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cathy1 08-08-2008 01:38 PM

Man wanting to take on the female role ...
I'm posting this for my best friend who has little to no knowldege of chatting in chatrooms etc etc... and shes found conversations her husband had left up obviously by mistake.... and she is beside herself to say the least. Brief overview: Married 35 years... 2 children.. he travels constantly for work... they have an "ok" sex life according to her, a real "mans" man type. She walked into his office this week when he ran out to the store, and saw on the computer a chat that was with a man. The chat referenced sexual things that were very explicit about meeting.. oral sex.. etc... and then one of the passages was about her husband wanting to dress up as a female and taking on the feminine and submissive role. Shes freaking out of course.... and wants to know why her husband wants to be essentially the "woman" sexually with a man... heels, wig and all. Apparently from what shes described their was another chat window open where he was trying to meet a woman while traveling and talking about meeting for sex. Obviously hes a cheat or trying to be but shes nuts about this wanting to know why he wants to be the "woman" man. I have ZERO clue on why he wants to do this. She also said that in the chat with the woman he wanted to be submissive to the woman and asked her to dominate him with (something I won't mention on here") and he wanted to wear something "frilly" for her..he was very submissive.She copied and saved the chats.. printed them out.. I read them and I'm at a loss .. this guy is the last guy you'd think would want to do this. He's obviously not gay because of his trying to pick up women. Bi or bi curious.. maybe... According to his wife he will make "gay slur" types of cracks also. Shes out of her mind about this and I have no answers to this about him wanting to be the female role with both men and woman.... Anyone have a clue??? She wants to find out more about that part of it before she hits him with the cheating part in general.

rosequartz 08-08-2008 02:47 PM

Re: Man wanting to take on the female role ...
she's married to a promiscuious, cheating gay/or bi man who may have a sexual addiction
what else does she need to know?
don't tell me she's gonna dissect this and try to find out WHY.....
what difference does it make at this point?
The only thing she needs right now is a STD test and a good lawyer......not an answer to why.....

JulJul22 08-08-2008 03:02 PM

Re: Man wanting to take on the female role ...
Tell her that she needs to first and foremost, get herself checked for HIV and STD's and figure out what is going on with her husband. I could not imagine being in this situation and her mind has to be spinning out of control. Please support her and keep us updated.


negot 08-08-2008 03:28 PM

Re: Man wanting to take on the female role ...
I feel so sorry for your friend. 35 years is a very long time to live with somebody who is not she thought he was. I think that the husband has a very complex problem and this is nothing your friend will figure out in a few days. I am sorry that it took so long for her to get this information about her husband. She needs people to talk to until she gets over the worst chock. Maybe she should go to a counselor a few times to try to decide what to do next. Depending which city she lives in, there are support groups for this kind of problem. Look on line if you can find something in your area. Again, I am so sorry about so many years of deception.

Lysander 08-08-2008 07:20 PM

Re: Man wanting to take on the female role ...
The majority of transvestites are actually straight. There are some that dress up in the role of a woman and will practice anonymous sex with men and still identify as heterosexuals because in their fantasies, they are taking the place of the woman. Psychologists have said that these men like women to the point that they want to experience sex through their eyes. There is some debate about this, obviously, but as one popular gay advice columnist wrote, while having sex with another man is a gay act, he had to admit that no gay man would do that while dressed as a woman. Many more transvestites are exclusively into women, though.

I don't know the inner workings of it, but there are websites dedicated to it, if you're brave enough to look. It is more common than you think. My FIL is a closet cross dresser (I'd have never guessed--married, children, masculine, ex-army) my SO has had tendencies that we both explored for a while and then dismissed. (I admit to liking the kink of seeing a feminine man in such dress and with such qualities, but I like rugged men rugged, which he is.)

These guys often turn to strangers to satisfy their fantasies when they fear persecution at home. That kind of urge is not allowed in our society, so they live double lives. I can sympathize, but cheating is not excusable. In this case, your friend needs to be sure that he hasn't picked up anything nasty and given it to her. I can see why she'd want to "understand" for peace of mind, but she also needs to get out of there.

Edit: Also, the man the previously mentioned columnist was writing about was a famous politician, the typical conservative type that crusaded against gay rights. He was found with male prostitutes, dressed as a woman. It lends credence to the saying, the louder the homophobe...

cathy1 08-09-2008 08:35 AM

Re: Man wanting to take on the female role ...
As far as the test for STD's... she went the same day as she read these chats... I got the panicked phone call and it was the first thing I told her to do. Like anything else.. when something happens that you don't understand... you want to try to understand why.... and thats what shes doing.

Lysander... is there a name for that?? that was confusing about a man wanting to be the woman so badly that he wants to have sex with men...I can't even wrap my head around that one (if I even got that interpretation right which I'm not sure of). My friend checked his history and he's gone to bisexual websites and gay websites to look at pics, tranv/trans sites. I know in the beginning of this chat he had with the man, it was very straightforward male/male sexual conversation without the hint of dressing up, so it read like he would definitely meet a man without all the female stuff included... so I don't know how that fits in. I have to admit I'm very curious about this (being an ex psy major and all)... I can usually figure out stuff for my friends when they have questions or problems... but this one has me stumped.

pendulum 08-09-2008 09:16 AM

Re: Man wanting to take on the female role ...
Is she sure that one of the chats was between her husband and another man? Is her husband the only person using the computer? I think that the possibility of another person using the same computer must be ruled out before she can address the problem.

For all I know, this is a serious problem, because it involves cheating, health, and possibly a sexual perversion.

Human sexuality is a very complex subject, as we all know (and seem to forget all the time), and it is best not to jump to conclusions and decisions.

A piece of advice that can be given to her is: 1. remain cool, as cool as possible, and don't think that this is the end of the world and that you are the only one in this situation; 2. proceed with caution and handle the issue with discretion and privacy, so that it doesn't turn into a scandal; 3. give him a chance to explain himself; and 4. find a solution together, if necessary consulting with a doctor or a therapist.

Does your friend know about these boards? Send her our best wishes and regards, please.

cathy1 08-09-2008 09:38 AM

Re: Man wanting to take on the female role ...
Pen... It's defininetely her husband... its only the two of them in the house.. kids are grown and gone. The only computer in her house is his work computer, which is where she saw everything. I can't believe this guy is so brazen that he uses his work computer for this garbage. But he is a computer specialist so I'm sure he has ways of wiping his trail clean. She only has access from work to a computer and since they had trouble with employees abusing the internet, they don't have access to the internet so she hasn't been able to do anything on her own. When we have talked I've read these replies to her. When she has come over we have gone all over the internet to try to find out more about this. She's crushed and also is trying to figure out what kind of sexual "thing" he is into to try to move forward with this. NOt a word has been said to him yet.. I don't know how she is keeping her composure as I would have lost it by now. She thinks he is bisexual or curious but this "female" dressing up is killing her. Shes wondering who this man is she married. I told her we all have secret desires to some extent but this is so over the top that it's left her stunned. I'ts bad enough when someone is cheating with another woman but this is bizzare.

pendulum 08-09-2008 11:54 AM

Re: Man wanting to take on the female role ...
When you first mentioned the word "office" I thought you were referring to an office outside the house, in a business centre or something.

Two things have occurred to me that might help your friend if she hasn't thought about it so far. First, I don't know about his cheating with other women, but probably the female-role thing is something new in his life. I have heard that after certain men reach a certain age, they want to try new strange things (before they run out of time, you know) and can be quite permissive with themselves. I am not saying this is right or fair, but it happens, and it would help her to put it into perspective. Some older men can behave like small children, you know. In other words, if his desire to act like a female is old, probably his practice is new or hasn't even started yet

Second, in order to keep her composure, it might her to remember the good things he has done to her. I don't believe he has been deceiving her all the time. I am not asking her to overlook it, but to remember that the whole picture of his behaviour is not only this unfortunate discovery. It is incredible how easily a marriage or a friendship that took years to be built and made strong can be terminated if only a single bad event happens.

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