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  • After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

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    Old 07-19-2008, 10:33 AM   #1
    mommy5
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    Unhappy After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    My youngest is only 1 month old and last night my husband told me he just wants to walk away from it all. We were married when we were 19 and he was the one that wanted it more then anything while I felt a bit young and unsure. However, we have grown up a ton together (so I thought) and been very happy.

    He says that he has put everyone else's needs (the kids, mine) before his and worked his butt off and has nothing to show for it. Our credit is less than stellar and all he wants is a motorcycle and can't afford it and I know if he had one he wouldn't be acting like this. He even admits that his "needs" are all material!! Since the birth of our youngest he has been going out more and NEVER went out in 11 years. It has been just me and him, he was jealous and didn't trust anyone when we first started dating and I gave up all my friends for him and he has been my everything for 11 years. Now he says when he comes home all he sees are kids everywhere and they are fighting and he can't take it. Yet we agreed on these kids together so I don't get it. He says he loves us all but he can't stand all the responsiblites, we owe my dad money as well and he says he can't stand paying him either, that it makes him sick to have to pay him.

    I am a stay-at-home-mom, have no money of my own, haven't had a job in 10 years and have 24 college credits to my name. What do I do if he leaves? There is so much more I want to write but I have a baby in my other arm. Thanks for listening.

     
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    Old 07-19-2008, 12:48 PM   #2
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    And what are you supposed to do? Well I hate to tell him but he can't just walk away from all his responsiblities...there are laws here: child support...spousal support...he thinks he can just walk away and wash his hands of the 6 kids he created? Wow...he's gone nuts huh? Sorry I'm not much help...this is just so sad to read! I hate to say it but often times when a man does something so crazy, there's another woman in the picture.

    Was he being totally serious when he said he's ready to walk away or did he just say this out of some fight or frustration? I know I've said I just want to run away to my husband but I was just venting and upset at the time.
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    Old 07-19-2008, 04:54 PM   #3
    Mileena42
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    I agree with Beatrade, he cannot just decide one day that he is no longer responsible for his children. I am sure a lot of dead beat dads wish that were the case. I can understand his feelings, with todays economy its very hard to get ahead. Sadly, it isn't even feasible for you to work and help out. With 6 kids the day care alone would not make it worth working. Also, if one of his problems is the kids getting on his nerves it wouldn't be good for you to take a night job and leave him there with them with you both working different shifts.

    If you were 19 and been married 11 yrs, he is a little young to be going through a mid life crisis. This is a sad situation and with the new baby I know you have more than enough stress on you as well. I guess you also cannot afford counseling. I really hope someone can give you some advice, but all I can really offer you is a shoulder. I feel for you.....it makes me mad when men do this....and no mother deserves having this happen after just giving birth. I am so sorry for your troubles. Please talk more to us.....I care.

    Mileena

     
    Old 07-19-2008, 05:09 PM   #4
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mommy5 View Post
    He says that he has put everyone else's needs (the kids, mine) before his and worked his butt off and has nothing to show for it.
    It's very sad that he feels that way, when in fact he has 6 kids. Nothing to show for it would mean that the kids mean nothing to him and that's just very, very sad.

    I'm sorry he has started giving you trouble like this. Wish I could offer you advice but best I can do is just give you my sympathy and hope he comes around. If not, I'm really not sure what your options are? Family? Friends? I really don't know.

     
    Old 07-20-2008, 12:38 AM   #5
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    Is he actually GOING to walk away, or is he expressing feelings of burnout from his considerable responsibilities? It is easy to just call him a deadbeat and talk about his duties, but, hey, I have seen similar sentiments expressed by women on this board which received considered support and sympathy. I am sorry that any person reaches this point in life, but six kids from 19 on a single wage??? it doesn't mean he didn't want the kids and your life together, more likely he woke up one morning (as do we all at some point) and thought "Is this IT for me???" with years of the same stretching out in front of him. I feel bad for you too, no mother needs to go through this, and I hope you can both work it out. It could just as easily have been you who is going through this, you have had a full-on family on your hands for a long time now. Best of wishes, Sera

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 07:40 AM   #6
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    This will not be a popular opinion, but I think if someone wants out, you should let them go. Sure, you can guilt him into staying and all that, but why? if he isn't into being there, that is his choice to leave. However, he needs to pay child support, and you should draw up some kind of custody agreement. Rather than sitting around wanting and hoping he changes his mind, why don't you decide if you even want to put up with this nonsense. Either he is with you or not, and if not well good by then. I know it is scary since you have probably never been alone since you got married so young, but regardless of whether he stays or goes, you need to realize you will be ok if this ends.

    one another note, you should never give up your friends and interests for a guy, that is always a recipe for disaster and does not create a healthy relationship.

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 07:56 AM   #7
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mommy5 View Post
    I am a stay-at-home-mom, have no money of my own, haven't had a job in 10 years and have 24 college credits to my name. What do I do if he leaves? There is so much more I want to write but I have a baby in my other arm. Thanks for listening.

    oh that's an easy one......you take him to the cleaners honey......
    with 6 kids and you being a stay at home mom.......
    I think he will soon discover that it's cheaper to keep her.....
    but is that what you want? a husband who stays because he can't afford to live on his own and pay child support?
    He wants to go? Hold the door for him and get yourself a good lawyer.....

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 08:56 AM   #8
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    i agree with rosequartz.. tell him to not let the door kick him in the rear on the way out, take him for what he's worth. after all, YOU gave birth to HIS 6 kids.. therefore, you should very well be paid for being a stay at home mom!!

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 11:23 AM   #9
    mommy5
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    I haven't been able to post for a couple days since he was off work and here but he was his normal happy self! Finally I brought it up again asking him why he just flew off the handle like that and is now fine and he said to give it another week and he'll be upset again. He then said maybe he needs a therapist or something but when I suggested I call our doctor and make an appointment to start things he said to just wait and that he doesn't want to be put on medication. He kept saying how stressed he is over and over - is this depression or a midlife crisis (he just turned 30 at the end of June and had a hard time with that)??

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 01:19 PM   #10
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    Maybe you should call a marriage counsellor and start going by yourself at first. Then, when he is ready, he can join you. I do think he sounds very burntout and on some level I can understand and sympathize with both of you. But even if he is acting "normal" you can't ignore what he said. You should either find a way to talk through it as a couple (preferably in therapy where there is a "mediator") or you should go your separate ways. It's unfair for you to sit in limbo waiting for him to make up his mind about things.

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 01:23 PM   #11
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mommy5 View Post
    I haven't been able to post for a couple days since he was off work and here but he was his normal happy self! Finally I brought it up again asking him why he just flew off the handle like that and is now fine and he said to give it another week and he'll be upset again. He then said maybe he needs a therapist or something but when I suggested I call our doctor and make an appointment to start things he said to just wait and that he doesn't want to be put on medication. He kept saying how stressed he is over and over - is this depression or a midlife crisis (he just turned 30 at the end of June and had a hard time with that)??
    I don't think it's depression, possibly a midlife crisis, but in my personal opinion he needs to be evaluated for bi-polar......
    I'd bet money that he has it. Sounds like my ex-husband.

     
    Old 07-23-2008, 12:37 PM   #12
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    sometimes the responsibility is too much and they just lose it. Sometimes it is more....and they can't be honest about it becaue the guilt is too much...especially with children involved. I bet if you followed him while he is out you would see things that would make the picture clearer...like another woman.

    My ex husband told me the same things...... that he never worried about his needs and that he always worried about someone else and that he just didn't want to be married anymore, and that "all of this" means nothing. He was cheating on me (more than once). So be careful, eyes wide open.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 07-24-2008, 07:55 AM   #13
    mommy5
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    Thank you all for your responses, it is helping me to slowly face reality no matter how much I don't want to.

    Before I go on I have to tell you this. Back in January he started losing weight and went from 250lbs to 185lbs (in 4 months) and looks great. I was hugely pregnant at the time and had a very hard time with it and him suddenly being the "hot" one while I felt like a cow. He was sort of understanding but felt I was overreacting.

    Last night I started talking to him about the situation again trying to understand things more and he told me he felt we were drifting apart. I asked how that was since I haven't noticed a thing and asked if it was just him drifting but he said he wasn't sure. Then we went on about his text messages. There is a group of people from his work (guys and girls) that always text message each other for hours each night. It drives me crazy and I sooo want to smash that stupid phone. But in any case I ask time and again to see the messages and he never agrees yet says I should trust him. I asked how that is possible when he acts so strange with the phone and finally he said it's just that I wouldn't like some of the things the other girls say to him. I got seriously ticked and wanted to know what they say and he said it's things like they like him. He admitted that he likes the attention he is getting now that he is skinny and has all these mixed feelings. I don't believe for a second that he has done anything physically with anyone but I know how women are and I am afraid that if this continues it will become an emotional thing (if it hasn't already). He said he's not ready to give up on our family and he loves us and wants us (or him) to see a therapist but at the same time doesn't want to be pushed.

    I told him part of me wants him to leave and see how things are but he says all the time if he leaves it's over and he will move on. I said I was going to cancel his text messaging or put a parental block on it (the phones are in my name) and he gets SERIOUSLY angry which leads me to believe he won't quit the texting.

    I have hardly eaten in a week and have lost 6lbs, I just don't feel hungry and everything tastes like crap yet I'm breastfeeding and know it can't be good.

     
    Old 07-24-2008, 08:39 AM   #14
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    You and your husband need to get into counseling asap. I think that he is rediscovering himself, he lost all that weight and now suddenly he has other women attracted and paying attention to him. Whether or not he is cheating I don't know, but there is something going on, otherwise he would let you see the text messages. However, you have the upper hand. The phones are in your name; it you really want to know what the texts are, call the phone company and ask if you can get a print out of all the text messages or at least a record of the calls/texts.
    Even if your hubby doesn't want to go the therapy with you, go anyway. Your marriage is in trouble and you need someone to help you deal with everything(other than us on the boards)
    Try to eat, I know that is hard but try to eat at least a little. Take care of yourself and your beautiful children. I hope your husband comes to his senses and realizes that he already has the most wonderful women he could ask for.
    Take care of yourself and best wishes.

     
    Old 07-24-2008, 08:51 AM   #15
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    Re: After 11 years and 6 kids he wants to walk away??

    I agree you should call and get copies of the text messages
    even change your service so that you receive copies of text messages regularly with your bill.....

     
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