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    Old 12-04-2008, 12:15 AM   #1
    d3sire86
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    Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    Ok so I posted before about my boyfriend, ex boyfriend. We have been broken up for just over 2 weeks now. This is/was a 41/2 year relationship. He keeps telling me how he wants to be friends, that he really loves talking to me, hanging out with me but when we are in a relationship as more then friends we fight, a lot. It's true we do fight & it always ends up with him contacting me saying he's sorry, even when I initiate the fight. He says with the stress of his family issues that it's really hard to be able to trust people and he doesn't want to feel dependent on anyone right now because he always ends up disappointed. Since our break-up I have tried to get back together with him but he says that things will need to change & has suggested that if we start off as friends again that maybe we can work on having a relationship again. He says that right now he just can't handle it. He says he needs time. I know he loves me & I know that he cares about me. I have never questioned his loyalty or intentions. I can even understand why he broke up with me. I have copied & pasted some of his emails to me. Please tell me whether it sounds like there is still a chance we could get back together, or what it is you think he's saying.

    "You're sweet. I am happy when you are like this. I can never turn away from you and I appreciate that you are willing to try and be my friend for now and see where it will go. I will talk to you later."

    "MY NAME, please don't be sad. I enjoyed talking to u today. Hope you can sleep and I will call you tomorrow."

    "I really hope you are not crying. I am sorry for today, I think I was an *** about it. I am really sorry for telling you that its not a good idea for you to come over. I want to be there for you MY NAME. I really want us to have some kind of relationship. I want you to be happy and know that I still love you a lot. I just need time right now. I am sorry for hurting you. I will call you after I get off work. Think about something fun to do this week. Try to sleep."
    -- This message was after we talked on the phone. I told him that I would really like to see him. He said "come over" & then called & canceled saying it was too hard to see me right now.

    "You do deserve the best MY NAME. I just cant give you that. I am sorry you feel that way but i never put anyone above you. You were the most important person in my life for the past for 4 and a half years. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I cant thank you enough for loving me. I know you don't think this hurts me but it does..i just don't want to depend on people right now, look were that got me. I will always care about you no matter what and I hope you will be happy & healthy. You are an amazing person. I hope everything works out for you. I hope one day we can have a relationship of some sort. i didn't throw away your love. I care about you a lot and i do think about the fact that I am making a mistake but I just cant handle someone else hurting me. For once in my life I wont be selfish.I am sorry I broke my promise to u but please know that I will always love you and care for you in a way that I cant describe. Everything will work out for you and u will be happy. Don't ever think you are not worth it. If u ever need my help I will be there, I swear on my mother. Thank you for everything. Goodbye muffin. I hope this isn't making it harder for you. Love you and take care."
    ---- This message was after I told him that being his friend is too hard. I told him we should not communicate anymore.

    Sometimes I wonder if by holding me in the friend spot (which is his idea) is another way of keeping me around until he finds someone else. He called me today after the last message, saying again how he really wants to be my friend but if not he will try to respect that. We talked for a bit & he ended up driving over to my house. We sat in the car & just talked about normal stuff people talk about, not so much our relationship because I don't want him to associate seeing me with unpleasant crying and sobbing, that & I am drugged up on Lorazepam and incapable of tears at the moment. He again told me that he wants to be my friend & that he can't say that it's over, but things have to change & that he needs time. He also said he doesn't want to hurt me if we try the friend thing & he still decides we shouldn't be in a relationship. I have so much love & history with this guy that I can't see how he could reject me if things in our friendship go well. I realize my faults in our relationship & I am willing to work on them. Is it worth it to give this friend thing a go?? Or will I end up hurt? He promised me that there isn't another girl in the picture. He even said he's nowhere near ready to try & date someone else. I do believe him. He says that he just feels like he's not in this right now. I know that I have hurt him. He has done way more for me then I have ever done for him. I feel like an idiot for not appreciating him & I am willing to do whatever it takes to show him this.

    Near the end of conversation, I asked him if he wanted to have sex, one last time. Yeah I know, but I feel an urge to be physically close with him. He said no. He said he couldn't do that to me. He loves & respects me too much to have random sex with me when things aren't ok between us. He said that he would feel guilty playing around with my feelings, and that it would make me feel worse knowing that we had sex and that he still isn't ready to be in a relationship with me. He said it's not the sex that needs to be fixed but things between us. He said a lot of things would have to change & that he's not sure if it's possible. I asked him if it's over, like really over & told him to look me in the eye & tell me. He said he couldn't do that, that he's not sure. He says that his heart tells him to stay but his brain says that things aren't right between us.

    My questions:
    1) Does this sound like he's just keeping me around "just in case"?
    2) Do you think it is worth trying the friendship thing? Do you think there is a possibility of it leading to something more in the future? I am willing to work on my faults, or will I just get hurt again??
    3) Do you think it's fair of me to ask to set some "friend guidelines"
    like for instance not dating other people until he either concludes this isn't working or he wants to get back together? or, Seeing eachother a certain number of times per week, to see, to really see if it can work. I feel like just talking everyday is nice but in order to know how our friendship is going we need to spend together as friends, no?

    He asked me to do something this week with him. He suggested Saturday but I am busy and don't want to make it seem like I am able to just drop everything for him. I suggested Friday, he has plans with a friend. Thursday he is busy & Sunday I am busy. He said he would like to do something Friday, & he's going to see if he can postpone his plans for Friday to Saturday, he will let me know tomorrow. If he doesn't postpone his plans should I feel let down by this?? He knows that this break up is hard on me & it's him pushing the friend idea so shouldn't he try to make me a priority? Or should I just accept that his plans with this friend were made first & no different then our plans since we are now just friends??

    Thank you.

    Last edited by d3sire86; 12-04-2008 at 12:21 AM.

     
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    Old 12-04-2008, 01:34 AM   #2
    happymom28
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    To answer your questions:

    1) It seems like he is keeping you around so he still "has" you but he doesn't have to act like it. He doesn't want you to move on but at the same time can't give you what you need. It's incredibly selfish on his part no matter what he is going through personally. You deserve far better than that.

    2) A "friendship" with him is NOT possible. There are too many feelings there. You can't be someone's friend in the hope of having more. Friendships don't have expectations like that. Friends are supportive and such. He's not supporting you, is he? Could you handle seeing him date someone else? These are things you have to ask yourself. Even if you didn't have feelings for him (which you do) he still isn't being a good friend to you. Don't you hold your friends to higher standards?

    3) Friends don't have "guidelines" like this. You will just being trying to label the mess you are dealing with. It's not fair to anyone involved, but especially you.

    As I said before, you need to tell him to contact you when he is ready to give you what you need. Then let him do what he needs to do. He can't be with you right now and you shouldn't be stuck in this limbo you are in.

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 02:20 AM   #3
    digmusic
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    I don't think he's keeping you around "just in case," as he seems to genuinely care about you. I think he is really hurt by this and feels really guilty for hurting you, so he's trying to do this in the nicest way possible. I actually think he's doing the friend thing just to be nice, and because he can't accept the possibility of not having you in his life. There is a slight possibility of the friendship leading to more, but I REALLY would not bank on it. I think he really knows that it's over, but it's just too painful to come out and say it. One of my ex-boyfriends tried this, fearing it might be a mistake, too scared to hurt my feelings, etc. A month later he started dating someone else, and I wished so much that I had just never talked to him right when we broke up. Instead of genuinely being friends, like we could have been after some time if we had just had no contact and had time to heal, I ended up HATING him for that, and it was ugly.

    I really think the friend thing would be a bad idea. In order to heal, you have to have no contact so you get used to your new life. Those list of guidelines would never work. You can't ask him not to date anyone; you're broken up. You will be disappointed if he cancels one of the days that you are supposed to meet. You don't have guidelines with your friends, do you? A friend relationship is much more relaxed than that, and considering you would need guidelines to be his friend, you just aren't ready for that. With situations like this weekend, where you are waiting to see if he will postpone or not, to evaluate how important you are to him, is just setting yourself up for failure. You will be anxious and distracted if you meet up with him, and heartbroken if you don't. I think neither of you has really deeply accepted this break-up yet because 4 1/2 years is a pretty long time. The sooner you do, the faster you will heal. It hurts so much I know, but having false hopes delays the grieving process. Cherish your friends, family, and pets right now if you have any, and resist the temptation to call/text/email him.

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 12:42 PM   #4
    d3sire86
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by digmusic View Post
    I don't think he's keeping you around "just in case," as he seems to genuinely care about you. I think he is really hurt by this and feels really guilty for hurting you, so he's trying to do this in the nicest way possible. I actually think he's doing the friend thing just to be nice, and because he can't accept the possibility of not having you in his life.
    I get this feeling sometimes too. Like he's trying to make this easy on me. I know he feels bad for breaking my heart. When I cry, he says he's feels like his back is against the wall. He hates hurting me but either way he says I am going to hurt. He often tells me that he feels he is ruining my life. That I can do better then him, he brings up the facts that I go to university, have a great family, and I am more attractive then him & he is working a "dead-end job", has a dysfunctional/no family support etc. I just feel like him & I where meant to be. I feel it with every inch of my body. He has said to me that he "can't not have me in his life", but if he feels this way, which it seems that he does, why doesn't he want to be with me? If he loves me and cares about which I do believe that he does why doesn't he want me??

    I really do feel like if I stop contact between us that I am stopping any chances of us being together & walking away during the hardest time in his life. His family has walked away from him, how can I? I feel that right now he's going through some hard things & feels like everyone is going to hurt & disappoint him. Isn't this a time when he needs me to show him that I will stick by him no matter what? That I won't hurt him or let him down?

    A part of me really believes that by being his friend & taking it slow that he can fall in love with me again. That we can rebuild our relationship, make it stronger. That he will see what he is giving up on.

    Another part says that I am setting myself up for disappointment. He has never acted with me this way, ever. His "new self" scares me & makes me wonder how a person could change like this. Makes me think that it is truly finished between us. That it's too late. What if he is lying about there not being someone else? He knows that that would be the ultimate blow to me. That I would loose it. He just sounds so convincing when he tells me that it's not like that. That he can't move on until he knows I have & that there is someone there looking out for me, making me happy, with my best interest at heart. He says it would be too hard to see anyone else.

    It's so hard to let go when he tells me there still might be a chance.

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 12:49 PM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    If you're making all the effort to revive the relationship and he's not making any, there's your answer.

    And to answer your question about why he doesn't want you two to be together if he cares about you so much...if he wanted that, you'd be together. There's some reason why he doesn't want that.

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 01:08 PM   #6
    d3sire86
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
    If you're making all the effort to revive the relationship and he's not making any, there's your answer.

    And to answer your question about why he doesn't want you two to be together if he cares about you so much...if he wanted that, you'd be together. There's some reason why he doesn't want that.
    Thats the thing it's not just me. He calls me. He drove over to my house on his own last night. He asks when would be a good time for us to talk next. He tells me that he wants to be my friend. He tells me that he wants me in his life.

    "if he cares about you so much.. if he wanted that, you'd be together" - This is what is killing me. He tells me he cares about me, loves me, that this is hard for him. He tells me these things, looks me in the eyes and says it. I feel that he is being genuine. He says though if we keep going down this path we will both be miserable. We need to fix what is broken. He says that he would love nothing more then to be with me. He says he's not sure that they are fixable. He needs time & wants to try being my friend to see where that leads.

    I mean doesn't this happen in relationships? Don't relationships that end up good sometimes need healing time?? I can understand that he is dealing with some really rough things right now. That his emotions and feelings are a mess. Why does he want to be my friend, be there for me, talk if he just wants to move on?? Is he doing this simply to protect my feelings or is there still something there??

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 01:13 PM   #7
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    You need to ask him that.

    I don't agree that relationships need "breaks". I always believe that whatever issues existed that caused you to break up will still be there. But that may not be true for everyone.

    I know when I'm going through rough times, that's when I want to be with my guy MORE, not less. But maybe men are different???

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 01:25 PM   #8
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    Just wanted to say I'm feeling your pain , I've been with my BF for 41/2 years as well and we've had painful breaks to I've also had to be drugged up on Lorazepam to cope. We are together now and the issue's are still there if you go back but it doesnt mean that they cant be worked through so if your hearts in it , its worth the fight but dont confuse or hurt yourself by believing you can actually be friends not now anyways not after that long.

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 01:39 PM   #9
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    I don't think relationships need "breaks" either. When you are in a relationship, especially for the length of time you have been together, you work together to overcome the rough patches.

    What concerns me is him saying "We need to fix what is broken. He says that he would love nothing more then to be with me. He says he's not sure that they are fixable.". What does that mean exactly? What exactly does he think is broken that needs fixing? I thought all of the issues that have come up has involved his relationship with his family and have nothing to do with you. I thought his inability to handle these issues led him to blowing you off for friends/alcohol/drugs. What does that have to do with you?

    I don't doubt one bit that he cares about you. But he said himself that he doesn't like/love himself. That is huge. He has suffered from family issues for years and will continue to suffer until he does something about it. Whether that be therapy or cutting them out of his life or whatever he needs to start somewhere. He is using your relationship as a scapegoat and that is unfair.

    I really urge you to stand up for yourself here. It wil be hard because you do love him, but you need to! Tell him he needs to straighten out his life and when he does to call you and you can discuss your "relationship" then. He needs to figure this out. You can't be there for him because he isn't allowing it. When you do step back and not talk to him he will have to make a choice of either dealing with his issues or spiraling further downhill. You can't do anything to stop it or help him. He needs to do it for himself just as you have to protect yourself from further hurt.

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 02:14 PM   #10
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    I didn't make the connection between the two threads. This is much more than a guy wanting a break to sort out his feelings. This guy has his own demons and has a habit of blaming you for a lot of what is really his problems.

    "Being there" for him does not mean putting your life on hold, giving in to and accomodating his every wish and whim, and accepting blame just in the hopes that he might want you back someday.

    Are the drinking and drugs still an issue? And if they are, are you still bothered by them? You don't make mention of them in this thread, but a substance abuser has no room in their life for healthy relationships.

    He's not going to magically change back into the guy he was a month or so ago. It just doesn't happen unless HE decides to make changes and clean up his life. That's not your job.

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 02:37 PM   #11
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28;3812850}

    What concerns me is him saying [B
    "We need to fix what is broken. He says that he would love nothing more then to be with me. He says he's not sure that they are fixable."[/B]. What does that mean exactly? What exactly does he think is broken that needs fixing? I thought all of the issues that have come up has involved his relationship with his family and have nothing to do with you. I thought his inability to handle these issues led him to blowing you off for friends/alcohol/drugs. What does that have to do with you?
    It confuses me too. Unbelievably so. What I think he is referring to is the fighting between us. He felt that when he was going through this stuff with his family that I should have been more supportive. I was there, but I agree probably not as much as I should have been. I still reacted to stupid trivial things, like a comment that made me upset etc. He said that he needed me & I disappointed him. I broke up with him, during his family stuff. I just expected him to take me back. He didn't. He was the better partner in our relationship, I see that now. I just wish it wasn't too late, I think it is.

    The drugs & alcohol are still a problem. However I am not saying he is a full fledged addict. He drinks a few beers with his buddies every night & smokes weed. My worry comes from him not having ever done these things before. I think he feels let down by his family & me. I can't believe how stupid I was, how I let a great guy slip through my hands.

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 02:55 PM   #12
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    Do you blame yourself for the drinking and drug use? Is that why while before these things were so worrisome and cause for great concern that you devoted an entire thread to them, you're now willing to brush them off as no big deal?

     
    Old 12-04-2008, 05:38 PM   #13
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    Re: Boyfriends Messages... What do they really mean?

    You cannot "be there for someone" who simply won't allow it. I don't recall your other thread, but from this one alone I would say he is REALLY playing with your emotions. I am assuming you both are very young.....once you get older, most women just won't play these kind of games.

    Anytime a man tries to do this nonsense BS, the best thing to do is call his bluff...he wants time? Tell him he can have the rest of his life. I think he LIKES the drama and the emotions you are showing him now. This is not a good habit to develope and you don't want to live the rest of your life this way. Some people actually feed off others emotional responses to them. This will cause you great amounts of pain and confusion if it continues. Don't let it.

    Without knowing what it is he claims he doesn't think can be fixed......how are either of you expected to work on it? Basically, he is telling you that he needs emotional outburst from you to "prove" you care. Thats why he comes to your house and calls you often.

    Put a stop to this now before you both get into the habit of thinking this is how people "in love" show that. Tell him to "FIX" himself and you MIGHT still be there when he does....IF it doesn't take too long.

    Mileena

     
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