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cmill32 10-27-2008 11:52 AM

Once a cheater always a cheater?
 
Well my boyfriend of six months admitted to me that he had cheated on his last girlfriend. (this was about a year and a half ago). It was towards the end of their relationship, she did not even find out about that he actually did cheat on her, but he told me that she was suspicious of him and i guess dumped him. I did trust him until he admitted to me that he has cheated on a girlfriend before, because i doubt, or at least hope that he hasn't cheated on me....I'm with him every weekend since we've been together, and his phone never goes off or anything unless its his mom or one of his friends. And not that I do, but I could if I wanted to go through his phone because he always just leaves it out and around. Aside from this, should I reconsider this relationship because he could cheat on me since he did to a past girlfriend? I take cheating pretty serious. I also asked if him if there was a particular reason he cheated on her (she did it first, big fight, etc) but he said no...which scares me even more.

Larrylou'smom 10-27-2008 04:36 PM

Re: Once a cheater always a cheater?
 
I don't think it's a hard and fast, across the board rule that once someone cheats, they will always cheat on anyone they are with. There are about as many ways and reasons to cheat as there are people. There are some men who just can't help it, but there are some men who cheat because they are bored, lacking emotional intimacy, know they are with the wrong woman and can't think of a better way to get out of the relationship, etc. But I do think you're right in that the fact that he had no idea why he cheated, not even "I was bored, it wasn't right, she just wasn't the one, I was feeling boxed in, had drifted apart, etc." something. the fact that he can't give you ANYTHING as to why he cheated on her is kind of a red flag.

Executor 10-27-2008 06:31 PM

Re: Once a cheater always a cheater?
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3774790]I don't think it's a hard and fast, across the board rule that once someone cheats, they will always cheat on anyone they are with. [/QUOTE]

I would agree. You can't label someone a "cheater" just because of a past situation. Relationships are very complex in nature and his infidelity could have been for a number of reasons. I wouldn't let his lack of a concrete reason be any type of big issue. Maybe he just doesn't want to get into the details with you. Obviously, he wasn't committed to her or he wouldn't have cheated. Does it really matter that he hasn't explained some specific "reason"?

I think you have to follow your heart and see what happens. I would definitely keep a close eye on him, but I wouldn't disqualify him just because of something that happened once before. Now, if he had a clear and long history of infidelity....Like several instances, that's a different story. For example, for someone who's been divorced 4 or 5 times, they are probably someone you want to stay away from relationship wise.

Hope you find in your heart to do what's right, and best of luck to you.

Regards,

Ex

cathy1 10-27-2008 06:50 PM

Re: Once a cheater always a cheater?
 
There are people out there that cheat because it's easy for them... i.e. they like to get on the internet into chatrooms and websites which caters to marrieds who are "bored". Some people cheat once and never again ... others cheat for a variety of reasons and sometimes are serial cheaters. I know that once a woman has been cheated on and she hears a man has cheated before... well a huge flag goes up. Cheating is never the right thing to do but the reason someone cheats does have some importance.

If he said he cheated and he didn't know why... that would be a flag for me... but as another poster said.. some men just don't want to talk about things and say "I don't know". If it's important to you and keeping you from feeling trusting of him, then ask him again... don't ask him in an accusatory way... just in a "curious" way. Hopefully, he will say something that doesn't come off as "he couldn't help himself" or he was "drinking" or the like. That's when you really need to be wary.

Seraph 10-27-2008 06:59 PM

Re: Once a cheater always a cheater?
 
Give him the benefit of the doubt - clearly that relationship was not the one for him at the time. If it was only once, that was reason enough. Hopefully he learnt his lesson from this. If you dumped every man because he MAY cheat on you there wouldn't be a lot of guys left. Unless he is a dyed-in-the-wool cheating ratbag, (and anyone can turn out to be that) then he probably won't do it again.

Executor 10-27-2008 08:05 PM

Re: Once a cheater always a cheater?
 
[QUOTE=cathy1;3774913]

If he said he cheated and he didn't know why... that would be a flag for me... [/QUOTE]

I'm wondering if it's possible that the relationship just didn't mean much to him anymore...i.e. stale, growing apart, however you want to describe it, and thus, he decided to have relations with another woman. If so, I doubt he would want to admit it, or talk about it....Because then a person would reply with "why didn't you just break up then" and then it gets even tougher to discuss from there. With men, I have found that when they don't want to discuss something, they tend to reply with answers like "I don't know" or "not sure", instead of just saying they don't want to talk about it, or it's a private matter. Women, I think, would reply with the latter.

As I said before, she obviously didn't mean much to him because (1) He cheated, and (2) He doesn't seem to upset about losing her, so I think the relationship pretty much speaks for itself. I'm not justifying what he did, but rather just trying to point out that there are a bunch of reasons why people (not just men) cheat and I would 100% exclude someone for a one time thing. But, if he cheated more than once, then that's a different story....We're talking about a "pattern" at that point.

Take care,

Ex

Kszan 10-27-2008 09:09 PM

Re: Once a cheater always a cheater?
 
It's a shame you'll never really know whether it was a one-time thing or if he has a history of cheating. Because, although you can ask him, there's no way to know, for sure, whether he's telling the truth or lying.

I personally feel cheating is a dealbreaker. That is, if he cheats on me then he's gone and i'm done with him. But he hasn't cheated on you, yet. I think that in your case, the best thing you can do is, defintely talk to him about it. Tell him that it worries you because you don't want it to happen to you. And also be very, very clear that you won't tolerate cheating from him at all. I don't know the guy, so I don't know if it will deter him, but at least if you're upfront about it being a dealbreaker for you (if it happens to you), then he will know that you're not willing to put up with that kind of behavior from him.

Larrylou'smom 10-27-2008 09:45 PM

Re: Once a cheater always a cheater?
 
[QUOTE=Executor;3774981]I'm wondering if it's possible that the relationship just didn't mean much to him anymore...i.e. stale, growing apart, however you want to describe it, and thus, he decided to have relations with another woman. If so, I doubt he would want to admit it, or talk about it....Because then a person would reply with "why didn't you just break up then" and then it gets even tougher to discuss from there. With men, I have found that when they don't want to discuss something, they tend to reply with answers like "I don't know" or "not sure", instead of just saying they don't want to talk about it, or it's a private matter. Women, I think, would reply with the latter.

[/QUOTE]

Well, I think the main thing here is - If it were me, it's not that I really wan tot know WHY he cheated on her, but the real question is, why is he NOT going to cheat on me? why am I different, what makes me so special that he won't cheat on me like he did on her. I'm not interested at all in dating a man I have to wonder about or "keep an eye on." If I can't trust him, then forget it. And exactly what his history with cheating, the ins and outs and whys and wherefores are a big part of that. If it was just that one relationship and one woman he just wasn't that into, then he really should say so. he may think it's none of her business, but at the same time, doesn't she have the right to know exactly what she's getting into? Doesn't she have the right to know if he's the kind of guy who just cheats because he can? A simple "D'uh, I don't know." that wouldn't cut it for me.

cmill32 10-28-2008 04:52 PM

Re: Once a cheater always a cheater?
 
Thanks guys. Your outlooks and opinions helped


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