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jess86 08-15-2008 07:13 AM

Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
This is starting to sound like a broken record I know...But I really appreciate everyone's comments. It does really help me feel more independant and stronger. Would like to see more comments from guys though! Its good to get there side of things too.

Ok well, this is my problem. It happened about a month ago now, oviously im finding it hard to forget about. I was going through some really hard times, trying to deal with an eating disorder, one I have been struggling with for about five years. I couldnt help myself enough, so I went into the hospital for about a month. The problem, are the few things my boyfriend did while I was in there.
On the outside, It appeared as if everything were fine. I was talking to him everynight before bed, he was coming in everyday to see me, brough me flowers and seemed genuinly concerned. I didnt let anything negative enter my brain about what he might be doing on the outside, ever. It would of drove me crazy. Because, I dont trust me as far as I can throw him ( awful I know).
A little bit of background, the girl I have talked about before, the one he cheated on me with, ONLINE, he was not supposted to be talking to. The day before I was hospitalized, he deleted her off of ********. Come to find out two days after I went into the hosptial, he re-added her and sent her a note about how " how down he was" and how he wished she was online so he could talk to someone. No meantion of me, or why he was upset.
He never told me any of this. And once again, he reached out to HER of all people, and another girl in general.
F'up #2...he invited his best friends sister over for a drink and smoke one night after her graduation. HE never told me that either. I had to find out from my mom. The girl went and told me best girlfriend ( confused by his intentions), who then told my mom, who then told me. I firmly believe there was something "more" behind that. Not just a normal congradulations on graduating.
#3. I do not approve of porn. SO he has been doing his best at not looking at it, and for a few months hadnt until about two weeks into being in the hospital he came in and asked me if it was ok for him to look at it just while I wasnt able to "help him"... I told him yes as long as it ended when I got him.
Come to find out he filled out a profil on adult friend finder. He says he did it because the typical videos he would look at werent loading and he saw an ad for free webcam videos. He proceeded to fill out a profil on this site to get the free webcams. But then it asked for a credit card and he says he tryed to erase the profil.
It makes me sick to think he didnt see it was crossing the line, trying to look at a live webcam video of some other woman, for his personal pleasure. Thats way too much. I was physically sick after finding this MYSELF, and couldnt believe it!..

He kicked me while I was down. I was in the hospital and giving me a fault idea of how things were going, but at home, he was doing all of these shady things! The whole show me put on for me, now feels fake and I cant believe how betrayed,I still feel.
Things have calmed down and are more stable. But it always in the back of my head when he going to do something else. But were trying to work it out, and he says he going to regain my trust.

Something held me back from leaving him once again. I wanted to so bad after finding all that out. Its like Im trying to fix him or something, giving him chances after chances. I dont know what Im doing.

SOrry so long:(

ICFK1 08-15-2008 07:35 AM

Re: Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
Hon, you're not in a place where you like, admire, trust, accept, love yourself as an individual.

So you want an association with someone to give you a positive identity, security, and a way to like yourself thru their approval and desire for you - becuase you don't like you.

Without self-esteem, you can't attract people that are secure, mature, complete, and responsible...and you'd be better off in no relationship than in this association.

pendulum 08-15-2008 07:52 AM

Re: Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
I will not address every aspect of your case, but just one: your health.

How about your eating disorder? Did you finally find a solution, a cure, a treatment, whatever?

I think you should focus on this: on regaining your health.

Apparently your current boyfriend is not being supportive of your efforts. He seems to be overlooking your needs.

Maybe you should stay away from him until you are ok again. Maybe you will find out that he is not the one.

Kszan 08-15-2008 08:23 AM

Re: Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
This guy is so, so, SO not worth your time!! If you were my friend in real life, I'd seriously shake you and make you understand why it's stupid to stay with this guy. There's nothing there. There's no love, respect, mutual adoration, nothing. It's just a big old wad of crap, basically. I really just hope that you will listen to me when I tell you, this guy is NOT for you. He doesn't treat you well, he lies, he lies again, and then he lies some more. You've already said you don't trust him. If you can't trust him, there's no foundation. And what happens to a house with no foundation? It falls. Your relationship is completely and totally cracked to the core, and there's nothing left to hang on to. The sooner you get rid of this guy, the sooner you can start focusing on you, your health (both of which need to be your first priority), and rebuilding your self esteem.

I know that part of the problem is that women especially who have eating disorders tend to have very bad self-esteem. And that's probably why you're staying with a guy who treats you so bad. Because you honestly believe that you don't think you can find anyone else. I can tell you from experience that's completely not true. And although you might have to spend some time alone (which would actually be good for you), you will totally find a much better guy than this shmoe. He's a tool. And he doesn't deserve you. You're way better than this, and I hope that you will please just love yourself and honor yourself, and get rid of him. Please just do this. Your recovery from your eating disorder will be so much more meaningful and true if you get rid of this extremely negative thing in your life that is doing more to screw you up than to even remotely help you in any way.

Kszan 08-15-2008 08:36 AM

Re: Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
One more thing, Jess. Every girl dreams of having that Disney ending where the prince comes and save them from their life and they live happily ever after. The problem is that so many girls keep thinking they can change the guy and if they're just patient enough and try hard enough and do whatever the heck he wants, that somehow he will magically turn into this prince who will totally sweep them off their feet. The problem with this is that guys are inherently flawed and they will never be that prince. That prince doesn't exist.

There are some guys who legitimately try really hard to do right by their woman and really make an effort. Recognizing that there will be times when he'll screw up, but he acknowledges that he did wrong and the girl forgives, and they move on. That's actually more of a prince than your boyfriend.

The problem with your boyfriend is that he's that jerk of a cousin of the prince who is jealous of everyone and everything, and he's got major issues of his own, so the way he deals with it is to lie and cheat and be an idiot. So you're sitting here thinking the prince's cousin is "good enough" for "right now" and that's why you're putting up with it. But you have to someday realize how much time you're wasting with this lame cousin of the prince when you could actually have the prince, the one who - while he's gonna make mistakes and not be totally perfect - he's going to actually care about your feelings and he's going to care about how his actions affect you.

Your boyfriend doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about your feelings. And I'm actually questioning whether he even loves you. But the good news is that it's not because of any flaws you have. So you shouldn't assume it's anything you did wrong. It's so totally not! The reason why he doesn't care about you is because he's just one of those idiot shmoe guys who totally suck and who shouldn't even be in a relationship until he gets all of his act together and becomes a man. Until that happens, he's going to be the worst boyfriend ever, and the longer you stay with him, the more you're wasting your time with this guy who can't even remotely begin to understand what it means to respect and live his partner and actually give a rat's behind about how his actions will hurt you.

happymom28 08-15-2008 10:49 AM

Re: Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
Jess86 you have to see that he is no good for you. You just have to. You are not compatible at all.

Honestly, I would have to question this guy's feelings for you after all he has done to hurt you. He hides things and makes your low self esteem (forgive me for assuming but I struggled with an eating disorder once myself and I know how I felt at that time) even worse. He is the LAST person you should be around if you ever want to overcome your disorder.

Please, kick him to the curb once and for all. I don't know what is holding you back and you don't have to tell me. But I do know that there are so many better options out there for you. You need to learn how to love yourself and once you do you will see him for the scumbag he truly is.

Not to get too personal, but do you see a therapist? I would imagine if you were and you were telling him/her about this "boyfriend" they will tell you that he is no good for you. I would think they will tell you losing him would be the key to getting yourself back.

jess86 05-06-2009 05:14 PM

Re: Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
I just wanted to write a big THANK YOU! To everyone who gave me advice during that rough relationship I was in. Pretty much all of my posts were about him and our relationship. I am happy to announce, I Finaly Broke it off!! :) It was about 8-9 months ago, and I have reeeally enjoying being single and getting to know myself for... really the first time.
I feel so much better.
Thanks again for your great responses, help and encouragement :)

trystme 05-07-2009 06:13 AM

Re: Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
Congratulations, Jess!

Kszan 05-07-2009 08:16 AM

Re: Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
That's great news! I'm glad to see that someone around here is following our advice. ;)

Good luck and best wishes! :D

Redneon82 05-07-2009 09:06 AM

Re: Me again, same Boyfriend, new issue..
A few years ago I split with a boyfriend who I thought was the love of my life. I thought I was devastated...I cried, didn't want to get out of bed, went to work HOURS late, didn't eat...but one of my co-workers took me aside and told me that he noticed how much happier I was since we broke up! I didn't realize it because I was too busy mourning the relationship and wanting him back. But I was free from all the issues that we had (he was a drug addict among other things and hid that from me) and because of that, I was able to relax and be free from the stress of dealing with him.

So, good for you! I bet your life is much less stressful now!

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