTURE together not what lies in both your pasts, right??!

    Its human nature to wonder/compare sexual contacts. Some may feel that the other is over or under sexually experienced compared to the other in regard to numbers...Also I know some can feel intimidated by the numbers too? (esp if they vary greatly ex. gf had 4 partners and bf has 20). I normally ask the person Im with how many and they always are inclined to tell me...whether they are telling the truth about the numbers or not...well then thats their problem then

    Try not to obsess over it all. Its normal to wonder, but when it consumes your thoughts you need to think if it really is worth all the worry..if your happy & hes happy nothing else should really matter IMO!

     
    Old 07-07-2008, 10:27 AM   #14
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    May I just ask you why are you so obsesset with numbers? Does it really mean so much to you? Why not to concentrate on his qualities as a person, b/f ? This is what important, not how many g/f he had in a passed...

    Something is not right here... are you jelous of him or something? Past is the past, how cares what was in his or your past? Look forward the future and how your relationships work - will be so much bette and happier!
    I think he may get annoyed or bored counting all the time his ex-relationships. I would!

    All the best to you!

     
    Old 07-07-2008, 02:15 PM   #15
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    Re: Is boyfriend lying about past partners?

    I'm going to go against the grain and disagree with just about everyone.

    It's not splitting hairs when the difference is between 14 and over 20. That's a huge differential. The fact that a person can "forget" 6 or more casual sexual flings is a red flag.

    Now I wouldn't kick him to the curb or anything, but pay attention to him and the things he says and does, and don't be afraid to confront the stuff that doesn't add up. If, over time, this turns out to be the only issue, then you're fine. But, there's the chance that if he's lying about this, he could be lying about something else.

    You're still early in the relationship, and the bad stuff isn't as easy to see. Try to stay objective, and if your gut is telling you that this is something you can't deal with, move on. Be picky, because you are very much so worth it.

     
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