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  • Is this really infidelity? Why am I paying such a high price?

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    Old 11-02-2008, 06:18 AM   #1
    Capecodgirl74
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    Is this really infidelity? Why am I paying such a high price?

    I have to put this out there because I need some advice. I have been married for 6 years and have two children, 5 and 3 yrs old. My relationship with my husband has been like a rollercoaster ride since we had children. He has witheld money from me, never wanting to combine finances. It got to the point where I got into some debt (now clear) and even though I paid for everything ($1300/mo daycare, groceries, gifts, all kid sstuff ETC) except the household bills ($400 mortgage, light phone cable). He gets very mean and nasty to me and tries to belittle me. On top of this, whenever we fight and have the "reconcilliation" talk afterwards, he never apologizes for anything, but instead points out how it is my fault. I seriously have heard him apologize maybe twice in the whole time we have been together. Last winter it got really bad. I work alot in the winter, I am the head boss at a company with 40-ish employees. My husband works here part time (also has a FT job). Last winter, of of my co-workers who I work very closely with kissed me. It had never crossed my mind to do this, it happened to me. I like the guy who did it, he does a great job in his position, and it is a difficult one to fill. It took me five years of training to get him to the point he's at to be good at his job. I told my co-worker that the kiss was a one time deal--no more. Somebody saw this happen and told my husband. We fought. I denied it (to try to make it go away, avoid conflict). Well, he pushed and pushed and I admitted it. We went to counselling to try to repair not just that, but EVERYTHING. He never followed through with any suggestions of the counsellor, but his attitude changed and instead of being nice 20% of the time, he was nice 60% of the time. Every few weeks, though, this whole "affair" thing gets him and he pesters me relentlessly. He gets really mean and just acts nasty. Because of the children, and just out of comfort, I have stayed in this marriage. I have wanted to leave before and actually went to see a lawyer. I have house shopped and been pre-approved for a mortgage. When my husband and I have big fights, I will lay it on the line for him, not as a threat, but as "here is what we could do instead". I really don't have an emotional attachment left to him, it is almost like a business partnership, with warm fuzzies displayed for the kids. I CAN live like this, but the the "torrid affair" keeps coming up. Even though he works at my job part time, I can hardly say a word about work without him getting mad. Screaming raving mad. It really makes my life a living hell. Holy crow, please help!!
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    Old 11-02-2008, 06:57 AM   #2
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    Re: Is this really infidelity? Why am I paying such a high price?

    Well, Capecod, it seems what you're asking is how can we help you make your husband become someone he isn't. I don't think there's anything anyone can do about that. Your husband sounds very controlling and neglectful from what you've said. The marriage was in trouble before this kiss, and if what you say is true, that the kiss was done to you, I'd go the co-worker who blabbed and be sure to thank them for running to your husband instead of talking to you about it, putting their own wrong spin on it and making your life a living hell.

    But the bottom line is, your husband is who he is. You can't change him. You say you can live like this, but why would you want to? Life is too short. How do you really want to live? How do you want your kids to see you live? What do you want to model for your kids? Sit and take it while your husband yells and screams at you, berates and belittles you and doesn't do his share with the household expenses and issues, or have the strength to live happily and honestly? Trust me, your kids know more than you think they do about what's really going on between you and your husband.

     
    Old 11-02-2008, 07:20 AM   #3
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    Re: Is this really infidelity? Why am I paying such a high price?

    Thanks for the reply. I honestly appreciate any input. I should've added that my husband does not berate me in front of the kids. It's pretty rare that we have a blow up in front of them, too. I sure do wish I could thank the person who blabbed. My husband defends their name to the end and I really have no clue. I consider myself a pretty nice boss, I'm fair and agreeable to all, and I just can't think of who would do something like that. That's a really rotten thing to do to someone. If they had that much of an issue, I would think they would come to me instead...... who knows? Your words are right, though. I really do know that. It's just getting the courage up to do it. It's so comfortable with two incomes. The house is really his (he was there 16 yrs before I moved in). The toll it will take on the kids; I can come up with a hundred excuses, probably more................
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    Old 11-02-2008, 07:35 AM   #4
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    Re: Is this really infidelity? Why am I paying such a high price?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    Well, Capecod, it seems what you're asking is how can we help you make your husband become someone he isn't. I don't think there's anything anyone can do about that.
    I would agree 100%.

    Quote:
    Your husband sounds very controlling and neglectful from what you've said. The marriage was in trouble before this kiss
    I agree again. I might add that I'm willing to bet the reason you allowed yourself to be vulnerable (to the kiss) is because this other man filled a void...He gave you the attention and respect that you need and deserve. This is a very important aspect, I think.

    Quote:
    But the bottom line is, your husband is who he is. You can't change him. You say you can live like this, but why would you want to? Life is too short. How do you really want to live? How do you want your kids to see you live? What do you want to model for your kids?
    I couldn't agree more. I'd put forth a major effort either to make major changes in your marriage, or get out. The poster is correct in that the kids know more than you think...Even if you don't yell and scream in front of them per se. Kids are little people with big ears. I don't want to sound like Dr. Phil, but you and your husband are inherently teaching your children everything about life....Including how to love and treat others. They learn by modeling. They learn about the value of a relationship via your relationship.

    Your husband needs some serious couples counseling, or I'd get out. I'd hate to recommend that because I'm an optimist, but this marriage does not sound good. It appears as if you are simply tolerating things...What are you going to do when they are older? Do you really want to grow old with this man? You seem like a really good person and I'm sure you'd meet someone who would very much appreciate your qualities.

    While no divorce is "easy", there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'd lay it on the line for him and stick to your guns. I'd make him enroll in couples counseling and make major changes. Maybe he'll "wake up" and realize the horses butt he's been lately. I can't imagine he'll sweep too many women off their feet with his disposition.

    Take care, and good luck.

    Regards,

    Ex

     
    Old 11-02-2008, 08:22 AM   #5
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    Re: Is this really infidelity? Why am I paying such a high price?

    Well if you would have said that he was a wonderful man until the kiss happened I'd say to give him more time and that I'd be just like him if my husband had been caught kissing with someone...I mean all I'd have is his word against someone elses. It would be extremely hard to believe such a story...why would someone just up and kiss you without provocation. But in your case I can only assume that's exactly what happened. But since your marriage sounded pretty crumby in the first place...if he doesn't get his act together soon, I can't imagine living is such conditions.
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