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marg1952 11-21-2008 05:20 AM

insecurity and paranoia
 
My problem is that my insecurity is destroying my relationship.
I can't go to a beach with my husband because i can't bear the thought of my husband finding another woman more attractive than me. And the problem is made even more ludicrous by the fact that i used to be a model and a dancer. I should be secure and happy but I'm not. I know that I'm very attractive so why does my husband look at other women so much?
Or does he: that's the problem, really. He acts really abnormally and that is what makes me suspicious. He looks down at the floor, or avoids talking to anyone attractive which makes it worse. If he was normal then maybe there wouldn't be a problem. I'd think, ok so she's pretty but he hasn't given that much thought to avoid the issue or pretend he hasn't noticed.
I know the reasons for the way i feel stem back to an abusive and unfaithful father. I saw, and caught him in the throws of affairs. This wasn't helped by my past experience with a man who lied prolifically and used escorts.
I need help because i want to stop feeling like this. I'm making myself ill and hurting my husband. Please, anyone with advice help me. And please dn't tell me i need to learn to trust. I never can.

Redneon82 11-21-2008 09:37 AM

Re: insecurity and paranoia
 
Why do you believe you can never learn to trust?

pendulum 11-21-2008 09:55 AM

Re: insecurity and paranoia
 
Maybe you are relying far too much on a stereotype. In other words, you're judging your husband according to a pattern you thought to be true in other significant men in your life. So you seem to be stuck in a vicious circle.
First, you must get rid of the stereotype. Think of your husband as a unique person. Second, you must accept that the stereotype may be in part true (not that men will always cheat, but they often like to look at, men are visual beings, if you see what I mean) and then learn how to deal with this masculine characteristic. This has nothing to do with actual cheating. Of course there are ways and ways to look at, and in some cases it may be quite disrespectful for a wife. Anyway, it's strange that your husband looks down at the floor... Maybe he is a shy type? Does he systematically look downwards in the presence of other people, or does he do so only with attractive women? Perhaps you could set an example: in the presence of a handsome man, just act naturally and let him see clearly that nothing happens, nothing gets out of control. He might need a bit more of socializing, I am afraid.

Joy545 11-21-2008 11:04 AM

Re: insecurity and paranoia
 
Really dont have much advice on this because I'm pretty much the same way so I guess what I'm saying is I can Identify with you for sure. I think maybe your husband might act in that strange way becuase he knows your insecure and he's afriad that you will get angry if you see him looking at the attractive women.

digmusic 11-22-2008 12:12 AM

Re: insecurity and paranoia
 
You say, "if he were normal maybe there wouldn't be a problem." That's not true. The only reason he's not normal is because of your insecurity. His behavior doesn't cause you to be insecure, it's the other way around. He feels he can't look at an attractive female because he knows you're going to be upset about it. He also knows that you're watching him watch other people, waiting to catch him in the act, so he chooses to just not look, and then you get mad at him anyway. Don't blame his behavior for making you insecure.

I know this situation VERY well. I used to be insecure like you and I had boyfriends that looked at the floor and other boyfriends that just looked anyway and couldn't control it at all. Either way, I got mad. I eventually got over these issues, but I could never get over them while in a relationship. I always drove all my boyfriends mad because of it. I had to have a while single to get over it. I'm not saying you have to break up with your boyfriend, but it's better to work on those issues when you're not in a relationship cause you're not upset all the time. Eventually, your boyfriend WILL get too fed up with it and no relationship can last in which you can't even go to the beach.

I'm not judging you - I used to not even be able to go to movies if there was a pretty woman in it, no joke. How old are you? I'm 24 and for me, it just sort of faded over time as I matured a little bit. It's quite a miserable existence, being hyper-vigilant all the time, and I'm sure he feels like he's walking on egg shells.

marg1952 11-23-2008 05:13 AM

Re: insecurity and paranoia
 
thank you. I'm a lot older than you: 35 almost. I've found it worse with this man because he's the only one i loved enough to marry. I've tried counselling but it's never helped. Thanks for the advice though. You don't have to be older to be wiser. And I should know: I'm a teacher.

Gioparis 11-25-2008 03:18 AM

Re: insecurity and paranoia
 
oh I'm on the same boat and don't know what to tell you. I'm a very attractive girl by all means, and I'm the woman that men stare at, my husband is goodlooking too, not a head turner, but in my eyes, he is. but with all that, im just like you. and i react the same way if he doesnt look at a hot girl, and if he does, i get soo angry...and i notice that he notices that im watching him, which doesnt make him happy at all....my father left my mother too, its funny because i know alot of average looking girls who are soo secure (they are totally fine with their husbands going out with the boys everyweek clubbing)...i know girls with very attractive bfs who are also fine, but with me, where ppl expect me to be so secure because of my looks, im soo not. I hate it. I dont want to drive him away.

We need to learn to just let it be...so what if he stares?> looks? so what if he talks too close to a waitress?> unless he's rude to you while he does it, then we need to deal with our issues....will it be the end of the world if he leaves you for another woman? ..we need to learn to be happy with OURSELVES....then we wont care so much....


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