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7 Year Lesbian Relationship, babies, stay or go

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Old 08-13-2008, 06:38 AM   #1
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7 Year Lesbian Relationship, babies, stay or go

My partner (another girl) and I have been in a relationship for seven years. I'm ready to start a family...but we can't decide if we should stay together and and have a family, or go our separate ways and look for male partners. I'm 33, she's 32.

We just did a pros and cons list together (which turned into me not taking her feelings seriously and her going off to sulk). The list looks like this...

Pros: Relationship is comfortable, have fun together, household chores defined, she would make a good parent, travel well together, share most of the same key values, cuddles are nice, happy memories/history, we are best friends, she does thoughtful things for me, she is physically attractive, she takes control of things (ie. finance stuff), financially secure, our life is very happy 95% of the time.

Cons: Her parents don't know we're together (they're Catholics and have reacted badly to her sister who is gay), she sulks over issues I consider unimportant, I'm blaze/don't care about things, she can be a bit controlling (only slightly), we have slightly different 'money' values, I don't care about the finance situation, maybe we're just friends (not lovers).

We have been in this state of limbo now for about three years - should we stay or should we go? And neither of us can make the decision. I feel like I would like to be in love with a man and have a family. But how can I leave when we have such a good life and I'm happy 95% of the time - how many couples can say that. I think I would be making the biggest mistake of my life to walk away from a happy relationship. On the other hand, both of us don't think we are 'gay', we almost never make love (and don't really want to). But she would make a great parent and I really think we could do it together. And of course we both have some reservations about having children in a same sex relationship.

We need to make a decision - should we stay or should we go?

Any advice?

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Old 08-13-2008, 07:24 AM   #2
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Re: 7 Year Lesbian Relationship, babies, stay or go

I wish I had a crystal ball that would answer all your questions and they be totally right. No one can really tell you to leave or stay, thats something you both will have to work out on your own. The way I am reading your post is that you are happy together but you both feel you might be missing out on something. Maybe you are, and maybe you aren't. It sounds to me that your problems are coming from not having a family or maybe feeling the bio clock ticking and thinking its TIME!
True, you are both in your 30s and you should be concerned as sadly we women can't keep giving birth all our lives.

Like I said the choice to stay or go has to be your own.....but I would caution you to remember that a relationship with a man can be very different than with another woman and emotionally unsatisfying (at times). It sounds as though you both are very good friends and can communicate very well. You didn't say if you had ever had a serious relationship with a man, or if she had?

I wish I could be of more help, but I am kind of at a loss as to what to tell you. I think you have to dig down deep to find out what it is that you "think" you might be missing out on......being happy 95% of the time is hard to beat, as a matter of fact I don't think I have ever heard anyone say that before. If I were happy that much I would be afraid to move thinking I might jinx it somehow! That 100% mark just might not be out there for you.


Old 08-13-2008, 07:38 AM   #3
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Re: 7 Year Lesbian Relationship, babies, stay or go

If you would like to fall in love, and you are not in love with her ( and nowhere in your post did you mention love at all), then I think it would be unfair to bring children into this very confusing, kinda-sorta-not-really-a relationship. You are roommates with this person, you are not in a romantic love relationship with her. If you are to stay together, you need to redefine your relationship, and make it clear it is just a friends and roommates kind of thing and if you want to know real love, then that's what you should do. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life and formulate a plan to get it before you start bringing kids into the mix.

I must say, though, I'm confused that you say you are so happy almost all the time, yet you long for love with a man and children. I'm thinking you couldn't have that strong a yearning for these things, or you wouldn't be so happy with the way things are now. You also say you really don't think you are a lesbian. Then why are you living like one? Again, you have a lot of work to do on your life and figuring out who you really are and what you really want in life before you start thinking about kids

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-13-2008 at 07:50 AM.

Old 08-13-2008, 07:41 AM   #4
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Re: 7 Year Lesbian Relationship, babies, stay or go

I will give a very swift answer.

Since there is real possibility that you are just friends, you could also pursue this friendship under different circumstances. I mean , if it is a real friendship, it will last, no matter what, although it may lose some of its intensity.

It is almost like having the cake and eating it. Maybe you could do that (be married to men and remain friends), but only time will tell.

If the very question has come up to you (stay or go?), maybe you should go. We are always losing something, anyway, except memories.

Last edited by pendulum; 08-13-2008 at 07:42 AM.

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