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  • Trying to move on after emotional abuse

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    Old 09-23-2008, 05:57 AM   #1
    jacritch
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    Trying to move on after emotional abuse

    Hi,

    I am new to this section. I am 47 years old and just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I was divorced six months ago. I was friends w/my boss and he would call me to see how I was doing. He was so much fun and I was so vulnerable. Well 10 months ago we started a relationship. I wasn't over my split from my husband of 20 years and he couldn't understand why I couldn't hate my ex and forget the past. He would check my phone and he wanted to spend every night w/me. He wanted to have sex a lot. I even would wake up w/him on top of me 4 times a night. He said it was because he loved me so much. I felt like I was being controlled and felt like I was being squeezed to death so I broke it off a few times. I did end up w/my husband a couple of those times and when my boyfriend and I got back together and he asked me if I had done anything I should tell him...I did tell him what I had done. Well he had a hard time trusting me........and he wouldn't let me go anywhere by myself. When I stayed home....he would call me and would want to chat on the computer all the time. My friends and family became non existence to me and I could not understand why he didn't have friends. Only friends he worked with.

    I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster and I turned to alcohol and drugs for six months. I felt that if I was under the influence I could deal w/his controlling ways. He did not drink or drug but bought me alcohol and a pipe.
    He called me an alcoholic and drug addict. Told me I was bi polar. I felt terrible all the time. I see a therapist and I even asked her "Do you think I am bi polar" and she said "no" you are not. You are depressed.

    I never had a problem w/alchohol or drugs before...and I didn't want to so I stopped everything with my doctors help and even signed myself into rehab. Well the weekend before I was supposed to go to rehab..my boyfriend said that he felt he needed to spend the weekend w/me to make sure I was safe.
    It was a weekend from hell...all he did was scream at me for my infidelities and he wanted to read my journal..I told him no and he went ballistic because he said that I should share everything w/him and not hide anything from him. He badgered me the whole entire weekend. I cried and cried...but I went to his house on a monday night so he could bring me to rehab. Well I brought some work to his house to do so I could catch up on everything for my job before I went into rehab. He was so upset that I was working and not spending time w/him that he told me to leave his house at 10:00 p.m. I left and found another ride. He called me the next morning to see if I needed a ride and I told him NO.

    To make a long story short...rehab wouldn't take me because I detoxed at home. I have been on a FMLA since Sept. 9 and I still don't feel like I can go back to work w/him there. He stepped down as my boss a couple months ago, but he is a master manipulator and promise me the world and each time the abuse seems to get worse.

    I have been journaling and reading a lot and going to therapy. I have had a lot of tragedy happen w/in the past few years but I have always been able to put one foot in front of the other and move on. I just feel so helpless that I can't do that now.

    Sorry this so so long.

    Jacritch

     
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    Old 09-23-2008, 06:30 AM   #2
    rose93
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    Re: Trying to move on after emotional abuse

    Hi,
    I am sorry you have been through so much. You are doing all the right things: journaling, therapy, distancing yourself from your boyfriend. Continue down that path. Your boyfriend used your vulnerability and imposed a total control over your actions and life. I am pleased to hear that you got off of alchocol and drugs. Just as you needed to go to a rehab for the substance abuse you now need to create your own emotional rehab. Circle your self with friends, look for another job, get a restraining oreder from a police if your boyfried tries to get near you again. Concentarte on yourself, meditation, physical activity, family and friends support and NO RELATIONSHIPS until you are completly recovered. Write a list of negative things that happened in your relationsships with your boyfriend and your ex and each time you are tempted to get in contact with either take your list and read all the rasons why you should not EVER AGAIN consider getting together with them. Learn to recognize the red flags in a relationship. Join support group. There are many support groups that help victims of domestic violence ( physical or emotional). Stay strong and stay away from your abuser. He CAN NOT give you happiness and respect. I hope this helps. Good luck!

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 07:05 AM   #3
    kiwi05
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    Re: Trying to move on after emotional abuse

    Hi, i'm new to these forums. Before I start, just a quick *hug*. I'm sorry you wen't through all of that. Towards the end of last year, I went through something like that as well. My ex that I had been living with who was my boyfriend at the time started to physically and mentally abuse me. I wont go in to details but I hadn't really taken the time to heal after my previous one before him and I went into the relationship with low self-esteem and self-confidence. So needless to say, i stayed in it longer than i should have and wound up in the hospital.

    I was pushed into getting a restraining order by one of the police that had showed up at my apartment and i'm glad i wen't through with it. When i was filling out the papers to kind of "apply" for one, there is emotional abuse as one of the reasons. Any type of abuse is wrong. There's no reason people have to make us feel bad and try and control our lives just because we're "vunerable" and easy to manipulate.

    And i agree with your therapist, i don't think you are bi polar. Unfortunately, i was diagnosed with it when i was 16. From what i was told by my psychiatrist, it's a chemical imbalance that makes you have violent mood swings which come out of no where for usually no aparent reason, going from manic to depressed or vice versa. And by violent i just mean sudden. Many people still don't understand what being bi polar means and they put harsh stereotypes on us. You have a reason to be depressed, i think anyone in that situation would be depressed.

    My advice to you is to first tell him that you don't want him in your life as anything more than a co-worker. (I'd honestly try to find another place to work down the road and get away from any temptations. I understand that once you've cared for someone, even if they hurt us, we still let them stick around sometimes. But if you have realized yourself that it is unhealthy for you to be around him, then keep that in mind and let your own well being be the thought that keeps you going) If he gives you a hard time, try and get a restraining order w/o tellilng him what you are doing. Being forced to stay appart helps a ton.

    And if you don't want to go through the whole process alone, there may be some organizations that will help. I used a group that the police had suggested that provided me with someone who went to the hearings with me, talked with me while i waited, comforted me, and provided me with hugs. ^^ I had distanced myself from friends as well and didn't feel right asking them to go with me. I was also able to get a lawyer at no cost through this organization.

    Second, take the time to heal and find yourself again. Once you can live on your own and realize that you don't need someone to be happy, then what you'll bring to the next relationship will be nothing but yourself w/o the baggage. And i think it's okay to still care about your ex-husband. Once you've shared that many experiences with someone, i think it would be inhuman to not care. Keep seeing your therapist as well if they help you figure things out. My parents told me to join support groups and find a therapist but i didn't want to hear other people tell me he was trash at the time.

    And third, find something to do that makes you happy =) I'm 25 and i started playing MMO's again. ( online games) There, i made "friends", when i couldn't trust people in real life, and had fun spending time with them. And when i'd get upset, i'd just run around on my character and kill stuff which prevented me from taking out the pain in other ways. I'm not saying that is what i think you should do, gaming is not for everyone. But a hobby that keeps your mind occupied and happy which you can do with others as well once you are ready for companionship. Pull out some old photos and make a scrapbook, draw, go hiking, take up photography, anything really like that ^^

    It was hard to stop crying at first and motivate myself to do anything really, i felt guilty. But once i realized that things weren't going to get any better unless i did something, I stopped crying and saw that I didn't need him and that he was just, in a way, slowly killing off who i was. Now, 7 months later, i don't even think about him and if i do, it doesn't hurt or upset me anymore.

    Sorry i went on for so long, lol. I hope it helps a little. I know when you're still in it, it's hard to accept what other's say you should try sometimes. So until you decide what ever it is, read some books at least or watch movies. I'd also advise talking with a woman whom you trust who you know has your best intrests in mind. You don't have to talk about what happened, just go out to dinner or see a movie together, or even go shopping ( with a limited amout you can spend. It's easy to over do it when your depressed) So keep your chin up and keep looking forward. =) Best wishes.

    Last edited by kiwi05; 09-23-2008 at 07:06 AM. Reason: mistake

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 07:09 AM   #4
    jacritch
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    Re: Trying to move on after emotional abuse

    Rose93 thanks for your response. My ex-husband and I are friends now...I never had closure before the divorce. Three years ago my husband became paralyzed from Transverse Myelitis....he recovered (walks w/a limp) and he left because he couldn't deal w/ his illness and we grew apart over the years. Everyone that heard that we were divorcing were shocked because we had the "perfect marriage" in thier eyes. He never controlled me or refused me to go anywhere...so I was not used to someone that wanted control over me.

    I can't have a relationship until I am happy w/in myself. Over the past 13 years we were married...my brother died....my kids (from a previous marriage) diagnosed w/schizophrenia...I have a six year old grandson....my mom died three years ago on my anniversary...I took care of her until she died...I got custody of my grandson for a year...my son had a colostomy a year and a half ago....so life has been hell but I have been able to go on...I have a real hard time w/not being able to get through this emotional abuse stuff. I won't go back to work until I feel I am ready and not vulnerable.

    Judy

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 07:20 AM   #5
    jacritch
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    Re: Trying to move on after emotional abuse

    Kiwi05 Thank you for your reply...Sounds like you are doing great! You are my daughter's age and to have the wisdom you do at such a young age is an inspiration to me. In my head I now that I didn't deserve to be treated that way...but he was such a master manipulator that I thought is was really love. I am going kayaking w/a girlfriend on Sunday. I am trying to find the little things in life that make me happy. My grandson is going to spend the night w/me tonight and he is the light of my life. He was even put on the back burner....something I said I would never do. Now I can make up for the past 10 months and look at it as my next journey.

    Thank you and I wish you the best too.

    Hugs,
    Judy

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 07:27 AM   #6
    kiwi05
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    Re: Trying to move on after emotional abuse

    Sounds like a beautiful plan so far =) Keep it up girl, i know you can do it ^^

    Sarah

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 01:11 PM   #7
    rose93
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    Re: Trying to move on after emotional abuse

    Judy,

    You are taking all the right steps. Keep it up and do not give up. It would be good if you find another job and not go to the same company. You do not need that extra anxiety.
    Good luck and stay strong THERAPY HELPS!

     
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