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Help! In a mess.

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Old 08-24-2008, 05:24 PM   #1
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Unhappy Help! In a mess.

I met the woman I am seeing now a couple years ago. Since then we have fallen into a routine where I email her daily and we see each other for a few hours once every couple weeks. She buys me presents and takes me out to dinner and we fool around.

I have liked this arrangement for a while and still do. But it occurs to me that this is all the relationship will ever be. We will never ever move in together, get married, or anything like that. We have what we have and that's all it can be. She is married to someone else and it's not going to change. Period. Also she drinks heavily when I am not around and can't stop. She claims to try, but is addicted apparently and isn't trying to stop anymore. She's sober at work, here and in the mornings at home. Otherwise she's blasted. I can't live with that so even if she left her husband we still couldn't be together. And she is 50 and I am 39.

Everything was going along fine until for some stupid unknown reason I made my Myspace page public. A couple weeks later this woman messaged me.

I don't know why, but I got to thinking that maybe if I had a real girlfriend that I would enjoy it and it would give me something worthwhile to do. So I messaged her back. She's 36. That was two weeks ago tomorrow.

Well, she thinks we have "clicked". I have just been agreeing with whatever she says. She thinks we were meant for each other. She is a newly separated mother of 3 young kids. Living with a friend and trying to go back to school. She is in therapy at the local DSS with her kids and her littlest girl (8) has a broken collar bone and apparently they don't know how it happened.

We've had sex every time I have gotten together with her except for the first date. Each time I didn't want to and found myself doing it and not being able to stop. She even came over and spent the night a few days ago and I couldn't believe I let that happen. It was like someone else was running my body and I was just watching.

I tried to avoid meeting her kids, but I did and they are getting attached. It's only been two weeks and I feel I can't get out of this.

Every time I talk to her I end up agreeing that I feel like she does and it just gets worse. I tried to tell her about the married woman I see every two weeks and I ended up saying I would quit seeing her and I have no intention of doing that.

It's not like me to lie. It's not like me to mess with women's hearts. I used to post here that I would never find love and what was wrong with me. Now I have to figure out a way to end it with the new girl and not seem like a monster of a man who's just another worthless user. I keep making excuses not to talk to her or see her but then I feel sorry for her and see her or write her again.

I have finally decided after seeing the original woman today that there is no way I am going to break up with her. I think I'd rather see her every two weeks for 10 hours at a time than spend a lifetime with a woman who has no idea what I am talking about. And I do not want to raise more kids after just getting done with mine.

I regret ever making my page public or answering. But now I feel trapped. How do I stop? I really, really don't want to break the new girl's heart. She will cry and cry and might even become a stalker. She's a nice girl, but I am not ready for a full time girlfriend. I like my freedom.

So what do I do? How to I let this woman down easy? She's not very smart so I don't think she would take it like an adult. I don't want to crush her. She just left a 11 year marriage of abuse where the husband kept track of her every move and basically kept her prisoner while berating her and the kids relentlessly. I don't want her to fall into a depression and go back to him or give up. I want her to make it.

Just not with my help. How do I get rid of her nicely? I have no experience in this. Usually I just let them have their way with me until they get bored and move on. That's not going to happen here. I don't want to wait that long anyway.

Any advice would be helpful. How do you let a woman down without making her cry and want you back?

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Old 08-24-2008, 05:51 PM   #2
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Re: Help! In a mess.

You seem concerned about letting the new woman down easy but it seems she is manipulating YOU. She makes you say and do things you don't want to or mean to. You said you didn't want to meet her kids, have sex with her all the time or stop seeing the married woman...yet you did or said all these things.

Two weeks is not a long time. You really have to stand your ground and let her know you are not serious and are "playing the field". She sounds vulnerable right now but she is old enough to know how to take a break up, learn from it and move on. She moved in too fast with you. She is already in therapy so she can talk about the breakup with her therapist. So what if she cries, she'll get over it. A two week relationship is a little short for tears or stalking.

I think you don't want to string her along, you just want to end it so tell her and don't call or email her after that. Just know in your heart that by ending it, you are really doing the right thing for her and let that knowledge give to the strength to break up.

Old 08-24-2008, 07:26 PM   #3
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Re: Help! In a mess.

Two weeks is better than three...she'll get over it...tell her that you are "in love with someone else...see ya!" She sounds like a wackO!!!!! Stop trying to be the caretaker of some wacko you just met over the internet....besides, you have no idea if anything she's told you is even the truth. So she said she had a crazy husband that she just got away from...says who? Crazy woman that's who!!!!!
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.

Last edited by BeaTrade; 08-24-2008 at 07:28 PM.

Old 08-24-2008, 09:02 PM   #4
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Re: Help! In a mess.

End the "relationship" as soon as possible. It has only been two weeks since you met the new woman. If you wait, it will be harder for both of you. Do her a favor and tell her the truth, that you don't want to see her any more and that you are seeing someone else. I am not trying to be critical of you, but I wonder why you let yourself get manipulated so easily by someone you just met. You are also doing her kids a disservice by not being honest with their mother. Kids get attached easily and if their father is abusive, they may want to get attached to another man who is nice to them. It is good that their mother is in therapy so she'll have someone to talk to after you tell her how you feel. Even if she cries, she'll get over it. After all, you have only known each other for a very short time.

Old 08-25-2008, 06:43 AM   #5
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Re: Help! In a mess.

I'd say end both relationships and start fresh with someone else

Old 08-25-2008, 07:11 AM   #6
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Re: Help! In a mess.

You can't prevent her from crying, if she will, but you may never know if her crying is genuine or not. I may be wrong, but it looks to me as if her behaviour is theatrical. In other words, she is a player, and she could be playing with you.

Be careful. She could even become pregnant overnight. You are playing with fire, my friend. Stop it now before it is too late.

You can't carry the world upon your shoulder, right?

Even if she is being nice and sincere, you don't apparently feel anything, do you? So, don't go on betraying her and yourself.

You have met her online. So, why not break up online, too? This may not be very gentlemanly behaviour on your part, but you have to think about your safety and your convenience. Resist. Learn to say no. Just say no and forget about it.

She will get over it, and so will you.

Old 08-25-2008, 08:56 AM   #7
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Re: Help! In a mess.

I do think that you're making a lot of excuses for why these things are going on in your life, and really it's time for you to man up and quit treating women so badly. Additionally, you might want to consider counseling to find out why you feel it necessary to treat women like this. I pity any woman who is unfortunate enough to find herself in a relationship with you until you work out your "issues" because you're going to continue hurting people until you figure that out.

Old 08-25-2008, 01:58 PM   #8
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Re: Help! In a mess.


just tell her the truth - you are in love with somebody else, and although you thought a new relationship might be good for you, it isn't, and you also don't want to raise anyone else's kids. You don't owe this woman anything, and even if she gets upset, that falls under the category of Oh Well, Too Bad.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

Last edited by Administrator; 08-25-2008 at 09:18 PM. Reason: answer the thread originator, only.

Old 08-25-2008, 05:23 PM   #9
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Re: Help! In a mess.

I did send her a message and let her go. She sounded disappointed all that. It is for the best though. I tried to convey that maybe I wasn't the best choice of a mate and that I was not responsible enough to give her what she needs. I tried to let her down as easy as I could. Hopefully she is gone.

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