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Dark Stranger 10-03-2008 01:05 PM

Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
Some of you may recall my previous topics dealing with my loss of a close friend (due to him moving away). I have realized I have been saying some things to my friend Darren that I really should not be saying.

I will admit that I love him as more than a friend, but I already have a boyfriend whom I love. For the three years Darren and I were in the same dorm, we conceived a deep friendship and did some things average friends don't do (we have slept beside one another a few times, for example). In short, we have a very close relationship.

Lately he has been talking about possibly dating a young lady he met in the town he now lives in, and I have not been taking that well due to these feelings I still have for him. We planned to have me visit him for my Thanksgiving holiday break, and he suggested he might be dating by then. I said if he was, I wouldn't bother coming because I would not want to be a third wheel, and because things would just feel awkward and different. I also had told him if he began to date, our friendship would basically become half of what it currently is. I realized only later how that sounded basically like I was giving him an ultimatum: Pick your date, or me. That was not my intention to make that implication to him, but in essence, what I'd said was true. He and I wouldn't be able to be as close if he was dating someone, and heaven forbid I were to meet this woman, because I would most likely hold a lot of contempt for her.

I'm not saying these things to intentionally make him feel guilty about dating, but they just slip out. I tend to say things I shouldn't when I'm sad. He felt really badly when I said in a fit of crying, "You have a great job lined up, you might be joining a band, and you may soon have a girlfriend. You won't need me in your life any more". I really do feel that way, but I know I should not have said it.

I don't want to end our friendship, and neither does he, but I think I may ask him as nicely as I can to not contact me for a while. My feelings are just not rational and I cannot be making him feel guilty for wanting to be happy...I might tell him that I need some time to sort out the thoughts in my head and to learn to see him as just a friend. The only bad thing is that 'some time' may last forever if I find I cannot get over him.

This wouldn't be so bad if Darren had not admitted to me that he also loved me as more than a friend, wanted to marry me, and said he, unlike my BF, was okay with my lifestyle choices. But out of respect for my current relationship, he did not push the matter on me. I do love my BF very much and I have no intention of leaving him (unless he gives me a reason to), and I realize in this situation, I'm going to be heartbroken no matter what.

Right now, I've been trying to basically desensitize myself to Darren by telling myself all of his flaws and trying to convince myself he and I would never work out. I will also tell myself that if Darren and I are destined to be a couple someday, it will sort itself out and all I have to do is be patient.

Would I be doing the right thing by temporarily cutting off contact with Darren? I don't know of any other way to handle the situation...I've been in this kind of place once before, but in that case, the chips fell in my favor and I ended up with the guy I loved. I don't think it will happen again.

negot 10-03-2008 01:21 PM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
I don't understand your last two sentences. You say you ended up with the guy you loved and that won't happen again. Whom do you love now? It sounds like you both want to eat the cake and have it. You need to first know what you feel and what you want. It is not right that you make your friend feel guilty for being happy. He has told you he has feelings for you and you have decided to stay with your boyfriend. You have made your choice. You can't expect your friend to have no girlfriend in order to please you while you do have a boyfriend. In my opinion, you should be single for a while and figure out your feelings because what you are feeling doesn't seem fair to your friend nor your boyfriend.

Dark Stranger 10-03-2008 07:00 PM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus

You're really just telling me things I already know, although I see no reason why I should leave my BF over this. He's done nothing wrong and nothing worthy of a break-up and I see no reason to leave him and put him through pain if there's a very good chance, in the end, I will end up with him anyway.

I've already told Darren that I did not expect him to abstain from dating just to please me, but chances are if he begins to date, I may slowly cease contact with him lest I say something regrettable about his potential partner or him. As much as I will tell him otherwise, I will likely inherently grow to resent him a lot if he dates someone. I will not hold it against him, but I have a good feeling that is what my mind will start to think, which is why I would probably consider abandoning all contact with him.

It stinks that I may have to throw away a three-year-long friendship over this, especially considering how much I cried, thinking about how he might forget me. It seems hypocritical, but I don't know how else to cope other than to cut him off. I'm not used to dealing with these kinds of conflicting feelings, which is why my manner of handling them is less than ideal.

If it comes down to me having to say goodbye, I hope he understands that I would be doing so out of his and my own best interests.

Clearly 10-03-2008 07:47 PM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
I'm not trying to be mean but, if he was able to handle you having a bf all this time, then there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to handle him having a gf. I've had a lot of guy friends and while I may get a little jealous of their new gfs, I still make a real effort to get to know the girl and try to become friends, too. It has worked out alright in the past for me. I think you should try it.

Dark Stranger 10-03-2008 10:18 PM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
Trust me when I say he has been jealous of my BF and of a couple former male friends who made passes at me, just like I have been a little jealous when he would end up fooling around with some random girl. So, in essence, we were both rather protective of one another...Darren has told me many times himself that he felt I was the only woman for him, which is why he never stuck with any of those others...because they weren't me and because they were complete freaks. I think the distance between us is what would likely make him try to replace me, which I don't blame him for.

He handled my having a BF, but not without envy.

And I might consider getting to know his potential girlfriend, but all the girls he's ended up with were the high-maintenance, clingy types...I've had two men like that in my life and I've no interest in adding more now that the two aforementioned barnacle people are no longer part of my life. That, and I really do not make good friends with females. No offense to the girls or ladies here, but I find a vast majority of women I come into contact with are spoiled, prissy and catty...qualities I don't like in any individual. It's just...I don't "click" with other women unless they are tomboyish like myself, and chances are I'd be fantasizing about the woman's death if she happened to be dating Darren and hanging all over him like most women do with their boyfriends.

Knowing his luck with women, he may simply end up in dead-end relationships. Even if I just use this theory as a personal mantra to keep myself from going crazy, I think it will help me learn to let him go enough to not play head games with him.

Dark Stranger 10-08-2008 01:52 PM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
I told my friend that I wanted to sort of temporarily call it quits and he seemed to take it well. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get these romantic feelings out of my head and start seeing him as just a friend, though. I pray not forever, but considering I cry basically after each call I receive from may just take forever after all. I hope he can forgive me.

Mileena42 10-08-2008 07:07 PM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
Hmmm where to start? How in the world can you justify giving this man an ultimatum about your friendship if he gets a GF when the entire time you have known HIM you were involved with someone else? I think you are attempting to make him choose YOU even before he gets involved. Because you cannot handle seeing him with another woman you are going to cut all ties with him?

If you were truly a friend to this person, you would want him to find happiness anywhere and with whoever he could. I think you enjoy thinking he is in another town and pinning away for you, and when he mentions dating it burst your fantasy bubble.

I also, am not trying to be mean. I want you to re-read your own post with an open mind, and tell me what you think it says about you and the whole situation. You stated yourself you had no intentions of leaving your current what you are saying is if this man wants to remain friends with you then he can never get involved with another woman, meaning his life is lonely and celebate and basically "dying" for a relationship with YOU.

I hope you can come to some kind of terms with your reaction to the idea of this man actually having a life of his own......and if you simply can't then you need to be prepared for the fact that even if he conforms this time and allows you to control his love life from a distance, he will eventually realize that you do not have his best interest at heart. Are YOU ready for that day?


Dark Stranger 10-08-2008 10:26 PM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
I don't want to cut ties with him, because he is a very special person to me. But please know that if I do not distance myself from him for a little while to learn to accept that he and I will never be a couple, I will continue to make him feel badly about being with other women. I don't want to do that to him. So, yes, I really have no choice but to cut him off because I can't deal with him seeing other women. Insane, I know, but I think this is a better solution than me making him feel guilty and making him think there is something wrong with him for wanting to see other women.

I know my thoughts are me, I know I am expecting very illogical things to happen. I do want him to be happy, I really really do. And yes, I'd love for him to choose me...but even if he did, nothing would ever come of it because I am already dating someone I am not willing to leave (unless they give me a reason to). So it would be pointless for him to pursue me, and I don't expect him to do so.

What has happened is that I developed an unacceptably close bond with my friend due to him being my only friend in college. The only way I see for me to accept the choices he makes that I disagree with is to just not talk to him until I can have conversations that do not involve guilt-tripping. That might take forever, sadly. I do not deal with loss all that well, clearly.

As odd as it sounds, I [I]do[/I] have his best interests at heart - I need to take time away from him to sort out the noise in my head and to accept the death of the friend I once had. No one needs a friend who tries to dictate their lives, and I am going to try and let him go. I find distance heals wounds like this, so maybe it will work for me now. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I also don't want to make him feel bad for wanting to have a life beyond me. It's really a no-win situation, but I think in the long run, my current method of dealing with this will be the least painful to us both.

If he dates someone, I won't quit being his friend...I may just become a distant acquaintance because I won't be able to deal with seeing him with another woman, and I refuse to take my resentment out on him for simply living. And let's face it...when he's got a job he likes and a girlfriend, he'll be keeping busy enough that he may very well forget about me. So, perhaps it won't be that big of a loss on his part when I become a memory.

Also...I'm not really giving him an ultimatum. I have not ever said, "Either pick me or a girlfriend" because that would be ridiculous. If he abstains to keep our friendship where it is, that is his choice.

I wish I knew a better way of dealing with this, but sadly, I do not. I feel this is the only way for me to move on, and for him to live happily. I love him, yet I wish I never met him.

WorriednNervous 10-09-2008 03:12 AM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
[quote]Also...I'm not really giving him an ultimatum. I have not ever said, "Either pick me or a girlfriend" because that would be ridiculous. If he abstains to keep our friendship where it is, that is his choice.[/quote]

Here you say you are not giving him an ultimatum but really you are even if you do not see if that way. I can say looking in that is exactly what you are doing.

[quote]We planned to have me visit him for my Thanksgiving holiday break, and he suggested he might be dating by then. [b]I said if he was, I wouldn't bother coming because I would not want to be a third wheel,[/b] and because things would just feel awkward and different. [b]I also had told him if he began to date, our friendship would basically become half of what it currently is.[/b][/quote]

What I bolded is where it seems you are forcing his hand to choice between you and any potential girl that may come into his life. And that is wrong to make someone choose like that. Even tho he may have had a few jealous moments about your boyfriend he still dealt with it because he was your friend and wanted to keep your friendship. Honestly do not see why you would end a friendship with this guy that you say is such a great friend just because he might date. It makes you sound incredibly selfish.

Dark Stranger 10-09-2008 08:21 AM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
Your bolded statements were not made to try and force him into a decision...they were basically just the truth. I would feel like a third wheel if I went to see him, and our friendship really would become less of what it currently is. He would be naive to think otherwise. I was not giving him an ultimatum, but letting him know that would likely end up happening.

Also, if I might ask, how is it selfish of me to want to stay away from my friend when being in contact with him could end with me making him feel guilty? Personally, I think it would be more selfish to continue talking to him while still harboring these feelings and accidentally saying things that hurt his feelings. Yes, I am doing so for my own sanity, but I am also doing so for him, because I refuse to continue making him feel bad over this. I'm not ceasing contact just to hurt him - I'm doing so, basically, in order to let him live happily. Just my opinion, but I think I'm actually being pretty self[I]less[/I] in this situation. :confused:

I think it was easier for him to cope with my relationship because my BF is 300 miles away, and my friend never had to see my BF and I being all cuddly and cute, whereas his potential GF would be nearby and I'd seriously probably want to knock her out if I saw her kiss or cuddle my friend. This is why I would not want to see my friend if he was dating.

Hopefully this will not spark some flaming debate. I really don't know what else to do...if I end the friendship, we'll both be sad, but he can move on without unnecessary guilt trips from crazy me. If we stay where we are now, I'll end up broken-hearted and he'll inevitably be made to feel bad about dating. The former seems a lot less painful for us both. I don't want to end my friendship with him, but it's going to need to be cut down to it's last threads in order to continue, because that's the only way either of us will be able to cope. Do remember that my friend has also expressed that he loves me, so these feelings are not one-sided, and I think he understands why I need to take this time away.

digmusic 10-09-2008 09:50 PM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
I think you are being really unfair to your boyfriend. You say you have no reason to break up with him because he's done nothing wrong, but it's not about him doing something wrong, it's about you doing something wrong. I also think it's hypocritical of you to say that you don't like how Darren's ex-girlfriends were clingy, yet you would be "fantasizing about that woman's death" if she was with him. I don't think you should be with your boyfriend if you're in love with somebody else, regardless of whether or not you end up with Darren. Do you have trouble being alone?

Dark Stranger 10-10-2008 01:44 PM

Re: Considering putting my friendship on hiatus
If this was a matter of me loving the other man and not my BF, or loving the other guy more than my BF, then I would most definitely consider telling my BF I want to break up, even if only temporarily. [B]BUT[/B]...I do love my BF. I know I do, and breaking up with him would just lead to more heartache.

I know I love two men, and I really don't see a reason for cutting both of them out of my life to get over one of them. That makes no sense - that's like having a working toaster and a broken toaster, and deciding to throw both of them away since you couldn't decide which one you'd rather keep around. I'm sure my friend and my BF would love that I am comparing them to toasters :D, but do you understand the point I'm making? One relationship is destined to never work, and currently works, but could break in the future (like the new toaster - this is such a lame comparison), so why remove both relationships from the picture when the one currently being had (my BF) is working fine right now?

I don't have trouble being alone since I have been so for most of my life, but I do have problems with destroying a good relationship with someone I love.

I wouldn't really call myself clingy, though...I have never been the type of girl who has to go everywhere with their man (au contraire, Darren did this to me quite often), I never told him he couldn't go anywhere or do anything that I disapproved of. There's a difference between being mentally clingy and physically clingy, and I'd say if I am clingy at all, I am clingy in my mind. Have you ever known or been with a clingy person? If you had, perhaps you'd understand the difference I'm explaining.

I hope I don't sound snarky or mean...I promise I'm not trying to be. I wish I could assign a tone of voice to my posts so no one gets the wrong idea.

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