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Horrible at intimacy, afraid of it, deep feeling of not love to fix this

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Old 08-14-2008, 08:53 PM   #1
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Horrible at intimacy, afraid of it, deep feeling of not love to fix this

I have this problem that has been stemming from me since I was about 17. I am now 26. I grow up with a narcissitic father who constantly critized me, invaded my personal space, compared me to others, belittled me infront of others, and made me responsibilty for all his needs. I suffered severe depression from mid high school all the way through college. I had this deep feeling of being detached from people, never feeling accepted or loved. I always have this feeling that people don't want me around or want to get rid of me. Ive been betrayed and used a lot by so called 'friends' and have most of my life never felt like people like me for who I am, but rather for what they can get out of me. I cannot get intimate with a girl. I have had a stem of flings...probably been with about 40 girls sexually. Most of them I meet when drunk because I am pretty shy otherwise. Some of them I will see for maybe a week at most. I have had one relation that was about 3 months but the girl lived in another town and I really didnt like her because she slept with a bunch of other guys and was kind of a low life. For whatever reason I have never felt worthy of getting and staying with a girl that I really like and this depression has been ongoing. I have had a lot of girls interested in me....probably a good 80 or so, but I neveer feel good enough to pursue with the right girl. And acntually I find that I really dont like any girls. I think I will like them but I always find flaws increadibly fast or something.(i cant really explain it) But I think it has to do with the fact that I don't like how can I like another if I dont even like my self? I have the same problems with male friends, I always kind of feel like they don't want me around. Anyhow I don't know if anyone could give some advice about this. I always feel increadibly lonley, like no one understands me. I always think that people are makeing fun of me behind my back or trying to sabatoge me. Maybe a little paranoia?I drink a lot...which I have tried to cut down, but I always regress.

I have a deceant amount of friends but most of my time outside of work is by myself. I go out on the weekends with friends and that is about it. I wouldnt consider myself a 'loaner' but I do always feel seperate from people even when I am with them.

Last edited by Mr.G; 08-14-2008 at 09:02 PM.

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Old 08-14-2008, 09:34 PM   #2
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Re: Horrible at intimacy, afraid of it, deep feeling of not love to fix

I think all of your troubles stem from your father. You say you always find flaws in others, well that behavior has been given to you from your father. As a result, you reject most people becuase your dad did this to you and you also dont have alot of self confidence because of the way you were treated growing up. I would personally try not to be so critical of others. You may want to see a therapist.

Old 08-15-2008, 05:54 AM   #3
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Re: Horrible at intimacy, afraid of it, deep feeling of not love to fix

I agree that many of your "problems" stem from a poor parenting by your father rather than from your father.

But here is your task now: to make lemonade out of lemons!

You can't fix your father and you can't fix your past. Now stop "crying" about your past and your father, and do something for your life.

I think your life, as you describe it in your post, lacks an objective, a direction. You are driving your car but you don't know where to. This could be fun, but it could also be dangerous.

You have to set yourself a few goals and then strive to reach them. It may take a rather long time for you to make it happen, but you must be tough.

Try to replace the alcohol with physical activity. Think of your body as a "holy" place. It won't last for ever, but the better you take care of it, the longer it will be useful for you. Alcohol is not the best fuel to make it work.

Perhaps you are looking for the right girl in the wrong places. You don't have to be intimate with a girl until she gives you the sign. A girl is not only a person for you to be intimate with. Perhaps you should try first to make friends with girls, so that you can have a better understanding of them. In other words, I think you might be looking at girls as "something" to use and drop. There is a lot more to girls than that.

You say you don't like yourself. This is a serious statement. Maybe you mean to say that you are not proud enough of yourself. In other words, maybe you are not doing things that might give you a sense of being useful. Maybe you should start doing some voluntary work. This kind of work will make you feel "important" and thus you may improve your self-esteem.

And are preparing yourself for a better position? You are still young. You still have the chance of educating yourself better. Don't lose this window of opportunity. At a later age, it may be more difficult for you to learn skills or get a degree.

Last edited by pendulum; 08-15-2008 at 05:55 AM.

Old 08-15-2008, 01:07 PM   #4
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Re: Horrible at intimacy, afraid of it, deep feeling of not love to fix

There's a flip side to this.....while the past is what you cannot change, how you utilize it in maturity vs. immaturity can change and is wtihin your control to make the changes you want made.

The reason you're not attached to anybody - is that you're not attached to you. the reason that you're not interested in other people - is that you're not interested in you.

The roadmap you have to the relationship with self- is the one you use to create a relationship with other people.

You're likely expecting wahtever you offer to them in the tangible and external ways - to lead to an internal and emotional bond and companionship. It doesn't work like that. Which is why you think you're always being "used" -by people that take what you freely offer.

Old 08-15-2008, 01:08 PM   #5
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Re: Horrible at intimacy, afraid of it, deep feeling of not love to fix

Yah I agree it has to do with my father. I gotta try to kick the alcohol thing. I am considering going into the airforce to get my life on track and have a purpose and direction. I do have a college degree in criminal justice with a minor in pyschology. I also have a pilot's license and a CDL. Been out of college for 2 yrs and have not found a career job yet with that combination. I think the airforce might be the answer. anyhow yah I am going to work on getting to know girls better. I never been a 'user'. It is more of a feeling of not being comfortable being with them long or I get the feeling that they dont like me so I leave them. It is almost like a pre-rejection thing to save myself from feeling like IM a loser or something. I think I do this unconsciously with others and self-perptuate the responses from others that reinforce my beliefs of not being liked. I am too afraid of showing any kind of vunerablilty or weakness and hide my insecurites.

Last edited by Mr.G; 08-15-2008 at 01:16 PM.

Old 08-15-2008, 02:53 PM   #6
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Re: Horrible at intimacy, afraid of it, deep feeling of not love to fix

maybe a bit of narcisism now that I have been exameing myself I am thinking this may be the cause of it. I am going to work on it.

Last edited by Mr.G; 08-15-2008 at 02:54 PM.

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