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Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

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Old 08-18-2008, 07:30 PM   #1
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eternitybc HB User
Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

I want to get rid of my civic, of 3 years, and get a beetle. He said (partner of 8 years, bought a place together 1 year ago) no way- it's a girl car he doesnt want to drive it. If i want a new car, get something cool we both like.

I want a kitten- he said no way, we just bought new leather furniture, and a tv it could knowck over- we live in a small condo so it's cruel to the cat, etc. So no kitty.

I want to quit my job, the look for a enw one. He said no- find a new job first. We have a mortgage etc and we can't afford no money.

When we first met, I was 19, and wanted to get married have kids. He said he wanted to wait. Now, *I* don't want to have kids- I'm not sure at all! But he still wants to have them at 30. SO thats what we've agreed on

Sometimes, I feel like he's calling all the shots. I have to mention it IS that time of month, and I do get emotional/sensitive. And to be fair, I do make lots of decisions on my own. For example, I went on training for work for a week, then decided to take an extra week for myself. I went to new york and cape cod on my own, staying in hostels etc. He was worried, and said stay in hotels if you have to go, but I didn't cower or ask permission. He also didnt want to sell my car and keep his, cause it's standard and I couldn't drive it (he was worried Iabout how I'd get around, since I'm the more social one, going places on weekends etc).

I just feel kind of trapped at times, and want to make sure I'm not losing myself. It's normal for people to make compromises right? I just want to make sure I'm not the one doing ALL the compromising... How do you know at what point you should hold your ground? I understand his reasons for the cat and the job, truly I do. He has to live with a cat for 20 years. And he does count on me to help pay the mortgage. But the car- should I just cave, and give up on a beetle cause he thinks it's a girly car?He even offered to sell his car two so we can get one NICE car we both like.

Am I just being PMS'y and emotional? I love the guy and want to be wit him forever. Just worried a bit sometimes, cause we're so different. I want to travel and he wants to stay home. And we do travel together, it just seems we stay home more often

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Old 08-18-2008, 10:27 PM   #2
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Re: Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

Please forgive me if I am wrong, but it sounds like he might be a bit older than you. He seems to be a bit more settled, if anything.

He does have a valid point about the cat and the job. New leather furniture, which I'm sure was a reasonably large expense, and kitty cats, don't mix well. And I've always been a firm believer that you should never quit a job, before you have found a replacement, especially if you have a mortgage to help pay.

The car thing..... I think most guys want a car that they can feel comfortable in, and the bugs do seem a bit feminine, but what I'm not quite clear on, is would he be getting rid of his car so that you can afford a new one? Since you do seem tentative about working, he may be afraid of ending up with 2 car payments on one salary.

I don't think he is making any unreasonable demands or anything, he just sounds like a really practical guy. I think that couples have to have at least the same general ideals and ambitions for the future. And you two seem to be on completely different pages at the moment. I guess you need to decide how much you really want to be with him and if you are ready to settle down enough to do just that. If not, then maybe it's time for the two of you to move on and find others who have the same goals.

Best of luck with whatever happens.

Last edited by cmpgirl; 08-19-2008 at 11:36 AM. Reason: typo

Old 08-19-2008, 05:10 AM   #3
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Re: Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

As for the car, if it's going to be YOUR own personal car, then who cares what he thinks of it? He has his own car. I don't think it would be better for the both of you to sell your cars and then get one more expensive car. The two of you shouldn't rely on just one car, THAT would create some problems no doubt.

I think those are stupid reasons for not getting a cat. I LOVE cats (huge cat person here!) they are so cuddly and wonderful and so what if a few things get scratched up? My cat doesn't scratch up the furniture. Plus, a cat is not going to knock a large television over. DVD players and lamps maybe but not a TV.

It is true that if you are sharing bills then you can't just stop bringing in an income.

You need to start throwing your weight around a little more, telling him what you want and what you are planning to do, and see if you are able to work these kinks out before you actually start a family together, if indeed you do.
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Old 08-19-2008, 06:09 AM   #4
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Re: Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

Will you be making the payments on the car? Will he still have his own car to drive? If so, then the car is your decision. He is welcome to give advice, but if YOU are driving it and YOU are paying for it then YOU should get to choose it, right?

I do agree with him about the cat. I wouldn't want a cat if we just purchased new leather furniture. And if it can't be an outdoor cat then it would have to be inside scratching everything up. That wouldn't fly with me.

I also agree about the job. It is in your best interest to find a job before leaving your old one especially with bills to pay and you talking about getting a new car. That's just responsible.

I have to ask, are you looking for reasons to get out of this relationship? You said you feel like you are losing yourself so are you happy? I just get the feeling (and correct me if I'm wrong) that you are looking for a reason to get out.

Old 08-19-2008, 06:52 AM   #5
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Re: Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

I think you FEEL like he's calling all the shots because he IS. I can understand about the car if you both share the one car and he will be driving it as much as you will be driving it and you both will be paying equally for it. In that case, he deserves to have input on what kind of car to get. BUT you go on to say that he has a car that he offered to sell so you both can share one nice car. Well, that's kind of stupid. Unless you both spend every waking minute together, go everywhere together, work together, etc., you both need your own cars. If this will be your car, that you will be driving mostly and that you will be making payments on, then you have the right to get whatever car you darn well please. He has no business dictating to you what kind of car to get. Maybe I could understand if he read something bad in Consumer reports about the model you want, but to tell you that you can't get the kind of car you want to get because "it's too girly" when you will be driving it mostly, that's incredibly immature and controlling.

The cat also I can see if you just got brand new expensive leather furniture. Perhaps you should have mentioned that you wanted a cat before you got the new furniture and taken that into consideration.

HOWEVER...about the having kids don't want them now and he says now is the time. You say "so that's what we've agreed on." Well, sorry, that's not what happened. He laid down the law and you caved in, that's what really happened. You didn't agree on anything. If you don't want kids right now, then don't have kids right now, for goodness sakes. It's your life, it's your body. How are you going to make a change and job hunt and settle into a new job or a new career if you're pregnant?

When you are in a relationship, you do have to make compromises and sacrifices and take the other person's feelings into consideration. It's not all about you anymore. BUT that doesn't mean the other person always gets to have his way. I do feel he's crossed the line between being a concerned partner and being controlling. Especially with the car. "It's too expensive, it's not practical, it doesn't have a good resale value," etc. these are all good reasons not to buy a particular model of car, but "it's too girly" when he won't even be the primary driver, that's just stupid!!! In fact it's making me mad that he would even say that and you would let that stop you from getting the kind of car you really want.

I think you need to listen to your gut first of all. Your gut is telling you he's riding roughshod over you, and it sounds like he is. If he can't be logical, reasonable and rational in compromising with you so that both your needs are met and you both are happy in the relationship and the way your lives are running, then it doesn't matter how much you love him, you really need to reconsider this relationship.

Old 08-19-2008, 06:56 AM   #6
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Re: Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

A properly trained cat will not scratch furniture. The trouble is that most people don't know how to train a cat or are too indulgent with kitty to make the lesson stick. Every time a cat tries to do something it shouldn't, let it know that it isn't allowed - make a scary noise, spray it with water, or any other "bad" signal it responds to. Do this every time, and the cat will quickly get the idea and stop trying. If you let the cat get away with it once or twice, then it's too late, it's learned a bad habit that is tough to unlearn. The cat should have a scratching post to meet its scratching needs as well. Then you've just got to deal with the fur all over the house and your clothing....

Regarding your relationship, so far it sounds like you've made reasonable compromises. But if you're starting to doubt, listen to yourself and don't ignore that feeling. That is a signal that you've made some compromises you felt you needn't have, and it is his turn to give a little.

Old 08-19-2008, 08:08 AM   #7
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Re: Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

I think he has some points, but you do as well. It does sound a bit like he is calling all the shots, but at the same time, a lot of the decisions he's making he does have a right to be concerned about. The kitten part, I can understand kind of. Kittens do smell, they can scratch furniture, and with leather furniture I can understand his point of view. With you guys living together, that is a decision that needs to be made together, but because you two obviously have different opinions, one of you has to "lose". And the job part, I agree with him about you finding another job before you quit your current one. I don't see that as him being controlling or bossy, but more about worrying about money. I assume you help pay the rent and bills, so if you quit and don't find another job, who covers your part? Him. So, he has a right to be concerned about that because it would affect him too. Owning a house together means you have joint responsibilities for that house, so like it or not, he has every right to have a say in your money/job issues. Now, that's not to say you can't quit your job, I'm just saying I can see where he is coming from telling you to find another one first. Now, as far as the car thing goes, I don't understand that. Do you only have one car that you share? If so, is it yours, his, or joint? If it is only your car, then you should get any car you want. I would never tell my boyfriend he could or couldn't get a certain type of car. It's his car, and I have my own.

I live with my boyfriend by the way, so that's where my opinions are coming from. I point it in a "what if this happened to me" perspective.

Old 08-19-2008, 09:54 AM   #8
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Re: Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

If you didn't do it his way -- about the car - what do you think would happen?

I'd agree that quitting a job while being responsible for a mortgage without another job is immature and unrealistic.

But if you're going to trade in your car, pay for the next car......what would happen if you got a car of your choosing with your own funds and effort? Would he end the relationship?

Old 08-19-2008, 12:34 PM   #9
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Re: Am I a pushover? Too dependant?

I may be on my own with this opinion, but from what you wrote, it sounds to me like his concerns are mostly about the things that affect you as a couple. You said that you do pretty much what you want to on a personal level, such as travel and go out socially and he doesn't seem to have any issues with that. So, to me, you don't seem to be giving in to him in that area.

I don't think it is unfair for him to be concerned about the things that affect your overall finances. When you decide to become a couple and start sharing everything, including expenses, it's important to decide together and both make sacrifices and compromises. If both of your incomes are necessary to pay all of your bills, he has a legit reason to question the purchase of a new car, girly or otherwise. Is he in a financial position to take over the full living expenses if you were to be unemployed? Even temporarily?

I can also understand why he may have been a bit hesitant to start a family at 19. Even if you felt you were ready at that point in your life, both partners have to be on the same page and he may have felt you were both too young and/or not financially ready. Now it seems that you have changed your mind about having kids altogether, so I'm sure he is a bit confused. If you have really decided that you don't want kids, then you need to tell him that. It is not one of the things that you should just agree to, to keep the peace.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I think if the two of you sit down and really put all of the issues out on the table, you'll come up with the right solutions for both of you.

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