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Fungirl33 09-19-2008 12:06 PM

HELP! Indecisive Sagittarian wants to be married and single
 
I have been with my husband for 5 years, and married for 2. I was set up with him, and didn't even want a relationship when we first met b/c I had been divorced for a year and wanted to be single for a while. My ex was verbally abusive, so my current husband was/is a saint compared to him, so I was happy just being around him. I've never been that attracted to him, and that is what is bothering me lately. He's a great husband, but romantically and sexually it's just not there anymore. He's becoming more lazy and overweight as the years pass, and I keep hoping to break him out of that by planning fun trips and cooking healthy foods, but he has some bad habits, among other things, and we all know men don't change their habits. He's like the perfect guy, but not exactly the one you really want - like Niles on Frasier, or any of the "nice" guys on any show that aren't that attractive. I love him, but at the same time, I don't like what I see for our future. I've told him my issues, and nothing has changed. Am I just being too shallow and need to grow up and stick it out? Do I want a divorce or will a separation help us? I don't want to constantly look at other men, like I've been doing (not wanting to cheat) for the past 3 months and wonder if my life could be happier. Any advice would be appreciated!

MSNik 09-19-2008 06:53 PM

Re: HELP! Indecisive Sagittarian wants to be married and single
 
Fun girl, all i can tell you is you are not alone. Ive been married almost 5 years to the 'nicest' guy in the world- and he is good looking...but, he bores me to tears and he has lost his allure. I work with thousands of guys in a fortune 500 company and see men in suits all day long- kind of hard NOT to look! My husband is in construction and while Levis used to be sexy.....washing them week after week, isnt!
I was dx with a chronic diseaese 2 years ago. im dependent on him for many things, including health insurance. Its a horrible reason to stay and at this time I do alot of crying wondering why I feel like I have to, but until the job situation improves (I currently only work 30 hours a week and cant get insurance) im kind of stuck.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Fungirl33 09-20-2008 10:01 AM

Re: HELP! Indecisive Sagittarian wants to be married and single
 
Thanks for replying. I have been stressing out so badly about my marriage issues that I joined this chat room just to get some feedback and see if anyone else out there understands me b/c I don't understand myself sometimes. I have recently told my husband that I'd like us to go to counseling, and he suggests I go by myself first b/c I'm the one that has issues, then we'll go together if necessary. That sounds like a good idea, so I'm going to try it. We'll see how it goes.

Larrylou'smom 09-20-2008 07:28 PM

Re: HELP! Indecisive Sagittarian wants to be married and single
 
Well fungirl, in your first post you say that you were never very attracted to your husbanad, and then you go on to say that sexually and romantically it's just not there "anymore." Was it ever there? I'm assuming not really since you were never really attracted to him.

I think this is just what happens when time wears on and people get older. Heck, it's hard as the devil to keep a marriage vital and healthy when you go INTO it being mad about each other, compatible and on the same page in every way AND the sexual chemistry off the hook. But to go into it with any of those elements missing, I mean, you can't rekindle what was never there. I think this is just what marriage is. I think any shrink is just going to tell you to find ways to learn to just deal with the fact that this is just how it's going to be and be grateful for the fact that he's a good provider and he comes home every night and doesn't smack you around.

mysteryeggs 09-20-2008 09:58 PM

Re: HELP! Indecisive Sagittarian wants to be married and single
 
Wow, I had no idea that shrinks encourage women to just get used to being in unfulfilling relationships and just be grateful that they don't get cheated on and smacked around.

Fungirl, if your husband is unwilling or unable to give you what you need then what's the point of staying in the relationship? You admit you were never attracted to him in the first place and you settled with him as an alternative to past abuse. You say he's a good husband, other than romantically and sexually... well what else is there that separates a husband from a good roommate? If you really think that you don't want to be with him anymore, then why not give your "nice guy" a chance to find someone else who really loves him?

Larrylou'smom 09-20-2008 10:08 PM

Re: HELP! Indecisive Sagittarian wants to be married and single
 
[QUOTE=mysteryeggs;3735636]Wow, I had no idea that shrinks encourage women to just get used to being in unfulfilling relationships and just be grateful that they don't get cheated on and smacked around.

Fungirl, if your husband is unwilling or unable to give you what you need then what's the point of staying in the relationship? You admit you were never attracted to him in the first place and you settled with him as an alternative to past abuse. You say he's a good husband, other than romantically and sexually... well what else is there that separates a husband from a good roommate? If you really think that you don't want to be with him anymore, then why not give your "nice guy" a chance to find someone else who really loves him?[/QUOTE]

No, I just meant this problem/situation is more complex than it might seem. How many wives complain that their husbands are lazy? Oh, almost all?? and how many husbands put on pounds after a few years of marriage? Oh, almost all?? Fungirl, I can't imagine a counselor will be quick to tell you to get up and leave if these are your major complaints. I think in any marriage, if the marriage is suffering, then both parties will need to change their behavior, but if he's not willing to, he's not willing to. You said he told you it's your problem, not his, right? Well, you can't make him change if he doesn't want to. But are you willing to ditch your entire marriage because of these things? There are things to consider, like why did you get into the marriage in the first place, and what's changed. Lots of people are in marriages that don't have a lot of romance, sex and passion, the woman married the man because as you say, he's a good father and a good provider and is home every night, etc. and that works out very well for some women. Are you one of those women? and if not, what else is out there for you, and if nothing, are you still unhappy enough to leave? And most importantly, what do YOU really want out of life, and how realistic would it be for you to go out and get it if you don't have it right now? I think those are some of the questions here, and they're not such easy questions.

Seraph 09-21-2008 08:21 PM

Re: HELP! Indecisive Sagittarian wants to be married and single
 
I am with Larrylousmom here - you need to sit down and work through what you really want, and weigh up your options. Do you want to work on this marriage, or do you want to take your chances as a single person again? There is risk of unhappiness in both options. It bothers me a bit that your husband seems not to be interested enough to explore a better relationship; this would be my deal stretcher. If he doesn't care, one asks, why should you? My advice would be to go to counselling, to help you with this issue, rather than thinking exclusively of marriage repair, include your other options, see which fits best. He has been a safe haven for you after the abusive relationship - you may simply have grown out of needing that now. Sera


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