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How do i change who i am? I am really sick of who i become.

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Old 08-03-2008, 01:04 PM   #1
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How do i change who i am? I am really sick of who i become.

You guys know i am a really confused and troubled person. 20 years old, still living at home, i guess a momma's boy. My voice never changed (i know exactly what is wrong with it, and i can change it whenever i want, im just too scared to make such a huge change and i've been putting it off for 2 months now). I have some good personality characteristics, but they rarely ever come out. All my life i have been made fun of for one reason or another, from about 14 years old to this day, its been my voice. My parents are super controlling and i am honestly still a little kid living with his parents, who has no clue how to live on my own. Let alone the drama that happened with my girlfriend that really took a blow on my self esteem. So you can imagine how all of these things sort of made me break away from people.

I really dont like people, especially people i dont know. Whenever i go anywhere and i am around someone i dont know, i basically stop talking because i am scared of being criticized for my voice or just for me. Whenever i try to give it a shot, go out somewhere, maybe with my girlfriend and try to open up to people. I get super anxiety attacks beforehand, and then during i really avoid talking because im so scared. Last night for example, i went out to some small concert with my girlfriend, her friend, and her friend's boyfriend (it was his birthday thing). I made a huge effort of showing up. Today my girlfriend and her friend were on the phone, and she overheard her boyfriend in the background saying how im a jerk, im rude (in a more vulgar way of course), he doesnt want me around them anymore. Because i didnt really talk much to him, i had a few small conversations, and he was all smiles to my face, and i honestly thought maybe down the road i could open up to them. I didnt talk because i was nervous, plus i have such a soft voice its hard to talk when its loud.

I hate who i have become over these 20 years. I know deep inside i am a funny guy who likes to laugh more than anything else. The few people who get close to me really love being around me, but anyone else always thinks im a complete jerk. I have super low self esteem, and i have been sheltered from everything my entire life. Even when i take the first step of changing myself, every single time i am always let down and i want to give up.

What do i do about myself?

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Old 08-03-2008, 07:41 PM   #2
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Re: How do i change who i am? I am really sick of who i become.


It sounds like we have been through some similar stuff. I am working through avoidant personality disorder, so I know all about being socially anxious, afraid, and unable to grow up.

If I had an easy answer, I'd give it to you, but the only thing I've learned that has helped in any way is that you have to stop making excuses and take charge of your life, knowing that it's going to be hard and that you're going to fall on your face.

Have you been to therapy? I only managed to go a few times (money was an issue, and well, I'm avoidant, so I was great at finding an excuse to quit it) but just finding a label for my problems helped me to orient myself in terms of how to go about getting better. It was some relief to go from thinking that I was this singularly broken person to realizing that there are thousands of other unheard voices like mine, suffering in the same way. Even if you don't have AvPD, you certainly share many of the symptoms, so I can tell you that you aren't alone, either. Some of those symptoms being: self-loathing, low self-esteem, fear of change, social anxiety, dependency on family, small social circle, and history of past social abuse contributing to all of these things. I am not advocating therapy (as I have limited experience with it) but rather at least some way to understand your problems.

Any success I've had has come from taking risks and slowly building up a history of acceptance to counter the lifetime of rejection I've had to take from other people, even when it's meant toughing more crap. In the past I've given myself small goals to improve my confidence. I'm not better but I'm better off, though actually my self-esteem has improved tons.

Placing myself around higher quality people has helped, too, though that's more something you luck into. My bf has wonderful friends, for example, so at times I've been able to hang around them, and even though I've always been too afraid to say more than a few words or really join in their games, they say nothing but nice things about how much they liked me and wish I'd spend more time with them. These are college educated, emotionally intelligent people that understand what being shy is like.

Sadly, these people are rare. The kind you are more likely to run into are the outgoing or just plain stupid type that mistake silence for hostility, like your girlfriend's friend. No offense meant to your girlfriend, but if she is a party animal with a bad past, her friends may not be the best people for you to hang around. They may not be bad people, but they also might have a hard time understanding a shy person. Did he know you were shy? I find a lot of people are able to better accept a shy person's presence if they're told beforehand, so that they at least understand that you aren't snubbing them. IMO, if you can't comfortably tell a friend "Yeah, he's a little quiet. He's just shy," then they aren't worth having as friends.

Old 08-04-2008, 12:09 AM   #3
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Re: How do i change who i am? I am really sick of who i become.

First off, remember no matter how awesome you are not everyone is going to like you. You say people that are close to you love you and love being around you. Thats a pretty cool thing to have. Obviously these people that judge you from a distance are truely missing out. Its important to keep these people you do feel comfortable around close. Many of us can make aquaintances but few of us have true real friends. Thats a gift so cherish that. Maybe you need to take baby steps to becoming more of an independent adult. Start saving money for your own place. Start getting involved in a new hobby. Once you make the move out of the parents house and start taking care of yourself your self-esteem will increase drastically. Nothing made me feel more independent and self confident than living on my own for the past 6 years. Yes, its hard but at the same time it will give you a sense of pride. The pride you are craving. Start developing yourself and your self-esteem will follow. And as far as your voice goes; try and get to a point where you can laugh at yourself. If someone was a good friend, makes me laugh and is fun to be around I'm not going to care what pitch their voice is. We all have things wrong with us oneway or another and we've all been made fun of too. If not your voice, people would pick something else. Thats just how it is. So love YOU and love the people that love you, move out and the rest will follow. You're just 20. You have plenty of time for self-improvement.

Old 08-05-2008, 02:37 AM   #4
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Re: How do i change who i am? I am really sick of who i become.

Originally Posted by Lazer 77 View Post

What do i do about myself?
1. Voice: if your "soft" voice is an issue for you but if you have the power to change it, do it, despite your fears. What do you have to lose? You can change it gradually rather than overnight, but don't postpone it. Your fear may be real and warranted, but your desire and your goal should be stronger than it.

2. Self-esteem: You can only acquire self-esteem by doing things, by challenging yourself. If you keep saying "I have no self-esteem", "People dislike me", "I have no social skills" etc, then nothing will improve for you. Remember that even Cinderella had to go the ball; it was not enough for her to have met with the fairy. She had to do something herself. In other words, don't expect miracles to happen. If you are insecure, read books, talk to people who have been there.

3. Independence: I don't think it is wrong living with one's parents, especially when you are still 20 years old. But tuck up your sleeves now and start to work for your future. Study hard to get a degree or learn new skills and get a job. You will be amazed to see how much your whole life is going to change.

4. Lifestyle: Change your lifestyle so as to become a healthier person. In all senses. Eat properly, sleep properly, exercise properly. If "bad" emotions go through your mind, let them pass and keep doing what you have to do.

Hope this helps.

Old 08-05-2008, 08:41 AM   #5
Italia 43
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Re: How do i change who i am? I am really sick of who i become.

dont feel bad i am 24 years old and i still live at home.. I do not work or go to school eaither.. I have bipolar disorder and i recieve disability money.. You are not alone.. Dont let other people's misery being you down.. I have been made fun of since i was 8 years old. It has effected me as an adult i can admit that.. I also get anxiety attacks thats why i cant go to college.. I would try going to online college, thats what I have been thinking about doing because of my illness.. Do you work? If you do, maybe you can make sum nice friends at work.. You shouldn't put yourself down over your voice.. Just be who you are, and if people dont like you for you then they are not true friends or even people you should have in your life in the first place.. Knowing that your gf knows of your shyness and insecurity why does she take you out to meet a lot of people.. She should start out small with you.. Let you meet one person at a time.. Let you get used to 1 person for awhile.. It seems like she is pushing the whole making friends and leaving your house upon you.. That is not right that her freinds degraded you.. Did your gf stick up for you, when this happened or did she laugh right along with them???

Old 08-06-2008, 05:53 PM   #6
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Re: How do i change who i am? I am really sick of who i become.

a few things, first remember, kids are really cruel, but when people grow older "most" realize what jksses they were and feel bad about it and change...I have girls I went to school with that never said 2 words to come running up and try to hug me, like the past never happened. 2. go to the bookstore and look through some self-help books, I was terribly shy growing up, and one book can't remember the exct title helped me out alot. maybe try to move to a new town and re-invent yourself.

Old 09-11-2008, 07:42 PM   #7
Wayne Smiles
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Re: How do i change who i am? I am really sick of who i become.

Life's a Roller Coaster

Life is kinda funny it has this strange way of having both it's good moments and bad moments. Life is all about the way you look at a situation. Yes it seems like life sucks and you don't know what to do to make it better, but the first thing you have to do is believe in yourself. Nobody is going to believe in you if you can't believe in yourself first. To succeed in life you have to approach each situation as if you are CONFIDENT that it's the right move even if it turns out to be the wrong one.

I have whats known as a Social Disability which is my stutter. When i was younger i had a terrible Stutter teachers had to take kids off to the side when i was elementary school and tell them to stop laughing at me. For a good couple years leading up to middle school i rarely talk and never wanted to present in class. What help me get over that hurdle was Self confidence. My mom use to always push me and say never give up, my family treated me as if i was going to be someone great in life. By time i went into high school i had this new confidence in myself and i notice that my stutter has lessen. Now i am a freshman in college and yea i stutter once in a while but i never let it hold me back. I am very sociable and people love to be around me. One person told me "WAYNE your a cool guy and no matter where you are people love to be around you". I guess stuff like that helps push me through that crippling part in my life.

" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

Old 09-12-2008, 05:07 AM   #8
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Re: How do i change who i am? I am really sick of who i become.

I thought the last time you posted you were giving the whole "new voice" thing a go? Maybe I was wrong.

The only way to change things is to do it despite your fears. I can understand where you are coming from in a sense. I was that tall skinny awkward looking girl with no chest and buck teeth that all the boys would rather pick on than date. I could count my friends on one hand while going through middle school. When I hit high school and started to really grow into my body and myself I still saw myself as that awkard girl. Heck, I still do at times knowing it's not true.

The thing you need to do is accept you for you. You are who you are. You can change the voice (which will go a long way in how you feel about yourself once you are doing it for a while). You have to not worry about what anyone else says about you and embrace who you are. You are not a bad guy, you are just so use to being put down that you wouldn't beleive a compliment.

I hope your girlfriend stood up for you with a "he's just shy, give him another chance" or something like that. If not, then you will need to see sooner or later that she is hurting you more than helping you.

I wish I had other things to add, but I think I said them all before. I'm rooting for you Lazer77! I know you can overcome all these feelings you have and really come out of your shell. The question is, do you think you can?

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