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    Old 11-15-2008, 05:07 PM   #1
    John5500
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    Question Falling for the wrong girl

    Hey, guys

    Last night I went on a date. Even though I’ve had a “girlfriend” in the last few months, it’s been a year since I last went on an actual date. So you’d think I’d be happy, right? Alas, I am not. The date was the result of an arrangement by mine and my date’s mothers. I’m twenty-five...

    This is problem number one. At the end of the evening I invited the girl in question on a second date, but only because it felt like the right thing to do (I know, I know…). At that point she seemed to move to kiss me, but I don’t see her in that way and I don’t think I ever will. It was slightly awkward.

    Problem number two is that during my date (and most other time throughout any given day) my mind was on a girl who’s out of bounds. She has a boyfriend. And she’s my colleague. We’ve been working together for about four months and we have developed a good friendship.

    At first I only saw my colleague as a friend because I was still partly involved with my ex-girlfriend and I knew from the start that she has a boyfriend. But we have a lot in common and we get on famously and spend most lunch times together. I have noticed over the past few weeks that she seems to be flirting with me more frequently.

    It’s probably just a fun diversion to her – a way to assert herself as the dominant female in the office; consciously or otherwise – but I can’t shake the idea that it might be more than that. Obvious flirting (winding me up, prodding and pushing me, brushing up against me, etc.) is one thing, but the smiles we exchange are something else.

    A couple of weeks ago I nearly cracked and I was going to spill my guts to her. I did this last year (with the girl who was my last date; she wasn’t a colleague, though) and it messed things up royally. Fortunately my brain got the better of my heart. But since then the flirting seems to have ramped up a notch or two.

    Luckily, I have a few days of work coming up which should give me some head space. Sitting opposite her at work is becoming increasingly difficult. And I don’t mean from a lustful point of view; it’s gone way beyond that for me. Worse still, we have been talking about a night out, possibly just the two of us…

    Tonight I resolved once more that I will tell my colleague how I feel about her. At the moment it seems like a good idea: if I come clean then I will relieve the very tangible pressure in my heart and the children’s shoelace knot in my stomach, but I will make it clear that I don’t want to come between her and her boyfriend. That happened to me with my last serious girlfriend

    So, I haven’t really asked for any specific advice yet, but it boils down to two things. Firstly, how should I play the next date with the girl with whom I was set up? I assume she is interested in me because it was her who asked me out after our mums did the spade work (prior to that we exchanged e-mails).

    Secondly, who’s going to shout the loudest at me not to tell my colleague my feelings towards her? Who’s going to tell me to ride it out and wait until I meet somebody new to take my mind off her? And who will actually convince me enough to put theirs and my own best advice into practice and not just agree with it for show here on the boards?

     
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    Old 11-16-2008, 10:07 AM   #2
    pendulum
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    Re: Falling for the wrong girl

    Do you mind my simplifying this ... box of surprises?

    So, let's call the first girl (the one you went on a date with) A, and the other girl (your co-worker) B.

    I would be honest with A. No need to go into detail, but just the basics: you can only be her friend, because your mind (heart) is elsewhere. Don't prolong her expectations about you. But don't be snobbish, either. Tell her she deserves someone who can be whole with her.

    Now, do you think having a romantic relationship with a colleague sitting next to you will work? I don't know how large the company where you are working is, but I think it'd be better for the both of you to be working quite far apart from each other, otherwise the relationship may quickly turn sour, you know, not to mention the gossiping. So, I wouldn't open my heart with B yet. I would first try to find a different area to work. Besides, different environments provide different materials for you to talk about to each other. Well, don't take this amiss, but I am wondering if B's behaviour is really adequate for a girl with a boyfriend. Put yourself in his shoes. Aren't you afraid that she might show the same behaviour after you become her boyfriend?

    Well, perhaps you need a third option, a girl C, who makes your heart throb and is free (or at least has a nobler demeanour). You are young, you still have a plenty of time to look for ...

     
    Old 11-16-2008, 12:10 PM   #3
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    Re: Falling for the wrong girl

    Hey, pendulum. Thanks for your considered response Your suggested approach towards Girl A is pretty much what I had in mind. I don't even know if she finds me attractive but I suspect she might, and I can't stop feeling bad about when she moved in for a kiss and I didn't react I just don't want her to get the wrong impression going forwards.

    This time last year I was involved with a girl who blew my mind. I spent three months kidding myself that she might feel at least partly the same way about me. Because she never explicitly told me that she wasn't interested and we remained friends, I kidded myself that something might develop. It was a horrible time.

    I don't want to be the source of that pain and insecurity for Girl A. But now I appreciate how difficult it is to spell out to a friend that you don't see them in a romantic light. I will go on this second date with Girl A but if she asks me to a third then I will level with her that my heart is elsewhere. It sounds so easy right now...

    Regarding Girl B, of course I have reflected upon the problems of embarking on a relationship with a colleague. Our department is small so if something serious were to develop then I would have to leave. That would be a big shame because I love my other colleagues. But, to me, a romantic relationship is far more important than work.

    I know what you're saying about Girl B's behaviour. If I was her boyfriend then I would be wary of how flirtatious she can be. But I would trust her because no matter how many times I get messed around I always trust the next girl... I guess I hope that she only flirts like this with me and if we got together then she would be happy with that.

    Regarding Girl C - she doesn't exist! I haven't been out for a while lately because I have an exam on Wednesday. I can't wait for that to be over and to get my life back. I will be going out on Friday night. But I doubt I will meet someone new because my approach to meeting girls is to get to know them as a friend and take it from there; I don't know how to attract girls on a night out.

     
    Old 11-16-2008, 12:55 PM   #4
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    Re: Falling for the wrong girl

    Well don't date someone just because mom set you up...unless you are completely honest with this gal from the get go. At least give her the opportunity to decided whether or not she wants to waste her time...she may just be lookin for a friend as well? Now,with this gal you work with ...why are you going to confess your love to her? mygosh you really don't even know her....you have never dated her...never been around her for any length of time to even know if you would like her. It is very different to flirt around with people you work with but don't translate that into something it isn't...(.like the gal your mom set you up with). A better idea would be to first find out if she is still seeing her boyfriend and then perhaps meet her for an after work cocktail or something. Confessing your love to someone you just work with is kind of creepy and a little desperate.

     
    Old 11-16-2008, 04:55 PM   #5
    John5500
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    Re: Falling for the wrong girl

    Hi, AnnD. Thanks for telling it like you see it! Yes, you're correct that telling my colleague how I feel about her would be creepy (although, I don't necessarily agree that it would sound desperate). So I will do my best to keep it to myself.

    On the other hand, I'm sure I know enough about her to know that I like her. I spend at least seven hours a day with her; I see her interact with other people; we agree on fundamental issues; we share common interests, and we make each other laugh.

    I just went for a midnight run because I've been couped up all day. I resolved that I will try to supress my feelings for my colleauge out of respect for her boyfriend and their relationship. I won't deny that I might feel differently when I next see her, but I want to try.

    Regarding my date, after our mothers set us up she asked me if I wanted to meet up and I couldn't really say "no". I don't think she's just looking for a friend because it sounds like she's got plenty of male friends as well as female friends.

    I'm going to end up hating myself in both of these situations, whatever happens - I can see it coming

     
    Old 11-16-2008, 05:34 PM   #6
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    Re: Falling for the wrong girl

    Johnny
    As far as girl A...Being honest with her is the only way to do it.Ya it won't be fun, but at least you will have done the right thing.
    I too feel telling your colleage is a bad idea, especially if she has a boy friend.I have done the workplace romance, while it's good it's great because you have that in commen. But if it goes bad...it is miserable to see each other all day long. It does not mean it won't happen...just not now.

     
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