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Jul1980 12-04-2008 05:30 AM

Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
*The title of this is wrong...should be Boyfriend's Relationship with his ex's 4 year old daughter**

I'm just torn up as to what to think about this. I guess I should start from the beginning.

My bf and I have been together for a little over 1 year. It has been the best year of my life. He has treated my wonderfully, kindly, and trusts me. Up until lately, I've trusted him with everything I have. We get along wonderfully, and any time that we are apart, I miss him like crazy. I can't wait to get home from work at night just to see him and give him a huge hug. He is so kind and funny. We have had no drama in our relationship...until maybe now.

He and his ex girlfriend split almost 2 years ago. It was almost a year (minus a few months) before he and I got together, so it's not like we jumped into anything. I had also been single for a year before I met him.

She (the ex) has a daughter (not his), who while they dated & lived together (for a year and a half), he became very attached to this child. The child is now approx 4 years old. He tells me that he stayed as long as he did because he felt that her daugher was not being taken care of properly. Anyways, she ended up leaving him for someone else. Apparently it was a bad & messy break up for him. After a few months, she was about to loose her child to the officals, because she wasn't taking care of her properly. My boyfriends parents had also became attached to the child, so offerered to take care of the girl until his ex got back on her feet. The daughter lived on the other side of the country with my boyfriends parents for 6 months. (Again, this all happened before we met). After 6 months, she moves back with her mother (the ex). My boyfriends mother has an unexpected health problem weeks after the girl's return to her mother, and was on life support. My boyfriend flys his ex and her daughter home so his mother can have her daughter there one last time. Unfortunatly she died. My boyfriend stays in his hometown, and the ex and her child go back to the other side of the country. This whole time the ex is still dating whoever it was she left him for. 3 months later, he and I are together.

Fast forward a year. He leaves his ******** open one day, and not realizing it ( I really didn't notice...we have many of the same friends, I didn't know he had logged me off) I thought it was mine. I seen what I thought was that I had a new inbox msg, so clicked on it. There I see a bunch of msgs from his ex, that were recent, and then realized that this was his account. I looked at two of them. Stupid I know, but they were right there. One was a recent (Sept) drunken msg he had sent her saying how much he missed her daughter and wanted to find a way to still be in her life (the ex's daughters life). She had replied a few days later that she had been trying to call him and cant get ahold of him (because he is at my house alot, is why.). We don't offically live together but he has stayed over every night for over a year. The other msg was her a few days later putting him down for not talking to her daughter, and blaming ME for interferring with his and her daughter's relationship. (???). And telling him that he should bring her home to spend time with her (again the daughter). He had replyed that he has been trying to call her on her cell phone, but it wasn't answering. That was it. I was absolutley devistated when I read this.

So now, about 2 months later, I find out that his ex is coming home for Christmas. He has 2 weeks off over christmas...and something deep down in the pit of my stomache tells me he may have paid for both of them to come home. She has family here so it's not that she will be staying him him, but the last time she was home for two weeks, she dropped her daughter off at my ex's parents house and didnt pick her up or call or anything until it was time to go home (this was when his mother was still alive).

After I had found the ******** msgs in Sept, I had a conversation with him (I didn't tell him about what I saw) that I trusted him with my world, and didn't want him to ever hid anything from me. He then told me that he had had contact with her daughter occasionally. I told him that if he could be upfront with me and not hid anything from me, that I would support him having a relationship with her daughter. But I also told him, it would not be the case for his ex, obviously.

I've never heard anything else about it......but everytime he is late coming to my house, I always wonder if he had been talking to his ex. It makes me sick. We are both late 20's and should be grown out of these secrets and speculations. I have let myself fall completly head over heels for this guy, and yesterday I felt like my world was about to crash. When I heard she was coming home, I actually was so upset about it, I felt like I was going to throw up. I slept about 2 hours the entire night lastnight, because I couldnt stop thinking about it, and what I should do.

I have the same christmas break as he does, and as a christmas present have arranged a surprise ski-doo vacation and cabin rental for 4 days about a 6 hour drive from here, right after Christmas on the 28th. (The ex comes on the 26) I have no idea if he'll go now, if this child is coming here. And I don't know how I'll feel about the situation if he doesn't go. If he did fly the child home, that will be 4 days out of 7 that he would miss... Or even if he didn't pay to fly her home....that would still be 4 out of 7 days he would miss. But, my side is, he would still have a few days to see a child that he really doesn't have any ties to anymore

I honestly feel like by him holding on so tightly to his past, it is effecting he and I moving forward. He isn't a "talk about emtions" type of guy. He's very affectionate, but to talk about concerns, etc, doesn't happen well for him. I don't know if I am justified to feel this way. I honestly feel threatened by a child that isn't his. I don't know why.

I have been attached to ex's family's. The only other person I have ever been serious with had cheated on and left me also. I was super close to his parents, grandparents and brother & sister-in-law. But as hard as it was, I let them go. I see them once a year if I go to the supermarket in that town, and I may have a 30 second conversation, if that. I am not thinking he should cut this child off, but I think it's over the limit of what's going on.

I want to be an amazing girlfriend to him, as he is an amazing guy. I honestly feel like I've been more patient than most people would be in this situation. Am I justified to be weirded out by his connection to his ex? She and her daughter now lives with her new boyfriend. They've been together for a few years. So it's not like that child doesn't have a father figure.

I'm so confused. I've kept this all to myself for so long because I thought I would be a horrible person for feeling this way about a kid...but it's just the connection and amout of connections that come with it that make me so unsure.

Thanks for letting me vent.

ilovethenow 12-04-2008 07:23 AM

Re: Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
I understand how you feel, and I've known a few people in your exact situation (except that the ex + family lived closer!) I think you should get to know the little girl too... find out what she'd like for Christmas....get involved. It doesn't sound like your NICE bf (would you like him more if he blew off a 4-year old he had become close to?) wants to get back with his ex. It may not be the best of situations, but to MAKE the best of "it is what it is," I'd become involved so he doesn't feel like he has to sneak behind your back to see a 4-year old. The ex would also know, then, that he wasn't "cheating" on you by seeing her daughter.

pendulum 12-04-2008 07:58 AM

Re: Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
Yes, you do have a reason for venting...

Have your boy-friend and you ever talked about having kids of your own?

I can understand his affection for this child (it is quite easy to become and remain fond of a four-year-old girl), but this is beginning to look like an obsession, right? Does he easily get obsessional about other things? If so, that is a trait of his. Or maybe he is feeling guilty for not being there for her, since he thinks she is poorly taken care of.

But I see your point, and I agree that he'd better move on now.

Actually, I think that is bound to happen at any rate, sooner or later, because as the little girl grows and gets to know other different people, the connection will become weaker. All you would need is some patience, in principle.

But I see that you are also concerned about the ex. Well, if you trust your boy-friend in terms of fidelity and if the ex is already with another guy, I should think the chances of infidelity are negligible.

Getting involved with the small girl, as proposed by the other poster, is a good idea, but you don't know if she will welcome you. Besides, you would meet her for the first time with a lot of prejudice of your own. Could you put all your prejudice aside and see the kid as a kid and nothing more?

Try this out (be introduced to the girl) and see how it goes for you. Don't despair. Don't break up yet. You have no concrete reasons for doing so. Go and meet the girl and try to have some fun together. You may be surprised to find that she was just a molehill rather than a mountain, if you see what I mean.

Redneon82 12-04-2008 09:24 AM

Re: Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
I think your real fear is that your boyfriend will get re-attached to his ex through the daughter, and will get back together with her. Otherwise you wouldn't be feeling threatened by a 4 year old child (and you are threatened, it's clear).

If your relationship is going well, why do you fear losing him? You really shouldn't. If he wants to spend time with the daughter, he should, and as pendulum says, this connection will probably fade with time.

This is precisely why I never allowed any man I've dated to become close to my son anymore. I did one time and it was painful for my son. Never again, unless I plan to get married!

AnnD 12-04-2008 09:42 AM

Re: Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
Your bf is amazing all right but not in a good way. Sorry but he is hoping for his old life back with his ex. Just the fact that he hasn't said a word to you about them coming out in a couple of weeks is cause for alarm! It is time for you to confront him on what you have seen and what is his intentions with little girl and mom. I suppose we aren't suppose to snoop into others things but tough you did and you discovered he is lying to you(not telling you is lying)... You are not the one that is on his mind 24/7...he is dividing his affections and I'm not sure you can get back his full attention. If he can't stop sending and paying for mom and daughter to come out then I would move on. good luck.

negot 12-04-2008 10:14 AM

Re: Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
Ask him if he is paying for their trip. If he is, that is a red flag. If he is not, then they are coming to visit relatives and plan to see your bf in the process.
Maybe your bf got so attached to the little girl that he has a hard time letting go. But, as others have pointed out, the child lives far away and the relationship will fade as time passes. Do you think that your bf senses that this is a sensitive issue for you and therefor hesitates to discuss it with you? You should bring it up and clear the air. Tell him how you feel and see what he has to say. Maybe your bf loves children and misses having a child around. Have the two of you discussed if you plan having children? All the above is worth discussing, in my opinion.

Jul1980 12-04-2008 10:51 AM

Re: Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
Yea, I guess I'll have to talk to him tonight. As much as I dread it. Thanks everyone.

Yes we did discuss kids. Since we only been together a year, there is no talk of any right now, but in 2-3 years probably.

If this was just a matter of him sending a christmas & birthday gift every year, and talking on the phone to the child once every 3-4 months, I wouldn't have an issue. It's everything else that is going on that makes me really uncomfortable. I feel that it is a little overboard....especially if he brought them home.

I just feel like my whole world is about to crash down. :(

happymom28 12-04-2008 12:20 PM

Re: Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
You have been together long enough that you should be able to discuss your feelings on this, right? You don't have to be mean or anything like that. I agree that you are worried he will reconnect with his ex through this child and honestly, I don't think you need to. If their break up was that messy and he was that hurt I'm sure he doesn't want her back. It's clear she really isn't/wasn't the best mother and he feels he needs to look out for this child. Shame on her really.

I think you should tell him about your trip and see if it would be an issue for him. Also, you should try to meet the child. Chances are she'll drop him off and run. Maybe you could talk to him about making some fun plans with her?

This is the exact reason nobody but my husband ever met my daughter. I didn't want her to deal with things like this. I hope your talk goes well.

Redneon82 12-04-2008 12:42 PM

Re: Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
He might have a "rescue" complex.

I dated a guy who had that. He met this one woman at an event, and she was a single mom struggling financially, and she claimed to have a psycho ex who beat her. She was always having some crisis or another and called him for help constantly. I found out he'd been spending nights at her condo because she claimed to be afraid of her ex. I am pretty independent and self-sufficient, and when I have a problem I figure out a solution. Well, that didn't turn him on, he got off on being the big strong hero he-man that a woman couldn't survive without. He eventually moved in with and then married this woman.

Your B/F might feel like this child needs something and he's the one to provide it. He may have decided to take on a responsibility that isn't his because he needs to feel like someone's savior.

I guess you really don't have a right to dictate how much he sees the child, or the nature of their relationship, but I'd hope that he values his relationship with you enough to take your concerns into consideration.

LIGIRL148 08-26-2009 12:18 PM

Re: Ex's relationship with ex's 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to feel.
I'm dealing with a similiar situation the child is almost 17 and my boyfriend was with the mother when she gave birth and before she got pregnant. He was not been in her life for more than half her life in total even when he was in a commited 7 year stable relationship she never came to visit them. We have been together for 2 yrs and I feel that his bond is with the mother and he has a relationship with the girl when it fits in with how they feel about each other. He swears it was about the mother at first but not anymore. I call her his fake daughter and have made it clear that I don't see a future with us cuz he can't let go of his past. I have given the mother a chance he went down to visit them twice in two months during the second visit I returned his call to her no and when she gave him the phone she said here baby. He denied anything was going on and said things like she calls everyone baby, they're just friends, I'm over reacting etc. I feel she showed her true colors and wants to cause problems with us. She has done other shady things to him in the past regarding his then current girlfriends. She is not the mother of his child just a ex and when he mentioned he was going for another visit 4 months later I asked him to wait until he had moved out of my house cuz I don't really feel comfortable with my ex laying up with his ex that was a year ago. Just this May he told me after I overheard a convo that the child was coming to town for a family event and that the mother would not be attending this was a Sat by Sun surprise surprise who shows up but the mother. I have made it clear that the next reunion he has with his fake family do not return to my house cuz we will be over.

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