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  • Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

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    Old 10-20-2008, 04:42 AM   #1
    57kaz
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    Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    Hi everyone. I am new to the board and have found a lot of sensible replies so I am hoping that you can help me!.

    In the last month I have found that my husband had an affair with a girl that use to be my friend, she always had a thing for him and didn't make any secret of it - that was one of reasons I stopped being friendly with her.

    The 'affair' apparently only lasted about 6 - 8 weeks, he was going to her house after work (he had bumped into her at the supermarket and she invited him over for coffee) He says he did it because she made him feel wanted and masculine again (we was going through a bad time, and he felt neglected by me) He claims that he knew he was doing wrong and has constantly regreted it ever since. I never noticed a thing

    The major problem is that she got pregnant, told him after he had stopped sleeping with her and wanted him to leave me and his sons for her. He didn't want to and he says that she has never asked him for anything and he has not seen the baby - it would be about 10 month old now. He hoped it would stay his secret but I found out after neighborhood gossip and an anonymous phone call. You can imagine that I was gutted. My immediate reaction was to get rid of him, but after shouting, screaming, crying and anger I stilll love him (although I hate what he has done to me & the family) and still want to look to the furure together. He is very remorseful, we have been on an initial appointment to relate and are on the waiting list for counselling and both want to try to make it through.

    I have only spoken to 2 close friends about this, (my sister & mum are no longer here) both think I am strong, one did say she wouldn't give him a chance - I use to think like that but now I'm in the situation it is harder than you would think just to walk away from the man you love and, up to a month ago, thought everything was fine. We had booked holidays and was making plans for future.

    I'm sorry if I have gone on abit, but I would like to hear other views and help to try to get my head around this.

    Thanks for listening xxx [/I]

     
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    Old 10-20-2008, 05:40 AM   #2
    matter of time
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    A marriage surviving a one time 6-8 week affair is one thing but it is another when a child is involved and the neighborhood gossip knows about it. What is going to keep your children from finding out?

    I'm sorry I really can't help you but I do feel sorry for your situation.

    See how the counseling goes.

     
    Old 10-20-2008, 06:13 AM   #3
    57kaz
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    Hi Thanks for you reply. The boys know about this but haven't expressed an opinion one way or the other and we haven't asked for one off them yet although in the future I expect we will need to sit down and discuss it with them. They are 12 & 10 so are probably young enough to adjust if me & dad are OK.

    As far as the gossips go, I not interested in what they think - my news will be history in a month or so and someone else will be in the firing line

    I am looking forward to the next counselling, I didn't think it would help but even after the initial session I felt more positive for the future.

    xx

     
    Old 10-20-2008, 06:43 AM   #4
    waterlily28
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    Your kids probably allready know whats going on. Sometimes children carry the weight of the world on threir sholders without telling anyone. Or over here gossip from other kids, over hearing from gossipy parents. Make sure the kids are ok. They allways seem to be listening. God bless........

     
    Old 10-20-2008, 07:16 AM   #5
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    A marriage can survive about anything if you and your spouse really want it to. There will be obvious bumps and curves along the way, and the situation will be cumbersome, but it's doable. The key here is that your husband is very remorseful and is taking steps to re-build your marriage....And, that you are able to re-build as well.

    I'm not looking to make any excuses, but it wouldn't surprise me if this woman didn't set him up all along. If she supposedly had this thing for him long ago, she probably courted him and may have even gotten pregnant on purpose as a means to get him to leave you. Who knows? Wouldn't surprise me, that's for sure. Many people will do diabolical things just as means of getting financial support & etc. This doesn't "excuse" your husband by any means, but if this did happen, it does shed a different light on the situation.

    Hang in there as best you can, and I think you're doing the right thing re: counseling. As tough as it's going to be re: the kids and a half sibling in town, it would be even tougher if they didn't have a full time at home father. If you think the marriage is worth saving, then by all means try to save it. Only you can make this determination.

    Take care, and best of luck to you.

    Regards,

    Ex

     
    Old 10-20-2008, 07:24 AM   #6
    Karebear2u
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    My clear answer would be No my first marriage did NOT survive an affair.

    My second marriage however survived 'an attempted emotional affair supposedly to get my attention and wake me up' which in my eyes was a whole different thing because he was right I had neglected our relationship and that took work on both of our parts to re-connect and get to the point of enjoying each other again while fixing ourselves thus finding happiness again.

    That said I've heard of many couples ... My Outlaws in fact whom survived an affair with a shared interest of moving forward together and did happily.

    See the problem with affairs and especially children born out of your relationship is the fact that it's still your husbands baby and there might come a point where your husband will need to step up with support and form a bond with this child as well. You will find yourself in a situation where not only do you need to let go of any resentment issues you may have but you too should come to love this child.

    See the problem is all three of you Adults need to grow up and understand that this child born outside of your marriage is the innocent child whom still needs love,emotional support, and a family bond with both families .. his/hers and yours make yours a wonderful example.

    Supporting and encouraging your husband through something like that in itself will not only make your relationship healthier but will be the 'in your face kick in the gut your ex friend so needs ... A reality check of sorts ... hahahaha Not only am I going to love my family but i'll love my husbands child too. trust me only good things can come from the love of a child ... This from a 'Step Mom' with no regrets.

    Look up 'step parent families and or blended families' and educate yourself. Then communicate with your spouse, re-build your bond, focus with a positive outlook on each other and let the resentments and blame go ... It's the only way you can move forward and find happiness again is re-building trust while supporting each other.

    I wish you luck and admire your courage to get through something like this as that takes a special kind of person ... find that in yourself and then drag it out of your husband as well ... trust me on this and again Good Luck!

     
    Old 10-20-2008, 11:23 AM   #7
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    I'm sure that there are some very good books out there about how this. Dr. Phil's website also has some articles about this. Good luck!

     
    Old 10-20-2008, 01:21 PM   #8
    happymom28
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Executor View Post
    I'm not looking to make any excuses, but it wouldn't surprise me if this woman didn't set him up all along. If she supposedly had this thing for him long ago, she probably courted him and may have even gotten pregnant on purpose as a means to get him to leave you. Who knows? Wouldn't surprise me, that's for sure. Many people will do diabolical things just as means of getting financial support & etc. This doesn't "excuse" your husband by any means, but if this did happen, it does shed a different light on the situation.
    How coincidental that I was thinking along the same lines with this woman. I would even venture a step further and wonder if this is in fact his child. Did they get a DNA test? But no, it wouldn't surprise me if she thought she could "steal" him away. Of course, your husband is even more to blame here than her since he is the one that made vows to you.

    Anyway, you are the only one who will know for sure if you marriage can survive. Every situation is different as are the people in it. There are a lot of factors involved. The fact that he is remorseful is a good thing. He needs to move heaven and earth and to try to rebuild your trust. That means being an open book. There are going to be good days and bad days, you know? But if you both really want to make this work and you are open and honest with eachother no matter what, with the help of counselling you may be okay.

    Best of luck to you whatever you decide. Remember, don't allow anyone to tell you what to do here. Not everyone has been in your situation. You have to do what is right for you and your family.

     
    Old 10-20-2008, 02:05 PM   #9
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    some marriages do, some don't, but even if they do, they will never be the same.
    For me....if it was me, my marriage wouldn't survive an affair......I wouldn't want it to......I wouldn't try to make that happen......I'd be done, plain and simple.
    I have more self-respect than that......if I was betrayed that bad, why on earth would I want to save that? It would be time to move on.

     
    Old 10-20-2008, 02:13 PM   #10
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    Good grief! In my opinion, it is one thing to keep an affair from you and I can understand why people do that...but it sure as heck is another to keep a baby from you...THAT would have been my greatest issue and the ultimate betrayal

     
    Old 10-20-2008, 06:33 PM   #11
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    I second what Christine said, an affair is one thing, but not telling you about the child is something I'm not sure I could get over. It also bothers me that the only reason you found out is from a neighbor... he only fessed up when he'd already gotten caught. Otherwise, who knows if he would ever have told you? Like Rose said, for me, it would be a deal-breaker because I simply would have lost all trust in him. You might not feel that way though and maybe you are more forgiving than I am. Good luck

     
    Old 10-21-2008, 01:16 AM   #12
    57kaz
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    Thanks for all the replies. I was also thinking along the lines of her getting pregnant on purpose (not that I am making any excuses for him - he had a responsibility and he shouldn't have been there in the first place)

    I am having most difficulty dealing with the baby issue, and this is where I will need most counselling - I think he tried to bury his head in the sand and hoped it would all go away but these things never do

    It would easy to walk away if I was single or the kids were older but I do need to consider how a break up would affect them and is it worth beaking up a 15 year marriage because he took a course of action that he now knows didn't solve anything by being with the other woman but just made him feel worse. Also I know that if things don't work out and we can't resolve the issues I will always be able to say that I tried and if it does we will hopefully be stronger as a couple and family.

    Most people will think I am a fool and 10 years ago I probably would have agreed with them. As I have gotten older I have learned to see the bigger picture and deal with issues in a different way than when I was younger, I don't act on impulse and think things through - too much sometimes

    Thanks for listening, I feel you are all my anonymous counsellors until my next appointment comes through with relate. xx

     
    Old 10-21-2008, 06:44 AM   #13
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    Do you want to teach your sons that if they are married and have a family, then impregnate another woman then the consequence is you all become one bigger happy family? Or do you want them to know infidelity can break up families and is not harmless fun.

     
    Old 10-21-2008, 09:10 AM   #14
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    I want them to understand that what dad did was very wrong, they see how upset and distressed I have become (and how it has affected grandma, who they adore, and the rest of the family) and I hope they learn their values from that. I also don't want them to be of an attitude that nothing is worth fighting for - like I have said, they are living the nightmare, petrified of their parents splitting up and hopefully they will never want to put any children they may be lucky to have through that.

     
    Old 10-29-2008, 07:05 AM   #15
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    Re: Has anyone had a marriage survive an affair?

    well i certainly know a couple who went through this very early in their marriage
    30 years later they are still together, but i do have to say lately it's been rocky as the woman keeps replaying the incident in her head and thinks often she should get her freedom, now that all the children are grown up...
    but nothing in writing has happened yet

     
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