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I'll look like the jerk but advice needed

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Old 09-16-2008, 11:34 PM   #1
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I'll look like the jerk but advice needed

Ok this is going to be a long story...just a lil disclaimer.
I'm actually kinda paranoid to put this out there.... just in case someone reads it who shouldn't (like the people involved in my story) but I think I'm pretty safe posting here.

Ok so my best friend is a guy (i'm a girl) he's been my best friend for years and years and somewhere in the middle of that we actually had a four year relationship. I was a horrible girlfriend... I cheated all the time... treated him basically like crap. I don't think I did these things (please hear me out) because I was terribly unhappy.... I did these things because I was young and dumb and have never been good at relationship 101.
I ended up leaving him for another guy whom I am still with and this has been almost 5 years ago. My current boyfriend and I had a baby together who is now getting close to two years old. I am unhappy in my relationship I have been unhappy in it for about 3 years now.... 3 out of 5 years isn't so good. It all really started when I became pregnant... my boyfriend was a total jerk to me (that's a long story so i'll skip it) we began sleeping in different beds.... we still sleep in seperate beds (well actually i'm the lucky one who gets the couch) and it's not because of any verbal agreement we ever made it's just how we are. While I was pregnant we also stopped being intimate (his doing) which totally killed my self-esteem (mind you i said i was a terrible girlfriend to the other boyfriend with this one i've been 100%) I don't cheat on him although at this point i might jump at the opportunity. I think overall i'm actually pretty nice to him.
Once I stopped being preg the intimacy thing never came back and it's not because I haven't tried he always has some exuse not to have sex (makes me feel pretty bad really... like he thinks i'm unattractive) all that aside... we don't get along on any level... we are very different people. I don't claim to be a genius but I feel he is below me mentally. He has this horrible anger and gets mad over the stupidest stuff.... calls names like a child would.
Okay now let's get back to where I started with the best friend. Even after I left him under such horrible circumstances... we stayed close. The x is the first person I think of when something happens like oh i have to go tell him... or if i'm sad... need advice... just need someone around he is always there. I have and have always had this incredibly strong bond with him. I am around him most days... we hang out all the time. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions here as to why the current is unhappy..... this x of mine and him are actually friends (it took about two years but it happened) I mean he even let him live with us for a few months after x fell on hard times... we all hang out together.... but me and the x hang out a lot more... There is no jealousy going on there and i've given no reason for either one of them to think otherwise. Come to think of it... i don't even think there would be anything i could do to make my boyfriend jealous he has this way of not caring about anything I do (he used to be extremly jealous before baby) it's like he got me pregnant became repulsed by me and never came back mentally.
I've recently had a health scare... well in fact it's still going on... but that's besides the point. When you face things in your life that could literally mean life or death you kinda start to look at your life and evaluate certain situations and that's what leads me to this board.
My x has not been in a relationship since we broke up almost 5 years ago... I don't know why... he's never really been in that many relationships... ok i guess it seems to me that unlike a lot of people it's not something he strives for.. but i've been thinking what ifs? Like what if he got a girlfriend and I was pushed to the back-burner? Because there is no way a female would allow that kind of close friendship with another woman... and then when I think about it I get really jealous. I think he should be allowed to be happy etc etc and yes i may be selfish but i'm very clingy (mentally not physically) to this x of mine. So after those thoughts came in to my head I started to question... am i still in love with him? yes... yes I am. I chased him (not obviously) for years before I got him and the same feelings I had back then are still the same as I have now. I admire him in so many ways.... he's always been a bit of a mentor to me. And most importantly I respect him... I have zero respect for current boyfriend... I actually can't stand him. I tried and i tried and i tried with him but after 3 years i'm still not getting anywhere... when is it time to just give up?
I'm afraid to tell my x my feelings afraid that it could ruin our friendship and i hate to say it but i'd be lost without my best friend. I don't know what to do. Last summer (after drinking quite a bit) i caught myself off guard and poured my heart out to the x on how much i still loved him etc etc (it felt to me since i was drunk like just a spur of the moment thing that i did) but now after all the thinking i have done.... it really wasn't so spur of the moment.
He turned me down flat... actually was kinda mean about it....also mentioned that i had a baby with my boyfriend and I should just stay where i'm at... and that our relationship didn't work for a reason and blah blah blah.. and i'm pretty sure he'd say the same thing if i mentioned it again.
He knows that i've changed in the relationship department (i've grown up) he knows how miserable i am all the time with my boyfriend... well he knows everything about my life. But I know he would pretty much so once again turn me down flat.
I should probably just leave well enough alone but i'm sick of doing that. I don't understand how he can be so close to me and not have any feelings like i do.... or maybe he just doesn't think about it. Everyone I know thinks that he must care for me greatly since he is always around me... always helping me in my life (and vice versa of course) but i think they are wrong.
Whats my question?
What should I do?
Leave things the way they are? Keep being unhappy where i'm at for the sake of my child? Just appreciate that i have someone like my x in my life and go on with it? Possibly ruin a friendship over my feelings?
Any suggestions on my issue would be great!
Thanks for reading.

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Old 09-17-2008, 03:48 AM   #2
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Re: I'll look like the jerk but advice needed

First of all I am sorry you are in this situation at your age. Living with a man who doesn't respect you or want you for that matter can do quite a number on you. You know that your current relationship with your B/F is over. Why are you still there? It's no good to bring a baby up in a situation like no need to stay because of the baby!

You didn't mention family at all? Have you anyone who can help you back on your feet?

As far as your other male friend goes, I think thats a moot point. You can beat your self esteem down some more by throwing yourself at him but it isn't going to do any good. I don't think he has romantic inclinations toward you at all. He told you he didn't......and I think he is telling you the truth. If he were interested at all, in the past 3 years that you and your B/F have been having these issues he could have tried to work his way back into your life. The fact that he didn't says a lot about him.

So, where does that leave you? You need to get out and away from your current B/F, because you will never meet any new men while you are living with him. If I am understanding your post, you and he are just co-habitating and there is no relationship at all. When you go out with your male "friend" you also are limiting who you will meet, because you and he together appear to be a "couple".

Enlist the help of family and friends to start re-building you and your babies life. Get a job, (you didn't say you didn't have one?) and live on your own for a while. Once you are out and away from the situation you are in I think you will find that you can see more "clearly" and understand why your "friend" might be hesitant to jump back into a relationship with you.

I hope everything works out for you.


Old 09-17-2008, 04:34 AM   #3
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Re: I'll look like the jerk but advice needed

Mileena's post is excellent. I was going to write something along those very same lines, but she has done it much better than I.

Actually, a very important character in this plot is your baby. He barely gets mentioned, however. You have to think about him (or her?), too, and find out what suits him best. I don't think you and the baby can go on living like that.

As for yourself, maybe it's time for you to follow your reason rather than your heart. I think you will be ok if you start to behave and do things realistically.

Old 09-17-2008, 04:38 AM   #4
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Re: I'll look like the jerk but advice needed

Leaving the ex out of the equation is the best idea. Leave your current unhappy situation, get a new life started for you and the baby, get your stuff on track. Do all this for YOU, then you will have something to offer to a new partner (whoever it may be). Do not be trying to compare and choose; for one thing your ex looks pretty good from where you are now, and that may be clouding your judgment and it would be a bad idea to base the rest of your life on that. Get yourself out and living a good life, and then see what is waiting around the corner. Sera.

Old 09-17-2008, 08:29 AM   #5
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Re: I'll look like the jerk but advice needed

I think your relationship with your current live in boyfriend/father of your child and the situation with the ex are two distinct, SEPARATE things, and you need to keep them separate. DO NOT base what you do with the current boyfriend on what your ex will or won't do. You are not living any kind of a life with your current boyfriend. You are not happy. If you stay in such a miserable situaiton "for the child" all you will be doing for the child is teaching that child that marriage sucks, there's no such thing as love, both his parents are miserable, unhappy people who are so wrapped up in their own problems they were unable to parent with 100% of their hearts and spirits, and it's all his fault. Are these things you really want to give your child? You will not being doing your child any favors by staying in this miserable situaiton.

Get on your own two feet, get to a point where you can provide for yourself and your child and end this going-nowhere miserable relationship. Get control of your life and create a happy life for yourself and your child. That's the best thing you can do for your child.

As for the ex, you messed him over pretty good, and there must have been legitimate reasons beyond simply "well, I was young and stupid" that made you treat him so badly. There's really not reason to believe you would treat him any better today. Even if you could, it could be your cheating simply killed any love he ever had for you in a romantic way. Men almost never look back. You can't pin all your hopes on him, and you certainly can't say 'well, ex doesn't want me, so I'll just stay where I am." Those are NOT your only two options. Even if ex doesn't want you back, you can still end this awful relationship and get on with it. Please don't stick around "well, I made my bed, I have a kid so I just have to be miserable for the rest of my life." Please don't do that to your kid. Don't lay all that on his shoulders. It really isn't fair. You can go out and get a life and still be a good mom. IN fact a better mom. A happy, satisfied, contented, strong, self actualized woman makes a better mom than a miserable woman who feels trapped and hopeless and unworthy.

Old 09-17-2008, 01:05 PM   #6
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Re: I'll look like the jerk but advice needed

I agree that these are two separate issues and should be treated as such.

The first thing you need to do is get out of this relationship you are in. It is NEVER a good idea to stay in a bad relationship because of a child. As your child gets older what he/she sees in your relationship is what he/she is going to interpret as "normal" and "healthy". I'm sure you don't want that for your child. You should spend some time working on your and getting your self esteem back ALONE WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND.

As far as your friend goes, let it go for now. Deal with what is the top priority right now. When you get to a good place then you can revisit it. Who knows, maybe once you are out of your relationship you will feel that you really didn't want him at all but instead missed the relationship you shared and want to find that in someone else. Or, you may find that with your boyfriend out of the picture that he does have feelings for you. Or, you may only ever be "just friends" and you are going to have to decide if that's okay with you knowing that at any moment he may find someone. The possibilities are endless. But first you have to take care of business.

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