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  • Within This Shell...

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    Old 09-29-2008, 01:09 PM   #1
    EDC_Light
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    Within This Shell...

    Quote:
    Stuck within this shell...

    Sometimes I look down at myself, this body dangling from my eye gates. Sometimes I look into a mirror at the reflection starring back at me. Sometimes I wonder why I'm here. . . . why I'm IN here. . . . . in THAT shell I'm looking at in the mirror? I've seen 'worse conditions' in my days. Yet, being "almost enough" seems almost more cruel. And the 'once upon a time, that never comes again' IS worse than the 'never happened once'. It's better to have never loved at all, than to have loved and lost. That's the way that saying should have been said.

    My life has been . . . . rough, since October of 2006. I can honestly say that I haven't really been happy since then. The pain of . . . .that pain . . . .has subsided, perhaps even forgiveness given. Heck, I probably would have done the same thing, if I were in her shoes. Oh, I forgot. I have a soul. But I think I DO understand why she did it. I was never a person that someone wanted to REALLY be with. I recognize my own faults from that time. It must be torture to have no feelings for a spouse when a new relationship is possible with someone you care more about. Maybe, as in the topic of 'marriage', perhaps that is its 'Achilles' heel '.

    At least 50% of marriages end in divorce. I wonder what the number would be if some weren't 'stuck'? I wonder how many marriage would be together if divorce was as moral as marriage? If it were the same as changing your cellular phone carrier? I bet the number of divorces would be nearly 90%, if that were the case.

    I know that I am no where near the 'best guy in the world'. I lack in many areas, looks, power, amount of money, drive, even personality. . . . . so it makes sense that I'm where I'm at. I don't blame my ex wife for leaving me. I was amazed that she ever had those feelings. She was the first. True, they ultimately were not sincere. Someone better came along. But that's always going to be the case. Someone 'better', . . . or shall I say, . . 'new' will always come along. We are hardwired to fail in this area. Not just relationships, but in the area of our own narcissism. Our own fascination with ourselves, and what will bring US the most happiness, and this happens in all aspects of life. God forbid that anyone else stand in the way of our petty narcissism!

    I must admit a grave weakness. I am often very jealous. I'm stuck in this shell, and I SO MUCH want to be in another. I look at the extreme fortune of others, now, . . . and even in the future. . . . , with envious eyes. The life that could have been mine. The life that isn't mine. The life that won't be mine in the future. The friend, . . . . the dancer, . . . . the woman I don't really know...., . . . and I have to ask myself why I had to be placed in this shell?

    I'm not just interested in companionship, the 'any person will do because I'm desperate'. I'm not . . . . .at all! I've always wanted extraordinary. I thought I had it before, . . .with the ex wife. . . . . . and I really thought we were 'forever'. It wasn't extraordinary, as I discovered. It was all too common, I'm afraid. I was just the schmuck that didn't realize it.

    I'm stuck in this shell, wanting extraordinary, but realizing that this shell probably won't acquire more than mediocrity. The truth is, people can tell me that 'I'm too picky' if they want. I will openly state that it is true! I AM picky. I don't want 'just because they're single too'. I'm not interested in something that doesn't take my breath away. I have no desire for . . . eventually being in the place my ex found herself in. . . . . . married to someone she didn't love or care about.

    I am a lifelong student of logic. Probability would dictate that, within this shell, I will remain alone, not in a solitary sense (there are some people in my life, ...friends, family), but at the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow.. . . . . . I am alone. Silence has its place and is useful when you want to go to sleep, but sometimes I would welcome some sleep deprivation. . . .

    In this shell, . . . . wishing I was in another. . . . and another. . . .and another . . . Why does THIS shell have to stare back at me in the mirror?
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    Last edited by EDC_Light; 09-29-2008 at 01:15 PM.

     
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    Old 09-29-2008, 02:06 PM   #2
    andiesq70
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    Re: Within This Shell...

    EDC, I'm not sure if you are looking for a response but what you wrote was beautifully sad. I believe there is hope for everyone and we are our own worst enemy, which you insinuated in your post. I do not see anything wrong with wanting the extraordinary, the ordinary with that extra bit more! I am lucky to have a husband (of 17 years----and not all of them have been easy) who is wonderful inside and out, so I cannot understand your pain with divorce. Although I know the statistics for divorce are high and too many people give up without trying (my opinion). I wish you the best of luck on whatever the future may bring you! One of my favorite quotes: "Life is not measured by the number or breaths you take, but by every moment that takes your breath away."

    Last edited by andiesq70; 09-29-2008 at 02:07 PM.

     
    Old 09-29-2008, 02:24 PM   #3
    EDC_Light
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    Re: Within This Shell...

    Yes, I was interested in people's replies of this. I appreciate your input. I do wish that it wasn't a sad piece, but this is the truth of how I view my world and who I see around me (the "envy" part). It's a shame that "happily ever after" is a rare jewel these days.

    Blessings!
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    Old 09-29-2008, 10:17 PM   #4
    negot
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    Re: Within This Shell...

    EDC, I agree with you about the divorce rates if people didn't feel "stuck". At least 90 % of marriages would end in my opinion. (I am one of the stuck ones).

     
    Old 09-30-2008, 09:54 PM   #5
    Niclolu
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    Re: Within This Shell...

    There is a story, or a parable, that describes two entities: darkness and light. I cannot remember how it goes exactly but darkness resides in a cave and all it sees is darkness. Light enters the cave to inspect this darkness, but all it sees is light.

    Your reference to the shell that you have been handed by your maker is enveloped in darkness so that is all you see. I can fully relate to your eloquent words. I am often in awe of people, whom despite their circumstances, can always see light. That is what I strive for; to be able to transcend the circumstances that life hands me and see the positive side of everything...to see the positive side of me. That is difficult to do when our eyes are used to being closed to shut out the world or slitted to shield out lightness and distort things so that we can see what we believe to be the truth.

    Ultimately, it is our choice what we want to see, or feel. Despite the people in our lives who leave us feeling empty and make us miserable, or stick around and make us miserable. And many people will agree, it is the light in us that makes us beautiful, and the world along with it. Imagine that.

    From one who is also "stuck"

    Last edited by Niclolu; 09-30-2008 at 09:57 PM.

     
    Old 10-01-2008, 07:35 AM   #6
    EDC_Light
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    Re: Within This Shell...

    What I wrote IS something coming from a "darkness". I really do recognize my good traits, . . . .was even complimented on one of them, last night, by someone who I respected his opinion (one of my few talents).

    When I was writing this, I was focused on my failures of the past. Not being a person that a girl would be interested in, long term. I know it kept me from having a great relationship with one of my closest friends, now married, . . . The other "dark place" deals with the pain of my divorce and the acknoledgement of my inadequacies even today, as well as realizing the truth of a few other scenarios [relationhips] that will never happen. I see the man who will be in that relationship with envious eyes. It is a failing on my part, I admit it. Yet, their extreme fortune is what I see as THEIR light, which I am blocked from, . . . creating this "shadow of darkness".

    Currently, I'm trying to find my way out of the darkness you suggested and find myself within a comfortable light. I'm trying to do so with the understanding that it will be an "alone/self" journey.

    I DO feel for the two of you who admit your "stuck-ness". I really hope that this turns around for you. . . . . that whomever in your relationships, who is causing the feelings of "being stuck", will turn their life around and heal the relationship.
    __________________
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    Last edited by EDC_Light; 10-01-2008 at 07:36 AM.

     
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