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  • I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

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    Old 07-17-2008, 02:25 PM   #1
    dollxface
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    I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    About 2 years ago, I met this great guy on the internet. We wrote for a long time, and I eventually found out he had a girlfriend - which was okay, cause we weren't seeing each other or anything. But then again, we wrote intimately, and it seemed like he liked me a lot. Months went by, and I became more and more upset that he had a girlfriend, because we were now writing sms'es to each other 24/7. And when he was with her, he couldn't write to me. It went on like that for about 1 year. Then he had been talking about breaking up with her, but never did it. And after I mentioned how heartbroken I was that he was still with her, when he told me that he loved me, he broke up with her. Anyway, additional 2 months went by, and then we were IM'ing one night. We got to talk about how many of the opposite sex had seen us naked (I know, lame), and he said 2. I was puzzled, cause as far as I knew, he had only been with one girl. He then told me that a few days after he had broken up with his girlfriend, he slept with his best friend. He said it just happened, and they had agreed to just be friends. I was crushed. The thing was, he seemed like it was no big deal. Eventually, he told me his feelings for me, and I forgave him. We still hadn't met, but we were sort of in an internet relationship.
    In january of this year, we met for the first time. Immediately we connected, and are feelings for eachother tripled. Maybe it was stupid of me, but we slept together the first night. And after that, it seemed like all he wanted to do, was sleep with me. The next time, and the next again etc. .. And in between, when we wrote together, he didn't stop talking about how much he was looking forward to having sex with me.
    I thought that he eventually would ask me to be his girlfriend or something, but then one day he told me that he would be afraid of us falling apart if we got together. Since it was a long-distance relationship, he would rather just have something going on with me. I couldn't see the difference. We were practically a couple, just not officially.
    Anyway, yesterday we were talking again, and suddenly he was saying that the reason he didn't want to see other people, was because he was too in love with me. Then when I asked about the relationship thing, he said that he thought it would be better that he didn't see other people because he didn't want to, rather than because he wasn't allowed. I found that confusing, and asked if he meant that he would want to see other people if we were together, because he wasn't alloweed. He said no, and started the whole long-distance talk thing again. I just don't know what to think. Does he just keep me for sex? and if he does, why doesn't he just sleep with others? I really feel like I'm being used .. Please help

     
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    Old 07-17-2008, 02:37 PM   #2
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    this isn't really a relationship......
    how often have you seen him?
    I wouldn't put too much stock in this......how far away does he live?

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 03:13 PM   #3
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    He lives about 3 hours away. But the thing is, he's so sweet. I know he really loves me, and I do really love him too. I just sometimes feel that he doesn't show it when we're together. At that time, he just wants to have sex all the time. I don't really like to say anything about it to him, cause I'm afraid he'll get angry, or feel hurt.
    In about 3 years I'm moving over to where he lives - not because of him, I've just always wanted to live there - and he talks about how he looks forward to seeing me a lot more then. And that maybe we could get together then. But I don't get why we can't just get together now. I just really wish I knew where this was going

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 03:26 PM   #4
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    You feel you love him but has he said he loves you and wants to be with only you? What do you do when you're together other than have sex? Have you met his family? Friends? Has he taken you out anywhere? If not, it's possible this is just something fun for him to do and he is not serious. And you aren't saying anything because you're afraid of driving him away. Don't you see that if he really loves you it wouldn't drive him away? I think you know that deep inside and that's why you're scared to speak up. And as far as not sleeping with others, you just have his word for it, right? And in the past he kept something from you, how do you know he isn't sleeping with this "friend" anymore, other than him saying he's not? Believe it or not, some guys do tell you what you want to hear to keep you sleeping with them, and some guys are capable of lying, even if you aren't, and even when they know how you feel about them.

    I guess you'll find out when you move if he still wants to see you for more than just sex. I personally wouldn't hold out much hope. I'd find someone who wants to commit to me and do more than just have sex. I think you deserve more.

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 03:43 PM   #5
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    I've met his family, and one of his friends. And he's taken me out once or twice. But I guess I just think he thinks one of the most important things in our "relationship" is sex. Somehow I wish I'd waited with sleeping with him, and said I wasn't ready. That way I would see if he respected it, and respected me. Too late for that anyway.
    I guess you're right, deep down inside I know it. But I'm afraid to confront him, cause I'm not certain that he will stick around, which means he never loved me. I just couldn't imagine this though.
    As you said, he betrayed my trust once. I don't either really trust him anymore. I'm not sure I ever will be able to again. After he told me, I thought about it constantly for about 6 months (till the day I met him irl). And I seriously mean 6 months. I guess he hurt me so bad, that I just couldn't forget it. And believe me, to this day I still worry everytime he sees this friend of his. But again, I don't like to say anything. He has the right to have friends. I was supposed to be seeing him this weekend actually. We were going to go to his friends party. For some weird reason he warned me that his friends might joke about him sleeping around with a bunch of girls. He says one of his friends was about to lose his girlfriend because their friends joked with him too, while she was around. I just don't know why he warned me? If it isn't true, and just a joke what his friends say, you would think he wouldn't care. But he told me not to believe them .. Strange.

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 03:56 PM   #6
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    So why would you want him to stick around if he doesn't love you? I can't figure out why you don't want to know if he truly has love for you or not. Why do you want to remain in a pseudo-"relationship" when there's a possibility this guy only wants sex? You can't be so lonely that you are willing to be a guy's sex plaything rather than look for someone who truly loves you and not just what you "put out" for him.

    And that's very clever of him to warn you in advance that his friends will be telling "lies" about him sleeping with other girls. Heading you off at the pass, he is. He's already manipulating you so you'll keep sleeping with him. It sounds like his friends already know the score, so should you.

    You can keep quiet and let things go on as they are and hope he will someday "realize" he's loved you all along and hope that magically he will decide you are the one he wants to spend his life with, or you can refuse to settle for being his sex toy and demand to be treated as a real girlfriend or show him the door. True love and respect or being used for sex. Easy choice from my end.

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 05:07 PM   #7
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    I appreciate that you are trying to direct me to do the right thing, but it's not as easy and you think, you see. I really, really love him. I have never in my life been so in love with someone. Ever. What would you do, if you were in the same situation? See, you can't really tell, unless you ARE in the situation. He is my life now. I've been waiting for him for so long, first while he had a girlfriend, now when he obviously can't make up his mind about what he wants with me. But I've experienced that things do get better when you wait and see. I wish I knew the entire truth, if he has been sleeping around and what not. Thats about the biggest dilemma for me right now. But if it turns out that he's been lying, I would leave him. I've promised myself I wouldn't take anymore.

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 07:13 PM   #8
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    I would feel used also.

    In my opinion, he probably IS keeping you for sex, AND having sex with others. I think he warned you about what his friends might say about him sleeping around, because he actually does sleep around and wants to play it off as a thing his friends "joke" about. He probably added the fact that his friend was about to lose his relationship with his girlfriend, to make their regular "joking" seem believable. Personally, I don't think his friends would joke about that in front of you if he gave them the impression he was serious about you. Unless they're just jerks.

    Regardless of whether or not he's a player, it seems to me that he's just not into you, besides sexually. He doesn't want to commit, and he KNOWS that you'll be there for him to have sex with. I'm sure he does care about you a lot, but sex is more important to him than a serious relationship with you.

    It's understandable to me that you're so deep in love with him that you don't want to say anything that would push him further away, but you need to speak up for yourself! You're obviously upset by this situation, so it'd be best to put the fear aside and communicate with him.

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 07:57 PM   #9
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    1. If he can't make up his mind about you after this long, he's probably not going to ever give you what you want.
    2. I strongly doubt he broke up with his ex for you. He may have said that, but if he was so in love with you to break up with his gf, he wouldn't have slept with that other girl.

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 06:38 AM   #10
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    you're living in a fantasy world......you're just his fun on the side when he has time.......you're probably one of many.
    This is not love.......hopefully some day you will realize that.

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 09:11 AM   #11
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dollxface View Post
    I appreciate that you are trying to direct me to do the right thing, but it's not as easy and you think, you see. I really, really love him. I have never in my life been so in love with someone. Ever. What would you do, if you were in the same situation? See, you can't really tell, unless you ARE in the situation. He is my life now. I've been waiting for him for so long, first while he had a girlfriend, now when he obviously can't make up his mind about what he wants with me. But I've experienced that things do get better when you wait and see. I wish I knew the entire truth, if he has been sleeping around and what not. Thats about the biggest dilemma for me right now. But if it turns out that he's been lying, I would leave him. I've promised myself I wouldn't take anymore.
    I just can't seem to wrap my head around this.. it's only as difficult as you make it.. it is as easy as you think.. I know you think you love this guy, but i'm telling you, you have never experienced the way a real man loves a woman... TRULY loves a woman. This may be your first relationship, but after reading your posts it saddens me to think this is what a girl thinks love is about. It's not. At all.

    I know when in the relationship it's hard to see from the outside.. it's kinda foggy, but from an outsider, and from someone who does have a man that truly loves me and has my best interest at heart, like a family member, it's hard to say this man loves you.

    Sometimes the truth hurts, and sometimes we twist the truth because it hurts so bad we'd rather live a lie.. kinda like manipulating yourself. it's only hurting yourself though. Try going out on dates with men who have more on their agenda than sex.. their out there.

    The sooner you let this "relationship" go, the sooner you can move on and find someone one day when your ready who will show you what love is really all about..

    Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 07-18-2008 at 09:12 AM.

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 12:21 PM   #12
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    I've been reading what all of you have to say, and it's made me think about it a little more. But actually MsENV27, you couldn't be more wrong. I know he loves me. Truly loves me. I know he has my best interest at heart too, I just don't think he knows my boundaries. I haven't been able to speak up for my self.
    I have a little update from yesterday. We had a little argument, and that really showed me a different side of him. He was complaining that I didn't have enough time for him, and I said that was the consequence of living so far apart. You know, that we wouldn't be able to see each other all the time.
    Anyway, then he said that he hadn't been doing anything but think of me the last weeks, and he was afraid that he would just sit around doing nothing, waiting to see me. And the time would just pass, and then he would find that he had been lying in his bed being miserable for weeks. And then came the part where I changed my mind about him .. He said he didn't want someone to hold every night in bed, and he didn't want sex, or a girl who could be there for him all the time. He wanted me. And when I come to think of it, why would a great looking guy like him sit around and wait for me, when he could get practically any girl he wants - that lives closer as well. But he wants me. That must mean he truly does love me, doesn't it? I know he meant every word he said. I mean, why would he say it if he didn't mean it? I know, you would probably say "To get you to sleep with him". But no, if he just wanted that, he would sleep with someone else. And no, I don't believe he has done that .

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 01:13 PM   #13
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dollxface View Post
    He said he didn't want someone to hold every night in bed, and he didn't want sex, or a girl who could be there for him all the time. He wanted me.
    If he doesn't want to hold you every night, make love to you, or share his life with you, then he doesn't love you.

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 02:19 PM   #14
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    dollface you aren't living in reality.....this is a fantasy you've spun in your head about how it is.....
    it's not really like that......

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 02:24 PM   #15
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    Re: I feel used - he doesn't want to commit.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Lysander View Post
    If he doesn't want to hold you every night, make love to you, or share his life with you, then he doesn't love you.
    No, you don't get it .. He doesn't want ANOTHER girl to hold every night etc. He wants me. Like, if it can't be me he does all this with, he doesn't want anybody else.

     
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