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Need some help understanding where to go from here...

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Old 09-27-2008, 09:06 AM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3
cmlyna HB User
Need some help understanding where to go from here...

Hi all,

I need some advice as I'm in such a funk. I met someone 3 1/2 months ago through mutual friends. We had an instant connection and started dating. I was very nervous about dating again as I hadn't dated in a year due to being burned by the last guy I had dated. I did reach out to the new guy and told him that I really wanted to take things slow as I wasn't real good at dating. At first, he said that he thought maybe I wasn't ready to date and he shouldn't see me but then he said, he understood and would take things as slow as I wanted.

A couple of months later, after spending really every night together, we both realized that we were falling in love with eachother. It was real and we both felt comfortable talking about our feelings toward eachother. All went fast but sometimes that happens.. I don't believe there you can put a time on when you fall in love with someone.

We started arguing about very petty and trivial things and these arguments had started to boil over and would end with me or him going home to our own place. The next day, I would contact him via text and try to talk to him and he would be rather rude and say "why would I want to talk to you?" and some other ridiculous things and then we would eventually talk and things would be fine. He would tell me that I have no idea how much he loves me and he wished I did and that I was his world and why do I NOT believe that?

I have found that he has some issues surrounding abandonment (he is divorced with a son and came home one day to find his house empty and ex-wife and son gone). I am aware of what he went through and have always tried to be supportive of that.

A couple of more times, these arguements have happened and he would shut down, not talk to me and just tell me to leave him alone. When he does this, I feel uncomfortable and then ask "Do you want me to leave?"..... When I utter those six words, he blows up. I tell him I don't want to leave but I don't know what else to do if he is shutting down on me. When I say that, he responds with "Yes, I want you to leave and get out".... I then get upset and he shows no response to my sadness and tells me to get out now. So, I leave and go home all messed up. This has happened three times. All three times, I would get in touch with him a day or two later and he would tell me it's over and to find someone else to play games with and that I am a fake. He says that all of what he thought of me was a mere dream that that he doesn't need me running away all of the time and won't deal with it.

The third time, I had asked if he would talk to me (after 3 days of no contact). He said that he did and that he was waiting for me. We got together and I really opened my heart to him and said that I know I cannot ask if you want me to leave as that triggers you to go nuts but I need to know how to handle you when you shut down on me. He said to tell him I am hurting him by doing that and he will stop.

So, now I'm going to go to where I am today. A week ago, we had a great dinner and we were laughing and having a wonderful evening together. We went to bed and we were both real tired. I was laying on his chest and I coughed... he snapped, "Are you all set with that or what?"... I was taken back and said, "Sorry, I couldn't help the cough -- you didn't have to be so mean to me"... He then said he was dozing off and it startled him. I then rolled to my own side and there was no goodnight, no nothing... so I said in a rather sarcastic way, "Goodnight, Joe".... and he got ticked off that I was being sarcastic. I started going into that I don't understand why he is so cold to me and blah, blah, blah... I admit, I was arguing with him and feeling sorry for myself... He ended up getting mad because he was tired and had to get up very early in the morning. I then couldn't sleep and he was upset that I was tossing and turning... so I asked what do you want me to do? He said he was confused and that I can be so nice and then act like a jerk for no reason... He didn't know what to do anymore..... so I got all messed up with that and asked the dreaded, "do you want me to leave?"... and he lost his mind. He said he was really ****** now... I then asked if he would talk to me about it and he said "no".... I decided to go out to the couch for the night and then he called me into the bedroom and told me that "Yes, I want you to leave now"... I told him I didn't want to leave and he told me to "get out"... I was beside myself as to how he was treating me... he got SO ANGRY. I got my things together and was crying... he came out and said "You get out now, you are scum and you are dirt"... I told him I was not and he said, "yes you are".... I then left..........

The next day, I texted him and told him that I didn't want to start anything but it was important for him to know that I was very hurt by him throwing me out and calling me scum and dirt... He texted back that I had hurt him for the last time and that he is never going back to this, etc. I replied back that I never wanted to leave but he pushed me out.... He told me to F-off and go tell my BS to someone else and to leave him alone.

I know I started the argument but didn't deserve to be thrown out and treated cruelly. I know why he did it though... by me asking "do you want me to leave". When I ask that, he interprets it as I want out and am pushing him away and that I want to run away from the relationship. He has told me this. But I was leaving the SITUATION at that time, NOT HIM or the RELATIONSHP! He can't see that!!!!!!!

We both have alot of stress right now... I have been out of work and searching for a job for 7 months and it's been very stressful for me... and he has stress with his ex-wife on some issues with his 9 year old son.......

I know where I went wrong and want to fix this. I love him with all of my heart....

So, we had no contact for 5 days and then I texted him this past Wednesday night that I wanted to call him... He texted back "No".... then I just texted that I love him and miss him and would like to talk sometime and if he didn't, I will move on but that isn't what I want. He then texted back that he has "too much going on in his life now with what is going on with his son. I don't need you playing games with me now. You should really think about if you love me because you are in and out of my life and people who LOVE eachother work through anything without running away. If you want what is best for me, move on without me because I CANNOT make you happy or secure and trust is everything. I'm sorry but I lost ALL trust with you. I'm sorry, my heart is killing. Life is unfair sometimes but you deal"

I then texted him and told him I never ran away from him or the relationship.... I didn't know what to do and wanted to leave the argument. I told him I knew why he thought the way he did and that my door and heart are always open for him if he wanted to connect with me.

He never responded back that night.. then the next day, he texted me with "Did you see our boy, Eli last night?"... (America's got Talent -- Eli is a finalist - we watched that show together all of the time)... I then texted him with "did you mean to send this text to me? If so, No, I was watching something else".... and he never responded back to that.

So, finally, I did call him yesterday a.m. and told him that I really want to talk to him and would like to work things out. He told me that he is moving on and that having contact with me is making it very hard for him. He said that he doesn't understand why I play with his emotions.... ??????? I never played with his emotions.... Anyway, he said he would think about it and would give me a call last night or at least try. I told him that I only want him to come back if that is what he truly wants and that if he doesn't, I just need that closure.....I didn't get the call, however, he texted me later in the evening and it read, "I know I said I would call you tonite. I'm not up for talking. Sorry. I am having a difficult time dealing with everything." I responded with "I understand. Whenever you're ready"....

That's where we are... I am dying inside... I don't know if it's truly over or if he is just so hurt and doesn't know what to do?????? Everyone tells me that knows him says that he does care very much and he has a temper and has a tendancy to withdraw.

Any advice on how to STOP thinking about it and feeling good? I can't eat, sleep or anything.....

BTW: He is 38 and I am 41... Sorry for the loooong posting... feel free to ask any questions.


I know I cannot contact him now... it's up to him.. but I feel like I'm hanging. If he didn't care, he would have just never sent the text last night.... So, now what do I do?

Last edited by cmlyna; 09-27-2008 at 10:15 AM. Reason: left ending out

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Old 09-27-2008, 09:30 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,365
AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
Re: Need some help understanding where to go from here...

Until he and you are ready to let go of your baggage this isn't going to work. He is too hurt and you can't fix him he has to fix himself and the same for you. It is time for you to stop all this and move on. At your age you all are going to have some kind of broken relationships but you just have to let go of the past before you move on. We all have baggage and ex loves but if you can't heal from it and move on then your next relationship isn't going to work. And nor should you have to walk on egg shells with a brand new guy. This guy sounds like his wounds are so raw that you have become his ex. ...this is not good and don't try to fix him because you can't just back away and find someone not so scarred. Try not to date the same kind of guy you always gravitate to ...find someone totally different and see what happens.

Old 09-27-2008, 09:44 AM   #3
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3
cmlyna HB User
Re: Need some help understanding where to go from here...

Thank you, Anne. I know we all have baggage and I am totally over all of my past. I was ready for a relationship when I met him.

I know he has some issues from his past that he is still dealing with.

I know that he and I had something great up until the arguments and I'm a firm believer that anything is repairable if two people really love eachother.

He is very much aware of his issues and has told me he wants to and is working on those. And he was.

I don't want to let go of him or give up on him. The last thing I did was lay out my feelings for him and let him know that I wanted to work it out with him if he still wanted to. He knows how much I care and love him and he knows that I want to work it out.......... I don't know what to make of his last text where he says he is having a difficult time dealing with everything.

Does he need time? Does he want to move on? If he did want to actually move on, would he have even taken the time to text me that last text?

He has acted in the past like he didn't want to work it out and then when we got to talking, after the talk, he says how he never was going to walk away, he only wanted to be sure that we were both on the same page.

I am clinging to hope that he will call me but am sick over "hoping"............

Do you understand?

I don't want to date anyone else. I believe that we have something great and if we can move past it, it will strengthen our relationship. He has even said that before.... we have issues, we talked about them and he said he felt so much closer to me.

I don't gravitate to the same type of men..... I know what his issues are and have never been with someone like him before.

Last edited by cmlyna; 09-27-2008 at 09:47 AM. Reason: left something out

Old 09-27-2008, 10:47 AM   #4
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: London
Posts: 117
Christine73 HB User
Re: Need some help understanding where to go from here...

For a start, forgive me for saying this, but by reading your post I thought both of you were both have been acting very immaturely it seems to me.

All this breaking up and making up belongs to kids who are testing new relationships, it is a lot of drama for two people as old as you are. I'm sorry, I hope I haven't offended you with that.

Secondly, it seems that you are always the one calling him first and trying to 'fix' things...surely it can't always be your fault??

And thirdly, a lot of men go into a 'cave' when they are upset, it is the way they are built, nothing you can do about it until they decide to come out again

If you do decide to get back together (and I wouldn't after the names he called you, grief!), the next time he is upset, just leave him alone until he comes round.

Good luck, there would be too much drama in this relationship for me

Old 09-27-2008, 11:13 AM   #5
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3
cmlyna HB User
Re: Need some help understanding where to go from here...

Thanks, Christine. I do realize that when things get bad, we both act foolishly... He more than I, I have to admit. Yes, I have always been the one to go to him to try to 'fix' things and he would make me stew a little bit and then say he wanted to work it out. I've been the one to come forth with where I thought I contributed to the problem and to be quite frank, he would say sorry but never really sees or admits to his issues and wrongdoings.

Please understand that when things were good, they were great! He and I have so much in common, like the same things and are very compatible in every way except for how we handle eachother during arguments. I have done a much better job in handling him and he doesn't seem to know how to handle me or his own temper. He just continues to shut down.... and nothing I can do will help so I feel as if I should leave and that is what ultimately puts us apart..... when I do leave (and I'm just leaving the situation and giving him space) he thinks I'm running away from him and then says it's over. I think his maturity level in dealing with this is a real problem... he just withdraws.

Like I said in the other posts, I have told him that I haven't been running away from him and the relationship but rather the argument. I told him I love him and my door is open if he wanted to talk about anything (which I would like to do).

I think I have done all I can to lay out my true feelings and that I want to work it out if he does.

I can't do anymore. I do believe he is really hurt over this but maybe cannot admit to himself that he has to learn to deal with his temper and withdrawal better... so it's easier to blame me and walk away. I hope this is not the case.

I guess I just have to give it time? I just keep waiting for the phone to ring. It's killing me.

Old 09-27-2008, 12:10 PM   #6
Junior Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 23
vm189 HB User
Re: Need some help understanding where to go from here...

I know you still want to be with him, but it really sounds to me like you are better off without him. No matter how good things are when you're getting along, it is not ok the way he puts you down and tries to hurt you when you're arguing. It seems borderline abusive. It's one thing to argue, but he shouldn't be trying to undermine your self esteem by saying you're a bad person and all that. It's hard not to get kind of hooked on the drama, but if someone repeatedly tries to make you feel bad on purpose, they're really not the right person for you.

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