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    Old 10-02-2008, 05:45 AM   #1
    msfeisty
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    Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    The title states precisely that. A very controlling, insecure, paranoid, abusive, miserable, pot-head boyfriend... that i nearly got rid of. I big part of me is SO MISERABLE and FRUSTRATED I can just cry and scream! I feel so angry for being with him - can you really love somebody that acts so ignorant? Or do you just "love" them out of habit because you have been with their stupid A** for so long? A part of me just refuses to believe that I really "love" him when he upsets me so much! EVERYDAY - there is always something. I get THE EYE when my pants are too tight. I get some kind of underlying comment when I spray my perfume. This brings tears to my eyes but I feel like when i dress frumpy and daggy he is happy. I dont get it. I already feel crappy as it is because I have gained about 10 pounds and I have a petite frame. I just feel so frustrated and I want OUT! i want out! out! out! of this miserable relationship. I know I want to get out and be happy. HE IS SO CONTROLLING! I just realized he says he is sorry for saying ignorant things but I feel that will never change because I dont think he thinks he is really doing anything wrong. How do i get out of this? I have a lease that I signed with him and to break it will cost 2000 dollars.

     
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    Old 10-02-2008, 06:39 AM   #2
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    So...you don't know whether this is true love or not, hmmm? LOL, but seriously, this is a very miserable situation to be in. How long is your lease? Can you sublet to somebody and move out? It sounds as if this relationship is a no-goer; if you are this desperate now, think a few years ahead, Can you see yourself happy with him then? I think you are right about the habit of loving, it is hard to let go of that love even if it has been trampled on, somehow it still peeps up and makes itself felt. try and get out sooner rather than later, and don't look back. Sera.

     
    Old 10-02-2008, 06:45 AM   #3
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    Im JUST SO SICK AND FRUSTRATED! My lease ends December. I just feel so tired of fighting. We got into it today because he was giving me a hard time about my slack pants. He says they were skin tight - which was not true. Yes you can see the outline of my shape but its not to the point where my circulation is cut off! He interprets my way of dressing as a way to get attentino from other men. I dont even know where to begin with explaining this! I get so frustrated and mad because he just says the most ignorant things!!!

     
    Old 10-02-2008, 07:01 AM   #4
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    decembers right around the corner.....start making a plan and follow thru with it......you need to get away from him.

     
    Old 10-02-2008, 07:06 AM   #5
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    The lady I work with says I play a big part with all this fighting and drama over the phone with him. I guess that is true. My boyfriend has a habit of saying REALLY ignorant s#%t then hanging up the phone. To me, I just feel that is so ridiculous, I CALL BACK, trying to explain how ridiculous that way of thinking is and what a dumb*** he is for saying that. Well what i fail to realize... I am a part of that problem. I let him push my buttons and get me all riled up and upset... FOR NOTHING. because at the end of the day... after all that fussing, crying, and arguing over the phone - what am i doing different? He is still the same person and he isnt going to change nor accept what Im saying because if he he did, we wouldnt be arguing over the same darn thing OVER and OVER and OVER again. I am wasting my time getting all upset and crying... because Im still going home with him and we are still going to lay down on that bed. So really, I got all bent out of shape for NOTHING. What a horrible way to live life. Unless, I decide to put my foot down and leave... I might as well accept and stop arguing with him because its not going to get better!

    Last edited by msfeisty; 10-02-2008 at 07:09 AM.

     
    Old 10-02-2008, 07:14 AM   #6
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR ME TO LET HIM GO WHEN I AM SO SICK OF HIM?? PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS. At one point, we were broke up and I wanted him back to make it work. Is it easier to stay in this miserable relationship? THAN SAY BYE AND START ALL OVER AGAIN ON YOUR OWN? Whatever it is... I dont know. I dont want to stay but I also dont know how to let go.

     
    Old 10-02-2008, 07:16 AM   #7
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by msfeisty View Post
    What a horrible way to live life. Unless, I decide to put my foot down and leave... I might as well accept and stop arguing with him because its not going to get better!

    so what are you going to do? just accept it? just settle?
    is that what you'd advise a friend or possibly even your daughter to do (if you had one)

     
    Old 10-02-2008, 07:20 AM   #8
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    I WANT OUT. But i dont get why im wanting to hang on. My entire family lives in Australia and Im stuck here. i dont know if Im afraid to venture on unfamiliar grounds? I dont know if I hang on to him because I dont have friends to hang on to. This past 2 years, I have been with him and only know of his circle. Whatever it is, Im having a really hard time letting go. I dont know if its the battered-woman syndrome or what but... I need to understand why Im experiencing this. I refuse to wait until Im so fed up with him... to the point that I hate his guts then say bye. That could take years... I am not going to keep taking this crap. IM SICK OF IT.

     
    Old 10-02-2008, 07:26 AM   #9
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    pick up some books and read them


    co-dependent no more

    the verbally abusive relationship

    controlling people

     
    Old 10-02-2008, 10:20 AM   #10
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    You need to get out of this.... it's a NO WIN

    First of all.... has he done anything physical to you OR does he break things... rant... like he's out of control "yet"?

    YOU WROTE: "So really, I got all bent out of shape for NOTHING. What a horrible way to live life. Unless, I decide to put my foot down and leave... I might as well accept and stop arguing with him because its not going to get better!"

    You are NOT bent out of shape over nothing! This man is trying to own your soul... and you say that is nothing?? You don't accept the behavior.... you accept that you can't change it.... and that you MUST LEAVE. You can't fight with someone like this... he is a NO WIN. Simply say : I'm not going to argue about this. I don't tell you how to dress and then DROP IT. Same with perfume or whatever. If he goes nuts, simply ignore him.... let him go balistic all on his own.... just ignore him, go out... take a walk... don't argue with him... don't say ANYTHING more. If you feel this man is capable of hurting you....then call the police.


    There is a pattern that you can fall into like a battered women syndrome... if you're not fully in it you sound very close to it. The fact that you are feeling "alone", no friends except his, your family is so far away adds to this feeling of helplessness. Ask yourself what would have to be different in your life right now that would make it easier for you to leave. Would it be your lease? Friends locally? Money? Could you or would you leave if everything was in place or do you love this guy even though he's abusing you (yes, abuse... it's called emotional battery). So you are being battered, it just hasn't got physical "YET".

    When I was very young I had a boyfriend, who the minute we started living together became just like yours (except for the telling me how to dress). He was very jealous of EVERYONE. First I tried to assure him nothing was going on as I had never dealt with a person like this. Then I got to the point where I saw that no matter what I did he wasn't going to be happy and that he had a serious problem. We fought constantly and with someone like that you NEVER win with them. They thrive on the fight, it's part of their M.O. to do combat with you. Since it was my home, when he started I would throw him out and then it took him throwing a key that almost hit one of my pets for me to see the proverbial light and I ended it. I got so mad that I charged him, opened the door and screamed "OUT". That was it and it was done. Trust me ..... these guys will literally suck the life and spirit out of your soul if YOU LET THEM.

    No person has the right to tell you how to dress, what to do, or bottom line try to OWN you. This is NOT love. This is someone that only feels what he thinks is love when you are "obeying him". Try telling him what to wear and questioning everything he does and see what kind of reaction you get. Ask yourself if a sister or friend of yours came to you and told you that the man in their life was treating them the way this man is treating you .... what would you say to them? Would tell them to stay with him?

    You probably have feelings mixed up in all this but the bottom line is you can't have anything but an escalating, miserable and DANGEROUS life with someone like this man. The man I was with got to the point where he was bashing holes in the walls of my home and even now I can't believe I actually put up with him as long as I did. Make a plan and get away from him as soon as you can. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE..... it will only get worse.

    Last edited by cathy1; 10-02-2008 at 11:02 AM.

     
    Old 10-02-2008, 10:30 AM   #11
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    Well, I think you have answered a lot of your own questions. Your family is a half a world away. You don't have any friends (no doubt due to your controlling boyfriend). In reality all you have is him and that is EXACTLY what he wants!

    December is not that far off. What you do is start making a plan. Save some money in another account (if you share one or he knows your info or whatever) to put towards moving. When he starts to go after you verbally you ignore him. Don't try to reason with him or any of that because he gets off on that. You said yourself you can't change him and that is true, so why try so hard to get your point across when it falls on deaf ears?

    I too am curious to know if he has put his hands on you or breaks things? Because if he does you NEED to call the police and get his butt removed from your place. You will also be able to get a restraining order and that will help (hopefully).

    It is hard to leave. Controlling men have a way of isolating and brainwashing. But no, it is NOT better to stay. Once you get away and are able to breath you will appreciate your space and your alone time. Then you can take steps to get to know others around you that you haven't before. Don't be affraid to leave because you are affraid of the unknown. Change is scary, but not nearly as scary as living with a man like him!

     
    Old 10-03-2008, 08:12 AM   #12
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    Cathy1 and Happymom thank you for your response. He hasnt hit me or anything. He said something really cruel to me in the past which resulted in me beating his chest - not a smart move. No, he hasnt hit me or anything. I do keep the fights going... He says I wont "stop running my mouth" - i just dont comprehend how someone can be so jealous, controlling and ignorant! That upsets me so much and for some reason, I COULD NOT let it go. I just could not comprehend how someone can act and BE so stupid! And I LET HIM PUSH MY BUTTONS! I have tried to ignore him one time and act like I didnt care - oh my gosh - it infuriates him even more. He will go COMPLETELY out of his way to upset me. He smarted off one time telling me I was sitting too close to this one of his guy friends - which was a complete lie! He was already angry and for some reason used me as an outlet to GO OFF! He said "you're all up on him arent you - let me move out of the coach" VERY IGNORANT - so instead of rationalizing I just said "oh. okay" -OMG!!!!!! HE WENT OFF! WHEN THEY LEFT HE STARTED CALLING ME NAMES. I TRIED TO IGNORE HIM. THEN HE STARTED PACKING HIS STUFF! Well at that point, I caved in. I dont understand how you can start packing your stuff and leave over something so stupid! its practically something HE IMAGINED!

    He does suck the life out of me. Being with him drains me and exhausts me so much! It takes so much effort and TIME to be with him and I dont comprehend why. I never seem to have time to study or do anything that I used to LOVE and do. I feel like to be with him, I have to accept his ways and conform to his ways... AND LOSE MYSELF IN THE PROCESS. To answer one of your questions, if my little sister was living with me - it would be so easy to kick him out. She is 15 and Im 21 and... we are super close. If I had girl friends it would be a lot easier... but you are right... I dont have any because I stay with him!!!!!!!!!

    To answer that question about love, well well well... I dont know if I love him the way you should love a man. I think I have loved him and was in love with him at one point... but he took me thru so much and we HAVE crossed a line of no return... that I think I "love" him out of habit. I care about him very much but its not the way it used to be. He asked me last night if I love him and I said yes... then he asked WHY - I HONESTLY COULD NOT COME UP WITH ONE. I thought well... 1) he treats me good (thats not true. He calls me a stupid B**** when he gets mad at me and makes threats to walk out just because it hurts my feelings 2) He is thoughtful - (I cant think of a time he was. He used to be... but we broke up and got back together August. Ever since we got back - he has been HORRIBLE) 3)I can keep going...

    He doesnt even have the quatlities that I look for in a mate. Not motivated at all. No long term goals or plan for his future. He just tells me he wants to go to school someday but doesnt know when, what for and how tos! he is just out there - if that makes any sense. I guess when it boils down to it... I have been so used to being with him - I cant really imagine not! - i know this sounds ridiculous but - its the truth!

    Last edited by msfeisty; 10-03-2008 at 08:19 AM.

     
    Old 10-03-2008, 10:25 AM   #13
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    Do you have insurance? Go and talk to someone about this. You are allowing the person you once were to slip away. Aside from your lease etc, there must be a reason why you feel it's ok to be verbally abused by a man. You say you hate it and you are miserable but you are falling into what so many women fall into with a controlling man.... you are losing your sense of what is right and what is wrong.

    It almost sounds like being with him is better then being alone. There is no point AT ALL in trying to get him to see what he is doing wrong. It's pointless.... useless... he will never get it unless he gets professional help. So no matter how hard you try or how logical you think you can be, it is wasted on him. Of course ignoring his outbursts will infuriate him even more.... he is a bully and bullies and abusers THRIVE on the fight as it allows them to vent even more of their rage and what they feel is their justified anger at you. I remember how bad it was when I was with the abusive man that tried to control my life. I stayed because I was young, my friends were his friends.. I thought I'd never meet anyone else.. etc etc.... well... I did meet someone else and I wasted precious time with an abuser. I STILL feel shame that I put up with him for ONE MINUTE and this was over 20 years ago. Now, if a man even has a shred of even "seeming" controlling he is GONE in a second. You need to find out why you are allowing someone to abuse you...you are saying you can't imagine not being with someone who is treating you with zero respect, who is verbally abusing you, and is for all intents and purposes .... sick.

    It appears it's more then just money and your lease as you keep saying you don't know why you're still staying beyond the money part. trust me.. just because he hasn't hurt you yet, doesn't mean it won't happen.

    Next time he starts to pack... help him .... open the door for him... and say goodbye to a man that is an abuser.

    Last edited by cathy1; 10-03-2008 at 10:44 AM.

     
    Old 10-03-2008, 01:31 PM   #14
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    I have also had the displeasure of being with (and almost escaping from) a controlling boyfriend. It was my first relationship, so initially I thought the way he treated me was normal.

    He did things similar to what your BF has done...he'd get jealous of any of my male friends who would speak to me, even going so far as to tell them off for talking to "his woman". I never really wore girly clothes, but my ex did not like when I wore anything revealing in public...when I went to look for a graduation dress, he demanded to come with me and he tried his hardest to talk me out of anything strapless, backless, shorter than floor length, had anything less than spaghetti straps...you get the idea.

    I tried to leave him once and I explained it was because he was treating me like garbage, and I told him he had a month to learn to act like a normal human being. He did so...for a month. I gave him another chance, thinking he'd really changed. But nope...once that month ended - to the exact day - he went back to his awful behavior. He construed what I said to mean, "You said if I acted nice for a month, you'd stay with me".

    With the help of a dear friend (who later became my BF), I left my ex for good. But he didn't go down without a fight...he threatened to hurt my friend, he threatened to kill himself and/or other people and told me for a year after I left him how he still loved me and wished we were still together.

    It is very difficult to leave a controller, because they force you to feel like you need them and that they are right when they insult you or belittle you. They know if they can break you down and build you back up according to their liking, you will never leave. You'll take any abuse they throw at you with a smile and figure you've no way out.

    It sounds like your BF is working on the breakdown right now. Please do not let him, because once he has his claws in you, you will never leave him. He wants an emotional punching bag - don't let it be you. It took a metaphorical slap in the face from a friend to realize I could leave and that I didn't have to stand for the emotional abuse.

    You don't need a counselor or anything, but maybe when your lease is up, a friend can sort of be your emotional support if you try to leave him. Have them be present if/when you choose to dump your controller, and make sure they don't let you waver in your decision, even if they have to drag you kicking and screaming from the room.

    A controller will threaten physical abuse when they don't get their way...sometimes they act on it, and sometimes they do not. It's best not to take the chance by going about a break-up alone. My ex was not psychotic enough to try and hurt my BF, but some guys are nuts enough to make good on their threats. Have someone with you if you choose to leave...a friend, a parent, an officer, a relative, anyone. Controllers are less likely to try and attack if you are not alone.

    I wish you the best of luck. I know no one wants to pay $2000 to break a lease, and I realize it will be hard to stick it out until December. I hope things will begin to look up for you. Being with a controller stinks.

     
    Old 10-04-2008, 05:00 AM   #15
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    Re: Controlling boyfriend THAT I ALMOST got rid of

    I just find leaving so hard because I dont really have any friends to turn to. All the friends that I have are his friends, if not his relatives! The woman Im closest to - who agrees that he is completely retarded like the rest of his family - is married to his brother! LOL! Her husband on the other hand is far from controlling and psychotic. She is miserable with her relationship with him solely because she feels like she is raising their 5 month daughter alone. A far different scenario from what Im going through. I dont have family or friends here. I dont have a place to run to - if let's say I dont want to spend the night at my house. Having said that, I feel like in a sense I am alone. Id rather be alone than be miserable.

     
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