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Mozaiek12 10-31-2008 11:37 AM

Boyfriends Mother--I need help!
My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years and planning on getting engaged once I finish school. I have virtually NO relationship with his parents. I have tried my best over the two years and have continually been shot down. They do live in florida and I have made the effort to fly down the first year we were dating during Christmas time just to see them. They have not once come to visit there son and I unless they were in town for another engagement (visiting a friend or flying to another country) I get the impression from his mother that she disaproves of me.
When she was in town visiting a friend she invited my bf and I to dinner with her friend and the friends daughter. Then, she disinvited me and asked only that her son come alone. Which I would have been fine allowing my bf and his mom to spend alone time together. But i thought it was rude that they werent going alone they were going wtih friends and that i was initially invited...what changed her mind? I spoke to my bf who told his mom that it was rude to disinvite me and his mom called and apologized...I was very kind and accepted the apology and said that I didnt want to cause any problems but I felt hurt that she disinivited me. Then, throughout the whole dinner she and her friend pushed the friends daughter on my boyfriend.
The first year we were dating at christmas time I was helping her decorate the house with the rest of the family. She then takes out a stocking which belonged to his ex girlfriend and displayed it to everyone making a sad face and saying she was still upset over the fact that they broke up and it was right infront of me and very awkward! again, my bf intervened on my behalf and spoke to his mom privately about it. which i am greatful for.
The following christmas my aunt passed away a few days before christmas after a ten year battle with caner. she was like my second mom and we were extremly close. I hadn't done any christmas shopping as I was spending everyday at the hospital with my aunt and I was also studying for finals and working full time. After the funeral, luckily macys was open 24hrs and I shopped for my bf family until 2 am. I sent him with the presents when he went down to visit. I bought his little sister (who is only a year and half younger than me) pajamas that I thought were cute. They pink pj pants with like a little pink lace around the bottom of the cuff and then a matching tank. Maybe because I was shopping at 2am I was delirious but they were cute and not at all inappropriate for a 20 year old girl. When my bf returned home with the pj's and said that his mom sent them back back because they didnt fit.. and I knew that I bought her the right size and then the truth came out.. His mother said that his sister wouldnt wear something liket hat becuase it was too slutty adn shes not like that. basically implying that it was inappropriate gift and im a ****. I was very offended as my both my mom and my grandma who are religious and very conservative thought they were cute and appropriate. Also, if the sister/mom didnt like them...why didnt she just take them back to the store and buy a different pair..I wouldnt have been insulted if they returned the gift but on the fact that she had to send it on the plane back with him and for him to tell me it didnt fit which wasnt the real reason.
In the begining of my relationship with her son..She would sometimes ask to chit chat with me at the end of their phone call...She no longer does so. I have sent her little emails wishing her a happy birthday or funny forward or pictures of her son that I took saying that I am sure you miss him..just keeping you in the loop...When she met my mother she was insulting to her. My parents have done a lot for her son when he was financially in a bad place and even took him on vacation with us. My parents have accepted my bf into my family without trying to ever step on his parents toes. But they do love him like a son. My boyfriend and his dad are in business together with another man and his wife. His parents recently went on vacation with the business partners without ever even inviting their son or me. His mother constantly talks about how great the partners wife is and how gorgeous she is...which is fine but she rarely has a kind word to say about me. I dont' understand after I have tried my best to be nice to her and my bf and i are planning on getting engaged why its more important for her to have a relationship with these strangers than me. I have never fought with her and I am amazed that she finds these little ways to communicate to me how unimportant I am and that she obviously thinks im not good for her son. I understand that I am just her sons girlfriend but we have been living together going on three years now and the relationship is serious. I would like to get a little respect from her. everytime i bring it up to my bf he says that she does like me..but in my head i think she has a very funny way of showing it.. im going to try to put more work and develop a relationship but im mjust tired of getting shot down. please help!

HybridHen 10-31-2008 11:56 AM

Re: Boyfriends Mother--I need help!
This woman sounds like a very rude and ignorant woman. If I were you I'd stop trying to be nice, just be polite. You can't change her and you can't make her like you, all you can do is accept her as she is. Don't blame your boyfriend, he can't help what his mother is like, and if you complain about her he'll just feel torn between the two of you. I'm sure he can see what she's like but is being loyal by not saying anything. So long as the two of you are happy together, that's all that matters. It looks like her son's been brought up well despite her, not because of her. You be the better woman and don't take it to heart, some mothers aren't happy with any woman their sons pick. Good luck!

Seraph 10-31-2008 12:12 PM

Re: Boyfriends Mother--I need help!
I agree; she sounds very rude and inconsiderate. The problem is her, not you. You will not change her, just ignore the whole thing, just give the polite and pleasant face. It would be nice to have a good mother-in-law, but sometimes you just have to work with what you get. Don't put your bf in the middle if you can help it - it is mostly not worth the fuss. They don't live next door, thank goodness, so at least you are not dealing with her on a daily basis.

digmusic 11-01-2008 12:16 AM

Re: Boyfriends Mother--I need help!
Some mothers are jealous of their sons' girlfriends in a weird, Freudian, rivalry sort of way... maybe that's what's going on here and she doesn't even know it.

AnnD 11-01-2008 01:02 AM

Re: Boyfriends Mother--I need help!
Until you are married I understand where his mother is coming from. I wouldn't be so rude but I do understand and until you are married they are not going to let you into their hearts or family. Perhaps they lost their heart to the other girls in his life and just can't do it again so I don't expect they will change until you are married. You can be a very nice person with all the best intentions but you aren't married and yet you are buying gifts for everyone in his family...maybe this is a bit too much for them and perhaps you need to scale back all the little things you are doing because for one everything you do is irritating your future why would you keep doing it? You are still two years away from marriage? I mean you are even engaged yet so why are you trying so hard to fit into this family that clearly doesn't want you to be part of the family...I am guessing they got really hurt from whatever their son has done in the past and you can't change any of that. I think they are trying to say back off and leave us alone. You can do all those things once you are married. Your BF isn't blind he can see what his family is doing and obviously he is isn't going to tell you anything. He will never confront his mother or his family. You are pretty much just living with the guy and his family does not approve period. Put your energy into your own family and don't mix the two families unless you just want these people to be rude over and over. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change his family...something happened before you came along or they have a different belief and obviously this bf of yours has put you in an impossible position. So this is what your future will be and it might not change once you do get married but anything can happen between now and wedding day I suspect you two will not be together. I'm so sorry but your future mother in law is an awesome(evil) force and you won't win no matter what you do.

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