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  • Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

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    Old 07-22-2008, 02:30 PM   #1
    LavaGrl
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    Cool Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    I have a dilemma...Ok here goes...My BF and I have been together for 8 months, have known each other for 10 years...He is a great person, has been there for me thru hell this year, done so much for me....

    Now we have come to a point where we spend tons of time together, im talking we go to work and that is the only time spent apart...this cant be healthy, b/c we are starting to fight pretty much everyday...but that is mostly cause of my newfound Jealous attitude..he talkes to a lot of women who are very attracted to him on a social network, and he lists himself as single...it bothers me very much, and every time i bring it up he gets irritated b/c it never used to bother me....he is also talking about wanting a threesome...which is fine with me...but with my newfound jealousy toward the oppisite sex i dont know if its a good idea...or if we should take my upcoming vacation to hawaii with my best friend as a relationship vacation? We both love each other very much...but maybe we are suffocating each other...opinions are needed!! Thanks

     
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    Old 07-22-2008, 02:46 PM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    no it's not healthy, what you're doing.....
    also it's not newfound jealousy, it's your gut instinct trying to tell you something.....listen to it.

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 02:59 PM   #3
    ergo4
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    Well, I think spending too much time together definitely can hurt a relationship. You need to have reference points that are outside of each other's realm. You need to have hobbies and things that you do apart. I've been in a month-long relationship (well, was) and we were together constantly. I feel it is taking its toll -- we both can get snarky. This Sunday we actually broke up and I feel like much of it was about spending too much time together.

    As for the "single" on the social network site, I do find that troubling as well. I had an ex-BF do the same thing and we dated for 2 years. He dumped me last summer for someone else and he, not too long after they had been together, changed his status to "in a relationship". This, of course, devastated me because I had talked to him about it (his excuse was valid though -- I was only separated from my husband and not divorced, he said he couldn't commit fully until I was legally divorced and I dragged my feet on that front).

    That aside, I dated someone for about 5 months more recently and he had "single" on his social network site and he had tons of girls as his friends and they all commented on his page and such. I told him that it bothered me and he kept saying, "well why do we have to put a label on it?" And I said because if you care about me, you would care about my feelings and that hurts my feelings. He never changed it. I broke up with him. He begged me to come back and in his begging, he declared that he would even change to "in a relationship" -- this guy basically said he would do anything to get me back. Now, of course, this was too little, too late.

    I just think of it as a red flag. My most recent boyfriend changed his status to "in a relationship" almost directly after we had the "exclusive" talk. That made me feel like he was a lot more serious. The great part of that was I didn't even have to ask.

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 03:07 PM   #4
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    I need to start out by bringing up your "jealousy" issue. Is it really such a bad thing to expect a partner to acknowledge that they are no longer single when playing around on a social network? I just don't find flirting on a social network while in a relationship appropriate in any sense. I think such a thing would make me second guess my partner's seriousness about being with me, particularly so early in a relationship (I realize you've known each other for several years). From experience, I used to question my own reactions to such behavior until I finally found a relationship with mutual respect. Now I wonder how I could have accepted such behavior in the past. I'm digressing from your original question, but this really bothers me. You have a right to your jealousy in this respect.

    As for spending too much time with each other. I don't know. I think there is a balance that needs to be maintained, but living together IS living together/a relationship IS a relationship. I think we all definitely need to nurture our individuality as much as we nurture our relationship, but nurturing our individuality doesn't mean flirting on the internet to feel better about yourself. It means finding hobbies or a night out with the girls/guys or something benign. In the end, your experiences are still shared with your partner. Some people seem to do well spending every waking moment together; some people need plenty of alone time. It all depends on your relationship's personal balance.

    I don't know if your partner's "single" status has anything to do with too much time together, but I definitely think it's worth honoring your "jealousy" feelings and exploring (together) why he needs to be "single". And, when I say exploring together, I mean not fighting but trying to find a mutual point of balance where you can solve the issue reasonably.

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 03:22 PM   #5
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    "single" status on a social network site when someone's in a relationship is totally unacceptable. It means that they are just biding their time with the person they are with until something better comes up...they gotta keep their options open!
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    Old 07-22-2008, 04:12 PM   #6
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    I would definitely take his unwillingness to change his relationship status as a HUGE red flag. No matter what excuses he gives you, if it's not such a big deal, why can't he change it even if it's just to appease you? It is obviously a big enough deal that he refuses to change it and turns it around on you. That's not good. As others have said, I take that as a definite sign that he's not committed to you and he's still out there "looking" and hoping. He obviously wants other girls to think he's single...and why else would he want that?

     
    Old 07-22-2008, 06:40 PM   #7
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    I think it's very important to have time to yourself/your own space in a relationship - you need to be you without your significant other. You need to have time with your friends and for your other interests and it will make you enjoy your time together more and also give you more to talk about.

     
    Old 07-23-2008, 08:37 AM   #8
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    I think spending too much time together is a mistake, as is giving up friends and hobbies once you are with someone. no good can come of it. Then you create these weird dynamics where it becomes a big deal if one of you wants time away. I am married, I absolustely adore my husband, he is someone who is wonderful and attractive and we get along great. But I do not spend all my free time with him. I have hobbies. I see friends without him. I go on girls weekensd away at least 3 times a year and he stays home and watches the kids. These things do not hurt our relationship, they make us more interesting. I mean, why on earth would you want to spend all your time with one person, even if you do love them. Why do people think it's healthy to give it all up for a relationship, I mean we had a life before them right?

    As far as the jealousy issues, that is kind of a deal breaker for me, dealing with jealous behaviour on either side that is over the top is way too draining. If someone is jealous and insecure in a relationship, to me that means it isn't a healthy relationship, because when you are secure you don't need to be jealous. Some of my husbands best friends are women, I could care less because I feel secure.

    Last edited by jennie250; 07-23-2008 at 08:40 AM.

     
    Old 07-23-2008, 10:07 AM   #9
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    Yes, I think spending all of your time together can be hurtful. This comes from experience...everyone needs some time apart from each other...whether family, friends or sig others...if you spend all your time with one person, you're bound to fight.

    Now I feel you have a right to be upset that he lists himself as single on a social site (presumably my space - which has ruined many a relationship) - if you're together for 8 months and in love, he should state "in a relationship" - or delete his page and you all should have a "couples page" together so you both have the password.

    Now...on the 3some issue....oh my goodness....if you have any jealous streak at all...this is NOT a good idea. My thought is, if you can see your man having sex with another woman and don't mind it, then why be jealous at all ?

    But yes, on spending too much time together...take some time apart...go on vakay with your girlfriends and have a great time - make him miss you!!

    Good luck!

    Last edited by Sugafoot76; 07-23-2008 at 10:09 AM.

     
    Old 07-23-2008, 05:55 PM   #10
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    Your boyfriend spends most of his waking moments with you, fighting, and advertises himself as single online (while searching for a threesome)? What would you say if this was posted by someone else and you were reading it?

    I would break up with him. But that's just me. Regardless of whether it's healthy to spend most of your time with one person.

    I'm 28 and got into my current (and first!) relationship almost a year ago. I've always been the type of person who enjoys time alone and never understood the impulse I'd notice in my friends to want to spend all my time with a significant other for the short few weeks/months they could stand the sight of one another. Then it was time to move on and repeat the process with someone new. I just thought it was so lame when my friends would disappear for a while, and then eventually sort of reappear again. I guess I never met anyone who I wanted to spend more than a few hours with at a time... Until now. My boyfriend and I started basically living together within weeks of meeting and we spend all of our time together save while either of us is at work. We made it "official" about a week after we had our first date and both of us changed our relationship status on various social network thingies - without planning or consulting the other. For me, I find that I don't want to spend a lot of time apart, which is still something I'm getting used to. I go off and do my own thing like I've always done and then find that I miss making snarky little comments with him about things we see or laughing about something together.

    I think it's unhealthy if the reason you spend so much time together is out of a need to just not be alone (which I'm not saying is the case with you - I've just seen this a ton). Or if you're spending all your time in a dysfunctional relationship due to co-dependency, etc. Maybe it sounds lame but I like spending all my time with my boyfriend and he feels the same about me. I like him (in addition to being in love with him) and my life is better from having him in it. And I say, If you have a great relationship with the person, why not spend as much time together as you want? If you don't get along well enough to spend time together without fighting, then what's the point?

     
    Old 07-24-2008, 07:45 AM   #11
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    [.Maybe it sounds lame but I like spending all my time with my boyfriend and he feels the same about me. I like him (in addition to being in love with him) and my life is better from having him in it. And I say, If you have a great relationship with the person, why not spend as much time together as you want? If you don't get along well enough to spend time together without fighting, then what's the point?[/QUOTE]
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Ok, this type of comment really bugs me. I like my husband too, and I love him, and he is a great person and we have fun together. Just because I like tp spend time with other people, doesn't mean I dont enjoy my time with my husband. gheesh. Yes, I miss him when I don't see him for a while, I recently went on a girls trip for 4 days, and by the fourth day I couldn't wait to see him. But that doesn't mean we need to be at each others side constantly. We have been together along time and have only had one big fight that whole time, and we certainly aren't disfunctional. I cannot stand this judgement from people, they assume their relationship is better because they are joined at the hip and trust me it is not. Also, it sounds like you are fairly new in your relationship, talk to me in 10 years, spending every waking moment will catch up with you eventually. One person cannot be your whole life, it's as simple as that. And yes, believe me I'm sure I love my husband as much as you love your boyfriend, and more importantly I like him.

     
    Old 07-24-2008, 09:37 AM   #12
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    Well, I definately think it is unhealthy to spend every waking moment with your SO. Time apart is good and healthy. At the very least it gives you new things to talk about, right? I think I would go crazy if my husband and I were joined at the hip and I like him very much in addition to being in love with him.

    But I don't think that is what is really hurting your relationship. I think it's the fact that he is still "advertising" himself via the internet as single. That, and he's trying to get you into a threesome which I'm not convinced you really want. Those two things would make anyone insecure and jealous. He obviously doesn't care how these things make you feel which leads me to believe he really doesn't care all that much about you.

    I think you should take this as a warning sign to get out and find a guy who is more respectful of you and your feelings.

     
    Old 07-24-2008, 06:11 PM   #13
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    Re: Can spending TOO much time together hurt the relationship?

    [Ok, this type of comment really bugs me. I like my husband too, and I love him, and he is a great person and we have fun together. Just because I like tp spend time with other people, doesn't mean I dont enjoy my time with my husband. gheesh. Yes, I miss him when I don't see him for a while, I recently went on a girls trip for 4 days, and by the fourth day I couldn't wait to see him. But that doesn't mean we need to be at each others side constantly. We have been together along time and have only had one big fight that whole time, and we certainly aren't disfunctional. I cannot stand this judgement from people, they assume their relationship is better because they are joined at the hip and trust me it is not. Also, it sounds like you are fairly new in your relationship, talk to me in 10 years, spending every waking moment will catch up with you eventually. One person cannot be your whole life, it's as simple as that. And yes, believe me I'm sure I love my husband as much as you love your boyfriend, and more importantly I like him.[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I was making a personal judgment against you and your relationship. I wasn't saying that "being joined at the hip" makes a relationship better (which I hoped was evidenced by my admitting that it might sound lame). I don't think that spending time with friends, co-workers, family, supermarket cashiers, mimes on the sidewalk.. whoever you wish to spend time with outside of your significant other, means you love him/her any less. Plus, come on, obviously if the poster had said they'd been together for 10 years I wouldn't have bothered to repond. But they've been together for 8 months, which is more or less the same amount of time I've been seeing my boyfriend so I was trying to give a perspective from someone who was in a similar point in their relationship. <snarkiness> I cannot stand this type of judgmental comment from jaded married people who pshaw at young love!</snarkiness>

    I was simply replying to the question asked by the posting title: can spending TOO much time together hurt a relationship. For me, if you still get along and don't find yourself going crazy after a while the answer is no. For someone that finds themselves fighting with their sig other the more time they spend together? The answer is probably yes, spending too much time with that person is hurting the relationship. Especially if he still considers himself single.

     
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