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blue34 08-02-2008 09:46 PM

In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
i was with someone for over 3 years and he was my first serious boyfriend, the first guy i loved, first guy i was with. And he was about 10 years older too.

I know he loved me. But i think i was young with some things didn't know how to be in a relationship or when to let things go and realize its not a big deal. I think i was a bit too controlling and picked stupid fights. And now i regret it more than ever. He tried to end once or twice before and i think me telling him but we can compromise on this or do this and it changed his mind.

We got into a silly spat on the phone and he broke it off that night and i was very upset and crying a lot. He said he doesn't want to focus on anyone else right now and that he is tired...(probably from driving to see me on the weekends, stupid arguments etc) I told him i love him so much and it will be better. He didn't change his mind. I wrote him a text the next day apologizing for my actions, i love him with all my heart and that he will be going on a trip soon which will be good for you and after it will be a lot better (Keep in mind, this was also an issue we had because it was a 2 week bike trip and a few nights at one of those rallies that seem like a spring break for adults..i just felt very uneasy about it)

He didn't respond to the text. 2 days later i write to him saying the things i wish i would have did and what we should have done and i wrote i truly didn't feel like i wanted it over because of the trip, it just hurt me knowing you wanted to go away without me and i wish i would have realized sooner it may be something you needed and was really important to you. And that i wish i did this and this to make him a little happier and i am sorry for making you feel this way.

He wrote back saying i don't have anything to be sorry about and that he just isn't happy and can't even explain fully. And that he is sorry and just can't keep continue doing this. He wrote he wishes we can still talk even if we are not together. I wrote back saying i wish we can figure something out to make you happier together. It will be too hard to talk to you as a friend. I drove you away and i regret it.

He wrote he doesnt think i drove him away and i have a right to feel how i feel and want what i want and so does he but they are just not the same things right now and he wrote he needs to make himself happy before he can make me happy.

I feel like all this just equals: [COLOR="Blue"]I am tired of you.[/COLOR]

I called the next day saying i hate how this was done over the phone and through messages and i would like to speak to get closure. He texts me saying i got your v-mail before but i am just not up for talking right now. But we will. Im sorry. That was a a month ago. And i have completely left him alone since then. We also live about 35-40 minutes away from one another so there is no potential running into one another.

To me--its a little confusing. You can't speak to me to give me final closure and you are telling me we will? Why not just everything completely overwith if you want it over---have the conversation..i also have some things at his place..nothing major i cant live without but some clothes and odds and ends.

I know its pathetic but it makes me hope maybe he just needs time to think and just feel better about things.

All this was a month ago and it turns out my ex contacted my friend's boyfriend a few days ago.

[COLOR="Blue"]My ex met my girlfriend and her b/f a few times only...the boyfriend asked for my b/f's number. My friend's boyfriend called him a few times for us to get together etc etc while we were still together..My b/f never called him..he was usually like that with a lot of people--just letting them call him.[/COLOR]

My friend called me saying my ex called her b/f during the day. Her boyfriend missed the call because he was at work and called back when my friend and her boyfriend were together.

My boyfriend is going on a 2 week trip with a few people..its a bike trip which i was not so happy about...he spoke to my friend's boyfriend and started talking to him about the trip and that he is leaving this weekend but two guys backed out, its only going to be me and one other guy. The boyfriend never mentioned me and didn't bring me up once...My ex finally said so how is my friend? And the boyfriend said, well his g/f doesn't really tell him everything thats going on with this and then my friend said she's ok..So the boyfriend said she is alright on the phone. After a minute or two they hung up and my friend called me to let me know what happened

she thinks its a sign of him wanting to get back together..she said why would he call him? she thinks he called just to get some information about me because he is not used to not hearing from friend said its also weird how he spoke about the trip and him leaving this weekend and mentioning 2 of them backed out..almost like he is saying it isnt going to be this big party that i was thinking...ALSO--i felt like he may have wanted me to know when he was leaving..we broke up before i knew the exact date and i remember saying to him one or two times, you need to give me the date.

i am more negative with my thinking...and i am thinking he used the expression so how is my friend? My g/f said its just an expression and he was talking to a guy--he isn't gonna be so sappy about it

i am also thinking maybe he was just concerned if i was ok or he felt guilty and hearing that im "alright" he can just go on now and not feel guilty or now truly know its over because im alright...and have an even better time on his trip

my friend said she doesnt think a guy would put himself out there like that---to call an ex girlfriend's friend's boyfriend...she said he has a lot of pride and an ego and he called him..and it must have took a lot to make that phone call and ask about me

she thinks giving him a neutral answer of she's alright was the best thing she could say..she didn't say i was great and she didn't say i was crying my eyes out..its a neutral answer that didn't really say much but it wasnt like she was saying she is fine without you.

i want to hope this may be a sign but i dont know what to think...i was not expecting him to do this at all.

Do you think it is probable after the trip, he may want to try to work things out? My friend's boyfriend even said he can try calling him and talking to him a little bit and maybe give a hint u guys should work things out...but i dont know if that is a good idea.

In a lot of Pain...please write back..

Thank You

Kszan 08-02-2008 11:41 PM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
Two things...

First, sometimes we just don't get closure for whatever reason when a relationship ends. It really sucks and it hurts a lot and it makes it a lot harder to get over it, but it happens. The only thing we can really do about it is try our best to move on, move forward, and eventually the hurt will be less. Time is the only thing that helps with any breakup, but most especially those which end with no closure. It's not easy and it's going to be painful sometimes. But you'll find, as time goes on, that it's going to hurt less.

Secondly, I don't think you should interpret what was said on the phone as a sign. The problem with us women is that we always see these "signs" when we are grasping on to any small hope that things might change. But I can tell you from a lot of experience that every time I've thought there were signs that something was going on which would have turned the situation around, I was totally wrong. Pretty much every time. In fact I really can't think of any time I did this where I was right. And I know that we as women always do this, because we have to keep hoping that it's going to change. The problem is that it doesn't really change. I think that it's really important, especially when you're dealing with a guy who is making statements such as those by your exbf, you have to hear what he is telling you straight up, and don't assume anything unless he comes right out and tells you that he has changed his mind.

Now here's the problem, you're hanging on to this hope that maybe he's going to come around and decide he wants to be together again. But from what reading all of what you wrote, I just don't see it. I don't read anything that would lead me to believe that he was considering it. But I can see how you'd want that to be the case, because you're still really upset about it. It's unfortunate, but unless he actually specifically tells you that he wants to get back together, then you shouldn't assume anything by what anyone says to you.

I know what you're going through, because I've been there. And all I'm saying is, although it's really hard for you right now and it seems like you'll never get over this, you absolutely will get over this. It's just going to take some time. It's ok to be upset and cry a little and feel bad for a little while. But don't become totally despondant and withdrawn. Because you're giving too much power to a guy who, if he's not interested in being with you anymore, then you shouldn't want him, either. It's not worth it to keep chasing after a guy if he tells you that he doesn't want to be with you. It's too time consuming and unproductive, and you would be better off just concentrating on doing things for yourself that make you feel better about yourself.

As trite as it may sound, it's really absolutely true that if you spend too much time staring through the rearview mirror, you're going to miss everything that is coming up ahead of you. And the more time to spend dwelling on the past, it's going to affect not only your present but your future as well. I just don't think it's worth it to pine over a guy who isn't interested. Because if he doesn't want you, that's his loss, and he can go find someone else. You don't need that kind of guy in your life. What you need is a guy who actually wants to be with you. That's what you should aspire to, not getting back together with this guy.

blue34 08-03-2008 08:09 AM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
Thank you for writing me in this time of pain.

The other thing friend's boyfriend feels the same..that it could be a sign..because my ex called him up the night before he was leaving and then asked about me...and i can also say--i find it almost CRUEL to call my friend's boyfriend knowing it will get back to me and you have no intention of trying to work things makes me feel like that is messing with my emotions. I feel if he doesnt want to work things out, then you have no right to call my friends boyfriend to get information about me.

also due to the fact i texted him a month ago you will be going away for two weeks which will be good for you and after it will be a lot better..and then he calls the night before he was leaving so now i know when his trip is..

i guess this has messed with my emotions..i believe him when he wrote we will talk..
i know we will...but i just don't get if you wanted it over for good..just have the conversation i want and give me back the few items i have at your place and don't call my friends boyfriend to see how i am.

Kszan 08-03-2008 08:21 AM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
I understand what you're saying, but at the same time, it's human nature to be curious about someone with whom you've had a relationship. There's a guy I broke up with back in 2003. We were dating for 8 of the most miserable years of my life. I was glad it was over. Anyway, he's married now and has two kids. I haven't spoken to him in 4 years. But every once in a while, I get a message from a reunion website that he has viewed my profile. Why does he do it? Because apparently he thought of me and was wondering what I'm doing. Does he have a right to know? No he doesn't but he's going to look all the same, just because he is curious.

So, again, I don't think you should interpret him asking about you as meaning he wants to get back together with you. Because he is most likely just wondering how you're doing.

And another thing, for the most part, guys are such cowards when it comes to breakups. Because they would rather either run away without explanation, or they would rather start treating their gf like crap so that she is the one who breaks up with him first. I really think that's what's going on here. He's hoping that you'll get fed up with all of this being in limbo thing that you'll finally be the one to end it. Because he's a coward and he can't handle doing it himself. I've seen that happen a million times, and it's happened to me, too, and I can tell you the best thing you can do is end it yourself. Because there's no point in prolonging the inevitable.

And now that I think about it, this might be the best chance you have for finding out for real what his intentions are. If you tell him that you've had enough of this being in limbo thing, and you are ready to move on, then if he still wants to get back together, he will try to talk you out of it. But if he says, Fine see ya bye, then you know it's not worth pursuing it any longer. I think that's what you should do. You should absolutely take control of the situation and not let him be the one to make the decision. There's no reason why you shouldn't be the one to decide what happens. Don't wait around for him, because it seems to me you'll be waiting a long time because he can't make up his mind. Who needs a flake like him for a bf anyway?

vm189 08-03-2008 08:59 AM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
It kind of sounded to me like he was trying to see if your friend's boyfriend wanted to go along on the bike trip, but maybe I was misreading your post. Anyway, it could mean something more, but I wouldn't get your hopes up about it at this point. Either way, the only thing you can really do is keep your distance and see what happens.

Normally I'd be inclined to say definitely don't hold out any hope because people never get back together in such situations, but the last guy I dated just started wanting to hang out again after we'd been broken up for a month or so. So I guess it does happen sometimes, but I don't think it would have happened if I hadn't been ok with things ending and hadn't gone on with life as if things were 100% over between us. So no matter what he's thinking, going back to living as if you were sure things are over for good (even if you still have a little hope that may not be true) is definitely the best option. Easier said than done, I know, but hang in there, and good luck.

blue34 08-03-2008 09:21 AM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
thanks for writing,

i know he wasn't trying to get my friends boyfriend to go on the trip..its a little weird to call one night before to go away for two weeks when you have a job, a g/f and you don't have a that wasn't the case

my friend says it shows he was thinking of me right before he went away and it probably took a lot for him to make that phone call.

its hard not to contact him but i know he has to be the one to contact me next..i think the end of the summer is the deadline for me waiting around..he will be back from his trip soon and thats enough time to call and finish saying what we have to say or get my few things back.

The fact it hasn't happened yet and him calling my friend's boyfriend gives me that small hope...which is hard because i feel like i will be heartbroken all over again when i find out its truly over and he just wanted to see how i was.

im trying my best but this is what i think about everyday and everyday i am hoping he will contact me within the next 3 weeks to try to work things out

my friend said her boyfriend can try to call and talk to him...maybe thats too childish to do though....

vm189 08-03-2008 09:33 AM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
Hi, I wouldn't have your friend's bf call him. And I think you are totally right that he has to be the one to call if it's going to happen. Things might be different if you hadn't contacted him numerous times after the breakup, but now he knows for sure that you'd be open to reconciling, so if he's interested, he will definitely let you know.

Still, I would be careful about "waiting around" for him, especially because it sounds like you're pretty sure that it's just putting off being hurt all over again. You deserve more than to be stuck in limbo hoping that he might come around. I'm sure your friend means well and is trying to be supportive and optimistic, but it's not doing you much good in terms of helping you get on with things.

Still it's really good that you have set a deadline for not waiting around around anymore. I hope that things work out for the best for you, and if he doesn't come around, hopefully you will stick to that deadline and not spend anymore time than necessary grieving over him.

blue34 08-03-2008 09:44 AM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
thank you responding quickly to my posts..its hard to find people to talk to this about and i guess i just need to be able to vent in some ways and hear thank you again

my mother agrees with me and my friend that it almost seems psycho and out there in a sense if he calls right before his trip, asks about me..but in the end doesnt want to work things out..then at that point i need to stay away from him and tell my friends not to answer his call if he ever did call again.

my friend thinks its a little sad because noone did anything that can't be forgiven or worked out through communication..noone cheated or tried to intentionally hurt the other..she said it was very obvious you loved him and he must know you are going through a hard time if he was your first everything.

My friend says maybe he is a little worried about contacting you..maybe he thinks you moved on and that is another reason he called my feel them out and see if i was ok or dating someone else or something.

do you think the answer my friend gave "she's alright" was the best answer she could give? meaning it was doesnt say i am great but it doesnt say i am crying my eyes out everyday. ?

Mileena42 08-03-2008 11:14 AM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
OK I am jumping in here, but have to admit I am a long way from understanding men and relationships. Yes, that was the best answer your friend could have given. After all, what was it he was expecting to hear?

Kszan gives you great advice here, but she stated that everytime something like this happened in her own past and she got her hopes up it never worked out. I have a story myself (as usual) where it did work out.

My husband when we were dating.....had great issues with our relationship (it would be a whole can of worms here to go into and not relevant) but his family was involved, and even though I knew he loved me with everything he had....he stopped seeing me.....I didn't know why but could guess because of his family...anyway...I didn't hear from him for several weeks and I couldn't seem to reach him....(his mom intercepted phone calls and this was before cells) I persisted until I finally got him...he told me he had started dating another woman, they were moving very fast and talking of moving in together, because in his own words..."he had to get over me." I could do nothing but accept can't make someone want to be with I let it go....I was miserable but did not contact or try to contact him again.

After a few more weeks....he called my sisters husband. Just out of the blue....I began hearing.....he run into a friend of mine and wanted to know how I was doing....etc...etc....I let it go. I knew in my heart that he and this new woman were finished....I knew that it never had a chance.....but I digress....I let it slide...I heard for two weeks that he was around and asking how things were...people I knew, family and friends....and one night he called....I loved him so...I let all the heartache go and we are together now..

It's too late to make this story short, but in my experience this is close to what my husband did.....I suggest you do as I did...nothing. If he is feeling his way around, he will do again, and he will contact you when he is ready. I hope I am not giving you hope when there is none, but I just had to tell you that this is how things panned out for me! I hope the same happens for you!!

Try to relax, and get out while this is going on! Dont sit and wait, he knows where you are, and if he truly wants to find you, he will!

Good Luck!

elatedgiraffe 08-03-2008 11:42 AM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
The only thing you can do right now is live oneday at a time and try to adapt to him not being in your life; which you have already done. You can't control him, you can't control the situation, you can only control yourself and focus on that right now. I really started to just live my life and do the best I could even though I missed him everyday and then somehow, someway he found his way back to me. I had even moved and lost my job. He would slightly appear here and there while we were broke up and I got mixed messages, but when he was really ready to come back; he did. Some come back. Some never do. The future is unknown. So hope for the best and do for you in the meantime. Who knows? You maybe feeling so much better that by the time he comes back you may not even want him. Thats almost what happened in my situation. Its hard, but hang in there. Time will tell. If you catch yourself obsessing about it try and change your thoughts or distract yourself. It is a waste of time to anaylyze it over and over and over--it will drive you CrAzY which you already know:angel: Try and relax, have some faith and if its meant to be it will happen.

blue34 08-03-2008 12:03 PM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
wow..thank you guys so much for your advice =) i'm glad i can come here and vent a little

its pretty hard not to contact him or not to text him something...BUT at the same time, its not as hard as i thought it would because sometimes to get a response in a situation like this, its better to give them what they want and leave them texts, e-mails, restricted calls just to hear their voice or driving by their house...maybe some part of him thought i would do this..i can't make any mistakes by doing nothing

I am actually very glad i sent the texts i sent him right after the break up..because i know my feelings for him are genuine and i think i made that known by sending those texts directly after it happened and then just leaving him alone when he didn't change his mind and when we wrote he wasn't up for talking but we of the texts was the night he ended it..i wrote i love you very much with all my heart. it will be better with little things if we give it more time, we are both older now...and another one consisted of i wish i would have realized sooner that maybe you needed this trip and that it was really important to you. And another one was i wish we can figure out together about what would make you happier. it will be too hard to talk to you as a friend.

atleast i got these feelings out that he knows i love him, wants to work things out and want to know what we can do together to make him happier..that way, i don't have any regrets atleast with that..because he knows how i feel.

Mileena, thanks for sharing...maybe i am having false hope but there is some part of me that believes he may not have wanted to talk last month because he didn't want to give me closure or hear me upset... and him calling my friends boyfriend the night before his trip--he knew this would get back to me..and i guess it makes me associate this to my text message saying you will be going away which will be good for you and after it will be a lot better..

i kind of believe if you want it over and done with, why call the night before your trip..just leave the person alone....

Do you think its a little weird or off for me to be associating these things together?...

Mileena42 08-03-2008 12:31 PM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
No, I don't. I think if I were in your position I would take this a sign that he still loved and cared about me. I have always stated and stand by my statement that if you are truly through with someone there is nothing left to talk about and nothing left to consider, and no need to concern yourself with that person at all. I know there are those that do not agree with me.....but lets face it as long as he is still asking about you, you know that somewhere even if its only a little bit, then he does still care.

I still say you should store this away and ignore it....and by no means should your friends B/F call! hard as it is...thats all you CAN do. I got a hunch that this two weeks gone might see him wanting to contact you once he is back......but like I said even if it doesnt come to that...please get out and go on with your life....and do NOT contact him. You are right to be glad that you told him all those things you needed him to know right he knows how you feel and that at least then you wanted to reconcile. HE doesnt know that now since some time has gone by and maybe that is part of the reason he is calling your friends house. I think maybe he DID expect that he would have heard from you again, but he now realises that the ball is in his court.

I wish you luck!


blue34 08-03-2008 02:16 PM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
hello again,

i have been trying my best..i still see friends, i have been working out...its hard waiting..

also--my birthday is coming up after his trip and i have a feeling he probably won't contact me before or on the that means it is atleast another 3 weeks of this :(

i hope he doesn't meet someone new and i hope this trip doesn't make him clearly know he wants it over..

it has been a really hard summer...this tiny part of me thinks he didn't want to give me closure a month ago and called the night before his trip so i knew when he was leaving and knew around the time he would be coming back

my friend said when he asked so how is my friend doing..he meant it as an expression and i shouldnt read into him actually meaning a friend..he was talking to a guy and didn't want to be so sappy about it...

i wish he would just text me and give me some clue as to what he was thinking but i know that won't happen.....

cathy1 08-04-2008 08:54 AM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
As everyone has said...don't do anything at this point. If he wants you he will contact you. One thing you must do is work on the issue that you said probably drove the wedge between the both of you in the first place. If you are controlling/possesive and drove him crazy you've got to change that behavior. It's a hard thing to change as it's driven either by insecurity or simply a feeling that you KNOW better then the other person. Either way, nobody likes to feel controlled (I always say.. put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself if you would like to be told/treated in such a way as you're treating the other person. If he does come back... OR if someone else comes in, you will most certainly drive them away with that behavior.. unless you come across a "doormat" type... and they will hate it but usually won't voice their opinions...

blue34 08-04-2008 04:42 PM

Re: In alot of PAIN. Does he want me back?
i feel it is almost cruel to call my friend's boyfriend the night before his trip knowing it will get back to me, knowing i texted him saying you will be going away which will be good for you and after it will be better...and then you don't want to try to work things out

i think it will actually make me resent him..and my friend can understand why if that is what happens..because no matter what--calling the night before his trip shows he was thinking of me before he went away and does kind of place a tiny of bit of significance and hope

does anyone kind of agree with me on this? ...that its a little out there for him to do that but then not want to atleast try to work things out...

thank you again...kind of venting here...

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