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  • She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

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    Old 10-27-2008, 03:51 PM   #1
    jerr8899
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    She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    When I was in Jr High school I had a girlfriend. We dated for a while and then talked every once in a while for a couple years afterwards. She would tell me how much she loved me and wanted me back and I loved to hear it But at the time thought I could do better and although I did care for her, I married a different girl at age 18 She was still calling me 2 years after I was married. I told her to go away because I was married and finally after my wife yelled at her I heard from her no more.

    Well, my marriage broke up a year after that. So I naturally went looking for her. I couldn't find her no matter what I did. When I got the internet a few years later I searched for her dozens of times. Never had any luck.

    So years and years pass. It's been nearly 20 years since I last heard from her. Then one day not too long ago I get this message from her. She was looking for me again.

    There is still something "there" between us. I am elated that she still wants me after all this time. But it's complicated.

    She's married. Has been for 11 years, been with the guy for 18 years and has two kids with him. He has been cheating on her with an old girlfriend from high school. I suspect she looked me up in order to get revenge. But I think it's become more than that. We currently have crushes on each other and she's wanting me to come see her.

    They've broken up several times. They only got back together less than a year ago. She's not happy with him.

    Part of me is saying that after all I went though looking for her and all she went though looking for me, that we are destined for each other. It tells me that in order for us to still want each other after so much time that we may be have future together. I've been wanting her for 20 years. Now is my chance. I feel I HAVE to take it.

    The other part of me is saying I am in for some serious drama and it might be better off to leave things alone, and that the past is the past and I shouldn't be allowing her to come back into my life after so long.

    The woman I have been seeing for the last couple years has lost interest. She has been true to her word and has not left her husband for me. She only visits every two or three weeks and sometimes when she does we don't even have sex anymore. I feel it's time for me to move on and find someone else. Even though there have been zero other offers for the last several years.

    What do I do? How do I be her friend and keep it innocent and still keep her interested until her husband decides to leave her again for that other woman?

     
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    Old 10-27-2008, 04:02 PM   #2
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    It seems all you do is date married women?...and of course you suffer the hurt when they go back to the husband or they never leave the husband and you are older but still alone. If I were you I would stay away from this old flame until she gets a divorce or at least files for divorce. I mean what good is any kind of relationship now if she still has a husband. Doesn't matter what she says about the husband until she is divorced why would you want anything to do with her. Of course if you just want some quick sex then there ya go. Good luck.

     
    Old 10-27-2008, 04:10 PM   #3
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    Do you really love your old flame?
    She wanted you so bad but you let her go. She went to pretty desperate measures to get you back but you let it go.
    Now it seems that you're alone and have no one...so you want to go back to what you know you can have.
    Are you sure you're not just feeling lonely?
    After all, she is married.
    You'd have to be pretty serious about her to get involved with her with another man being in the picture, that is her husband.

     
    Old 10-27-2008, 04:12 PM   #4
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    You can't keep it innocent, because it isn't innocent. You both still have romantic and sexual feelings for each other. It sounds like her marriage and her life are both in a mess right now, and it could be she's just looking for an escape. I think it would be a bad idea to get involved with her again now, since she's married and has kids in the mix. She needs to sort out her life and end her marriage if that's what she wants to do. Personally, I think if someone can say "I want to be with you, but if you don't come running to me when I need how I need, then I'll stay with my husband." I think that's not a person in love, that's just a person who is lost and has no idea what they want in life or how to go about getting it. I also have to wonder how and why your feellings are strong enough to even consider getting mixed up in her quagmire when you didn't want her when you had her. Are YOU sure it isn't just a case of wanting what you don't currently have for YOU? And as soon as she's yours again, you will be thinking "I can do better" again. Even though it was long ago, you left her very easily for a reason. How sure are you that those reasons are gone or don't matter anymore?

    If it were me, I'd tell her the truth. That you've often wondered about her, that you still think about her and still have feelings for her, but she's married and as long as she makes the choice to be married the relationship cannot proceed at all. She needs to settle her issues with her marriage one way or another. And IF and WHEN she decides to be free to date and to pursue other opportunities, then and only then can you get to know each other again and maybe see if you can pick up where you left off.

    I'm a romantic at heart, and if two people are alone and miserable or with the wrong person and miserable and they still have feelings for each other, I like to think that they can find a way back to each other and live happily ever after. People make mistakes and marry the wrong people every day, and there's no shame in admitting a mistake and getting divorced and finding the right person. But there is an ethical, honest, fair way to do it. I think any relationship the two of you can forge will have a better chance at flourishing if you start it under the right circumstances - with her KNOWING she has done everything in her power to make her marriage work and it just can't and knowing she can walk away from her marriage knowing it was the right thing to do, whether you're there for her or not, and then being free to start something new honestly, in the open and above board. Good luck.

     
    Old 10-27-2008, 07:14 PM   #5
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    Are you dating anyone that is actually not married? I think it's great that you found each other again with one caveat... regardless of how miserable she is this sounds like another affair in the making... and lets not forget there is a husband and are there children involved here also? Even though this feels "storybook" and maybe you would both be wonderful together - bottom line is she is still married.

    Last edited by cathy1; 10-27-2008 at 07:17 PM.

     
    Old 10-27-2008, 08:04 PM   #6
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    I don't try to date married women. That's just how it has been working out. I'd rather not date married woman at all. However, I spent 10 years completely alone. 10 years without a date, a flirt or anything at all. I thought there was something wrong with me. I never thought I would ever get to so much as hold hands again.

    That's when the first married woman came into the picture. It was just a sex thing. And of course she pretended to love me. But she never forgot to remind me that I was her "favorite toy". I always knew I was for play and not for anything else. I am not saying I am or was happy with that. I hate it actually. But the alternative was not something I relished.

    I tried to date different woman a few months ago. She had just left her husband and was struggling to make a new life for herself, but she had issues that I could not cope with. I broke it off with her.

    So the only other woman that has paid me any serious interest in the last decade is the one I have written about. I am shy and have a hard time getting to know new people. I tend to have always dated the women that seek me out.

    The only woman I ever pursued and caught was my ex wife. That turned out terrible. I have not attempted to pursue any other woman. I tried to find the one that's contacting me now, but never had any luck so I don't think that counts as pursuing. I gave up about 10 years ago without finding her.

    I want to tell her that I want to be just friends. I would consent to sex if she wanted to "get revenge" on her husband for having sex with his high school sweetheart. But I am not ready to support her or her children nor do I want to move 50 miles to where she lives either. It would be a one time thing. Or maybe "he did it again so I can" but nothing more than that.

    But I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her mad by saying that. I tend to lack tact and say the wrong things a lot. So how would I go about doing that?

    I don't worry about falling in love with her. My heart died long, long ago and is incapable for feeling real emotions for women or trusting them. I feel things for her, but nostalgia is powerful and I cannot tell if it is her or her memory I feel for. So I am trying to ignore it and look at things with as cold an eye as I can. I am afraid that while try to learn what is real or not she will fall for me (or what she thinks I am) and make things a royal mess.

    I know I should stop talking to her. But it took us 20 years to find each other. I spent stupid amounts of effort trying to find her and when I gave up she found me. I don't think I can ignore that. Even if I know I should. But how to mitigate the fall out is my problem. How to not be a cause of problems and at the same time get that I want out of this. And I have no idea what I want out of this.

    Help.

     
    Old 10-27-2008, 09:35 PM   #7
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    I think you need to start by behing hoest with yourself and figuring out exactly what it is you DO want from this. I can guarantee you she's not looking for a one night revenge stand with you. I'd bet two week's pay she's looking for a savior, a knight in shining armor to take her away from the mess she's in now.

    But I gotta say, I find it hard to buy that "my heart died long ago" business. If your heart were really dead, you wouldn't be here asking these questions. And you wouldn't be lonely and wanting company. You'd be fine by yourself. I think perhaps you're just afraid to admit you want and need to be with someone because maybe you're afraid it will never happen. But yuo can't get what you want out of life if you don't know what that is. And you can't get people to be real with you if you can't be real with yourself. Everyone except sociopaths and psychopaths want love and companionship and emotional intimacy. You say you dont' want to date married women. Then why do you? Because the alternative is being alone? But then you also say you don't pursue women. You can't attract women to you while being bitter and angry and distrustful toward them at the same time. People can sense when you are not open to them and when you are not letting them in. No matter what other women did to you in the past, not every woman is like that, and not every woman will treat you like that. But great love requires great risk.

    I thnk it would be a huge mistake to mess with this woman when she is married and miserable and trying to figure out her first move. Personally, and this is just my personal opinion, but I think it's cruel of men to use a woman's body like it were nothing more than a hunk of warm meat and think it's ok because "I told her up front it was just sex." Like that's supposed to make it better. A lot of women just dont' work that way, even those who want to. When the hormones and the oxytocin kick in, our hearts go stupid and say "I know he SAID it was just about sex but he wouldnt' have said this or done that if he didn't want more, he was so sweet, he got up early and made the coffee, blah blah blah, it could be more, couldn't it?"

    We do get what we settle for in this life, I think. If you keep having one night stands with married women, that's all you'll get. You might be telling yourself "I'm only doing this till something better comes along." But how can something better come along when you're devoting all your time and energy and attention to the one night stands with married women? Don't waste time doing what you don't really really want to be doing. It really is pretty much that simple, and trust me, I learned that the hard way.

     
    Old 10-28-2008, 08:04 AM   #8
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    Dude, . . . you need to leave her alone. You are creating turmoil when she should be trying to resolve her current relationship and make it better. There is absolutely no moral way that you should proceed other than saying "goodbye" to her!!!!

    Be a man, . . own up to your life!! Look for love elsewhere, . . . unmarried women.

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    Old 10-28-2008, 09:21 AM   #9
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    Hi

    She may always see you as a plaything and may never respect you as an equal. I was in a similiar situation and I broke it off. The guy has came back into my life 2 years later and I am in another relationship. I still have feelings after all this time. I understand that you are in a dilema at the moment. Don't say your heart has died you have not found anyone to awaken it, there is no point to life if you can not love or be loved you are merely existing not living. Try different things, hobbies etc try an regain confidence, the people who stick around are the ones that really love us. Love and respect yourself, if you don't no-one else will, you are the most important person, have faith the right person will come along - don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Remember there are always risks involved when you love someone. Sex is not love. Good Luck

     
    Old 10-28-2008, 11:33 AM   #10
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    Good grief..you are taking her word for it that her husband cheated on her and not that this is some sort of attention seeking sob story...and are willing to sleep with her so she can 'get revenge'...how generous of you!

    You really need to sort yourself out...stay out of people's marriages an find yourself someone single!

     
    Old 10-28-2008, 08:06 PM   #11
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    You really need to sort yourself out...stay out of people's marriages an find yourself someone single!

    Be a man, . . own up to your life!! Look for love elsewhere, . . . unmarried women.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "`I thought there was something wrong with me."

    There is...You seem to be attracted to married women. Let ppl get their own issues taken care of. Do you honestly think you are going to come out with any kind of a half way healthy relationship doing what you are doing?

    I agree with BOTH posters and others...I was on my own for 6 yrs with a baby and no romance, not a dinner, not a man in my life WHATsoever, and I did it. I have the best man ever, and waiting, being terribly selective and having my head on straight enabled me to have the best marriage and partner I could ever have asked for in my wildest dreams.

    Dont be so desperate...you're way off base. Im not trying to offend, but let these ppl sort their things out. You're entering really nasty waters just for your own self wants.
    Unless you just want to get laid, and you can do that anywhere without hurting other innocents, hopefully. I hope you think things thru, and start fresh with a healthy relationship when you're ready.

    IZZY'SMOM

    Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 10-28-2008 at 08:09 PM.

     
    Old 10-29-2008, 03:26 AM   #12
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    Re: She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post

    But I gotta say, I find it hard to buy that "my heart died long ago" business. If your heart were really dead, you wouldn't be here asking these questions. And you wouldn't be lonely and wanting company. You'd be fine by yourself. I think perhaps you're just afraid to admit you want and need to be with someone because maybe you're afraid it will never happen. But yuo can't get what you want out of life if you don't know what that is. And you can't get people to be real with you if you can't be real with yourself. Everyone except sociopaths and psychopaths want love and companionship and emotional intimacy.
    Amen.

    Regards,

    Ex

     
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